Doug Hutchison, the 52-year-old man who married self-proclaimed teenager, Courtney Stodden, has FINALLY broken his LEGENDARY silence on the proper usage of the term “child molester.” OH THANK GOODNESS. At a certain point I was like, is this guy even going to address this? We need to hear what he has to say about it! Where is he? WHERE IS CHUUUUUUUUUCK?! But he’s here now. Hush, baby. Hush, sexy little baby. From ONTD:

“The thing is, it’s interesting that anyone would call me a child molester because what I think that does is belittles true child molesters, the ones out there that are really molesting children. We can’t do that,” says Doug, 52. “My and Courtney’s marriage is legal, it’s moral and its within the law. I’m not a child molester, so anyone who says that I’m not going to take it to heart. I only care about what my loved ones think about me and no one else.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Good use of the word “belittle.” Very proper use of the word “belittle.” Man, you know who would argue that calling an adult who marries a child a child molester is distracting people from actual child molesters? A child molester. There is no greater expression of the love between two people than “my marriage is legal.” GAHHHHH. Tracy Morgan knows what’s in Doug Hutchison’s heart and that’s all that matters. And as long as Doug stands up in a court of law and shouts “I REST MY CASE” I don’t see this going much further. You can’t throw someone in jail for being a child molester if they use the air-tight “sticks and stones” defense. That would belittle our whole justice system!

Comments (22)
  1. BELITTLES…

    “Hey man, stop it with Courtney Stodden. You’re giving the rest of us a bad name.” –Real Child Molester

  2. “man, that Doug Hutchison is sick.” –Jerry Sundusky, tweeting from prison

  3. Okay, confession time. I watched Couples Therapy (first episode). Half on accident, half expecting to turn it off any minute, and the whole thing is deplorable (no doubt) but it was AMAZING how obviously psychologically broken Courtney Stodden and Doug Child Molester Hutchison are. He kept accusing the other guy of calling him a child molester when I don’t think the other guy ever did. They both need very serious, professional, not star-of-a-VH1-therapy-show therapist help.

  4. Calling Doug Hutchison a child molester does in a way belittle a true child molester. He’s just being literal.

  5. So his child molestation is legal because he combined powers with Terrible Parenting to create some sort of legal loophole, like a reverse-Captain Planet? Great defense!

    • The Nuge sort of did this in the 1970s. He couldn’t legally marry the girl, so he became her “guardian” and they had a very Courtney-Doug relationship. Her family was super messed up and he was a sober rock star so the ruling was that she was better off??? Gross. Gross gross gross.

      Obviously, I’m not condoning such things, I’m just letting you know about the love life of Ted “I’d Rather Be Bowhunting” Nugent.

  6. “but we’re in love!”

  7. Can you pls post Kris Jenner’s definition of self-aware?

    • I propose a whole new series of interviews along the lines of “X defines an X” or “Pots defining Kettles”!!

      Ben Roethelsberger defines “rapist”
      Kim Kardashian defines “narcissist”
      Mark Wahlberg defines “heroism”

      You wouldn’t watch/read these responses??

  8. @CourtneyStodden: Mmmm,..Monday morning molestation makes my super sexy hubby say the silliest things PLZ RT

  9. finally somebody gives child molesters the credit they deserve…

  10. Casual accusations of child molestation directed at people who marry children embiggen even the smallest child molesters.

  11. Technically Mr. Cool Pose’s more of an ephebophile than a child molester (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophile).

    This concludes another exciting episode of Tilting Heads and Splitting Hairs!

  12. I still don’t know who these people are but…boo to Child Molestation!

  13. This post only works if you accept the premise that Courtney Stodden was 16 when she got married. I do not accept that premise.

  14. Seems like he’s trying to distract us from remembering he’s super bendy, liver-eating serial killer who lives in a nest of bile. BUT I CAN NEVER FORGET, DOUG.

  15. I like how he slipped a “it’s moral” in the middle there when describing his marriage as completely legal.

    I want to post some image of them doing something inappropriate in public and comment on how their marriage is obviously moral, but while I value humor, I also value not getting fired. And my eyeballs.

  16. Why he doesn’t use the “I’m clearly not into children, my wife looks 45,” defense is beyond me.

  17. I feel like I need to delete my cookies and call the police just for reading that…mess

  18. For the record, I abhor child molesters and watch way too much SVU marathons. This guy’s a really dumb child molester. Doug, you don’t marry kids you molest, because then they grow up and are not longer 18 year olds that look 30 and high. You’ll end up cheating on her in a few years with a 12-year old and end up divorced and paying your child ex-bride alimony for the rest of your pathetic, disgusting, cradle-robbing life, and– if karma works the way I think it does–in jail while everyone does a victory lap.

    However, if we collectively send a ton of cash and emails do you think we can get Chris Meloni to kick his ass?

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