Every year in January there is that trend piece that goes around about how scientists determined that January 14th is the “most depressing day of the year,” or whatever, I’m so bored right now that I don’t even have the energy to look up the real thing but I know you know what I’m talking about. And then someone else will be like, “Actually, it’s January 15th,” and you’re like, “Let’s all kill ourselves.” Now, I don’t have any scientists in my lab, but I have determined for a FACT that today, the Tuesday before Labor Day, is the most boring day of the Internet year. Seriously, what are we all even doing here? Let’s get the fuck out of here! There is nothing going on. Which is fine. There shouldn’t be. All the summer movies have opened, the new TV shows haven’t started yet, it’s your last week to pretend like summer is fun and breezy and not a damp, sweaty grind of lassitude and disappointment. So who wants to look at some blog? There is literally nothing going on right now. Here’s what’s going on, for an example, look at this story about how people at the Today show are mad at Matt Lauer:

Staffers and producers at the TODAY show hold Matt Lauer responsible for the continued decline in the ratings because they hold him responsible for Ann Curry being fired,” a source close to the situation tells Radar. “The staff wants Ann to be brought back and want Matt replaced with Lester Holt, but they know the odds of this happening are slim to none, because executives at the network have no interaction whatsoever with the TODAY show staff.

Hahahah. OK! Great story. Someone with absolutely no power or decision-making-capacity at the Today show is mad about Anne Curry and it doesn’t matter at all. STOP THE PRESSES VIKI VALE. And that is honestly INTERESTING compared to whatever else is even not going on at all. I guess Gwyneth Paltrow is moving back to Los Angeles (sorry England). Want to talk about that? What do you guys want to talk about? The beach? We already talked about Mike on Breaking Bad. What else is there? Forget it. Throw your computer in the bath tub. UNSUBSCRIBE. (Image via Shutterstock.)

Comments (71)
  1. Can we talk about The Secret Life Of The American Teenager? Because my wife has started watching that show on Netflix, and it is just such a weird, magnificent bastardization of television. You should all be watching it!

    • I watched the series premiere of that show! It left me dumbfounded. What I remember most is that they used to play sexy Latin music every time that one girl–who was playing a TEENAGER in HIGH SCHOOL–walked down the hallway. Oh my god, that show. It was like what would happen if a bunch of high schoolers wrote and directed their annual school play and a Hollywood Bigwig happened to be in the audience because his car broke down across the street and he said, “I’m going to make you kids famous! Bring this play to the small screen!”

      • It’s really just very weird. I have absolutely no idea who that show appeals to. The dialogue is insanely jilted and alien, the plot arcs and character actions make absolutely no sense, and they so-called “bad boy” is the worst example of the cliche I have ever seen. It’s so great!

    • I’m on it.

    • Bristol Palin was on it, ’nuff said.

  2. The Bing Summer of Dong went by so quickly…

  3. Hey, you guys know what’s kind of great? September. You still get to wear your summer clothes, the humidity drops, the beaches are less crowded…it’s like secret summer. It’s a vastly underrated month for childless adults.

    • If you’re talking about the first week/week-and-a-half of September, you are absolutely correct.

    • Oooh, also, also, you can start enjoying cool mornings and evenings and like, hoodies and stuff! No? Just me?

    • Also, we are fast approaching my favorite time of the year to drink beer. All the fall/winter ales and lagers that starting being released around now are usually my absolute favorites of the year. Seasonal beer is one of my favorite things. Did I mention I work in a brewery?


  4. I had a pretty exciting morning in the real live world. There was a guy on the metro who looked like Clark Kent. He was in a nice suit with glasses reading a book and had black hair and blue eyes and was honestly the best looking human being I’ve ever seen in my life. Everyone in the car was staring at him. At one point he looked up and made eye contact with me and I almost passed out. I’ve never seen anything like him. I bet the poor guy never dates. Jennifer Connelly would be like “No thanks, that guy’s too good loking for me to stand near.” You couldn’t look directly at him for extended periods of time. You have to approach him sideways, as the glare head-on is too bright but you can’t bring yourself to turn your back on him.

    He was kind of a looker, is what I’m saying.

  5. i didn’t care about the today show story until i realized who lester holt is. i love that guy, he has a velvet voice!

  6. Well, I just saw an old guys tooth fall out on the Price Is Right. Most boring day? I don’t think so, Gabe.

  7. We can always talk about Frasier.

  8. Well there is this:
    (Stripclub Ads for the RNC)

  9. Steven Moffat released three teaser words for the upcoming season of Sherlock: rat, wedding, bow. I’d try to think about which Sherlock Holmes stories these could refer to, but I’m too bored to really care.

    … Too nerdy? Too nerdy. Doctor Who premiers soon! Dang, still too nerdy. Sorry, I got nothing.

  10. The TODAY show is like this train wreck that’s not actually a train wreck. It’s a slow moving runaway train that’s headed for a desolate grassy area with no cliffs or mountains or trees. So watching this slow moving train reach it’s inevitable stop is just not that interesting. It’s just more stories about how your toothbrush has lots of germs on it.

    • Wait wait wait wait wait. He was hit by 2 cars, and they were driven by girls aged 15 and 17 respectively? Or did one of the cars have one 15 year old girl and one 17 year old girl in it? Can you drive a car on the highway at 15 in Montana? Is this article a hoax? I have many more questions than answers after reading that.

  11. Im so bored I’m just reading the wikipedia article for Vicky Vale now.

  12. Even the front page of the Huffington Post, which usually has something absurd to roll your eyes at, is failing me. They’re dedicate to legalizing marijuana today I guess, which is the most boring and least lols topic to roll your eyes about ever. For or against.

  13. Um….I saw a larger-than-usual squirrel the other day. #Igotnothing

  14. This is more of an afternoon links thing than a slow internet day, but here is a video of a girl cosplaying as a St. Pauli girl (Is that a thing people do??) on her cooking show, and terribly trying to convince the audience she actually is German.

  15. My friend made a very funny series of shorts that are faux video dating ads from the 80s. One of the actors is the guy from Drop Dead Diva Mad Men.

  16. So I went to Mr. Coconuts last week with lizzzing and myfakeironlung, and it was great. And I had the opportunity (correction, and I forced the opportunity) to say hello to Gabe, and instead of saying anything of any consequence, I think I pat his arm or something and said “Good websitin’” dropped g and all.

    What I meant to say was “Hey dude, thanks for, you know, making this website that has such a great community of people who I have gotten to know over time first via the internet and now in real life who are some of the kindest, most gracious, quality people I’ve ever met, and they have made my transition from Alabama to New York a smooth and enjoyable one, and gee thanks for having such a large impact on my life through creating this thing. Also your jokes were neat.”

    But nope, instead “Good websitin’”

  17. January 14 is my birthday :( .

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