Kelly: Hello, Gabe
Gabe: oh hey! kelly!
Kelly: Oh, what’s up?
Gabe: oh haha, you know!
Gabe: the usz
Gabe: just chillaxing on the net
Kelly: Isn’t it just so funny
Kelly: That you can’t spell the short way to say usually
Kelly: How do you spell it?
Kelly: What’s the deal with that?
Gabe: you were pretty fast with the criticism
Gabe: considering you didn’t have anything to back it up
Kelly: Oh I don’t mean YOU in particular
Kelly: I just mean “you” as in mankind
Gabe: right, as in the difficulty facing all mankind
Gabe: in the spelling of “the usz”
Gabe: one of the key concerns of voters in 2012
Kelly: Tell Us How To Spell It 2012
Kelly: NEWay I’m just hanging out on-line too
Gabe: neat
Kelly: Yeah pretty neat
Kelly: So
Kelly: What’s up? What do you want to talk about?
Gabe: i want to talk about the reification of Honey Boo Boo
Kelly: Oh!

Gabe: as i pointed out this week, i haven’t ever watched the actual show
Gabe: but she’s our new snooki i guess?
Kelly: I guess so!
Gabe: who was our new kate gosselin?
Gabe: who was our new Heather B from the Real World?
Kelly: I was going to say Puck
Kelly: But either way
Gabe: there is a weird and inevitable thing that happens with these people
Gabe: when their show is popular
Gabe: which is that they leave their weird diorama life
Gabe: “House with 8 Kids in it”
Gabe: “Seaside Heights”
Gabe: “Wherever the hell Honey Boo Boo lives”
Gabe: and begin to interact with the real world
Gabe: and not even the real world
Gabe: because going on Jimmy Kimmel
Gabe: is not the real world
Gabe: but they mix it up with the celebrity-industrial complex that created them
Gabe: and then they become these weird performance artists
Gabe: who have to maintain the character they have become
Gabe: in fish out of water scenarios

Kelly: Right
Kelly: Because their identity has become compromised
Kelly: But if they don’t want to have to go back to that identity pre-fame
Kelly: They have to continue to maintain that identity
Kelly: Even though it is no longer their identity
Gabe: but then the show also has to reflect that
Gabe: somehow
Gabe: or at least address it
Gabe: like in season 2 of Jersey Shore
when everyone pulled up to that dilapidated garbage house
Gabe: in a brand new black mercedes
Kelly: I’m realizing now, in trying to think of another example
Kelly: That the reality shows I watch are the ones that desperately try to remove any aspect of the notion that the people on the show and the people around the people on the show have any idea that they are on a successful reality show
Kelly: Like Gallery Girls <3 <3
Gabe: hahaha
Gabe: well, Bravo kind of has its own reality asthetic
Gabe: a meritocratic contest show is different
Gabe: although the Real Housewives
Gabe: get pretty far up their own butts
Kelly: haha yes
Gabe: in general what happens, of course
Gabe: is that eveyrone’s mind falls apart
Gabe: but this time we are dealing with an actual child
Gabe: she IS a child
Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: There was a point in that Jimmy Kimmel interview
Kelly: I’m sure you remember
Kelly: When she got flustered and nervous and just shouted, “YOU BETTER REDNECKOGNIZE!”

Gabe: yes
Kelly: To cheers from the audience
Kelly: And it was kind of EXTREMELY heartbreaking
Gabe: hey! hopefully she will take all of the money from the show
Gabe: invest it in Apple or whatever
Gabe: go to college
and become a brain surgeon
Gabe: or the first female president
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: That is the hope
Gabe: that is what everyone at the network is hoping for and why they got into this business in the first place
Kelly: “Do I have to go over the hope again?”
Kelly: This is a strange case, though, where it’s not like Jon and Kate + 8 or something
Kelly: Where the family goes from basically normal to completely destroyed
Gabe: well, if the end result is destruction
Gabe: which it almost 100 percent always is
Gabe: i’m not sure how much it matters
Gabe: where they started from
Gabe: there have been plenty of weirdos on reality TV
Gabe: who got chewed right up
Gabe: with the exception of The Miz
Gabe: he’s perfect
Kelly: Hahahaaaaa
Kelly: The Miz is definitely perfect, good for The Miz.
Gabe: long story short
Gabe: when honey boo boo was going to come out
Gabe: everyone was very worried about what
Gabe: that family was going to do to our culture
Gabe: but no one seemed very worried
Kelly: oh this is going to be very good
Gabe: about what our culture was going to do to that family
Kelly: BOOM

