FULL DISCLOSURE: I watched about the first half of last night’s debate between Vice President Joe Biden and Vide Presidential hopeful Paul Ryan on the elliptical trainer at the gym last night, and then I had to go rejoin the world of the living. Things happen! What are you going to do about it? Institutionalize restrictive and obtuse identity verification practices at polling stations in order to constrict or obstruct my ability to vote? I’m not a minority! But, so: the debate. Actually, last night’s debate featured two moments (in the part of the debate that I saw) that were really interesting. In both cases, yes, you got me Facetaco or Godsauce or whoever is going to give me trouble in the comments, it was Joe Biden giving Paul Ryan a hard time, but I actually think they were interesting moments regardless of the PARTISAN POLITICS. Namely, it was when Paul Ryan tried to claim that the Obama administration had denied requests by the Libyan embassy for security in the run up to the fatal attack that occurred there last month, to which Joe Biden answered that Paul Ryan himself had voted to cut hundreds of millions of dollars from the very same budget line item that would have provided that same security. Later, when the president’s economic stimulus plan came under fire from Ryan, again Joe Biden pointed out that Paul Ryan himself had written Joe Biden letters requesting some of those same economic stimulus funds for his home state of Wisconsin. KABOOM! Here’s the reason those moments were great: because YEAH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LIAR! And here I am using LIAR as the universal signifier for all these dudes. Sure, in this instance it happened to be the dude that I support giving it to the other dude, but really it just illustrated how they are all for real secret best buds and they are all so full of shit. I guess actually when you put it that way it’s very demoralizing and depressing. Just a big gang of primarily white men doing everything they possibly can to obfuscate what they actually do, which is help each other whenever possible, and hinder each other whenever necessary, to harness as much power to themselves as humanly possible. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu BUT SO, YO, WHO WON THE DEATBAEATES?!

Comments (82)
  1. Considering the fact that political debates are boring by default, and that is only increased when it is between Vice Presidential candidates (“Vice President” is the political version of a participation ribbon), I’d say that I won by not watching any of it.

  2. Paul Ryan would like you watching the debates at the gym, he definitely wished he could have been on an elliptical the whole time

  3. “That’s a load of malarky” was the best line of the night. I’m glad someone had the balls to call Romney/Ryan out as liars.

    That said, I could only get through an hour of the debate before my head started to hurt. Biden made great points, but his interruptions were obnoxious after a while. Loved the moderator, she was wonderful.

    Is this really going to change anyone’s mind? I’m not sure what the point of the debates is anymore.

  4. NONE OF THIS MATTERS CAUSE LINDSAY LOHAN IS VOTING ROMNEY SO WHAT’S THE POINT OF THESE DEBATES ANYWAY?!

  5. I won the debates, because I found my onesih (<3 u best Tilda!) true love, badass moderator Martha Raddatz.

    Also, Biden won. If for no other reason that once again the Romney/Ryan ticket is alarmingly unwilling to give details about their policies. I mean, I can run on a platform saying that we will have a robot butler for every kitchen but that does not mean that promise is feasible or would not result in calamitous ruin for the country and also skynet.

    In other words: LBT in 2016! ROBOT BUTLERS FOR EVERYONE!

    • If you ran on a robot butler platform I would vote for you. That is an issue that does not get enough press these days, probably because of all the anti-robot butler corporate lobbying from Big Housecleaning.

      • Agreed – I understand that being wishy-washy about an argument is probably not the best in the politics game… but like, is it seriously insane to think that a politician would just once admit, “Hey – this is my plan. If things go according to plan, I think we can do this. But like ANY OTHER F-ING PLAN THAT HAS EVER BEEN CREATED things have a way of not following the path and not adding up to an ideal outcomes. It’s wild! It’s kind of like guiding a car with no breaks through a crowded shopping mall or some other analogy that is far better. You could do it… but you’ll probably have to change course along the way, hit some shit, hit some peeps, snatch a pretzel from Annie’s Pretzels because you are hungry… etc… and you might on crash the car into Payless but it’s further than Abercrombie.”

