“I’ve dated a lot of guys in my day, I mean, OK, that came out weird, I just mean that I’m not some teenager going all googly eyed over my first crush. I’ve had some experience in that arena is all. Sheesh, you really can’t say anything these days without someone giving you a hard time about it. Anyways! I’ve learned in my travels through the universe on Spaceship Earth that all you really need to be happy is someone who genuinely loves you for who you are and can cut through all the noise that our society tries to deafen and blind you with. Right? So, like, if you had asked me 10 years ago, do you think you will ever date a 45-year-old man who calls himself “The Illusion,” has a thick almost parodic surfer accent, who insists on foolishly cutting his own hair with a pair of scissors and makes how-to vlogs for the Internet demonstrating his bowl cut technique in which he says things like “bowl cuts can’t be bought, man,” I would have said, well, no, that doesn’t automatically sound like something that I’m interested in. But here we are, and me and the Illusion are in love, and we date and have sex. He is my man, man.”


In dating, as in life, as in bowl cuts, imperfection is the secret of perfection, man.

Comments (40)
  1. People often call him “The Trick” and he always gets annoyed and has to explain to them that he is not, in fact, something a whore does for money.

  2. Now you are ready to go to the Prince Valiant convention, man

  3. I think I’ve met this guy. #nosarcasmo

    • I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Story, please!”

      • Okay, so my best friend lived on the west side of L.A. and dated a ton of really weird surfer guys before she met her husband… my favorite being one of the guys who would paint your name on a tiny grain of rice on Venice Beach. And I’ve met her for drinks around this time in her life and met some of these guys and their friends of friends… and since I absolutely love conspiracy theory weirdos, she absolutely would have gone out of her way to make sure I met a guy like this because THEY ARE THE BEST. (Seriously, watch his YouTube page.)

        It’s also possible that I met him at a farmer’s market on the west side with her husband when we were in search of vegan tamales and/or weirdos to chat with.

        The biggest and best irony is that she very much has NO PATIENCE for this kind of human but was my #1 source for all of it. I never found them because I stayed on the east side like a normal person, so I was her #1 source for hipster trash that I hate.

        Anyway, yeah. I’m pretty sure I’ve met this dude.

    • Duh, he’s your boyfriend.

    • Watch his <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/hamishpatterson?feature=watch"other stuff!
      Doesn’t own a TV? Check.
      Talks about chemtrails? Check.
      Talks about vibrating through the bullshit? Check.

      I seriously think my friend went on a date with him once or twice.

  4. West coast Karen O.

  5. I’m pretty sure that’s Andy Dick.

  6. He should take the 101 to the 2 and then get off on Santa Monica Boulevard and then take a right on Cahuenga Blvd by the In-N-Out to get to a supercuts cuz that shit is not cool brah.

    • The 2 *is* Santa Monica Boulevard. If he wants to save time, he should just exit at Universal Studios, go over the 101 and eat at Poquito Mas. They have the freshest salsa. Then he should get back on the 101, cross over to the 134, take a right on the 5, get off on Sunset and hit up a place in Echo Park across the street from Del Taco. Or he could just continue down Ventura Boulevard, but, like that’s just my opinion, man.

      • Actually where some of us grew up, the 2 is the Glendale Freeway and/or Angeles Crest Highway. I mean, point taken and all, but let’s try not to be so hurtful and possessive next time.

    • The In-N-Out is on Orange and Sunset. It’s convenient to Cahuenga but it gets too crowded. What he should do is get off the 101 at the 2 and take that to Vine. On Vine he can go right to the new Chipotle at Sunset or he can go left and then left again at Melrose, which will take him to all the Larchmont options. If Larchmont’s his kind of place. Doesn’t have to be.

  7. I can see why you would make this mistake, because they do have similar hair, but THIS is my boyfriend:

  8. It’s really a shame that Malibu Hamish never caught on. Malibu Ken was more accessible, maybe, but he never had the same panache.

    Also, I feel like this is Owen Wilson testing out a new character.

  9. Man, Iggy Pop looks like SHIT.


  11. Oh man, it’s been too long since I sat in my office cheering for a scissors neck stab. That was fun.

  12. I’m made he didnt use an actual bowl

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