The thing about Gwyneth Paltrow is that you can’t even really make fun of her because she has become such a parody of herself that everything she says and does is more ridiculous and perfectly in line with the outlandish image we all have of her than anything you could make up. And yet here we are, still giving it the old college try. And that’s what makes us so great. From the DailyMail (via Celebitchy):

It’s no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow flies the flag for healthy living. But it seems her outlook on life has gone a little far as she projects strict parenting on her children. The Talented Mr Ripley actress has revealed that she only allows eight-year-old daughter Apple, and son Moses, six, to watch television in French or Spanish instead of their native English.

Speaking to InStyle magazine, the mother-of-two said Apple was ‘cross’ as ‘I only let them watch TV in French or Spanish’. She added: ‘When I’m in France, I go to [Boulevard] Beaumarchais and buy all their cartoons.’

Right. Yes. Of course you only let your children (APPLE and MOSES, like, can we please not forget THAT part? Can that not become such a routine detail that we overlook it completely because, you know, APPLE and MOSES?) watch French and Spanish cartoons, and in so describing you say that your six year old child gets “cross.” CROSS! No one gets cross. There hasn’t been a single cross person since Charles Dickens died of croup. “I’m nine stone’s worth of cross.” No. Stop it, man. I do love describing her as the Talented Mr. Ripley actress though. She has been in 21 movies since then, including Iron Man 1 and Iron Man 2, The Royal Tanenbaums, and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. But try as she might, to the rest of the world she will always be “the Talented Mr. Ripley actress.” Brava.

Comments (36)
  1. “Ma mère est la pire!”
    -Pomme De Terre Paltrow

  2. Mummy, I quite like Cuentos del Pato! -Apple, probably

  3. “The Talented Mr Ripley actress has revealed that she only allows eight-year-old daughter Apple, and son Moses, six, to watch television in French or Spanish instead of their native Olde English.”

  4. I think it is very brave of her for apparently raising her children alone, as I can only assume from his absence in all of the articles (not vg, but daily mail, etc.) concerning Apple and Moses, Chris Martin has pled for sanctuary at the Notre Dame cathedral and is living there in seclusion with only the company of the gargoyles, the friendly hunchback Quasimodo, and that creepy creepy church dude who sings about lust. I mean, that has to be why he has no vested interest, responsibility, or blame for anything concerning his kids, right?

  5. I really hope Apple’s teenage rebellion involves a juggalo phase

  6. Gwyneth Paltrow is our generation’s Mitt Romney. She purports to speak on behalf of your EveryMom but is consistently and staggeringly tone deaf.

  7. It’s a legitimate strategy; if she can keep them from learning English, maybe they’ll never realize that their names are utterly ridiculous.

  8. What does she have against German?

  9. i’m amazed she even owns up to having a television at all.

  10. This is perfect. I can’t even hate on this. She has to be pulling our legs, because of course she is! Nobody would do these things, nobody is THAT ridiculous all of the time, it’s impossible! Plus, she was shockingly charming and funny on the Graham Norton Show. In my head, this is a character she’s invented and she just gets such a kick out of going for interviews and saying shit like “We vacationed in a chateau in Orleans that didn’t have electricity so the children had to animate their own cartoons, in French and Spanish, using flip books that we made ourselves from recycled paper. Apple was ever so cross becaus she wanted a pony but I told her she could only have a zebra, and a regular sized one at that. That reminds of me of how I was shopping for watercress in Morocco with my good friend Leonardo Dicapprio and the gardener, Jose. But Don’t even get me started on that!”

  11. I really, really, really hope that Apple gets to spend the night at friends’ houses, and when she does I hope that she watches EVERY SINGLE RIDICULOUS CARTOON/KID’S SHOW IN ENGLISH. I hope that she eats mounds and mounds of candy with processed sugars, and ice cream that wasn’t made from the milk of cows who were only fed organic apples or whatever. And that she eats like 27 pieces of good old-fashioned greasy Pizza Hut pizza and not whatever disgusting GOOP “pizza” Gwynnie probably feeds her. Also: cookie dough and brownie batter.

    But Gwyneth being Gwyneth, I bet she sends Apple to slumber parties with a backpack full of “healthy” GOOP snacks and a DVD of “Le Singe est sur la Branche” (which is what I would name MY French language cartoon) and she probably tells the host parents not to let her eat or watch anything else.

    • I think Apple is probably going to rebel by becoming a Paula Deen devotee.

    • Ah, Le Singe est sur la Branche! The monkey that was always on the branch, that fell off that one time and they had to learn to share in order to fix the tree, was my favourite. Jean-Guy Ste-Banane, I believe his name was. Classic Le Singe est sur la Branche!

    • There was a mention in a memoir I read once of a kid whose family was very restrictive with food (to the point of having a padlock on the refrigerator). When said kid spent the night at a friend’s house and was told she could eat anything she wanted, she melted down an entire stick of butter in a skillet and drank it from a mug. There, but for the grace of God, goes Apple.

  12. “I let my children watch Looney Tunes, but only Speedy Gonzalez”-Gwyneth Paltrow

  13. I met a really wonderful guy named Moses the other day. He was a basset hound.

  14. I really like the idea that they watch terrible telenovelas when she’s out of the room (so all the time) and are always cursing Victor! Victor!

  15. She’ll always be the actress from Sliding Doors to me.

  16. “what’s in the box? what’s in the box?…..Awwww ¿Donde Esta Nemo? again?!?!”

  17. She may be the worst, but she brings out the best in you, Gabe. BRAVA, indeed.

  18. This is nice because, clearly, she thinks the kids will somehow pick up French and Spanish from watching cartoons. It doesn’t work that way stupid! Possibly, she has them tutored in French and Spanish? This would be a great time for them to do it. But passively listening to a language does NOT imprint in the brain or whatevs without actual language instruction going on in the cartoon.

    Being a grad student for teaching makes one a pedantic dick (me).

  19. Tenenbaums

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