I don’t know, guys. It’s like sometimes I don’t even know if the world is ever going to be ok at all. Do you ever feel like that? I don’t want to go into this day on a huge bummer, but it’s hard to get around feeling that way right now and I can only write what I feel. Like, for instance: wars exist. For another instance: Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie just CANNOT seem to get their shit together, according to sources who definitely know what’s up. Ugh. I THOUGHT THEY DECLARED PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST? From Hollywood Life:

“Since Angie can’t say anything straight to Jen’s face, Jane [Ed. Note: Brad Pitt's mom.] [Ed. Note: Sry if that was condescending, I'm sure you knew.] is the next best thing,” an insider told Star. Jen has been over the moon since her Aug. 10 engagement to Justin Theroux, but arch-nemesis Angelina doesn’t have any messages of support for the former Friends star.

“After Jane offhandedly mentioned how thrilled she was for Jen, Angie said, ‘Please! She’s pathetic! But, hey, it’s about time. Sure hope it lasts, but don’t get your hopes up. Justin’s going to dump Jen,’” revealed the insider. “Then Angie made some snide comments about how she’d believe it when she saw it, in regards to Jen’s wedding — making it clear that she thinks Jen is a pathetic, neurotic mess.”

The friend adds that Angie knew full well that Jane would tell Jennifer. Another source confirms, “Jane went running back to Jen to report Angie’s comments, and that sent Jen into an emotional spiral.”

Hahaha. Who is this source, DAVID SEDARIS? (Because of how perfectly the dialogue is remembered for sure, and also because of how much I love this source.) Who do you think the source is? Brad Pitt’s mom’s maid? Brad Pitt’s mom’s couch? BRAD PITT’S MOM? Who cares. All I know is that everything the source said is right, and that if we ever want all of these people to be TRUE friends we’re just going to have to PRAY HARDER. (From Celebitchy.)

Comments (23)
  1. now I know what the ghost writers of Sweet Valley High do in between books.

  2. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. I am beginning to think that celebrity gossipologists have never actually spoken to a human being before, and get their standards of how people act from soap operas. I am eagerly awaiting the reveal of Brad Pitt’s Evil Twin (with an eviler goatee), or finding out that one of the children Pitt-Jolie was actually fathered by George Clooney, and that Poor Jennifer of the Barren Womb is actually being swindled by that coxcomb Justin Theroux, who is ALREADY married to, oh I don’t know, Winona Ryder (who has amnesia and is REALLY Chad MIchael Murray).

    • And then Jen could get pregnant, but right when she’s about to have the baby, the doctor announces that she isn’t really pregnant it’s just a hysterical pregnancy, meaning her body wanted a baby so badly that it made her believe she was having one (I’m 75% sure this isn’t a real thing, but I saw it on a Brazilian soap opera and the doctor was VERY convincing I assure you). Jen has to go into hiding because she’s been so publicly humiliated, BUT when she emerges, Angie and Brad have adopted a new baby that looks suspiciously like it might have Jen’s birth nose and is pretty much exactly the right age, so was she actually pregnant the whole time and Angelina found a way to spirit the baby from her womb???? Or did Angie just find a baby that looked that way to mess with her???? STAY TUNED.

    • his evil twin is out there…

  3. Oh. I think we all know who the source is:

  4. I love the idea that Angelina is just constantly sitting around gabbing with Brad’s crazy homophobic mom.

  5. Hey, What’s Up With David Sedaris?

  6. I don’t know guys, on the one hand I really hate this fucking anti-woman narrative that gossip columnists write about how women be fightin’ each other but I know that’s what people like to read so I guess I’ll just keep my opinions to myself. BUT! on the other hand, I LOVE the idea that Angelina Jolie, by all accounts, won this stupid feud if you can even call it that, I mean she’s an arguably more successful movie star and she’s married (or about to be? who fucking knows) to the guy the feud is over, and she’s STILL sitting around talking trash about Jennifer Anniston like they’re in fucking high school. It just makes Jenn look classy (er) and like Angie still has a hangup about the whole thing. It takes her power away. I mean, the only way to actually be classy when this issue comes up is say something like “can’t we put this mess behind us? I wish her the best” but instead, Jolie has to put on crazy pants and say shit like “whatever, pathetic!” like she didn’t steal that woman’s husband! I guess what I’m trying to say is that Jolie seems like a really terrible person and a horrible role model to anyone (yes, even Octomom) and Jennifer Anniston might not be much better (I really don’t have any evidence about what kind of a person she is) but at least she’s not saying stupid shit.

    • This may be an unpopular opinion, but I love Angelina Jolie. Based entirely on conjecture and some sort of vague admiration, I’m going to go ahead and say she probably didn’t say anything even close to this. She probably just wasn’t jumping out of her skin excited when Brad’s mom brought it up for probably the gillionth time, or maybe rolled her eyes a bit when she wasn’t looking. I think she’s a pretty good role model, she spends her money helping people rather than on herself. She adopts a gazillion kids but can afford to raise them properly and seems to spend a lot of time with them. I honestly don’t get the hate.

      • I agree that she does a lot of good for the world, which is kind of why it’s such bullshit that she STILL needs to talk shit about Jenn. Unless you’re right that she really didn’t say any of this, which is still possible but I get a sense from other (similar) stuff that she’s got a hangup.

    • I don’t know guys, on the one hand I really hate this fucking anti-woman narrative that gossip columnists write about how women be fightin’ each other but I know that’s what people like to read so I guess I’ll just keep my opinions to myself.

      I agree with this, and think it’s absolutely ridiculous that A) despite the fact that it’s been like eleventy billion years since this went down, people are STILL asking them about it (which would make me irate), and B) the story is framed as JEN v. ANGIE (which is kind of a retread of DEBBIE v. LIZ TAYLOR but whatever), completely erasing any agency Brad Pitt might have had. He’s like the human equivalent of a throw rug. I’m half expecting german electro-pop musicians to break in and urinate on him or something.

      tl;dr moonbase gin, here I come.

      • Yeah I have a big problem with Woman v. Woman narratives that get ingrained into our psyche over and over and over by a ton of different media. I won’t go into here why I hate it (because I think all the moon colony peeps know it by heart) but it kind of blows me away that it’s still such a predominant narrative.

  7. I bet the source wasn’t Doug Pitt, our #1 Pitt.

  8. I’d like to know the demographics of people who use the word “arch-nemesis.” I’m guessing mostly tabloid writers and jacket copywriters for pulp mysteries.

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