After the jump, we have two local news stories, and they are both pretty sweet, but which of them is THE SWEETEST? Sorry, guys, but this is a dog eat dog world we live in and you can’t just have two things live side by side in perfect harmony. ONE OF THEM MUST DESTROY THE OTHER. And so we are left to choose. On the one hand, you have a news story in which a man in his 60s who has mastered carnival games donates as many as 250,000 stuffed animals to children in need. On the other hand, you have an out of work woman whose husband bought a billboard asking people to hire his wife. Both are relatively sweet examples of people doing something nice for someone else. BUT WHICH OF THEM DID IT SWEETER? Now you know how Sophie felt when she had to make her choice. Which of these perfectly nice and charming local interest news stories will we SEND TO THE NAZI GAS CHAMBER?! (Spoiler Alert: Sophie’s Choice was first published in 1979. Get on board.) Two sweet news stories enter, one sweet news story is a little sweeter than the other according to a small collection of like-minded humorous-pop-culture-blog readers. Such is the drama of human existence. LET’S GO TO THE OCTAGON:

First up, the guy who wins all the games at the carnival and donates his prizes to charity:

Awww, that is very nice! Sort of! I mean it is also very indicative of the limitations of being great at winning carnival games. Sadly, it is just not a skill that you can translate into anything other than compiling a season finale of Breaking Bad pile of stuffed animals in a storage unit. But at least he’s doing something nice with this talents. And that’s nice!

Next up: hire my wife.

Haha. Uhhhhhh. This is a vaguely romantic gesture and this guy clearly loves his wife, but then you also have to kind of wonder how badly she needs a job if her husband can afford to be buying stunt advertising all over the place? I’m sure she needs one, but HOW BADLY? Also this is as weird of a thing to do as it is nice, right? Can we agree on that? It’s weird. Hire his wife!

So? WHO WORE IT SWEETER? Personally, I think the answer is stuffed animal guy if for no other reason than STUFFED ANIMALS are involved, but also because he’s helping strangers, not his spouse, and because he seems great and he should be president. Vote early and vote often this November. #politics

Comments (27)
  1. The stuffed animal guys seems like a communist, if you ask me.

  2. Here’s a news story:

  3. The guy buying stunt advertising means she clearly does not need a job for economical reasons, but there are other reasons for someone to work! Maybe they’re very well off but she’s not emotionally fulfilled! Maybe She WANTS to join the work force, and it’s not a choice based on necessity! However, I still don’t see it as sweet so much as passive-aggressive humiliation.

  4. Stuffed animal guy wins by default.

    The billboard guy’s gesture seems sweet at first, but when you stop and think for a minute it’s actually kind of patronizing. Sure, he trumpets her qualifications, but I can’t help but feel it’s diminishing for an accomplished/educated woman to be presented to potential employers in a light where she’s identified primarily as some guy’s wife rather than just the accomplished/educated woman that she is in her own right.

  5. Oh, is that also the plot of Please Hire My Wife Vol. 2-17? Teenaged boys with limited spending money want to know. (This joke would have worked better when people went to porno stores and bought porno DVDs.)

  6. CGA = Carnival Gamers Anonymous, and that guy should be the figurehead. Also, he wins, obviously. Look at all those prizes.

  7. the carnival games master wins because it didn’t freeze my computer and force me to reboot.

  8. Carnival guy FTW. Unemployed wife used the word “onboarding” so she loses.

  9. The rest of the five people who can actually win carnival games on this planet are clearly hoarding their winnings unlike our hero, so he has to come out ahead. With great aptitude for shooting water in a clown’s mouth comes great responsibility and all that.

    • News Lady: You don’t owe these kids anymore. You’ve given them everything!
      Detroit-Man: Not everything… *reaches for over-sized Pink Panther stuffed animal* Not yet.

  10. Get a job unemployed wife! – Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney

  11. Anytime you give a stuffed animal to a child in need, you are the sweetest. FINISH HER!!

  12. No. The best local news story is the one that was in my local paper this morning: a guy tried to rob a sex shop but was foiled by the sex shop employee who beat him up with a “blunt implement”–i.e., a dildo. THAT is the best local news story ever (since the one about the wallabies terrorizing the old folks’ home).

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