Gabe: hello, kelly
Kelly: You seem pretty calm
Kelly: Clearly you must’ve have heard about what’s going on
Gabe: i have no idea what you are talking about
Gabe: my day has been a mess
Gabe: i haven’t even caught up with richkidsofinstagram
Gabe: or the dadsonvacation tumblr
Gabe: what a nightmare
Kelly: Oh wow
Kelly: I’m sorry, I don’t want to pry or anything, but I do hope whatever’s going on with you gets resolved soon or you feel better or whatever applies
Gabe: thank you for your blanket sympathies
Gabe: they are generally appreciated
Gabe: now, catch me up
Gabe: what have i missed
Kelly: Well, it all started when Tom Hanks’ youngest son, Truman, started a Reddit AMA last night
Gabe: Trout Haze
Kelly: Yes exactly
Gabe: i’m not even entirely clear on what an AMA is
Gabe: or who they are for
Gabe: but even i know
Gabe: that an AMA with Truman Hanks
Gabe: is probably lame
Gabe: “Uh, do you go on vacation a lot sometimes?”
Gabe: what would you ask him?
Gabe: what could you possibly want to know?
Kelly: “Do you ever worry about anything?”
Kelly: That’s what I would ask
Gabe: “what is your favorite food that the private chef makes?”
Kelly: “How comfortable is your bed?”
Gabe: “who is your Turtle?”
Kelly: Anyway, yes, it seems like the AMA was going exactly as boringly as you’d expect, UNTIL
Kelly: T. Hanks got a question about Chet Haze, to which a user under the name of chethaze responded, “Love you bro”
Gabe: the Johnny Drama of the family
Kelly: hahah exactly
Kelly: And then someone noticed that this chethaze user — WHOEVER HE IS — posts a lot in response to girls in the sex section of reddit or whatever
Gabe: as do we all
Kelly: Right, he is a human
Kelly: But so he then posted somewhere asking how to delete old posts and then tweeted saying that it was not really him and then the whole user profile was deleted or something
Gabe: so it was a chet haze imposter on reddit
Gabe: claims chet haze
Kelly: Yes, that’s what Chet Haze claims
Gabe: THE PERFECT CRIME
Gabe: the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was creating a chethaze account on reddit
Kelly: Step one spend months cultivating a perfect Chet Haze parody reddit account
Kelly: Step two delete it immediately once anyone notices
Kelly: Step three relax, you’ve earned it
Gabe: it’s not impossible for someone to create a fake chet haze account on reddit, but what for?
Gabe: to tell some naked girls that they should call the real chet haze if they are ever in chicago?
Gabe: seems like a lot of work
Gabe: as a general rule
Gabe: when people create fake accounts on the internet
Gabe: it is to start trouble
Gabe: not to casually impersonate the person with stunningly believable accuracy in an unimposing way on obscure message boards
Kelly: Haha right
Gabe: at the very least you usually want attention of some sort
Gabe: you don’t delete the account
Gabe: the second someone discovers it exists
Kelly: To be fair, though, if I did maintain a “chethaze” account and really wanted people to believe it was Chet Haze
Kelly: For whatever reason
Kelly: I probably WOULD delete it as soon as it was found
Kelly: to make it look even more like it WAS the real Chet Haze
Kelly: That would be the best move, I think. A pretty solid move.
Gabe: you are a master of disguise
Gabe: i have always said that about you
Kelly: You aren’t wrong
Kelly: But yeah no I’m sure it was just Chet Haze’s real account
Gabe: what is he so worried about?
Gabe: he already calls himself CHET HAZE
Kelly: We already know he likes a nude female body
Gabe: he purports to be a rapper
Gabe: a handful of comments on reddit
Gabe: are the least embarrassing thing about him
Gabe: and even if it wasn’t him
Gabe: which it was
Gabe: somehow working so hard to deny it
Gabe: is even worse
Gabe: because also WHO CARES, MAN?!
Kelly: Yeah really
Kelly: Those seven quotes he chose for his 8th grade yearbook were much more damning
Kelly: Why isn’t he denying those
Gabe: i can understand not liking that someone is pretending to be you
Gabe: and writing things you didn’t write
Gabe: i have experienced something like this before
Gabe: because Chet Haze and I are equally famous
Gabe: (neither of us is famous)
Gabe: but in this particular case
Gabe: THE PERSON DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING!
Gabe: i guess he did tell one woman that he would fill her vagina up to the brim with semen after her husband was done pounding it
Gabe: BUT THAT’S JUST CALLED HAVING FUN
Kelly: He also asked another one if getting her butt waxed hurt
Kelly: Which is maybe something he doesn’t want to seem ignorant of
Kelly: But yeah otherwise it’s just
Kelly: “you’re hott I’m in chicago”
Gabe: it’s a very common question
Kelly: IT’S A FINE, CHET, SEE?
Gabe: we are all human beings here
Gabe: ALSO ANSWER THE QUESTION: DOES IT HURT?
Gabe: but seriously
Gabe: methinks the hazey doth protest too much
Gabe: (GOOD ONE GABE!)
Gabe: (VERY VERY GOOD ONE!)
Gabe: (YOU ARE THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD!)
Kelly: “I NEVER FRIENDLY CHATTED TODAY” – @gabe
Gabe: “Sorry to disappoint”
Gabe: that’s my favorite
Gabe: who’s disappointed?
Gabe: no one even knows what you are talking about
Gabe: “it wasn’t me!”
Gabe: “what wasn’t you?”
Gabe: “the thing on the Internet!”
Gabe: “what thing on the Internet?”
Gabe: “the guy on reddit”
Gabe: “jesus, are you still talking about that? let it go!”
Kelly: “I specifically never said the thing about liking the one’s girl’s butt.”
Gabe: well, i just hope the Internet Police catch this crook
Kelly: Me too.
Gabe: put him behind eBars
Gabe: e-Xocute him!
Gabe: get it?
Gabe: he should be e-Xocuted!
Gabe: dot com!
Gabe: OH NO I HAVE BEEN HACKED
Gabe: SOMEONE IS MAKING TERRIBLE JOKES ON MY CHAT
Gabe: KELLY, PLEASE DISREGARD ENTIRE CHAT
Gabe: WAS NOT ME WAS HACKER
Gabe: SORRY 2 DISAPPOINT
Kelly: WILL THESE HORRIBLE CROOKS NEVER STOP?!
Gabe: IS NO ONE SAFE? I AM NOT SAFE, WHO IS THIS? PLEASE GET OFF MY CHAT! YOU GET OFF THE CHAT, THIS IS MY CHAT! SERIOUSLY, IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. I AGREE. STOP IT. YOU STOP IT. KELLY, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME, HE’S THE CROOK THIS IS THE REAL ME! KELLY YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE *ME* I AM THE REAL ME, HE WAS LYING THE WHOLE TIME. SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM!
Gabe has disconnected