Forbes released its list of the highest paid TV actors today, and Ashton Kutcher was #1 with an annual salary of $24 million. The Kutsch! Congrats, man! Hugh Laurie and Ray Romano were tied for second with $18 million each. Alec Baldwin was third with $15 million. And on and on! Needless to say, these guys are doing great today. Or maybe they aren’t! I don’t actually know. They say that money can’t buy happiness, and by “they” I mean “rich people.” Poor people know that money buys something PRETTY CLOSE TO HAPPINESS. But it is true that money doesn’t solve all your problems. It can’t eliminate your depressive tendencies, or bring your dead mom back to life, or any of the things that might cause you discomfort or sadness. The only thing there is to do is sit by the swimming pool built in the shape of your own face and do your breathing exercises with your personal yogi and hope that remaining present in the moment and drinking kale-champagne smoothies out of Swarovski goblets will alleviate some of the pain. But for the most part I feel like these guys are doing really really well. How are you doing?! Last week I asked that question as a casual throwaway framework for posting a funny picture of Nicolas Cage posing with a fan on an airplane while looking very handsome and healthy and put together and normal, but then when people started commenting I found out that I really enjoyed reading people’s straight-forward and detailed descriptions of how their days were going! It’s interesting to hear what’s actually going on in other people’s lives! But, so, I don’t know that this will actually be a recurring thing, but hey, how was everyone’s day today?

Comments (202)
  1. My office has been pretty cold all day but I had pizza for lunch! And I’m off to class in a few, and it’s the last session for this class, which is good since it’s not my favorite.

  2. My day was pretty good, thanks for asking! Work is going well, and I bought Aliens at Target because aliens are great. I also got my sister’s dog fancy dog treats from the Farmer’s Market because I am insufferable. The only problem is that I have a gigantic bruise on my butt from falling* at a haunted house last night. How are you doing?

    *We were in a dark room trying to find the exit, and one of the volunteers was trying to corral us towards the door by grabbing my head and pushing. Unfortunately, he or she grabbed my face and pushed backwards, which was was not expecting, and I tripped over fencing or whatever the hell was on the floor and shouted ‘fuck’ really really loudly. I find it far more amusing today than I did last night.

  3. I am enjoying the nice weather but am also worried that it’s too warm for October and the ozone layer is going to eat us all or however that works

  4. rather than doing work i have been putting some finishing touches/details on wedding details. the big day is now only 2 weeks away and starting to feel more “real” and less of an idea with each item we’ve been checking off the list.

    other than that, after all sorts of special projects at work being out of the way, this is the first week in a long time where I’m back to my usual routine, and therefore am happy to find all this time in the day to be doing anything but work – but being productive nonetheless.

    other than that, I am looking forward to making soup and watching Thursday shows tonight – if they are even on?

  5. I’m in the middle of Virginia for the next few days and have had little internet access. I tried to go to vgum to see what I missed and I just saw a dude hitting a bar with his pipe wang. So nothing has changed?

  6. Not so good, Gabe. But I’m home from work and am about to go look at a car because my wife has got the pregnant and we need a safer car. I’ll be playing videogames afterward because I refuse to be as grown up as the previous sentence implies.

  7. Using my ability to whistle like a bird through my teeth and some air ducts, for an hour I had my entire company convinced a bird flew in through my office window and was now stuck somewhere in the office.

    I have zero job satisfaction.

  8. i’ve been having a string of bad luck (wrecked my bike, car broken, traffic tickets, family strife, weird romantic encounters that are producing anxiety), but somehow i feel pretty positive. it’s the best time of the year in this city (82 and sunny today!), halloween is right around the corner and my costume is going to be amazing, and i’m incredibly lucky to be surrounded by beautiful, hilarious, amazing friends- most of whom i’ve known for almost a decade.

      • aw, thank you! a friend of mine read my tarot the other day (NO JUDGING IT’S FUN) and the whole thing was “doom doom manipulation doom anxiety doom” so i figure that i just need to keep plodding along and eventually things will get so hilariously, tragically bad that any slight improvement, such as finding a dollar on the ground or going to the grocery store and seeing that my fav cereal is on sale, will be a life affirming moment. maybe this is all about teaching me to appreciate shit! actually i think it’s the confluence of lowest common denominators, and i will just bottom out soon, and reboot. yay positive thinking!

        • Every time my friend reads my tarot it’s terrible. I try to ignore it., but also use the bad reading to blame anything crappy that happens in my life.

    • Please describe your costume in exquisite detail.

      • ah! unsure if anyone is still reading this. i’m going to be a dead, rotting deer. i made a deer jumpsuit, and will have fake intestines and maggots (which are also handmade) spilling out of my tummy. i’ve got fake crows i’m going to be mounting on my shoulders, pulling out more innards. and i made an antler headdress. i am SO EXCITED.

          • i do not fuck around for halloween or mardi gras! costuming is COMPETITIVE in new orleans. i’m so stoked- i didn’t dress up for halloween when i lived in brooklyn last year because no one i was friends with seemed remotely interested in it. i spent the holiday at the gym. it was totally sad. so the fact that i am back home and get to spend a ridiculous amount of time putting together an elaborate outfit that will be completely appreciated makes me so very very happy.

