If you’ve been paying any attention to the important things happening in the world around you over the past couple of weeks, then you know that Amanda Bynes has been hitting just about every other car with her car and then blazing fat blunts. This week her car was impounded! By a judge! He was like, “Enough! Legally, enough.” It didn’t seem like a day could go by without there being some news story in which Amanda Bynes, once considered to be a prime candidate for Mitt Romney’s running mate in the 2012 election (that last part may or may not be true), was having some car trouble. Well, guess what, in reckless car accident fashion, one day you are in and the next day you are Lindsay Lohan. From Gawker:

A law enforcement source told the New York Daily News Lindsay was “driving in this freight area, going very slow,” while attempting to shoo people out of her way by “hitting her horn.” One man in his 30s didn’t get out of Lindsay’s way fast enough, and was hit in the knee. “He runs up to her, tells her she hit him,” the police source said. “They get out of the car, there’s some interaction with her, her entourage and the guy.”

TMZ says Lindsay and her crew continued on their way into the hotel while the victim phoned the cops. She was subsequently arrested on her way out for leaving the scene of an accident — a misdemeanor. Lindsay was booked and quickly released with a desk appearance ticket. Meanwhile, the victim was taken to the hospital to be treated for a very minor injury.

Oh brother. THESE LADIIIIIIES! They love driving so much, it’s nuts. “Lindsay/Amanda, you have had a couple of unfortunate run-ins with the law over the past couple of years. One thing I was thinking was that maybe you should just hire someone to drive you around. You can absolutely afford it, and that way you’re not sitting at the wheel of a 40,000 pound DEATH MACHINE at a moment when you seem particularly high strung and incapable of making rational decisions.” “GIVE ME THE KEYS TO THE CAR I HAVE TO DRIVE THIS CAR!” Can we please just put the two of them into a demolition derby ring and sell tickets and put it on Pay-Per-View and give me a couple of million dollars because it was my idea and it’s a great idea? Thanks. Bye.

Comments (47)
  1. Lindsay can’t afford a driver; you can’t believe everything you read in Forbes.

  2. So talking about driving. I was on the phone with my mom the other day and they’re gonna give my dad a license which I don’t think is a good idea because he really can’t walk and his legs just sort of don’t work a lot of the time. Her response: “Well, they gave my friend a license and she falls asleep at the wheel all the time from all the medicines she’s on” very matter of factly.

    • UUUUGGGHHHHH. I hate everything about this. On my 23rd birthday I was hit by a truck driven by an 87 year old man who had already lost his license a few times because he kept hitting people. I almost lost my leg and now it’s full of metal and plastic and other peoples’ bones and arthritis and I can’t go running or cycling or dancing and I’m in pain all the time and will need more surgeries in the future.And he only hit me because he swerved onto the sidewalk to avoid hitting an old lady crossing the street (he ran the light) whom he most certainly would have killed. A week after I returned to work my co-worker was complaining about how they’d have to take her 94 year old mom to another town to take her drivers’ test because she’d already failed here too many times.

      On the one hand, I get that being at the end of your life and losing the last shred of mobility and independence you have can be really horribly soul-destroying. But so is getting the rest of your life fucked up at the age of 23 because someone who should NOT have been driving was behind the wheel because someone else felt sorry for them.

      • That is an awful story and definitely the most awkward I’ve ever felt upvoting a comment.

      • I know exactly what you’re saying. A couple of years ago I was run over by an old lady is a pick up truck and needed hip replacement and all kids of surgery and stuff. I was 18 and now I don’t walk very well and I used to train in BJJ and now it’s so hard for me, mainly because I limp and also I gained 25 pounds in the time I was stuck in a wheelchair.
        And basically NOTHING happened to the woman. Except she tried to sue ME for “traumatizing” her to the point where she was afraid of driving.

        • Yikes again! I know it was a typo, but the scariest part is “an old lady is a pick up truck.” That’s a pretty dark My Mother the Car reboot right there.

      • I legitimately believe that you should have to take a second drivers test when you hit like 70 or something, and if you fail, you are not allowed to drive anymore. I feel like people who are too old to drive are just as dangerous as careless teenagers.

      • Yikes! On the plus side, you’re totally entitled to be a cranky, but lovable, crank. Like House M.D.

      • Ah! Fatima and Polterjane that is very upsetting! I am so sorry!

        My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and a few years ago, before her symptoms were too obvious, she kept locking her keys in her car or leaving them places. My mom and aunt kept talking about taking her car from her, but didn’t know if it was the right time. One day my grandmother called my aunt completely lost. It turned out she was in a super sketch part of town. That same day, my mom drove up there and they took the keys right then and there. It was a huge ordeal. My grandmother fought it tooth and nail and it got super ugly, but they took them. Thank God, because not long after that she started packing for trips she wasn’t taking and putting her toaster in the dirty clothes hamper. We’re very lucky they took them when they did and she didn’t get hurt or hurt anybody else. So what I’m saying is, if there is an elderly person in your life who you don’t think should be driving, DEFINITELY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

      • I agree with you! I am so sorry and yes like R2D2 the most awkward I felt after an upvote. I told my mom this is crazy and I get losing your independence is hard, but it’s not worth the lives of others. For the record – I do NOT approve of any of these elderly shannanigans!

