[Yesterday, Felix Baumgartner broke numerous world records when he dove to the Earth from an altitude of 128,097 feet. The video of his feat, which was streamed live around the world, is breathtaking, and Mr. Baumgartner will no doubt be swamped with requests for interviews and television appearances for some time. He doesn't have time to talk to Videogum. This interview is fake.]
Videogum: First of all, I cannot thank you enough for taking some time to sit and talk with us. I can only imagine how busy you are right now.
Felix Baumgartner: There’s nowhere else I would rather be. Except maybe up in space. [Laughs.]
VG: Oh man, good one, Felix. You’re not only a record breaking daredevil who provides an inspirational glimpse at the full spectrum of human possibility, you’re also hilarious.
FB: Thank you, man. For you to say that I am funny is the second greatest achievement of my entire life.
VG: You’re totally welcome. You earned it. With your joke. So, I have to ask: what did you think of The Master?
FB: Honestly, I tried not to think about much of anything, and to just focus on my breathing and concentrate on my visualizations of a safe and successful–are we still talking about when I jumped from the edge of space?
VG: No. Paul Thomas Anderson’s most recent movie, The Master. It’s causing quite a stir, with some people saying it’s a modern masterpiece, and others finding it rather shapeless and without teeth. Thoughts?
FB: None. I’ve spent months and months training and preparing for this, I haven’t really been keeping up with pop culture.
VG: What’s the big deal?
FB: Excuse me?
VG: No, sure, train, I get it. But, like, you barely even jumped out of that capsule. You just kind of fell out of it. It’s impressive! I’m not saying it’s not impressive. I’ve never fallen face first out of a space capsule. But, like, you don’t have two and a half hours to watch a buzz movie so that you can take part in the conversation?
FB: Apparently I don’t.
VG: Fair enough. [Laughs.]
FB: [Doesn't laugh.]
VG: What did you think about Obama’s debate performance a couple of weeks ag–
FB: I’ll stop you right there. Even if I hadn’t just leaped from the edge of space in a breath-taking and potentially fatal attempt to expand the boundaries of human capabilities, I’m an Austrian citizen. American politics are of little interest to me.
VG: FIne, Felix, what DO you care about?
FB: I care about my beautiful wife, my supportive family, God, and pursuing my sport to the best of my ability and always striving to exceed what we had previously thought possible.
VG: Your sport.
VG: Falling, excuse me, jumping out of space.
FB: I think the way you’re phrasing it is condescending, rude, and inaccurately reductive.
VG: Phrase it however you want, but is that really a sport? If that’s a sport then is David Blaine an athlete?
FB: Like I said, I’m not caught up with pop cult–
VG: You’re a real brick wall, dude. You’re not giving me anything to work with here.
FB: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that it was my job to conduct your interview for you.
VG: No, your job is to fall out of a balloon for Red Bull.
FB: Excuse me, but what did you accomplish today? What records did you break? How did you face death without blinking? In what way has your existence on this Earth contributed to the triumph and expansion of the human spirit?
FB: That’s what I thought.
VG: No! Give me a second!
FB: One. And that’s time.
VG: Very cute, Felix Baumgartner.
FB: I’ll give you ten minutes, which, incidentally, is more time than it took for my entire jump including the ascension to 128,097 feet.
[10 minutes pass in absolute silence.]
VG: It’s not fair. You had months to train for your thing.
FB: This has been great. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my passion and excitement with your readers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have other interviews to conduct with people who have a modicum of respect for the efforts of their fellow human beings to make the world a better and more interesting place.
VG: Well, Red Bull is disgusting. So.
[Felix Baumgartner has left.]
VG: “I fell out of space, look at me. I’m an energy drink.” Whatever, dude. I could fall out of space at 100,000,000 miles in jeans and a t-shirt, I just don’t feel like it. OK? That’s what I thought.