Nothing funnier has happened or will happen in 2012 than the time when Mark Wahlberg casually but earnestly explained that he would have single-handedly stopped 9/11. I am sorry to all of the comedy movies that have been released or will be released this year. I am sorry to the memes this year. I am sorry to Louis C.K. and Jim Gaffigan and Aziz Ansari, who released comedy specials on-line in a successful social experiment (read: successful financial experiment) this year. I am sorry to Girls and to the New Yorker’s acquisition of that horrible Andy Borowitz blog. You’re all hilarious, I’m sure, but you are not as hilarious as when Mark Wahlberg said he would stop 9/11. Just as a reminder, here is the full Mark Wahlberg IMDB Memorable Quote:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

PAH! This quote’s the best around, nothing’s gonna ever bring it down. (Especially not if Mark Wahlberg is in the first class cabin. Of this quote? Let’s move on.) Anyway, over the weekend, Ron Paul said that 9/11 wouldn’t have happened if he were president, which is not nearly as hilarious or as incredible as the Mark Wahlberg quote, but it is still pretty dumb!

This is always my favorite kind of reasoning. “If this thing that I just made up were true, then a bunch of other made up stuff would also be true.” Well, sure! But then again, none of it is true, so what is even the point? If people were cheeseburgers, we would all be delicious. I just don’t see the point. Ron Paul isn’t even going to be president NOW much less 12 years ago. (I know that 9/11 happened 11 years ago, but I’m giving the Ron Paul transition team an extra year to get up and running so that they’re ready to stop 9/11 on the day it never happened. Those numbers are meaningless to me now.) If only Ron Paul could build a time machine and also an electability machine then we might finally be able to put our long national nightmare to the side of us. Always forget. (Via Gothamist.)

Comments (46)
  1. If Mark Wahlberg had written that speech, it would’ve gone down exactly the way it did.

  2. ron paul for flight attendant 2012!

  3. don’t blame me. i voted for kodos.

  4. pretty sure i get what he was trying to say.

  5. If people were cheeseburgers, we would have voted Mayor McCheese as President, so Ron Paul is out on that one too.

  6. I think Ron Pahlberg meant 9/11 wouldn’t have happened during his presidency as he would have already proposed a law that would have 9/10 directly precede 9/12.

  7. This entire election cycle is just such a runaway landslide of bullshit that for the first time in my life, I find myself incapable of following politics. And I say this as someone who, as a 10 year old, was engrossed in the 1988 campaign. I’ve always cared, and I just don’t anymore.

    There’s nothing that Mitt Romney (or really any nationally known republican) could say to sway my opinion in their favor, so why even pay attention? As far as I can tell, every last one of them is either a heartless monster or a completely disingenuous sack of shit who will say things they don’t even remotely believe to get votes.

    It’s not that I think the Democratic Party is perfect, and there are policies the Obama administration has adopted with which I disagree completely, but at least they hold views that could plausibly be attributed to an intelligent human being who seems to give a shit about anything other than hoarding wealth and keeping women/minorities in their place.

    • Now to be fair, Romney is fighting for that poor, most overlooked of people: Corporations. Why won’t somebody think of the Corporations?

    • while i definitely agree with you, i can’t help but pay attention, because i live in a very red state, and have lived in red states for most of my life. so while a lot of people have the luxury of dismissing what the republicans say and do, politically and legislatively, what they’re ranting about on the campaign trail have real policy roots in the places where i live. i can’t pretend i don’t hear, because they run my state and my region, and i need to listen to what they say so i can prepare for whatever batshittery they are planning to implement that will directly impact me and my community.

      • I hear you, and I completely agree. My comment was in no way intended to encourage other people to stop paying attention. I was more just expressing my frustration with the level of debate and discourse right now, and my personal surprise at the fact that I’ve more or less thrown my hands up and walked away for the time being. It’s very unlike me. I still care, but I need a break from the bafflingly crazy things people say as if they’re sober-minded policy approaches. Fight on, lady.

