Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hey kelly
Gabe: whattup?
Kelly: n2m
Kelly: Mostly just the same old stuff, what’s up with you?
Gabe: nothing much
Gabe: i’m going to get a haircut someday soon?
Gabe: but not yet!
Kelly: Oh that’s nice!
Kelly: What celebrity’s picture are you going to bring in for it?
Gabe: i’m bringing in a picture of Joffrey from Game of Thrones
Gabe: and I’m going to say
Gabe: “make me look like someone who hates Joffrey”
Kelly: OMG that is going to be stunning
Kelly: So fresh
Gabe: so fresh, so dope
Gabe: very very dope
Gabe: “make me look dope”
Kelly: It’s honestly like one of the dopest ideas for a haircut I’ve heard in a long time
Kelly: So that’s great, it sounds like things are going pretty well for you
Gabe: not bad, yeah
Gabe: 2012!
Gabe: well, i guess we’ve covered just about everything
Gabe: i should probably go look for the most hatable photo of joffrey
Gabe: so that the barber really “gets it”

Kelly: oh yeah sure
Kelly: Gabe, I have to say
Kelly: I get this weird feeling sometimes where it’s like
Kelly: You kind of want to leave the chat right before I get to talk to you about the thing I really needed to talk about?
Gabe: what? why would you feel that way?
Gabe: is it something i am saying/doing?
Kelly: I don’t know
Gabe: i feel like you’re just projecting
Gabe: and other psychology terms from freshman year of college
Kelly: You’re probably right. I’m sorry for even bringing it up.
Gabe: apology accepted
Gabe: well see ya!
Kelly: NO WAIT HAVE YOU READ SURI’S BURN BOOK YET?

Gabe: eww, have I read Suri’s what now?
Kelly: Oh brother.
Kelly: Sur’s BURN BOOK
Gabe: nope!
Gabe: i don’t know what that is, because I am a grown man, and I don’t want to know, because I am a grown man, and I will never read it, whatever it is, because I am a grown man.
Kelly: Ok ok I’ll explain it
Kelly: It was a blog where a woman, in the voice of Suri Cruise, critiqued the clothing and bodies of other young children of celebrities 4 laughs
Kelly: And now it’s a book that we can all buy and keep in our homes
Kelly: And all blogs should be.
Gabe: i hate everything you are saying right now
Kelly: Whyyy-eeeee??????
Gabe: what a terrible idea from a terrible person
Gabe: she sounds like a stupid, ugly bitch
Gabe: get it?
Gabe: SOCIAL COMMENTARY!
Gabe: LOLOLOL
Gabe: we r just making social commentary about society’s obsession with horrible blogs!
Kelly: hahahahahahha I get it
Gabe: “But again, Hagan claims that it’s all meant to highlight our horrible obsession with celebrity kids. She tells The Daily Beast‘s Melissa Leon, “There are so many more celebrities now, and the obsession with the children is a part of that. My goal is to poke fun at that and how weird it is.” She wants to assure everyone that she has standards for where to draw the line. She only uses children whose parents “put them out there.” (Nevermind that she covers Nahla Aubry whose mother Halle Berry is extremely outspoken about the overreach and exploitation of celebrity children’s media coverage.) She recently decided not to run a photo pointing out a young child’s “camel toe.” (But picking on a toddler like Harper Beckham’s weight is completely okay.)”
Gabe: “my goal is to poke fun at that”
Gabe: so fun
Kelly: Oh jesus.