        I don’t know what I’m saying… that was some stream of consciousness stuff. I just really hate when any politician says, “we CAN and WILL do this by THIS TIME FRAME and this is exactly what is going to happen and the other side made promises and waaah they didn’t keep them but we will definitely 110% keep every promise we make.” I’d rather them give the plan and say, “this is the ideal scenario. but obviously, due to reality, this might not pan out exactly as we planned.” Is that so hard to say?

        • Just realized that my rant doesn’t seem related to the thread lol – but Ryan’s inability to provide details on his policies reminded me of all the little slogans he was using to say basically, regardless of the details, him and Romney most definitely, no doubt, he’d bet his millions of children on it, will complete the task and get XX results immediately (that’s Dems too though). And I overheard him say after the debate to his wife that yes, the Republican ticket plans to provide Robot Bulters for everyone very soon. Well, cyborg robot butlers created from junk yard scraps and poor people parts.

    • I’m going to slightly disagree with you here (it’s a debate!!). She was much better than Jim Lehrer, I don’t want to go all seriousgum here, but with regard to foreign policy, there are other parts of the world which are “foreign” that aren’t either the Middle East or Afghanistan. Like, say, Europe, or China. Also, I don’t mind a question on abortion, but I honestly think an abortion question in a debate like this should be “why should women give two shits about what a couple of old white dudes think about abortion?” That’s a pipe dream, I realize. Also, the question about tone at the end was really dumb.

      Otherwise, I thought she did a good job.

      • I don’t think we have the luxury to not care what these old white dudes think about abortion though. Even if Roe v Wade is not overturned, abortion rights are being eroded through other legislation (waiting periods, requirements for other people’s consent, etc.). The sad fact is that abortion is becoming more and more difficult for people to access, and as a consequence, people are either forced to keep the pregnancy and give birth or turn to alternative dangerous and illegal methods. I know this is just a rant and I am preachy but dammit it’s important. The law doesn’t mean very much if it’s just propped up by nice words.

        • Oh, I get that. My point is that I wish it wasn’t that way. My point isn’t that it’s not important. My point is that someone ought to ask a couple old rich guys why they think that this is an issue that should be decided by old rich guys.

  6. The whole thing felt like a giant pissing contest, and my friends and I kept switching to the Yankees/Orioles game whenever it got unbearable (we watched quite a lot of the Yankees/Orioles game).

    But from what I saw there were several points where Paul Ryan just straight up said shit that wasn’t true. Also Joe Biden’s addressing the camera directly felt pandering by the 4th or 5th time he did it in a 10 minute span.

    • You must have missed the several times that Paul Ryan stared directly into your soul as he told rehearsed sounding stories about how Romney gives money to crippled car wreck victims and stuff. I don’t think I would have minded a Biden chuckle at that moment…

      • That was the weirdest moment of the night. The line right before that story was “Mitt Romney’s a car guy” and then “the kids of this Massachusetts couple were paralyzed in a horrible automobile accident”
        Vote JG Ballard’s Crash/Atlas Shrugged 2012 or something

      • Holy shit, that moment was SO awkward! Biden mentions the auto bailout and Ryan says, “Romney is a car guy. Speaking of cars, he helped out a family that had two kids paralyzed in a car wreck…”

        Okay, (1) That was the most awkward segue in modern history. How does “Romney is a car guy” lead into that story? That Romney has a hobby of reading about car wrecks? It’s his thing? He was obviously coached about that story and I guess he was trying to fit it in any way he could. “ROMNEY IS A CAR GUY. IF YOU ARE IN A CAR WRECK, HE INVITES YOU TO CHRISTMAS.”

        and

        (2) Everyone knows Biden’s wife and daughter were killed in a car wreck a week before Christmas and a month before he started being a congressman. Where the F do you get off trying to trade car wreck stories? Was the point to try to throw Biden off by making him think about his own tragedy? If so, it both slimy and clumsy.

        • *At a dinner party somewhere*

          Random Guest: So what do you do for fun? I like to paint.
          Other Random Guest: I am really into basketball and play all the time on the weekends.
          Mitt Romney: I always like to read about car wrecks. It’s kinda my thing.