        • It gets harder and harder because the bullshit gets thicker and thicker.

        • I live in the same place as you do (blue NYC) and so it *is* easy to tune out, save for a low-level dread that another Republican wave is coming to undo health care reform, blatantly un-balance the budget in favor of the megarich etc.

          However, I wonder if your disgust stems (like mine) from disappointment that the Obama campaign doesn’t seem to really be bringing it. I was looking forward *finally* to a clear, spirited defense of Obama’s record as being, you know, good. Ads explaining why “Obamacare” isn’t the devil, etc. What we’ve seen so far seems to be a bunch of vague crapola.

    • I would be with you but my long-standing contempt for Paul Ryan and the shit he is legitimately pushing for has me glued. Plus I just got a Biden beer cozy, so there is also that.

      • you know, i get so angry at how everyone treats biden like he is a buffoon. he really isn’t. he says great things with great passion and commitment.

        • Yup. And he was speaking out for gay marriage rather loudly before Obama finally measured in with his support. In fact, one could very easily argue that that is why Obama finally publicly said he supported that basic civil right.

          But the Obama store — the source of my beer cozy — also has a mug with a print of Obama’s birth certificate on one side and “Made In The USA” on the other. It’s a pretty funny store; I am a fan.

  8. I hope that when Sir Ian McKellen eventually plays Ron Paul in the Ron Paul biopic (entitled Ron Paul:The Man with Two First Names), he doesn’t injure himself with over-strenuous eye rolling during the filming of this scene. I worry, Ian McKellen. I worry a lot.

  9. I read the Dance Goings on About Town just to chase the Borowitz Report from my brain palate.

  10. But how many dreams has he had about it?

  11. Well of course it wouldn’t have happened if he was President. Everyone knows it was an inside job.

    • I honestly think this is what he was dog-whistling, as the 9/11 Truther crew seems to have a lot of overlap with his base of supporters. I took it to mean “my administration wouldn’t have engineered a giant murderous conspiracy like Bush’s did” and not anything about his isolationist policies preventing terrorists from hating us. Though both readings of this are equally absurd nonsense arguments.

  12. Thank god Ron Paul didn’t stop 9/11, ’cause Mark Wahlberg wouldn’t have become the Mark Wahlberg of our generation…

  13. If Ron Paul weren’t a politician he’d be hilarious.

  14. the funny or die “bad lip reading” thing with Ron Paul was pretty, prettteeeeeee prett-ay good. Not as good as the New Gingrich one but still rad to the hella. I enjoyed it. This concludes today’s important blog comment.

  15. Seems as if Gabe’s finally tipped his age hand.

  16. I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds Andy Borowitz insufferable.

  17. So now Ron Paul is running against George W. for the Republican nomination? I’m not sure I understand what is happening here.

    Follow up: If Mark Wahlberg was on one of the planes headed for the WTC and would’ve have stopped it from crashing into one of them, then who in Wahlberg’s and Paul’s overarching plot of 9/11 prevention was able to stop the second plane?

    Was it Seth MacFarlane?

  18. I heard someone on the radio this morning say they wanted Ron Paul for President because his name is easy to spell. America, folks!

    • When I heard about Ryan Paul as VP I immediately thought Ron Paul. Say Ryan Paul 5 times fast (but not in front of a mirror or he’ll climb throughand claw your eyes out). Instead of making an amendment banning gay marriage, abortions, and double rainbows, the Republicans should focus on banning a guy as a VP candidate because the name sounds one syllable shorter than a shorter, zanier presidential nominee.
      And an amendment banning Mondays. That’s how you win over the 99%.

      • I just realized his name is Paul Ryan and not Ryan Paul. There are too many fundamentalisty, ultraconservative white guys with 2 first names or no first names running for office this November.

  19. There really is a whole lot of stupid out there. No wonder the country is such a mess. And if you’re wondering, I’m talking about YOU – not Ron Paul.

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