          • I always thought if I was going to live somewhere in the states it would be Louisiana for the accents, Mardi Gras, Cajun food, and the French. But every time I see movies or shows that take place there everyone is just dripping with sweat and you can SEE the water in the air and I think to myself, maybe I will just visit one day…

            Your costume sounds amazing. I was going to be the Spice Girls (dress as Ginger, then make finger puppets for the rest) but it’s going to be too cold for tiny dresses, so thinking either a 60s flight attendant because I have an old Air Canada bag, or Margot Tannenbaum because I have a fur coat that I’m too chicken to wear in real life.

  9. A while ago I mentioned something on the The 40 Coolest NSFW Album Covers over at Stereogum I went back home this past weekend and found it.

  10. My day has been a little crazytown! Shakeups have been happening at my job over the last few months and there was a pretty big one today. But more importantly, I have been calling everything “crazytown” lately and my coworker asked if it was because of the rap/rock group Crazy Town, which led to me looking at their Wikipedia page, and I had totally forgotten that their singer went by the name Shifty Shellshock.

    Also, I wore a cute pair of boots today but gave myself blisters walking to the train in the morning. I really need to go grocery shopping, but my feet will not survive so I guess I’ll be having the “Catweazle Special” for dinner: ramen with a glass of wine.

  11. Not so great Gabe!
    Today is rent day and so not the best day for me to find out an untalented, ignorant, douchecanoe, dickweasel, oxygen thief is getting paid more cash money than I could even dream of. I can’t even walk past expensive shops without being ‘shooed’ that’s how poor I am right now.
    Why is life…the way it is…


  12. As a molecular biologist, my day has been alright. Actually, really great. I had my last day in my academic lab. I move up to the SF bay this weekend to sell my soul to industry. Videogum started up around the time I began work in this lab, so thanks to the VG staff for keeping me entertained through grad school!

  13. There’s a weird van outside my house with a tiny animal skull affixed to the front. I let my dog out this morning and a lady from the city asked me if that was my van. Nope. It’s still there and I’m afraid to look directly at it because 1. skull 2. the authorities were called about the van and 3. WHY ARE YOU THERE, CREEPY VAN???

    My site that I’ve been working on forever finally had its soft launch today. Yay.

    Ooh and I got personally invited to a big anti-coal protest this weekend and will be hiking and wading through the Columbia River to hang a banner with a bunch of very nice Greenpeace lawyers, which is handy in case things get all arrest-y.

    Also my dog is farting. A lot.

    So all in all… B- with the option of B+ if I ever get enough sleep and/or remember to feed myself.

  14. I hit a pothole while riding home from work and went flying. Now I have some pretty serious road rash on one of my arms. Cool day.

    • a few months ago i had an epic bike wreck under similar circumstances outside of this very busy bar. and i was laying in the street dazed and bleeding, this woman tottered over to me in her heels and i thought to myself, “oh, she’s going to help me, how nice of her”. and she got within 10 feet of me and just started vomiting profusely. it was a pretty special moment.

  15. I had a pretty great day; I got a new assistant here in my office and I’ve been training her. I’ve had to kinda take a hiatus from VGum as I’m getting ready to have my first baby in December and things have just been crazy busy, but anyway, part of the “training” for my new assistant while I’m on maternity leave included a tutorial of Videogum! I began with the now-infamous Gwyneth Paltrow note to working moms, and have thoroughly enjoyed reminiscing on some of my favorite old posts, as well as catching up on all the new things I’ve been missing. I love VGum and hope this new weekly column continues!!

  16. I get married in 23 days. I’ve been so excited about it lately that I’ve slipped up and called my fiance my wife by accident to various people and message boards. So I am happy today but super stressed and kind of butterfly-ish with anticipation. My fiance is off to Vegas (I know, but she’s never been!) tomorrow for her bachelorette party and I have the first weekend to myself in over three years. I don’t even know what I’m going to do.

  17. I’m doing very well, thank you so much for asking! My brother just moved in with one of his army buddies and I spent last weekend at their place and holy cow is he ever tall and gorgeous and has adorable kids that I got to behave* so well that he just sort of followed me around with cartoon hearts in his eyes all weekend and I’m still on a sort of high from that even though he lives 3 hours away and my brother says I can’t sleep with his roommate which is fair. BUT I take my cat to the vet on Monday to get his vaccines in anticipation of his impending separation from his testicles, so every time he purrs at me or climbs into my lap or gazes at me adoringly I get a little sad because it’s like “well, these days are certainly numbered because I’m about to take all this love and trust and throw it out the window when I stuff you in a cage and bring you to strangers to have your nuts chopped off.”

    *I have long hair and I’m pretty in a very non-threatening way so kids just eat me up. They were misbehaving like mad and he seemed really exhausted so I sent him with my brother to get food and by the time he was back they were playing “cleaning games” and learning to count in French. Working in a preschool run by a child phychologist has finally paid off.

  18. It’s a good day because work is slack. But I wasted a solid hour of this free time assembling clip art into a carrots thing I posted here on videogum. That was fun but really, there’s tons of things I need to do. Like call my insurance company to fight over a bill, write a business-related email, and find a hotel in Temecula for this week’s zombie 5k. It’s going to be fun, I think? A 5k where you are chased by people made up as zombies. But my friends are very disorganized and having to do the work has turned me into a person who wants to just stay home that day. My cure for this feeling is going to be a late lunch, which actually means driving 2 miles to sit on the beach and read a book for 40 minutes. That will relieve the stress of hotel-searching, but when I get back, I still will have no hotel yet. It’s all so irritating but these are my problems? So life’s okay!

