hippos

We’re at a point in our collective lives, I think, where we can be adults about turning board games into movies. The Ouija Board movie is probably going to come out at some point, for instance, and there is no doubt that that is going to be great and perfect, so why not just turn them all into movies? Whatever. We’re all dying soon, who even cares what movies exist. And on top of that, it’s Friday! Who cares about anything! So here: A Hungry Hungry Hippos movie is going to be made even though that game is about marbles being caught under cups, basically. From the LA Times:

Hasbro, the company behind the hits “Transformers” and “G.I. Joe” and the flop “Battleship,” has signed a deal with independent production and finance company Emmett/Furla Films to make movies based on the board games Hungry Hungry Hippos and Monopoly and the toy Action Man.

“Action Man,” they say, as if anyone has ever heard of the toy Action Man at all ever in their entire lives.

Rhode Island-headquartered Hasbro, which has a film production office at the Universal Pictures lot, announced the three-picture deal Thursday and confirmed that the first movie will be “Monopoly,” which the two companies hope to start production on in 2013. Emmett/Furla principal Randall Emmett confirmed that the other two properties covered by the deal are Action Man and Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Hungry Hungry Hippos, which debuted in 1978, is a game in which players compete with plastic hippos to swallow marbles off of a board. Emmett/Furla plans to make it into an animated movie for children.

“For children,” they say, as if we won’t ALL want to see it. But, like we’ve already noted, this game doesn’t have a plot already! It has nothing! So it’s fun to imagine what sorts of things these hungry hippos are going to get themselves into. Like:

  • Hungry Hippos are so hungry that they resort to begging. They quickly learn how little empathy strangers have. Though they did not want to drag their children into this, showing them how horrible the world could be at such a young age, they think people will be more generous if they see the hippos with their children. People are, but only slightly.
  • Hungry Hippos are always like, “Ugh, marbles AGAIN?”
  • Hungry Hippos are astronauts and they travel to space and once they get to space they find this race of weird beings that turn out to be, what do you know, HUMANS! And, wait, hippos can’t talk on this planet?! Then you find out the HHH came from a planet other than Earth, which is why they could talk and travel to space.
  • The Hippos are all loosely connected somehow and they each get to tell their own stories about themselves and the city the live in and the things they love.
  • Hungry Hungry Hippos are a band on the verge of success — but is that what they want?

I LOVE ALL OF THESE IDEAS! I can’t wait for this moovvieee!

Comments (29)
  1. Action Man is the British spin-off of GI Joe. So they’re making the exact same movie except with accents.

    • I don’t think it was even a spin-off — I think it was literally a different name on the box. I went to America for six weeks and it was very confusing; and then I returned with a slight accent and everyone thought it was funny, so THANKS America, but also I learned this really interesting fact about GI Joe and Action Man.

      • It’s an argument my wife and I have often. He’s GI Joe, damnit! We also argue about which battery company is represented by a pink rabbit (in Europe they think it’s Duracell).

  2. This REALLY sounds like a good opportunity to explore class warfare and the sociopolitical ramifications of what happens when 10% of the hippos get to eat 90% of the marbles.

  3. I hope at least one of the Hippos is a young female detective in LA.

  4. Hungry Hungry Hippos battle childhood obesity and end the movie as Happy Happy Hippos.

  5. You know what would legitimately be a great movie? One based on the fake, knock-off toys you can buy in Eastern Europe. Some of those were great, and I would LOVE to see a live-action Spiderman film that explains why he comes with both a gun and a sword. Maybe they could do a crossover and have him wearing one of the Rdlex watches that were being sold a few booths over.

  6. There is a lottery system where young hungry hungry hippos from different colored districts have to go into a hungry hungry hippo battle arena and fight other young hungry hungry hippos in order to survive! And the winner gets all the marbles for his or her district for the year. And it is called Hungry Hungry Hippo Games.

    • I hope the effects are better in the sequel, I could barely tell they were supposed to BE hippos.Apart from Toby Jones, but that was all in his performance.

  7. I just thought it was an animated remake of Hunger

  8. Why does it have to be animated? The powerful hippo protection lobby ruins everything.

  9. There are only three hungry hungry hippos, because nobody’s sister is around to be the pink one.

  10. not sure about plot, but the Hippos definitely Razor Scooter.

  11. The Hippos are hungry for fame and there’s a dance competition where the winner gets to go on the Miley Cyrus show (is that a thing in real life or only on SNL?), but their practice space is in danger of being shut down by Big Business and the competition is fierce!

  12. According to Hippo scientists, the universe is composed of both marbles and antimarbles. If the Magical Land of the Hippos continues to consume marbles at its current frenetic pace, the imbalance between the two will cause a fundamental shift in the nature of matter, making reality itself unstable and inhospitable for the Hippos. The Hippo scientists broadcast their findings and, for once, the Hippos listen. They start going to the gym and doing yoga and meditating, stuff like that, trying to get in touch with the true core of their Hipponess rather than distracting themselves from themselves with endless, mindless consumption. But since the marble market is in ruins, other sectors of the economy have to take up the slack. Advertisers quickly realize that they can exploit the sublimated yearning of the Hippos for marbles to sell other products. So marbles start cropping up more and more in sexier and sexier advertising campaigns until no matter where they look the Hippos are reminded of the marble-shaped hollow in their souls. An orgy of consumption ensues and, just as the scientists had warned, an antimarble vortex forms and begins to devour the Magical Land of the Hippos.

    Human scientists become aware of a spatial-temporal rift in Malawi. They send probes through the nebulous dimensional doorway – which appears to be resolving into the shape of a hippo’s chomping maw – and witness the final decline of Hippo civilization. But the Hippo’s Mouth keeps widening. “It’s like looking into the beating heart of hell,” one of the more melodramatic scientists says. So they decide to nuke it. That seems to work.

    For the last image of the movie, the camera slowly zooms in on the rubble at Hippo-universe ground-zero and watches a pink Hippo hoof breaking free of the rubble. Is this meant as a sign of hope, that at least one of the Hippos has been spared? Can the Hippos learn from their past mistakes? Or is the cycle doomed to repeat itself from now until the end of time? We the audience are left to ponder these difficult questions.

    Hungry Hungry Hippos: An Inconvenient Truth. Nobel Peace Prize, please.

  13. Hungry Hungry Mother Fuckers

  14. Here’s my elevator pitch: My Dinner with Andre, plus hippos, plus marbles, minus talking.

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