Gabe: look, obviously, videogum has “poked fun” at celebrities before
Gabe: because celebrity culture IS ridiculous
Gabe: and our obsession with it IS weird
Gabe: but if you are so incapable of drawing any lines of distinction around what might or might not simply be adding to the problem
Gabe: that you pretend to be a child
Gabe: making fun of other children
Gabe: then I hope you…don’t have any physical harm to you…but you lose any money that you make doing it…and have some kind of epiphanic moment of self-awareness
Gabe: that makes you FUCKING CUT IT OUT
Kelly: Yes.
Gabe: if your idea of being morally grounded is choosing not to post a picture of “a child’s camel toe” which suggests that you actually did think about it for a little while
Gabe: then you are straight up a legit bad person
Kelly: For real
Gabe: and you need to take all of the black shrouds off the vampire mirros
Gabe: and take a good hard look
Gabe: at your shitty face
Kelly: And even, this is a smaller thing
Kelly: But even to justify it by saying that she only goes after the kids whose parents put them out there
Kelly: As if knowing that fact would make any difference to the kids she was exploiting
Kelly: Who don’t really have a say in any of it
Gabe: right, as if those parents exploiting their kids makes what you are doing social commentary as opposed to still just making cruel and useless fun of children
Gabe: i’m only going to shoot children in the face if their parents put targets on them
Kelly: To be fair, they are benefitting from the targets in other ways and have been born to people willing to put the targets on so it’s all kind of just fun stuff
Gabe: so fun
Kelly: No one gets hurt when you say “It won’t be long before Harper Beckham’s arms are thicker than her mom’s.”
Kelly: It’s just a little fun
Kelly: bringing some joy to readers
Gabe: great social commentary
Kelly: Really poking fun AT people who would REALLY say that
Kelly: And REALLY sell a book about it and REALLY make money from that book
Gabe: “it’s so weird how we are obsessed with celebrity culture,” said the woman who has made a name for herself via her most disgusting and morally bankrupt strain of celebrity obsession
Kelly: What a gross thing.
Kelly: What a gross book.
Gabe: the grossest
Gabe: thank you for telling me about it
Kelly: No problem, thanks for sticking around!
Gabe: oh my pleasure
Gabe: and to think that if i had logged off earlier
Gabe: i would never have learned about how some stupid asshole
Gabe: published a book full of hateful garbage
Gabe: BE PRESENT, U GUYS
Gabe: ENJOY THE MOMENT BCAUSE LIFE IS ALL AROUND U
Kelly: Life is beautiful & full of endless wonder.
Kelly: I’m glad I could share a bit with you today.

Comments (65)
  1. But we’re supposed to burn it, right? Because it’s so terrible? Works for me.

    • Yeah, I haven’t burned a book in a while. I think the last one was Andy Cohen’s Most Talkative: Stories from the Front Lines of Pop Culture

      • My sister told me to read that. Did you burn it because it was so good? And you were sad that it was over and didn’t know how else to express that sadness?

        Wait seriously did anyone read this, my sister is like incredibly smart but she reads such garbage and I never know how to take her recommendations!

        • No, I didn’t really read it. But my boyfriend got it free somewhere, I think at a view screening? I don’t know, but the book sits on our shelf and his big insane narcissistic smile staring at me makes me want to destroy it.

  2. Someone should write a burn book about how it looks like her skull is trying to escape her face, but she’s neither a child nor famous, so fuck ‘er.

  3. By celebrities who “put their children out there,” does she mean celebrities who go out in public with their children, as opposed to the sensible, good parents who just keep them locked in the house at all times?

  4. Ms. Hagan’s parents show that you can be regular people and raise a terrible person, so there’s hope that terrible people [all celebrities with kids] can raise regular people.

  5. I’d never heard of this woman/blog, but I just strolled over on the Google bridge to take a look. Isn’t satire supposed to be funny?

    • Exasperated baby agrees.

      • I was an exceptionally ugly baby. My heart grows three sizes when I see a really ugly baby. Don’t worry, ugly little baby. It gets better. And if you’re lucky enough to have a sibling who was a cute baby, just bring those pictures whenever a baby picture is required. Gender doesn’t matter, all babies are pretty well interchangeable as long as you get the ethnicity more or less right.

        • One day in college, I was helping my mom clean out her bedroom closet when we found an envelope full of my first baby pictures. They were all the same photo, printed school photo style in all different sizes so you could give them away. It turns out I was a hideous newborn and my mom hid the pictures without cutting out a single one. I would’ve been sad if I weren’t in full agreement on the wisdom of that decision.

  6. No offense to Kelly, but most of the topics that are brought up in, what has become my favorite thing about this site, the Friendly Chats are things I generally avoid. But love watching those topics crash and burn in this blog.