    • Which beach do you go to? What book are you reading?

      • Playa del Rey. “Boss” by Mike Royko, which is about Chicago politics of the 1960s. I would have finished it, but right after I said I was going to the beach, work got busy and I had to stay. Oh well.

        • Ah, my office is in Santa Monica so if you see someone staring at you while you’re reading, it’s definitely not me. Don’t even bother thinking about it, totally not me. One thumb, two thumbs, or no thumbs up on the book?

        • hotspur, Boss is my favorite book of all time. You have no idea how happy I am that you are reading it. I love the chapter where Royko gives the seminal description of a neighborhood.

          • Are you even kidding me?? Because I was thinking, “Oof, this is going to come across like such an obscure reading choice…” BUT NO. LEAVE IT TO A MONSTER. Wow, Fondue… I sit here genuinely amazed.

  19. 1. I ran into this:

    2. I messed up my back this past weekend. So I’m working while lying down on my belly in the middle of my hallway. My dog is lying on the top of my neck.
    3. I’ve been watching the 30 for 30 documentaries on Netflix. Great stuff even if you’re not into sports. I would also recommend the HBO Real Sports and Underdogs on SI.
    4. I thought I saw Stu on a picture for the bar next door but it turns out he does not own plaid shorts.
    5. I was psyched in the last weeks that I finally averaged 8 minute miles while jogging. I haven’t run since I messed my back but I hope to get back to 7 miles by spring.
    6. Does anyone have any coupons?
    7. Is there like a dropbox or something similar to send stuff to you guys? I don’t know how the Internet works. I’d like to send some stuff bigger than email. Just dumb stuff, so ignore if you’re not interested.
    8. I’m 2 of 10 in the monsters Fantasy football League West Conference but I have the most points.
    9. Did everyone RSVP to the International Unofficial Monster Meetup in Chicago yet?
    10. You guys are pretty cool.
    11. 49rs 26 Ravens 17

    • 7. you can make mediafire folders password protected so you can send stuff to only certain people and then they just need the password to get it.

      9. I haven’t RSVP’d, can I just show up or do I need to RSVP?

      • You can just show up. The reason we’re asking people to RSVP is to figure out how many people might show up. I’m friends with some different people who run bars (M Night Shyamalan twist) so we have different options. It’s just a mater of size.
        Re: dog thing. I would maybe encourage your roommate to volunteer at a dog place? I’ve done it a couple of times and it shows you just how hard it is to properly train a proper dog. On the flip side he or she might bring home 20 dogs.

      • ditto on 9

        and what are some of your favorite 30 for 30s? I’ve been watching them too, but usually just based on my level of interest in the subject.

        the Marinovich Project and June 17,1994 are favorites and the Matt Hoffman one I just finished wasn’t great filmmaking or gripping per se, but was good nonetheless.

        • I haven’t seen Marinovich yet and I’m not really interested in Matt Hoffman but I might give it a shot. Some of them have really interesting topics but are poorly made and vice versa. It’s really worth it to check out each one, IMO.

          For people who hate sports I would recommend The Band That Wouldn’t die.

          My personal faves are:
          Catching Hell
          The U
          The 16th Man
          No Crossover
          Jordan Rides The Bus
          Fernando Nation

    • 6. For just anything?
      9. I’d love to go to Chicago but it’s far and I’m poor, but also how the hell are there like 200 people invited? There’s only 20 people who ever comment on here…

      • Re 6: Yes
        9. Back when Werttrew kept some type of control over the Monsters Ball numbers, he estimated the active accounts to be about 400. This was over a year ago. If you think about it the people who are regular commenters are actually a tiny part of the people who comment, and they’re a tiny part of the people who regularly read VG, and they’re a tiny part of the people who are causal reader, and so on and so on…

      • I would love to go to Chicago to meet everyone because I think you all are so cool and also I might be a bit in love with Chris Trash but there’s no way I’ll actually go so maybe we can do some Skype shots or Drink Across North America-type thing to feel less left out?

    • 3. “Run Ricky Run” is another great 30 for 30 about Ricky Williiams, who fascinates me. Major social anxiety his whole life, hates the spotlight, more thoughtful guy than the pothead image he gets in the media. And, if you like basketball, the “Reggie Miller vs Knicks” doc is pretty funny, going into the rivalry and his feud with Spike Lee.

      4. Look for me in the pages of SuburbaNites:

      5. My left IT band was really sore after the chicago marathon*, so now I’ve been giving it a rest to avoid actually injuring it, but I’m getting a little stir crazy. It has been like Derrick Rose: The Return ( the way this city has rallied around that occasional tightness in my knee, though.

      *where, incidentally, I somehow spotted Chris Trash cheering around mile 22, but didn’t realize that was him until I’d gone 10 yards past (full brain function had been lost an 30 minutes previous), and then backtracked to say hi, which was probably a mistake because starting my legs in the right direction again suddenly became a feat of immense coordination.

      11. I believe it’s 49ers v Seahawks tonight, but I’d take San Fran too. Emotional letdown after beating Pats vs

      • @ Explainer Guy: I forgot about The Announcement. Defffo one of the better ones. I’d recommend this one to everybody as well. If it wasn’t for my strong stoic macho yet lovable exterior I would’ve cried at that one.

