When I was in high school, I spent a lot of time at Denny’s. (Not sure why we are taking so many trips down memory street today. Perhaps it was the near brush with death I had this week with the flu that is making me go all soft for the days when I didn’t have the flu. Anyhow.) That was where everyone hung out! It was our The Max (or our Peach Pit) (or our Arnold’s Drive In). We would order breakfast food at all hours of the night and make fun of the Juggalos who came in. Seriously, my Denny’s was ROTTEN with Juggalos. It was fun, even if the food was DISGUSTING. That food is literally the worst food. Well, now that horrible food is going to tie-in to the Hobbit movie, because if there’s one thing you think of when you think of the Hobbit it’s “YUM!” From AdAge:

Menu items include 11 breakfast, lunch and dinner items such as “Hobbit Hole Breakfast,” “Frodo’s Pot Roast Skillet,” “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt” and the “Build Your Own Hobbit Slam,” which includes limited-time items such as “Shire Sausage.”

GANDALF’S GOBBLE MELT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One thing is clear, no matter who wins the election this November, America is still #1!!!!!!!!!! Here are some other great menu items, probably:

  • Smaug’s Smoked-Cheese Quesadilla Platter
  • Bilbo’s Cheeseburger
  • Shire Weed Caesar Salad w/ Goblin Croutons
  • Narsil Chicken Kebabs

It’s such a waste of time to even come up with these stupid jokes when GANDALF’S GOBBLE MELT is REAL.

Comments (48)
  1. You Shall Not Pass (Through My Colon)

  2. Radagast the Hash Browns.

  3. Things I would never want to eat, based solely on terrible names:
    -A hobbit’s hole
    -A shire’s sausage
    -Gandalf’s gobble

  4. Radagast’s Rhubarb Pie
    Onion Rings to Rule Them All

  5. Is there an exterminator you can call to get rid of Juggalos in your restaurant?

  6. Yes, this is horrible. Dennys is horrible and I’ve never even eaten there.

    HOWEVER. This can still bring joy. One of my best friends from high school lives in a neighboring state. This new offering led us to plan meeting halfway and eating this awful crap. Built into this is obviously a lot of weed, and running around the nearby college campus. Basically, the plan has grown to something like: meet halfway, smoke smoke smoke, eat, frisbee, drink, disc, smoke, drink, eat, drink, smoke, disc, sleep in cars, smoke, eat, part ways and return home.

    I cannot think of a better way of handling my apparent quarter-life crisis.

  7. Its bad when even the promo shots look terrible and unappetizing. Although, I should give them credit for truth in advertising.

  8. One does not simply walk into a Denny’s! One stumbles in, drunk and or high, ready to make just one more mistake ‘fore the e’en is through.

  9. Public service announcement: Gabe, they have these awesome things called flu vaccines and they’re SUPER cheap. Get one next year! You’re not just saving yourself misery, you’re protecting all of our fellow humans who suffer from compromised immune systems. THAT GOES FOR ALL YOU GUYS! #c’mon

    I too hung out at Denny’s for hours as a high school kid. We didn’t have juggalos yet, so it was mostly skaters and kids who wished they were Al Jourgensen. Looking back, we were the worst. We chain smoked and basically just ordered coffee. The place was so popular, a lot of the skaters started getting jobs there so they could be paid to hang out with their friends. Cool story or coolest story????

  10. The Long And Boring Snorefest About Which Facetaco Cannot Remember Any Details Except That There Were Like 10 Pages Devoted Just To A Short Fat Dude Smoking A Pipe Scramble

  11. So, there’s a pizza chain in Western Michigan that I had the opportunity/misfortune to try this past summer – Bilbo’s Pizza. It’s kind of like Pizza Hut, only if Pizza Hut were actually a lot worse than it already is. I guess what I’m saying is that all Hobbit-related food is clearly terrible, which is weird since Hobbits eat like 9 meals a day.

    • Long, long ago, when I was in college (Ladies?), I worked at the Bilbo’s in East Lansing. The fact that they had a sandwich called The Fatty Lumpkin always made me laugh. And, if I’m not mistaken, it was entirely innocuous–wheat bread, mayo, turkey, cheese (muenster, maybe?), and coleslaw. That’s it. The Fatty Lumpkin is a semi-boring turkey sandwich.

