Ugh, I knew it. So predictable. OF COURSE IT WAS JAMES THE WHOLE TIME. I hate James so much, it makes me sick. I hope someone pushes HIM off his bike and into a pile of trash. [Vincent Price laugh.]

Comments (28)
  1. Watch the video before you read the text everyone. There’s a massive spoiler in the text. Pretty good trick, Gabe. Happy Halloween.

    • “Hey, you should watch this great movie about a man that is dead the whole time and doesn’t even know it.” -Gabe

  2. I love everything about this so much, but especially the little scream interspersed throughout.

  3. Umm… Gabe. You forgot to mention Money-Maker-Mac, of course.

  4. I think that’s a different James from the James in Stolen Bikes. Is James a shapeshifter, guys? I’m scared.

  5. Pro-tip: not too much candy to be found in the woods. Get to a rich neighborhood, asap.

  6. I remember the first time I saw the video for “Thriller.” I was in elementary school the year it came out and my school was having a fall festival. There were games set up in the parking lot, easy games that cost a quarter a piece to play. You won tickets that could be redeemed for various prices–plastic rings and stickers.

    In the second grade classroom, a room with the shades drawn and the lights out, a television and VCR were set up to screen the “Thriller” video. It cost twenty tickets to see it. I saved up all of the tickets I won all day long just so I could see it. It took a really long time because I wasn’t very good at anything and there is a chance that I was given some tickets by older children who saw me weeping.

    I watched the video in that dark classroom by myself because it was late in the day and everyone else who’d wanted to see it had already done so. Our school was really old and in the winter when they turned on the heat, the pipes knocked, a sound which the teachers assured us was caused by the ghost of the woman the school was named after.

    Perhaps the video for “Thriller” seems quaint and silly now, but alone in that dark room, the distant voices of classmates and parents in the hallways fading as everyone left, I was utterly terrified and completely rapt. To this day when I hear the song, even Vincent Price’s hammy monologue, I get goosebumps and remember the wonderful feeling of being young and believing in that which we cannot see.

    When I left the fair to walk home and looked up and down the mostly empty streets of my little hometown, I know for certain that the world was a strange place.

    • I grew up in Mexico and my parents worked all day. My grandmother would spend part of the day with me, but for the most part I would be left alone in an underdeveloped part of the city or in this old hacienda that was taken from a drug dealer by the bank where my dad worked. We had one of those old satellite dishes that used to show raw satellite feeds from around the world. One day I was watching a Portuguese documentary about ghost while I was by myself. Not knowing Portuguese or anything for that matter, it scared me sick. I went to the bathroom to drop a poo but when I went to flush there was no poo. I was scared for days.

    • I missed you, Mans.

  7. “I would’ve done it less fun.” – Glen Danzig

  8. Seriously, not even joking guys, don’t dance with knives. Okay? Why do I even have to say this? Just don’t do it.

  9. I love this so much. Krispy Kreme is the best. I’m a legitimate, genuine fan of his oeuvre.

  10. I KNEW today was going to be a great day when I woke up, I just didn’t know why until right now. Krispy is back to top form, y’all.

  11. I was genuinely disappointed when I found out the limited edition Krispy Kreme Halloween tshirts were sold out.

  12. This is great, of course, but I DO have one problem with it: Krispy never says in the LYRICS that Mike Meyers was actually James. So if I’m listening on the radio how am I supposed to know what happens to our intrepid heroes? I would be forever wondering why he Meyers took off his mask in the first place.

    I don’t know guys. I just don’t know.

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