        3. I have a Miami Ricky Williams jersey. I hate smoking pot but I think it should be legalized.
        4. Done.
        5. I’d recommend going to Athetico or a similar place. They give you a free screening to see how your leg is doing and show you a bunch of stretches to get better. They also refer you to a doctor in case it doesn’t get better. In that case you can go back, now with the privilege of paying.
        5* I was originally supposed to run the last half of the marathon pacing my dad. But because I am dumb with trains, I went to mile 22 instead. I ran with him but because I’d been cheering at the runners for a while I cheered at the spectators for some reason** like I was cheering them while I was running.
        **because I am dumb.
        11. Agreed, I think that because the Seattle Ravens lost catcher Walter Payton to a torn triceps they will not be a contender this year.

  20. My day was pretty boring. Lately, I’ve been trying to wake up early to study, but instead I just turn off my alarm and have luckily been able to wake up naturally about 45 minutes before I usually leave for class. Although, the morning got kind of sour when roaches tried to attack me in my shower. I live in a ghetto area…

    I drove to class and went on a different route to get coffee. I was proud of myself for deciding that I will always take this route in the morning, because it’s faster and I can get coffee as I please.

    At school, I put my makeshift lunch bag, a paper Starbucks bag, on the counter with my fork it, since I put my frozen lunch in the freezer. When I came back to this area, my bag and fork were gone. So, screw you school! I can’t eat noodle soup without any utensil. I went home.

    Now I’m at home trying to study. I excitedly received a phone call from my friend and am expecting some snail mail from my mom and friend. So life is pretty good overall. :D How is your day Gabe and Kelly?

    • Last year I bought a sandwich from Starbucks and I left it in my car. When I remembered where I left it I went to get it but My car was broken into. All they took was my sandwich and some CDRs.

      • Once I left my car unlocked at the LAX parking lot for a week and it was totally fine. Apparently no one wanted a beat to hell 1992 Corolla featuring a plug-in Sony discman with a Kerry ’04 sticker on it or my collection of burned Belle and Sebastian cds. Their loss, really.

        • Once somebody broke into the garage of the house I was living in, and they slashed the seats of my roommate’s cousin’s truck that he was hiding from the repo man, stole a shitty boombox, spray painted “FUKK WHITE PEOPLE” on the inside of the garage door, and left behind a leather jacket with an picture of an eagle on the back.

          • Someone once broke into my apartment, but all they took was a flashlight and some garbage bags (presumably to be used for robbing other people) because I don’t have anything worth stealing.

          • I like you guy’s story better, but I do feel sad about my poor fork. Leather jacket with a picture of the eagle on the back sounds nice.

          • My roommate’s boss came by the next day and nailed the leather jacket to a post in the alley. We made him take it down though because we didn’t want to get murdered.

  21. I was trying to decide between Mexican and Thai food for lunch today and after wandering around downtown a little I picked Thai, but then when I got there I couldn’t decide if I wanted curry+rice or fried noodles, and if I wanted a thai ice tea or not, and what kind of meat I wanted in said lunch, but then the waitress came in the middle of my deliberating/pro-con-evaluation and in my panic I made snap decisions on all of them, and now I feel really full of grease and sugar (fried noodles + thai ice tea), but am not sure if the food itself was good enough to justify how gross I feel now, and also am not sure I would have made better decisions if I had more time to collect my thoughts before ordering.

    Basically, my food-life is a mess and I shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions ever.

  22. I don’t know how I feel about today. It’s 80something and beautiful which is awesome. I’m staring at the Golden Gate Bridge right now and that is fantastic.

    I am not super in love with my job today though. I just got promoted and I’m trying to do my best with it, but it feels like I’m always stuck at these impasses where I can’t communicate correctly with the other person involved. It seems like you have the same fights all the time and it just gets tiring. You just want to move on with the day sometimes and stop caring so it can be 6 o’clock and you can go home and read some comedy blogs and bake cookies already.

    I’m also a little tired of having to go out alone quite often to make my evenings interesting. I have a lot of good friends and a significant other, but none of them live in the same city so I only see them really on weekends. I used to be more confident about going out alone during the evening, but I feel like the harrassment I get on the street has jumped up significantly. Like the amount of times a homeless, or worse not even homeless, man on the street yells sexual abuse is just too much to deal with these days.

    • What do you do? if you don’t mind me asking.

      • I work in software.

        • He meant “what do you do about the homeless people?” to which the correct answer would be “no comment” so as not to incriminate yourself.

          I kid, I kid. I loves ya, ya homelesses.

          Actually, now that I’m talking about the homeless I’m reminded of something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago. Kind of a long story but I somehow got suckered into driving a guy paralyzed from the waist down and his sketchy motor-home – or in this case, his home-home, which shows a significant lack of foresight, in my opinion, since he couldn’t drive it himself – almost a quarter of the way across the country on my three days off. The country in question being Canada. He said he would pay me and then fly me back but he LIED! The story ends with me buying him two packs of cigarettes as an apology and then shutting the door on him as he pleaded with me and then walking around town in a daze for about an hour because, dude, you just shut the door in the face of a begging, stranded paraplegic! If that’s not something you’ve ever had to do, I wouldn’t recommend it.

          This is the shortened version. There are details I could include that would make me sound like less of an asshole but why bother because at the end of the day, I slowly closed the door on him while making a “this is hurting me more than it’s hurting you” face.

