Of the things that keep people from spending a million dollars to see a movie in the theater, dealing with rude fellow moviegoers is probably within the top five. Number one is definitely fear of bedbugs. Everyone is afraid of that one, right? Everywhere on Earth, that’s everyone’s number one fear about pretty much going anywhere, and not just the fear of people who live in disgusting, over-crowded filth cities? Right. But rude jerks is certainly up there, too, and a theater in London has figured out a terrible way to stop it. From SlashFilm:

The Prince Charles Cinema is said to be employing volunteer “ninjas” to regulate good behavior among the audience. The term “ninja” is being used loosely here — they’re really more like glorified ushers in black skintight bodysuits — but whatever you want to call them, it’s certainly an interesting way to keep the peace.

The so-called ninjas are ordinary cinephiles who agree to “guard” screenings in exchange for free admission. When they spot a patron talking, texting, throwing popcorn, kicking seats, or otherwise engaging in rude behavior, they swoop down to give the jerk in question a talking-to.

“You can see this movie for free, as long as you wear this skintight bodysuit and agree to make a scene of yourself.” “I’M IN! I REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!” So, that’s their idea. I think we can think of better ideas? I’ll start with mine.

  • Bury everyone in sand.
  • Thick tape all over everyone’s heads, except the eyeballs.
  • Tell everyone that bedbugs are attracted to your breath, mostly, and breathing out of your nose is probably fine, but breathing out of your mouth is going to make it so you definitely get bedbugs.
  • Hire “screamers” who scream loudly whenever they hear anyone make a noise.
  • Bugs crawl around on your face and you can’t open your mouth or else they’ll crawl in.
  • Fill everyone’s mouths with tar.
  • Glue peoples mouths together and tie their hands to their seats.
  • Dog collars that shock you when you talk or think about talking.


Comments (26)
  1. There’s no way this doesn’t immediately result in people getting harassed/assaulted by the “ninjas.”

  2. Or, in keeping with the ninja theme, have a tennis ball machine at the front of the theater that reacts to noise and shoots shuriken.

    • But what if you have to pee really bad and you’ve tried to hold it as long as you can and you finally get up to go and you say “excuse me” to the people around you so you can pass by them and the tennis ball hits you in the stomach area so you just pee right away? That’d be awful, right?

      • The theatre would just make sure to keep loaner pants on hand. Problem solved.

      • It shoots shuriken, not tennis balls, so the embarrassment would probably be less of an issue than the painful shuriken extraction.

        But as to the problem of peeing, the beauty of this idea is that it would train the audience to be ninjas themselves. You could use your supernatural stealth abilities to ghost past your fellow audience members or you could shoot one of those ninja grappling hooks into the rafters and swing to the back of the theater. And if this second method caught on, maybe theaters would start installing washrooms in the ceiling for your convenience.

  3. Bedbugs at movie theatres is a thing? I am so glad that I haven’t been to see a movie in theatres in 8 months!

    • Maybe only in New York? I go to the movies all the time, both the fancy pasted regular cinema AND the greasy, run-down dollar cinema, and have never had a bedbug poblem.

  4. i think you guys are underestimating the effectiveness of this system. i think we have a pretty skewed vision of what we would define them as, but the British have a very different definition of “ninja”

  5. I should say that a stern look from the Dowager Countess would be enough to keep the riff raff in line.

  6. Make them watch The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure if they misbehave

  7. Play every movie at 10% volume so everyone has to be really quiet and pay careful attention.

  8. Give everyone a huge mouthful of Now and Laters. Those things take forever to chew! They can also rip out loose baby teeth!

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