      • The thing that bothered me the most about that story is that (I guess) the intention there was to prove that Romney ‘cares’ about people in need and does want to help out. You know, to challenge the notion that he’s a robot rich-guy bussinessjerk who thinks all poor people should stop asking for handouts and go die in the emergency room and stop whining or whatever. (the context was the whole 47% thing)

        So stop asking for handouts from the government, losers, because obviously, when tragedy happens to your family and you are struggling, all you need to do is call up your ultra-wealthy governor friend and ask him to throw you a Christmas party and make everything OK. NBD, problem solved!

  7. I snorted every time there was a tweet from Paul Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling-eque things really make the world a better place.

  8. As a molecular biologist, Paul Ryan needs to hire a new tailor. He looks like a 14-year old wearing his dad’s suit to a wedding. Maybe Ryan’s suit is a visual metaphor for the Romney/Ryan vision for America? Broad, inflated, impressively grand numbers and statements, but with very little established substance inside to give it form.

    • The whole time I was like, “Take a lesson from Don Draper, chump.”

    • I think a haircut would also help him look less like a 14 year-old.

      • Or using logic and sympathy in his policies… He’s the worst. He’s like a sheltered, spoiled Catholic teenager that never left his comfort zone and is using that insular world to shape ours. Not like, is. I hate him so much. Go fuck yourself, Paul Ryan.

    • I guess I find this comment funny but also kinda nails the problem with our country’s political discourse ACROSS both parties… republicans were (and still are) saying this exact same thing about Obama. (Not about the suits; clearly Obama knows how to wear a suit.) Sometimes I think I’m in an epsiode of the Twilight Zone, and it’s all a big joke and like Romney is going to win and then pull off his face and really he’s Al Gore? Because I really don’t see a big difference between any of these candidates anymore. They’re just all like big stamp presses–sure one’s pressing out little plastic donkeys and the other is pressing out little plastic elephants–but they’re just big ol’ stamp presses.

      Anyway, you see that Nic Cage? Man needs a nap.

  9. Paul Ryan reminds me of this guy:

    But his mission is to kill women’s rights, not John Connor.

  10. I had a debate with myself about whether I should finish the bottle of wine in my refrigerator or just drink a hot toddy or two. Good points were made on both sides, but the wine won out in the end.

  11. Also, I am really glad someone (Martha Raddatz, badass) brought up abortion. To be honest that is not even my biggest concern regarding women’s eroding rights but at least they remembered we exist!

    ALSO ALSO hahahahahaha Biden and Ryan pretty much could not be MORE opposite with regards to issues pertaining to women. It’s like the government’s shoulder angel and devil in split screen.

    • I kind of get/really like Biden for last night, and for the last four years. His closing statement was that essentially, gaffes and all, he means what he says. So what that he wasn’t supposed to express his support for gay marriage rights because Obama should be the first to go on record. So what that he has botox in his old man face. He’s a firecracker that stands behind his statements (OF EQUALITY!) and I salute that!

      Also, when he said that although his faith and his church believe that life begins at conception, he does not find it appropriate to bring that to policy. Where Ryan, the meathead, wants to only allow abortions for cases “rape, incest, and health of the mother” which FINE! I GET IT! But what if she’s 13 years-old! Your policy can’t have all these restrictions! Dummy!

      • What makes me sad is that Ryan was remarkably liberal last night. He usually touts NO ABORTIONS EVER EVEN IF YOU ARE RAPED BY YOUR UNCLE AND THE BABY IS ACTUALLY A BOMB THAT WILL BLOW UP IF YOU GO SLOWER THAN 55 MPH. IT’S A BEAN!

        • Right after he told the story about the “Bean” nickname, someone tweeted that Biden nicknamed his unborn child “Cletus the Fetus” and I just fell over laughing.

    • At risk of opening a giant can of worms, I really reeeeeaaallllyyy hated what Paul Ryan had to say about abortion. The whole its illegal except in these situations is such an overly idealistic and completely inefficient and unenforceable policy, but I can just see so many people acting like they are morally superior because they agree with him. Like how can you pick and choose when its allowed and when it isnt? How would the government be able to quickly and efficiently determine whether or not the woman was raped, given how difficult it already is for a woman to prove that in court? Its like saying I believe in free money for everyone, but I am not going to tell you how that is going to actually happen without destroying the economy.