          That wasn’t today but close enough, right? We’re not playing by Battleship rules, I hope.

        • I made a dumb joke above because the real answer to what I do about the street harassment is boring. It’s just, “ignore them.” I learned the hard way that anything more than ignoring homeless men (or able bodied men of sound mind!) on the street leads to me being touched or followed which as you might imagine is terrible.

          Your story is like a David Sedaris essay. I am fascinated.

          • You acknowledge my existence! Hey baby, where you headed? What’s your sign?

            Your joke above flew right over my head. I’d had a couple of beers so let’s blame that.

  23. I have everything but the essay portion completed for my application to seminary. Tonight I’m going out for sushi and Halloween costume shopping with my best friend, which means that instead of either working or writing my essay, which is what I intended to do today, I’ve been having a lot of thought tangents like “Where can I get a lead pipe, and should I paint blood on it?” and “Should I buy a new cigarette holder?”

    I’m going as Miss Scarlet from Clue. I REALLY wanted to be The Bride from Kill Bill but it turns out those yellow jumpsuits are ridic expensive.

  24. I just did yoga which kicked my bum in the best way.

    But otherwise I spent the day worrying that my roommate is going to go through with her threats of buying a dog. I love dogs, but the reason I don’t have one is that I don’t have time. She works 60+ hours a week and gets home at least 2 hours after me every night. This means I would be the one stuck taking the dog out every night and probably feeding it (because what monster comes home to a starving dog and ignores it?). It is making me sad that this will destroy my awesome roomie situation.

    dogs are awesome, but people need to understand how much work they are.

    • Oh man, don’t let her do it. Don’t. I have seen this happen so many times and it always becomes such a terrible situation for everyone involved, especially the dog.

    • I once had roommates with a dog that they didn’t have time to take care of or properly train so it all fell to me even though I worked 10 hour days and it wasn’t the dog’s fault at all but holy hell did I ever HATE that dog by the time I moved out.

      • yeah, I lived with a lab for a year and the owner was decent about walking/feeding but was terrible about cleaning up the hairs and washing the dog. That dog reeked to high heaven, but somehow the owner got angry when the rest of us roommates actually bathed the dog. Something about “sensitive skin.” It caused a lot of fights.

        I am afraid for the fights.

        • Seriously?

          Not to be an ass, but I ran into this garbage SO MUCH when I lived in Chicago… significantly more so than any other city. (When I got my pup, my cousin (now a father of two humans) even asked if it was a ruse to nab a husband — AS THAT WAS THE STANDARD OF HIS AREA. My answer: “No, my dog was the universe righting itself. Thankfully, the guys with labs that use their pups to meet girls freak out the minute I talk about poop, bones, health, food, walking, toys, daycare, etc.” And then he bought me a good beer because all in all, he’s a good person who had a handful of friends who made TERRIBLE decisions and even at 24 I was the best dog mom in the world.)

          And that is the day I got a beer. #greatstorybij

          Anyway, the overuse/breeding of labs in a city environment was infuriating to me always… But to know that their pup was not held to the highest regards… Actually I’m blind with rage.

          labs are the most-euthanized dogs

          I got my pup at the Anti-Cruelty Society

          • I think the smell thing was actually more derived from the fact that my friend let the dog sleep in her bed, so her entire room smelled. We figured after a while she became acclimated and didn’t notice it. Lucky her, bad luck for the rest of us.

            Also, because it was a pure-bred lab she was not allowed to be neutered. Puppy time-of-the-months last 3 weeks. DISGUSTING.

    • this is close to my current situation and it is the worst. i feel so bad for that dog all the time. it stays cooped up in her room all day because she works, and then she never even walks it and we live right by central park! then when the dog finally gets out it is so hyper because it hasn’t done anything all day and basically it is all the worst and so sad. and also, plus, whenever she goes out of town, me and my other roommates end up watching it because she “cant afford the astronomical cost of boarding.” which is bullshit and she sucks.

  25. Lots of anxiety over here, I’m going on a first date tonight and since I broke up with my girlfriend of seven years recently, I really don’t know how people behave anymore in the outside world. Let’s hope I still remeber some proper manners.

    Big long time Vgum fan, unfortunately due to my lack of confidence on my skills in a foreign language, I don’t comment at all, but I think this new column will encourage people like me to be a little more active.

    Have a great rest of the day everyone.

    • GOOD LUCK!! I haven’t gone on any dates since breaking up with my boyfriend in April and I’m worried I will also not have any idea how to behave on one. Will I remember how to flirt? Will I misread cues? Has sex changed since the last time I had it? Very stressful!

    • Are you worried that you don’t speak English well? Because seriously man, you speak it better than most people in this country.

      • Thanks for the encouragement , I just hope she is secretly also a Vgum monster aswell, because I’m planning on starting the date with a “Hey, What’s up with Topher Grace? and probably I will just receive a blank stare in return.

        I don’t know that many videogum readers here in Mexico (apart form my roomate and me) but we always feel that our English will not hold up to the standards,.I know it is kind of stupid because the community is very welcoming.

        • Aw, your English is great! I was nervous to start commenting too, but I got an amazing welcome and now I comment probably too much. Plus, I think it’s neat when we get Monsters who aren’t Americans for some perspective!

