I have some news. First, I want you to know that everything is all right. There is no need to panic. It’s just that something happened with Russell Crowe this weekend that we wanted to wait to tell you about until we had all the information, because we didn’t want to scare you. Please relax. I know you have a right to know about these things, but do trust us that waiting to bring you in on the situation until everything was under control was for your own good. But here’s what happened, from the New York Times:

Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe lost his way kayaking in the waters off New York’s Long Island and was picked up by a U.S. Coast Guard boat and ferried to a harbor, officials said Sunday.

Please calm down! It’s fine — Russell Crowe is fine. Take a few breaths, maybe get a glass of water, and please keep reading.

The 48-year-old actor was kayaking with a friend and launched from Cold Spring Harbor Saturday afternoon on the Long Island Sound, according to U.S. Coast Guard Petty Officer Robert Swieciki. As it got dark, the two got lost and eventually headed for shore, beaching their kayaks in Huntington Bay, nearly 10 miles east from where they had set out.

The U.S. Coast Guard was patrolling the area, and heard Crowe call out to them from the shore around 10 p.m., Swieciki said. The “Gladiator” actor and his friend, who Swieciki didn’t recognize, paddled over to the boat. The Coast Guard officers pulled them up and, along with their kayaks, gave them a ride to Huntington Harbor.

“He just needed a little bit of help, he just got a little lost,” Swieciki said. “It wasn’t really a rescue, really, more of just giving someone a lift.”

You see!!!! He wasn’t even with a famous person, thank god, and the Coast Guard was only giving them a lift. No biggie. Like when you get into a horrible accident and need an ambulance to give you a lift to the emergency room. Ahhh, no, stop! That was a bad example! Sheesh. There is just no consoling you about this Russell Crowe incident. HE’S FINE!

Comments (18)
  1. If only he had gone method on Master and Commander, a la Shia LaBeouf, this would never have happened.

  2. Here’s your ding-dang post, Facetaco!

  3. russell cROWe.

  4. Why did they wander so far from the shore? Were they… not entertained??? Ahahahahaha #jokes

  5. I know it was getting dark, but why couldn’t he just follow the Long Island Sound back to shore?

  6. This has nothing to do with Russell Crowe and quite honestly, I was going to save it for another political nightmare post as we will need it, but I HAVE HUGE NEWS…

    I SAW AN OTTER THIS WEEKEND!! Just being all casual, hanging out, swimming around a tributary to the Columbia River. Not a beaver, (saw one of those too). And nope, not some kind of giant Oregon river rat. A real live otter, swimming around, eating fish.

    Pictured: an otter (though probably not the one I saw)

  7. Sure, Crowe gets all the attention, but the same thing happened to Rick Rubin.

  8. you can’t really blame him. he’s used to the currents going the other direction.

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