      • Oh I agree with all of this. Especially re: rape exception. Do they need a police report? Do they understand that rape is massively underreported for a myriad of reasons that no one should judge? Would marital rape count? Do they need a conviction? Also, I have seen more and more stories about rapists suing for paternity rights for children born from rape. I am terrified that down the line, the rapist would be able to interfere with the woman’s rights (esp. with all the proposed legislation requiring male consent which I am fuzzy on and not looking up right now lest I die with hate). As for the incest clause, will they require genetic testing before the pregnant person can have the procedure? Also, W/R/T health of the mother, will that ease restrictions on late term abortions?

        It’s just so much bullshit between the pregnant person and the legal medical procedure they want/need/whatever reason they are seeking it.

        tl;dr: Fucksticks.

      • Yeah! (I’m actually cheering reading your responses. Co-workers, get off my lawn!!!)

        I was just thinking that, if the policy of abortions only allowed in the case of incest or rape were passed, that would mean that the victim of a rape or incest crime would (and I assume this is how it’ll be handled) have to report it if, say, it turns out she’s pregnant. But as most rapes and cases of incest are never reported, and when those that cannot report it for whatever reason become pregnant, then they are screwed over by the (I HOPE TO GOODNESS THIS IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!) new system.

        TO SHORTEN THIS: Ryan’s notion that abortions will be allowed for very specific reasons is never EVER going to work. And it’s scary that a candidate’s running mate is this insistent on this issue. Let it go, you 14-year-old Frat boy!

        • Yeah Ryan doesn’t want any exceptions in the first place… so when they make exceptions to get elected and those exceptions don’t pan out and this huge gray area erupts, they can just slip on in and say, “look at this mess! look at all these court cases where the girl wasn’t related to the uncle and this other girl lied and this other girl wasn’t raped on and on… oh the babies” and that’s when they’ll strike and do a blanket law… illegalizing ALL abortions. Quelling all the “issues” and removing the gray areas.

          I have hope that this will never ever happen and yes, it’s alarmist. But if anything even comes close, it scares me and any girls I might one day have.

          • I’m not pro-lifer, but if your reason for being pro-life is that you believe “life begins at conception”, then how can you then go make exceptions to that? Does life not happen in the cases of rape or incest? Your exceptions contradict your whole reasoning.

          • I’m not pro-lifer, but if your reason for being pro-life is that you believe “life begins at conception”, then how can you then go make exceptions to that? Does life not happen in the cases of rape or incest? Your exceptions contradict your whole reasoning.

          • I’m not pro-lifer, but if your reason for being pro-life is that you believe “life begins at conception”, then how can you then go make exceptions to that? Does life not happen in the cases of rape or incest? Your exceptions contradict your whole reasoning.

          • sorry bout the repeat post, it wasn’t my fault!

  12. I drank every time I screamed “go fuck yourself Paul Ryan.” So, needless to say, could we all keep it down a bit?

  13. I thought it was very good, actually on an entertaining level… and terrifying level. When they were both asked about religion and abortion, and Paul Ryan gave his answer, I seriously felt my heart race and my skin crawl. Like – this guys and his ass backward viewpoints are simply terrifying. I mean, I’m SURE half of the kids that jumped up on stage after the debate were adopted, because if they weren’t he’d be a complete hypocrite… so for sure, 80% of them are adopted but really? Can this guy honestly say that Obama is attacking religious freedoms when this guy, if he had his own choice, would force his religious viewpoint on an entire gender, illegallizing abortions completely? Aaaaaaahhhh! I don’t want to start any S on this forum but it really really really infinity “reallys” bugged me and scared me.

    • That and, I’m starting to think that Romney and Ryan aren’t being specific about some of their policies/proposed changes because they are actually plots to do a great deal of harm. Say, for instance, Robot-controlled Apocalypses.

      • F balls. I was looking forward to a Puppy-controlled Apocalypse. These guys have to ruin everything.

        I agree – I think that they think their ideas are in the best interest of everyone… but we are too stupid and weak and co-dependent to embrace them right now. Like we are crack addicts or something and they need to make a story up to get us to the rehabilitation, and once we are in there, trapped, they’ll let us know what our new lives are going to be like. What’s “best” for us.