    • yeah, i like this too. I think the post above this was my first ever on the site, and I’ve been an avid reader for like 4 years. Not sure why it’s taken me so long since I have no problems being a huge trolling douchebag on other sites. But whatever, this seems like a nice, safe forum to start posting on here.

      I feel like I just walked into a coffee shop and on either side of me are Nick Cage and Steve Harvey, and they’re talking across me because who knows why. Why didn’t they just sit next to each other? But I’m not complaining! They’re talking about all of their different mustaches! And then the waitress comes to take my order and it’s Uma Thurman, who’s working on a role. She gives me skim milk instead of 2%, and I laugh about it even though I am a little upset, but instead I ask if Quentin Tarantino ever Tarantino’d her. She plays coy, but I’m not sure. Her iPad buzzes and she walks away, but not before planting a big kiss on my bill. (I later drop it in a puddle, because we aren’t even perfect in our dreams.)

      What I’m saying is, I feel like i’m hanging out with the big dogs.

  26. Halfway through the performance of a cervical spinal fusion procedure, I realized I have never loved my wife.

  27. I had great day! I went to do a focus group but they overbooked it so I got handed an envelope with $150 in cash just for driving over there, which is maybe the best thing that has ever happened to me. This weekend I’m going to run through the desert solving clues in a competition kind of like the Amazing Race but with no planes and less yelling at loved ones. Plus the weather is amazing and I love not having to own an umbrella or any warm clothes.

    • I went to a focus group when I was a teen. Not knowing what the fuck was going on, other than some strangers giving me money to hear my opinion on Clamato, I started selling the stuff to them.
      “what do you think of the drink size?”
      “It’s the perfect size to share with a friend!”
      Would you drink this by itself or mix it with something?
      “This would go great with anything or by itself!”
      They gave me the money right there and told me I din’t need to stay for the latter part of the session.

      • Hahahaha! “I can’t live without The Original Tomato Clam Cocktail!”

        I’ve been doing focus groups twice a year for the last 5 years and it’s just unbelievable. I show up, get fed, give my opinion for two hours, then walk out with a bunch of cash.

      • I used to sign up for paid psych experiments all the time in university and I was exactly the same. When someone is paying you, you just tell them what you think they want to hear. There’s your grad school psych thesis, print it and here’s your PhD sir. I did one once where they bought me food for 2 weeks beforehand, all 3 meals every day, then put me in a room with either really intense lighting for 30 hours and asked me to fill out a questionnaire before and after. I just did my readings and econ assignments while I was in there. Still not sure what the point was, but they paid me 250$ and fed me for 2 weeks so I really didn’t care.

        • I made $5 once by saying who was attractive and who wasn’t after looking at many photographs of strangers, which is great because that’s what I do anyway when I read crappy magazines. So, really, I made $5 PLUS the cost of an US Weekly.

          (Sociology experiments at small schools pay poorly.)

  28. I mailed off my unemployment appeal review today as a last-ditch effort to have some income and hopefully get my food stamps renewed next month. I also mailed off my voter registration card a day late, but I think there might be some leeway. And I finally mailed off my recyclable toothbrush because I’ve been afraid the mailperson won’t pick it up from my apartment’s mailboxes.

    I got 7 skeins of yarn balled, drank some cold, unmixed cocoa, and am thinking of getting ramen from the store for dinner while my boyfriend gets drinks with old friends.

    Throw in a lame comedy on Netflix, and this will have been a day of ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

  29. Oh man, it has been the weirdest 24ish hours for me!

    Yesterday, I found out the my name, SSN, and DOB were all compromised because someone hacked into the Florida education system’s database! They stole close to 300,000 people’s information! So, I had to put a fraud alert out with the credit ratings agencies, and then call my bank! It is all very stressful!

    And then TODAY, I had a surprise phone interview and they want to bring me in for an actual face-to-face interview! It’s very exciting! It’s not my dream job, but it is in the field I actually studied in school, as opposed to what I am doing now which is boring and terribly depressing!

    AND tomorrow I’m leaving to go on a road trip for a friend’s wedding on Saturday!


    • I hope the fraud stuff works out for you. That is literally the most inconvenient thing to go through.

      • Thank you! So far, none of the students whose info got stolen have reported anything fishy. There are some faculty at the school where the security breach happened who have had money stolen. The dumb thing is, I did not even ATTEND THAT SCHOOL. Someone was able to get into their database and then from there they got into the statewide database and stole all our shit.

    • AHHHH YOU’RE GOING TO BE A MOH FOR THE FIRST TIME!!! I did that a few weekends ago and it was so much fun, but one of the other bridesmaids had a baby that night and started having contractions in the chapel so was sqeezing my hand and sweating through the whole thing even though the bride said she should go to the hospital she was very determined and I was so worried I’d have to use my movie watching skills to deliver a baby during my best friend’s wedding but thank goodness she held out until the speeches then took off like a flash for the hospital. What a trooper she is, that girl! I hope you have at least as much fun as I did and I hope your salon is better than the one we went to because we all looked like draaag queeeeens!

      • My dad once was at a wedding where a lady started having a baby so they took a cab to the emergency room and then the cabdriver disappeared (?), so my dad got out his little keychain swiss army knife and cut the lady’s underpants off so the baby could come out (???). Later on, inside the hospital, the baby’s father was a jerk to my dad because my dad had seen his wife’s Parts, so my dad got back in the cab and made it back to the wedding in time for cake.

