“Here I am, just minding my own business as we all do as I head to work and/or the store or whatever. Maybe I have my headphones on so that I can listen to some music during my commute. That always makes the time go by a little bit faster and it also quiets some of my over-active thinking. Hey, there seems to be quite a crowd forming up ahead, I wonder what all of the commotion is about. I’m a curious person, and I’m always excited when the dull conformity of the quotidian experience is broken up by a novel and unexpected experience, so I will go over and see what is happening. Boy, there sure are a lot of people all screaming and frothing like a bunch of animals, whatever could they be so excited about? Oh my goodness! That’s Jay-Z! (Or another celebrity!) I enjoy his work very much! (Or I don’t enjoy his/her work at all, but I do still recognize him/her because he/she is famous!) I wish there was a way for me to convey to him the excitement that I feel at seeing someone famous, as well as the way in which seeing someone famous makes me feel like I, too, am special and that my life is not simply a grinding and exhausting experience in futility interspersed with far too rare moments of genuine joy. But, of course, he is a human being, and not only that, but a human being who I enjoy and respect, as previously mentioned, and therefore the only way that I could properly and adequately express all of these emotions that I have is to sit down with him one on one, maybe over a glass of wine or a cup of good coffee, and just explain to him all of these emotions welling up inside of me. Let me first just make eye contact with him and see if our eye contact inspires him to invite me over to his home for an hour or so of mutual appreciation. Hmm, he doesn’t seem to be making a lot of eye contact with people. I totally understand, this whole situation is very overwhelming. I cannot even imagine what it must be like to not be able to leave the house without being thronged by mobs of admirers with little to no self-control. It seems great to someone like me, who lives such an ordinary life, to be so rich and beloved, but perhaps if I were to imagine this as a constant then I could start to see how it is truly alienating, claustrophobic, and insufferable, and an almost unbearable psychological strain and if you think about this for long enough it becomes an almost intolerable idea to add yourself to that overwhelming, entitled, deafening and aggressive cacophony. Well, OK, but it looks like coffee and/or a glass of wine is out of the question, at least on this particular interaction. And yet, I am still completely overwhelmed by my need and desire to connect with this man and transmute some degree of my internal chaos. So, you know what? Fuck it. I’m just going to shriek in his fucking face.”

Examining the Thought Process Behind Jay-Z Deciding to Take the Subway: “I’m about to make a huge mistake!” (Via Gawker.)

Comments (34)
  1. Gotta say, I’m relieved; when I read this post, I was sure this was a video of me screaming at a random black guy on the subway that I incorrectly assumed to be Jay-Z.

  2. “I got 99 problems, but a screaming Gabe ain’t one” – Jay-Z

  3. Jay-Z rides the subway just like us, with security and bodyguards and tries to avoid eye contact, well that last one is like us at least

  4. This might not be the first time I’ve told this story here, but it’s the best story and it’s appropriate so bear with me.

    I used to work at a guitar store, and Pete Wentz [the bassist of a band called Fall Out Boy (ask your parents)] was due for a signing session of his signature bass around 3PM. Starting at about 10AM groups of 12 year old girls and their parents starting lining up. By 3, the line was around the block. Anyway, he shows up and they all start shrieking and freaking the eff out. He gets settled and they start to bring the little girls in. Maybe the 10th or 11th girl gets to the table and starts quivering and shaking with the emotions of it all. She was so excited that she farted really loudly, then immediately burst into tears and ran away. It was maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

    • About 10 years ago I was sitting in the Rock N Roll McDonalds and I saw Jay-Z getting out of the drive thru, stuffing a handful of fries into his mouth all at once. I did not scream but I did questions my sanity.

    • I once say Jay-Z coming out of a McDonald’s drive thru and stuffing his mouth with a big handful of fries. I didn’t scream but I did post this on public so maybe not that different.

    • That is not the best story ever. That is the 3rd best story ever. The 2nd best story ever is when Old Man Fatima dated a rapist. The best is when I accidentally got a girlfriend and went to train jail in the same day.

    • I think we all have a farting in front of Pete Wentz moment in life that we never get over.Or maybe just me and that girl.

  5. I don’t know if you guys have ever had McClure’s Pickles, but they’re the best pickles ever. I took a pickling class with Bob McClure and afterwords I went up to him and was like, “uhhhthankyousomuchyourpicklesarethebest” then I shook his hand while my face turned beet red and then I turned and walked away quickly. I’ve met “famous” people (brag) and been relatively normal, but I freaked out when I met a guy who makes pickles. I guess what I’m saying is you never really know how you’ll act until the moment arrives.

    • Better than Bubbies???!?

      • Yes. The “best ever” designation is an actual “best ever” in the sense that they really are the best pickles I’ve ever had.

        • They are, indeed, the best pickles ever. You were right to freak out over meeting the maker of such a good product.

          In other news, I still can’t believe I’m totally ok with spending $11 on a jar of pickles.

  6. More like Public TransporJaytion, am I right?

  7. Does this work???

  8. My best “seeing a celebrity IRL moment” was when I was waiting in line at a Joanna Newsom concert, and Andy Samberg got out of a cab carrying a Chipotle bag and headed into the venue. Everybody in line was completely silent until he was gone, at which point they all started talking shit about how he wasn’t good enough for her. It was creepy but also somewhat hilarious.

  9. TRUE STORY: I saw Eric Neis from MTV’s The Real World and The Grind at this very subway station.

  10. I’d never scream at Jay Z, but let me tell you that I would scream my lungs out if I saw Katherine Chloe Cahoons strolling down the street.

  11. looks like THEY crazy for this one, Jay.

  12. yo what the fuck. i cant watch the video!!

  13. one of the suggested videos was amazing and probably deserves further consideration

  14. I once saw Denise Austin in a jewelry store in Old Town Alexandria, VA and I asked her to sign my Idaho potato and sports bra, which I just happened to have with me at all times in case I ever saw Denise Austin in a jewelry store in Old Town Alexandria, VA.

    Parts of this story are true.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.