        “It’s a trap!”
        -Admiral Ackbar

  14. I know who didn’t win the debate-me. I was looking forward to a new parks and rec all week and got this instead. BOO POLITICS!

  15. I like how in these debates the Democrats where blue ties and the Repbulicans wear red ties. Helps me keep them straight, you know?

  16. Inappropriate smiling and laughing aside (although did we really expect anything less?), I felt that Joe Biden really dominated that debate. He effectively shut Ryan down on several occasions and came across as a more experienced and knowledgeable politician. Sure a couple of his facts were a little off, but ultimately the debates tend to be about charisma and personality. Most decided voters don’t even bother watching them because they either do their own research and already have the facts going into the thing or they are people who always vote for their party regardless of the issues. The abortion portion (LOL – Don’t get any ideas McDonald’s) of the debate was very concerning. I appreciated that Biden stated that although he backs up his church’s position on the issue, it is not his place to impose that on to people who don’t share the same beliefs. Ryan clearly stated that he can not separate his faith from his job (right? did he say that? that’s what I gathered…) Ultimately, Joe Biden came across as my wisecracking, no-nonsense grandpa and I liked it. Ryan held up ok, but came across as a little uncomfortable. Did anyone else notice how much water he drank? I kept worrying that he’d pee his pants!

    • Ryan needs to watch Kennedy’s speech about separating your faith from your job. Actually, everyone needs to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDP4qrA8hvg

    • Ryan actually straight up said something along the lines of “I do not separate my faith from the rest of my life, including my job.” I yelled at the tv when he said that. If this country weren’t so full of stupid, religously self righteous assholes, that right there should have ended the debate. That statement was a blatant disregard for one of the core tenets of the entire legal and governmental framework of this country, and even if you don’t agree with it personally you should at least be able to respect why its existence is extremely important. Which is why I also have a lot of respect for Biden basically saying “I don’t personally agree with abortion due to my religious beliefs, but it is far from my place to decide what the entire country should believe.”

  17. i listened to it on the radio while i drank beer and worked on my halloween costume. my problem is that paul ryan just kept saying that they would do things like get growth going to 4% per year, and employ 12 million people- and like, a. how because b. for the government to do that you would need direct government intervention in the employment market and c. since you’re against that i’m assuming you’re reinstating child slavery with d. all of the babies you are personally save from abortion.

  18. My favorite shit from twitter: “Biden’s teeth are so white they’re voting for Romney”

    and

    “Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on because Joe Biden can strike at anytime.”

  19. I don’t trust anyone with a widow’s peak…

  20. stan sitwell’s edgar winter hair is looking pretty good from the back

  21. It was fun until Biden went from “this is ridiculous!” laughing to “this is ridiculous.” anger.

  22. Paul Ryan is this guy.

    and his robotic, all-too-rehearsed sighs-as-pauses were fucking CREEPY.

    and goddammit do I love Joe Biden. hilarious. intelligent. ballsy. and sincere.

  23. My 8 year-old won the debate because 15 or 20 minutes in there was this exchange:

    8yo, to Mom: Is Ryan the dark haired one on the right and Biden the white-haired one on the left?
    Mom: Yes, that’s right, good job.
    8yo: I thought so, because most times the dark-haired one talks, Dad starts yelling “What?? Bullshit!!” and the white-haired guy starts smiling, then Dad and the white-haired guy start laughing at the same time. So i thought that must be Joe Biden with the white hair.

  24. Last night I watched one of the lesser-known Muppets argue with Jim Henson.

  25. Paul Ryan looks like Ellen Degeneres.

  26. Alex Lane  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2012 +10

    the question about how their catholic faith informed them was ridiculous, you will find nowhere else in the world, except the middle east, that still tie religion and state. We do not do this in Canada, I think it is very backwards to continue to do so in the U.S., democracy, not theocracy.

    • Yeah, tell that to roughly half of our country that thinks Jesus wrote the constitution. The same people that are appalled by things like Sharia Law and clerics running countries in the middle east have absolutely zero problem with “Christian Law” here and completely fail to see the irony there. It’s amazing, really.

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