        I have absolutely no reason this believe this story which I’ve heard a million times is true, but it certainly would make a terrible movie. And you should probably keep a swiss army knife handy, that’s the moral.

      • Holy schneikes that is a bananas story!! That girl is a better person than I, because I’m fairly certain I would have split as soon as the ceremony was over! But I’m really glad it all worked out and that you didn’t have to cut an umbilical cord with your teeth or anything! And that you got to have a good time later! Although I’m slightly disappointed that there will be no Fatima: The MOH Midwife coming to Lifetime in the Spring.

        This is actually not the wedding I get to be the MOH at! That one is in April; this one is just going to be funtimes and no responsibilities and sharing a hotel room with one of my girlfriends!

        When it gets close to the wedding where I get to be MOH, I am going to come to you for ALL the advice and also tell all my bridesmaids that story about the girl going into labor, so they have no excuses.

        • Tell embarrassing jokes in your speech. I’ve noticed a trend where all the boys have hilarious awesome speeches and all the girls have sappy, weepy, touching speeches. Tear down this wall! I told the story about the moment that cemented our friendship: when we snuck booze into a Serial Joe concert when we were kids after eating some bad Thai food and had to rush the men’s bathroom because we both had the scoots and there was a line for the girls’. Poop, using the wrong bathroom, and Serial Joe is like the trifecta of embarrassment. Also, it’s super cliche, but start off by saying nice stuff then stop and say “Uh, I can’t read your writing here” it brings down the house very time. Older people love that kind of thing. Poop stories for the young, lame jokes for the old.

  30. I’m waiting for this landlord to get back to me so i can move on with my life.

    • Get back to you about what?

      • If I got this house or not, I need to be out of my current place by the 1st. I really like this place, but now I’m just like let me know so i can make arrangements.

    • Reminds me of a pharmacist I work with, who made an offer on a house when his daughter was born, and now she’s 10 months and Bank of America is making him do all this paperwork still!! But really, it’s first world problems, because he has another house. Twist! Good luck with your life!

  31. I voted (go Romney!) because I will be out of the country on election day.

    And I got a haircut that I really like, even though I was nervous because my barber is a skinhead, so I can’t judge him by his hair. BUT, he has tattoos, which makes me trust him as a barber. Which is racist. I think I just invented a stereotype: People with sleeve tattoos are very good at cutting hair.

    And I hit the halfway mark on AM Homes’ May We Be Forgiven, which is awesome.

    And NY was so pretty today!


    • Perhaps I should try this tatted hair cutter thing. All mine are asian people, and so far it’s been a toss up. I thought people always hate their haircuts until it grows on them and you start to look cute somehow, because you’re confident. No?

  32. My first class today was Death, Dying, and Terminal Illness, which could be super intense/rewarding, but instead I ended up thinking about how this whole shebang costs something like $2.55 a minute while yet another YouTube video of a Ted talk played on the projector.
    I finally found the new vegan sandwich cart and got a bahn mi and then a dumb meeting was cancelled, so I sat outside in the nice weather and ate and looked at all the undergraduates feeling their feelings. I had more classes that made me feel kind of carved out, so I wrote my friend a letter instead of watching an old man try to explain Microsoft Publisher. I don’t know how to make friends with people anymore, so I kind of talked to some classmates I like, but mostly bolted when classes were done.
    I’m not sure I remember how human works. A lot of people are getting married and I hate that it makes me feel a little sad, but it was all around me today. Boo-urns. I walked home over the South Street bridge and I was very tired, but the sunset was lovely on the water. My rabbit is sitting under my feet. I am going to go watch Once Upon A Time instead of going to yoga or lifting because I am an adult/American and I get to make bad choices.

    • Figuring out how much you’re paying per minute is always depressing, don’t ever try it! There was a girl in FOUR of my classes one year who would pick fights with the prof to try and prove how clever she was and I would calculate how much money I paid to listen to her verbally masturbate. I was going to give her a bill at the end of the year.

    • You sound unhappy and that makes me sad. Making friends is hard! I wish my life were like “I Love You, Man,” and I made a bromance with Jason Segel. Just try to put yourself out there to make friends like Paul Rudd’s character did. Haha! I know that feels. In fact, I was just talking to my friend about how at my undergrad, I hated it because in class it was so hard to make friends. I’m in grad school, where I pretty much have nothing in common with people other than career, and so far no luck in the friend category, more like classmate acquaintances. I know if I keep trying, I’ll find someone awesome. Marriage is cool and all, but at the right time. :)

      • I haven’t seen that move, but the phrase “made a bromance” makes me feel pretty great about things.

        • I really love that movie, and I really recommend it! Paul Rudd does fall into his typical character (awkward business man type), but ahh my favoritest thing to say about air guitaring is in it.

          • Also related story, I used to work at Blockubster… and when it closed (ahh no why!?), all the dvds were like $5, which is not really a great sale. These two maybe 40s-50s soccer moms came up and bought I Love You, Man. And one of them was doing the air guitaring thing and said the quote. Basically, that is what I want to grow up to be.