Gabe: shut up, kelly
Kelly: No, that was very good
Kelly: Put that on a power point and send it to every college!
Gabe: when is your internship over?
Gabe: don’t you have to go back to school at some point?
Kelly: Why would I go back to school when I have the best teacher in the world right here?
Gabe: you’ve been great, such a great asset
Gabe: we’re having cupcakes in the conference room
Gabe: to say goodbye to kelly, everyone
Gabe: she has to go start her junior year
Gabe: of high school
Gabe: THIS SHOULD BE A REALITY SHOW RIGHT HERE!
Kelly: aaahahahahahaha
Gabe: put US on TV
Gabe: we’ll come up with catchprhases for days
Gabe: bloggetaboutit!
Kelly: POSTED AND ROASTED!
Kelly: Hahaha it’s only too bad
Kelly: That “you’re fired” is already a catchphrase
Gabe: two people were picked to live in a house to find out what really happens when no one watches this show
Gabe: COULD YOU GET THE PHONE?!
Kelly: “What shows are on tonight?”
Gabe: i suppose if we are very lucky
Gabe: the Honey Boo Boos
Gabe: (that’s their family name, right?)
Gabe: will become the next Kardashians
Kelly: We can only hope.
Gabe: incidentally kris kardashian said this week
Gabe: that she wants to be their manager?
Gabe: like what is even going on out there in this world?
Kelly: Honey Boo Boo’s manager?
Gabe: yes
Gabe: Dream Team
Kelly: Holy moly. I must say that I did get a little nervous for the family when I found out that the mom was their manager.
Kelly: Kris Kardashian seems like the perfect solution
Gabe: “Where would you like to see yourself in five years?”
Gabe: “Cheeseburger!”
Gabe: “Well, I think if you orchestrate a sex tape with Zak and Cody the Suite Life then you can have a cheeseburger in only 3 years.”
Gabe: and THAT is showbusiness
Kelly: And you thought their lives would be destroyed.

Comments (30)
  1. so when are we having cupcakes?

  2. Ever think Skynet was trying to do us a favor?

  3. Well, considering that we lose 4 years of our lives for every episode of Honey Boo Boo we watch (pretty sure I got that number right), I think it’s actually going to end worse for us.

  4. FYI Kelly, the thing we are trying to write as ‘usz’ can be easily spelled using the Cyrillic alphabet as: юж. This was the one piece of information I took away from my intro to Russian class.

  5. If Kris Kardashian really wants to lock down her position as Honey Boo Boo’s manager, she should tell her that she can control midichlorians to win beauty pageants. Historically, that’s been known to work in similar situations.

  6. This post needs more pictures of The Miz!

  7. But what will become of the Duck Dynasty?!? That’s a thing, right?

  8. i have not seen the show and don’t get the appeal. at all. the fact that people consider this “entertainment” or “fun” is just baffling to me. it’s basically “people of Walmart” but on TV…and everyone thinks its funny, until you are actually in Walmart with said people.

    • I’ve never see the show either, but I have seen a picture of Honey Boo Boo with her head inside a cupcake vending machine, and now I think this kid might not be so bad.

    • Well, OK, so, apparently I am a Honey Boo Boo apologist buy I have seen EVERY episode of this show and the appeal, for me at least, was a lot less sado-masochistic than I thought it would be. I expected to like ii like I like Hoarders, purely because schadenfreude and morbid curiosity.

      The show is actually super charming in a totally unexpected way because while most reality shows are about people NOT getting along (The Real World, The Real Housewives, Bad Girls Club), The Boo Boo Family actually really love each other and enjoy each others company in a really wholesome, tolerant, and endearing way.

      Honey Boo Boo has a gay uncle who she loves (problematically she calls him Uncle Poodle, but its fine, its still cute) and has quoted her mother saying “Pretty comes in all sizes” and, I’m sorry, that’s JUST endearing.

      • 1) Totally agree. My expectations (Look at these morons) quickly turned into “Oh god, I’m a terrible person because I expected to laugh at these people’s differences but it turns out they totally love each other and that’s the core of the show.”

        2) It’s funny to me, albeit totally unsurprising, that Gabe’s high horse perspective on the JImmy Kimmel interview allowed him to totally overlook and/or find it unworthy to comment on what the mom on the show does with the money they make from filming.

        Here is what she does [or claims to]. She takes the money, divides it evenly, and puts it in trust funds for her kids. Then she takes another percentage of the money and donates it to charity.

        Totally someone worthy of looking down on, am I right?

  9. Can everyone please be sure to sign the card on my desk for Kelly’s last day? Thanks!

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