      They also had Hobbit Styx (my spelling), which were bread sticks (no duh) with, literally, as much room-temp butter and garlic sludge that you could get onto a large paint brush slapped onto it. I think there was probably about a pound of butter/transfat mix per order. Plus it came with a side of special dill sauce which was, 3 parts mayo, 1 part sour cream, a shitload of garlic salt and a sprinkle of dried dill. Dinner is FUCKING SERVED!

    • quantity not quality

  12. Meet the Feed-bles

  13. I don’t think hobbits would eat any of this stuff. Not at all.

  14. Moons Over My Smeagol… with a side of ranch**

    **Say anything you want about the food but Denny’s ranch is legit.

  15. yes, you too can take an unexpected journey….to the bathroom. or to the nearest clothing store for a new pair of underwear.

  16. No joke, I love it when Gabe walks down memory lane. The only thing that would make it better is if he tells a story about college that involves balancing many tiny glasses of various beverages on his tray in the dining hall. It gets me every time because 1) every single guy in my college’s dining hall had no less than 4 tiny glasses on his tray at all times 2) I felt like a crazy person because I was the only one who noticed this. Why do you need so many drinks???

  17. Smeagolden Fried Shrimp Platter

  18. For the adventurous Denny’s eater:

    Orc’s Blood Sausage

    Goblin Liver Pate

    Shire Sweetbreads

    Radagast’s Tripe and Oliphant Stew

  19. When I was in grade 6, my teacher was obsessed with LOTR and would read us 30 minutes of it every fucking morning and then make us write a half-page journal entry about it and I can honestly not think of a more efficient way to make a kid hate something. So when the first movie came out I was dragged kicking and screaming to it and walked out after about 20 minutes, blind with rage and annoyance. All the Viggo Mortensons and Sean Beans in the world cannot entice me to watch even a clip of any of those movies. You know what’s the only thing worse than reading like 85 chapters in a row describing a fucking tree and 62 songs written in Elvish? Having them read to you out loud as a squirming 11 year old and then being forced to write a novella dissecting them.

    I am kind of legit excited for the Hobbit though, because I saw the cartoon when I was kid OF MY OWN FREE WILL and it reminded me of The Last Unicorn which is the best.

    • The Hobbit was the first summer reading assignment that I just didn’t finish. (The second, and only other, was The Scarlet Letter. Can I get an UGH?) I was just so bored! But it was okay, because on the first day back, we watched the cartoon(?!), and I’m pretty sure that was the only Hobbit-related classwork(?!) we did all year.

  20. Oh man, you guys, wouldn’t it be hilarious to go to Denny’s? (And when my comments on the Internet refer to very specific Onion News Network videos and I expect people to get them, have I spent too much time on the Internet?)

  21. So you’re saying Denny’s was your Central Perk?

  22. You Shall Not PASTA! – Gandalf

  23. Not All Who Hunger Are Lost… Come to Denny’s.”




    The newest Dead Author’s podcast features Matt Walsh as J.R.R. Tolkien. It was excellent.

    He hates on Hemmingway for not using every word in the English language, calls out CS Lewis for his inferior Narnia creatures and how if they were ever pitted against Tolkien’s characters they would lose quite quickly and that was just if they all fought Tree Beard, and then he talks shop with how he created all of the fantasy languages.

    It cracked me up quite a bit. Many moments of GOL (guffawing out loud).

    • I JUST LISTENED TO THIS. Literally, just finished it. IT WAS AWESOME. Jerome Riding Ripper Tolkien is the best.

      • SO close! I believe it was Jerome Riding Ripple, because Ripple is the alcoholic beverage his father used to drink. So funny!

        I’m just happy they’re catching up on a little bit of their Dead Authors backlog. It didn’t come out for a bit, and now we get Tolkien and at the end of the month we’ll get one with Mary Shelley (Laraine Newman)!

        Soon, very soon, the Marquis De Sade (TV’s Andy Daly) episode will drop, which I have been looking forward to for at LEAST 3 months now because I heard about it right after they recorded it. WAITING is the WORST!

        • Thanks for recommending this. I listened to it while housecleaning this afternoon, which made what’s usually a pretty shitty time actually enjoyable. Then I started listening to the Arthur Conan Doyle one which is – dare I say it? yes, I dare – even better. I don’t usually have the patience for podcasts but this is good stuff.

  25. It actually totally fits into Hobbit culture. Elevensies? Anyone?

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