  3. I legitimately feel bad ragging on Amanda Bynes since all of the stories from the past few weeks strongly suggest some underlying issue, whether it is an addiction issue, a mental health issue, or self-treatment of mental health issues through use of substances. :(

    Lilo on the other hand just makes me drink all the haterade. Lindsay, stop driving! You are not good at driving at all. I mean, you are very good at crashing into things, but that is not actually the same.

  4. More like Amanda Fines and Lindsay…Reckless.

  5. Honestly racking my brain here trying to figure out a way to get hit in the knee (and only the knee) that doesn’t involve running TOWARDS the car.

    • Bumpers of big vehicles like SUVs are perfectly at knee height.

      • Yes, but if that’s the ONLY part that was hit, then that means the knee had to be the closest body part to said bumper, which would only happen if they were headed TOWARDS the car.

        • Turning in surprise? Probably he put his hands out as well and fell over the car, but the bumper hit his knee.
          Also, I would consider “knee” to mean side of the leg at knee level as well.
          Also-also, Gawker is probably generalizing and his injury is generally in the lower-body area, as NFL DLs are wont to say.

          • It also says she was moving very slowly, so turning in surprise would have been a bit silly. I’m no Lindsay apologist, but I’m thinking this sounds like a case of someone trying to get a lawsuit out of a known easy target.

        • I was kind of thinking the same thing. First off, I’m not saying Lindsay isn’t at fault. Clearly, she should not be driving. (And why would she be driving in the middle of the night in New York, anyway? She must love driving SO MUCH!!!) BUT, the guy in his 30s who didn’t get out of the way quick enough and was treated at the hospital for “a very minor injury” seems like a piece of work, too. If it’s a such a “very minor injury” she must of been going very slowly.

          He better call Saul!

        • Nope. The bumper of the car sticks out. So if you’re hit by a car, it’s most likely going to be the bumper that gets you, unless it has enough fore to flip you over the hood. When I was hit (see above) my knee was the bit that really took all the force, the rest of the injuries were from getting thrown and fractures in the leg due to the force of the impact on my knee. The only part of me that was hit by the car at all was my knee.

          • It’s hard to make jokes when you and gimp leg keep butting in.

          • In most pedestrian car accident-related injuries, there are three distinct impacts. The first is between the lower leg and the bumper. This is immediately followed by contact between the thigh area and the upper edge of the hood. These impacts cause rotation of the upper body, resulting in another impact between the head/shoulders and the hood/windshield region. At low speeds, the pedestrian remains on the hood. Meaning there should have been some other part that suffered some sort of injury unless there was foul play afoot or she was moving VERY slowly, in which case it was his own fault for not moving.

            I am ALL ready to get 12 Angry Men all up in this joint!

        • There had to have been a second driver! From behind the picket fence on the grassy knoll…
          But who was it? Who had the motive?

  6. You ever see those guys riding a bicycle with a 24 pack of Coors Light because they have too many DUIs? Basically, I want to see these two assholes on a tandem bike

    • Yes, I live on a designated bike street in Portland… So it is probably PBR, but constantly and probably earlier this morning when I was walking my dog.

      • Designated bike street? Does that mean you cannot drive on it, only ride a bike? I am ALL FOR this plan if it means the bicyclists aren’t allowed on designated car roads, which should be all of them.

        • A little of both. You have to make extra efforts to get on the street with a car and bicyclists that commute to downtown use it like their own highway to keep them off the main driving streets. Portland has a lot of these, but mine is a major one for my area and has concrete barricades to keep cars out, but let bikes through.

          And I totally agree about bikes on other streets, especially when there are so many MANY bike-specific options. The other day, while I was trying to get to a store and had to go on a semi-popular road, three or four guys kept weaving in and out of traffic and parked cars — when one of the bike streets was A BLOCK AWAY. And while I get having to use that street if you’re going to a restaurant or shop for a block or two, these jerks did the entire street length and weren’t wearing helmets and I was CONVINCED that I was going to hit them. And they kept giving me dirty looks because I was in a car. It was very stressful.

  7. well, looks like Lindsay’s going to test her mom’s “this wouldn’t happen in New York” theory.

  8. Can we please send Lindsay to jail for a long enough time that she actually learns a lesson? Like for her life?

  9. Obviously they didn’t have fathers who would repeatedly bang on the dashboard yelling, “THIS IS A MACHINE. THIS IS A MACHINE.” as they taught you how to drive a vehicle at the age of 15. Ah, memories.

  10. “Look ma, Lo hans!”

  11. What is an entourage FOR? I thought that an entourage was basically supposed to be people who did things for you. And while I’m willing to believe that Lindsay’s entourage is full of free-loading assholes who don’t care about her at all or she wouldn’t have some of the problems that she constantly has…but shouldn’t some of them be interested in keeping her out of jail? If only for the sake of keeping the money train flowing to them?

  12. When I was a teenager, my parents used to say stuff like, “you can’t go out. you’ll get into an accident, be lying in a ditch, BLEEDING TO DEATH, and your friends will leave you.” And now, sometimes, I get panic attacks in cars. But you know what? I became a very cautious driver. Haven’t broken a single person’s knee! So, suffice to say, my parents’ parenting methods > The Lohans.

    • Not judging your parents or anything, but to be fair, a piece of cardboard’s parenting methods > The Lohans.

    • Other parents whose parenting methods that are better than those of the Lohans:

      - those animals that leave their offspring out on hillsides for Darwinism to take care of
      - Prom night dumpster baby parents
      - kumquats
      - Lucille Bluth

  13. Even Britney is all like

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