  33. Today is my first day back at work after being out sick the rest of this week. Of course, I wasn’t that excited to come back because I was basically told by HR that I will be out of a job two weeks before Christmas last Friday. Then I found out today from my father, if I end up unemployed for any real length of time, there is a very distinct possibility that my dad could lose his house because he co-signed on my student loans. For the last 5 years I’ve paid them for myself, but if I’m unemployed there is no way I could afford the $850 a month payments. It turns out, right now my father couldn’t either. Throw in having had surgery back in June that still hasn’t healed and all in all, not only has it been a great day but it’s been a great year. Good thing the world ends in December!

  34. This is a powerfully great addition to Viideogum.

  35. In 10th grade. our teacher would have “How you doing? Fridays” where he would ask everyone how they were doing. I got so sick of it by the end, that one Friday I responded deadpan as a joke “I’m thinking about killing myself, Mr. Caswell.”

    And nobody laughed. And the teacher was very concerned, until I explained after class that it was a joke, and then he gave me detention.

    This is a 100% true story of one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. But it’s also a metaphor or something.

  36. I’m working and also looking for a date to the Mumford & Sons show next week because the person I bought the extra ticket for apparently won’t be caught dead in public with me. Anyone want to go? Catch: you have to be seen in public with me.

    • If you show up at my apartment with a bottle of whiskey and a Mumford & Sons DVD, I will 100% watch it with you, but I will also constantly say things like “Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?” because of your profile image.

  37. Today the hot water heater in my dorm stopped working and I have now not showered for almost 36 hours. I feel gross. My boss doesn’t know this happened, though, because I work on the Internet for this website.

    My only class of the day was very boring, though the professor left a slide with all the answers up during our quiz today. This is the third time he has done that this quarter. It was cool the first time but now it’s like what am I even paying you for, maaaaaan? Actually I can answer that. I am paying him for an easy A and also for fulfilling one of my distros.

  38. I like this thread very much.

    My PTSD and depression kicks into high gear this time of year, a fact which presents an interesting (to me) dichotomy since autumn is pretty much the best season out of the four seasons (I will fight anyone who says otherwise and you will win because I have never been in a fight). But today was okay! I had the day off and have some exciting interviews coming up. I finished a couple songs and tonight I’m making fried catfish and collard greens for my wife and myself. I like making music! I like cooking! I like my wife!

    I like this thread very much. I’m not sure if I like Ashton Kutcher. I guess I’m ambivalent about the Ashton Kutcher situation.

  39. Eh, my kid has a speech delay and, I know this sucks, when I looked at the new paperwork today I thought to myself, shit, my kid is stupid and it’s probably my fault since I spend all day with him. Which is depressing. So, now I’m drinking a bottomless cup of wine.

    • Gaaaa! Speech delayed kids are not stupid! My husband was very speech delayed, and now he’s the smartest person I know. He’s a doctor AND and a medical info sys guy. Your little guy will turn out great.

  40. I had a good day in class. I did a good job on an html coding project and gave people who know way more about adobe and macs than me advice. As I left class (early, to boot) the streets smelled of delicious, delicious bacon as the cart vendor guy was nearing the end of his workday.

    For 2 weeks I’ve been going to like all the Ricky’s trying to find a goodish Cleopatra wig. Yesterday I went to one that I knew had only one left (which I did not like) but then they sold it. That’s what I get for being picky with costume wigs inspired by dead, famous people playing dead, infamous people.

    Since the end of the summer all the creepy, mentally disturbed customers have stopped coming or have been ordered to stop showing up.

    In short:

  41. Today has just been one day in a really long week. I’ve thought it was Friday at least half this week, which has made for a lot of disappointments. Also my son got sick Sunday night so not only did I feel bad because he wasn’t feeling well, I was pretty much a complete zombie on Monday. Then my husband was having a horrible horrible time with work (it’s a really long story) which was just stressful for everybody. I had to write 2 papers for class this week…not horrible but not my favorite thing to do either. Then yesterday evening right before my one class I started getting sick which also made me sleepy and my professor noticed me starting to nod off… Then today my husband had what he calls a “Scrooge Moment” of seeing the past/present/future (it makes more sense when he explains it) and feels much better about his job for now, which is awesome. But I am still sick and my throat has been killing me all day and I had to make calls for a client’s move and for some other client’s holiday party which meant more talking than I’d like with a sore throat. I would prefer coughing/sneezing/anything to having a sore throat, it’s the worst.

    So yeah, that was my incredibly long week.

  42. Was sick for the past two days, feeling much better today, I have 3 days off next week, and it is Friday night down under, so very long weekend here I come!

  43. My day is going pretty well, though a 4 year old girl with Troll Doll hair sassed me pretty hard on the bus. But I’m in the first week of a new job and things seem to be going pretty well so far. Last night I got to drink some delicious bourbons at a pretty sweet bar and then go dancing at a benefit for Planned Parenthood, and I voted, so yesterday might have been better than today is, but there’s still a lot of today left to happen.

    Later, after work, I will probably try to piece together some semblance of a Halloween costume for a party tomorrow night. I have a $0 budget, so it could get interesting. Would anybody like to take this opportunity to help me figure it out?

  44. This is a great thread and let’s please do it every week!

    And since you asked, my week has been pretty good. I am also two weeks away from my wedding so I think I’m mostly done with doing stuff for that, but am really ready for it to be here already. Also work is very busy but very good.

  45. My day has been ok! Done with work (yes!), had lunch with my hubby (good!) but found out the neighborhood where we ate is now hosting a new restaurant (not a parking garage as I had hoped) which looks like a place where assholes eat (outside!).

    So it really can only get better.

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