Nothing funnier has happened or will happen in 2012 than the time when Mark Wahlberg casually but earnestly explained that he would have single-handedly stopped 9/11. I am sorry to all of the comedy movies that have been released or will be released this year. I am sorry to the memes this year. I am sorry to Louis C.K. and Jim Gaffigan and Aziz Ansari, who released comedy specials on-line in a successful social experiment (read: successful financial experiment) this year. I am sorry to Girls and to the New Yorker’s acquisition of that horrible Andy Borowitz blog. You’re all hilarious, I’m sure, but you are not as hilarious as when Mark Wahlberg said he would stop 9/11. Just as a reminder, here is the full Mark Wahlberg IMDB Memorable Quote:
On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
PAH! This quote’s the best around, nothing’s gonna ever bring it down. (Especially not if Mark Wahlberg is in the first class cabin. Of this quote? Let’s move on.) Anyway, over the weekend, Ron Paul said that 9/11 wouldn’t have happened if he were president, which is not nearly as hilarious or as incredible as the Mark Wahlberg quote, but it is still pretty dumb!
This is always my favorite kind of reasoning. “If this thing that I just made up were true, then a bunch of other made up stuff would also be true.” Well, sure! But then again, none of it is true, so what is even the point? If people were cheeseburgers, we would all be delicious. I just don’t see the point. Ron Paul isn’t even going to be president NOW much less 12 years ago. (I know that 9/11 happened 11 years ago, but I’m giving the Ron Paul transition team an extra year to get up and running so that they’re ready to stop 9/11 on the day it never happened. Those numbers are meaningless to me now.) If only Ron Paul could build a time machine and also an electability machine then we might finally be able to put our long national nightmare to the side of us. Always forget. (Via Gothamist.)