  7. i was thinking about this the other day when we were shown pictures of Jon Hamm Shopping: there is someone out there who’s job it is to photo-shop penises onto celebrities. on top of that, there is someone out there who’s job it is – likely making more money than you and i – to say, “hey, we should photo-shop some dong on these pictures of people out walking on the sidewalk,” and so on and so on, entire economies are based on this garbage pile of terrible.

    all of that now seems comical in light of out there somewhere, 1) there is something called “parody blogs of celebrity kids” and even worse, they weigh the pros and cons of posting pictures of said persons’ camel toe – and use that as leverage in the argument as to whether or not what they are doing is anywhere close to being “ok” on a moral level. ugh…..**gunshot**

  8. “make me look like someone who hates Joffrey”

    I really want to make a joke about this but I’m afraid I can’t do so without it being accused of being a spoiler. So I’ll just say everyone hates Joffrey. Gabe will have a cool haircut that looks like everyone.

  9. Gotta feel bad for this women. Most of the other people at the country club are going to have generic phrases like “mergers and acquisitions” to mask the terrible things they did to get rich. This lady just has to straight up say that her primary source of income is being mean to children.

  10. Can I just point out that I made a really great salad for dinner with spinach and smoked salmon and cucumber and yellow peppers and mandarin orange slices and roasted pumpkin seeds, and I was sitting in my window eating it and laughing out loud at this, and I suddenly realized this is where our favourite meme probably came from? “Oh, look! Just another woman laughing alone eating a salad! And all is right with the world.”

  11. I couldn’t find a hatable picture of Joffrey (?), but I think I found the most lovable

  12. no, but really can i go back to bed now? Is it time for the apocalypse yet??? #2012

  13. Hold up. I clicked on the link. Normally I would feel bad for judging someone like this, but that woman is only 25??? She looks like a well-maintained 40. I hope for her sake it’s the make-up (red lipstick makes your teeth look funny and too much foundation and eye shadow can accentuate wrinkles). I’d probably be a bitch too if people were always asking if I was my friends’ mom. “What is your secret, girl, you don’t look a day over 35!” #socialcommentary

    • Ugh. Can I just say I really struggled with whether or not I should post this because it is very mean and in the end I was like “meh, she’s obviously a monster” but now that it’s out there in all its permanent glory I feel awful for it. Let’s get some edit buttons and delete buttons around here, please!!

    • I don’t disagree with you. She needs a new hairstyle and a wayyyy different choice of clothing, makeup and whatnot. Fine, she can’t help how her face looks, but she sure doesn’t have to dress like a 40-year-old trying to look 19.

      And as someone who is actually 35, I take offense to this remark. Just kidding, I agree with it entirely.

    • I think she just looks extremely indoorsy. Like Morticia Addams. Minus the French-speaking sexpot aspect. And the class. And the wit. And all the rest of Morticia except the indoorsy part. I mean she looks root-cellar indoorsy.

      Okay, now I have talked myself into believing the Suri Burn Book was motivated by jealousy. She wishes she’d had parents who’d “put her out there.”

    • Today I learned you can be as mean as you like on the internet as long as you say “wow, that was really mean. I apologize” after.

  14. This just fucking stinks and makes me want to apologize to my two year old daughter for making her exist.

    I’m sorry, Charlotte. I’m working on getting us that farm in the middle of nowhere where they won’t be able to find us.

  15. As if they didn’t already have enough to worry about with the starwhackers.

  16. Gabe’s gonna go from Shaggy2Dope!

  17. Have you actually read the blog (or, worse, excerpts from the book)? One thing that is getting short shrift here is just how fucking TERRIBLE it is. It’s NOT FUNNY. Maybe, just maybe, this woman gets a pass if what she’s writing is gut punch funny observations. MAYBE. But probably not. But possibly this has some redeeming quality if the bits were just so funny that our laughter drowned out the groans over how tone deaf she is to the very issue she’s supposedly mocking. But it’s not. It’s awful.

  18. “i’m only going to shoot children in the face if their parents put targets on them” – this line is perfect. I’ve heard people defend the likes of Frankie Boyle (asshole comedian who told a nasty joke about the *blind and disabled* little son of UK celebrity Jordan), saying that Jordan deserves it because she puts her son on the cover of celeb magazines with her. What fucking nonsensical self-serving logic. “It’s ok that I bullied that kid, cause he’s already being bullied!”

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