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What we have on our hands here is a classic Hollywood mystery. Imagine a movie based on a Stephen King book series, adapted by Akiva Goldsman, directed by Ron Howard, produced by Brian Grazer, possibly starring Russell Crowe. Sounds like a movie a big studio would put out and lots of people would see, many of them not liking it very much but hey it was the only thing in that weekend and it was fun enough, RIGHT? WRONG! One of those is wrong! From Variety:
The ambitious journey of Stephen King’s THE DARK TOWER book series to the bigscreen and TV has hit another setback, as Warner Bros., which had been in talks to take it on after Universal let it go, has also decided to not move forward. Ron Howard would direct and produce along with Brian Grazer and King through Grazer and Howard’s Imagine Entertainment banner. Warner Bros. had no comment. Screenwriter Akiva Goldsman had recently delivered his latest draft for the film’s first installment and Russell Crowe had shown interest in playing the lead if Warners gave the film a greenlight. Series revolves around gunslinger Roland Deschain who roams an Old West-like landscape in search of a dark tower, in hopes that reaching it will preserve his dying world. Imagine is still able to take the project back out to other studios, but this latest news is a blow to the film’s future — when Universal first let go of the film, most insiders around town believed WB was its best chance of getting made.
WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT TO MAKE THIS MOVIE? It sounds just like a movie that anyone would make! So much like a movie that anyone would make one must ask the question: What do these big studios know that we don’t? Must be something, right? It’s a mystery! All we can all do right now is throw in all of our two cents and maybe solve this great Hollywood mystery together.
Ok. So. Why doesn’t anyone want to make The Dark Tower, a series that could translate into a perfectly mediocre movie?
- The Dark Tower is haunted and any studio that enters into talks to take it on is visited by 25 ghosts, each of them younger than the last, until the final baby ghost stations itself in the head of the studio’s beautiful home and just cries and cries and cries until the studio has to let the project go to get the baby ghost out.
- The Dark Tower‘s ex-boyfriend put out word that any studio who tries to release The Dark Tower is going to get beat up — BAD.
- The Dark Tower doesn’t have a large enough fan base or an interesting enough premise and the studios don’t think it will be worth the amount of money it will take to make it.
- The Dark Tower is for nerds.
- The Dark Tower has a secret dark past and the studios know that once the film is released the secrets will eventually be dug up and the PR will be a nightmare.
- The Dark Tower is a diva on set.
- The Dark Tower doesn’t actually exist and its saga is only meant to distract us from what’s REALLY going on.
- The Dark Tower is totally fine — great, really — and maybe if the studios were at a different point in their lives they would be thrilled to take on the project, but they’re just not ready for that kind of commitment right now.
- The Dark Tower is Kristen Stewart.
One of those? ALL of those? What do you think? Let’s solve this mystery, once and for all!
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The fact that the story ends with the main character (SPOILERS) meeting up with the actual Stephen King and saving him from his 1999 car accident might be a big red flag.
That was the moment I threw the book across the room. No joke.
What’s even worse is that it doesn’t end the story! THERE’S STILL TWO MORE FUCKING BOOKS AH I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!
“‘This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.’ — Dorothy Parker.” — Lawblog
” *sigh* ” – David Cronenberg
Wait a minute – Kelly snuck a real reason in the middle of the fake ones! I come here for the haha, not your accurate and well considered rationales!
The Dark Tower is a talk show host who claims he’s going to retire and then wants to come back and then still sucks and tells crappy jokes and then takes a pay cut even though he said on freaking national television that all of the money he makes from his show goes into the bank because he lives his stupid denim-wearing, car-buying existence on the money he makes from speaking gigs and THEN the night it’s released that he took a pay cut of money that goes directly into the bank even though a bunch of people still got laid off he goes on his national show and says a bunch of shit about the company that pays him. Man, what a piece of shit The Dark Tower is.
I really like Stephen King, and like the Dark Tower series, but there are eight books (so far) that King has said he wants to substantially re-write in the future. I can’t fault studios for not wanting to invest in that.
Also, Stephen King’s works don’t always…translate…so well. For every 1976 Carrie movie, there is two or three Dreamcatchers.
It could also be that the Dark Tower shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. That’s some bad press right there.
Absolutely laughed my ass off at the ending of The Mist. Totally lost it. The whole theater stared at me.
I regret nothing.
I saw it in a doctor’s office and had the same reaction!
The Dark Tower made comments about how pregnancy rarely occurs in legitimate rape.
Speaking of, did you see this?
http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-misspokewhat-i-meant-to-say-is-i-am-dumb-as-dog,29256/
I did. That is perfect.
Sidebar: Dreamcatcher is a misunderstood masterpiece, one of the great “bad movies” of all time.
Show your work
That reminds me, I should read this series…
No. No you shouldn’t.
Pretty sure I trust The Lawblog’s judgement. So it shall be!
::continues reading book one of Game of Thrones::
Ooh, I’m about 2/3 through A Clash of Kings. I’m thoroughly enjoying the experience so far.
As good as those books are, that’s how bad The Dark Tower is.
Clash of Kings is GREAT. Maybe my fave of the series? They all kind of blend together in my mind though, but Tyrion being a badass Hand is just the best!
The third one (Feast for Crows?) is my favourite. Sooooo much good stuff is coming up this season you guys I’M SO EXCITED!!
That’s because George Martin hasn’t ripped your heart out of your chest and done a tapdance on it yet.
Nooooooooooooooooooooo don’t listen to them. It’s amazing. I’ve read it twice, and I shall continue reading it at least once every two to three years for the rest of my life.
It could be that The Dark Tower is quite possibly one of the worst book series ever made.
It’s good parts are really quite good, but oh man do the lows suck.
There are probably about 300 total good pages. Which is good. Except that the series is 7000 PAGES LONG.
That’s pretty accurate. And depressing. Just enough to keep me coming back.
I think I’m in an unhealthy relationship with the Dark Tower, guys. I should change it’s number to ‘DICKFACE DO NOT TEXT’ in my phone and stop taking its calls.
Akiva Goldsman? Why, his track record for writing and producing is without blemish!
*Except for Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Lost in Space, Practical Magic, Deep Blue Sea , I, Robot, Constantine, Poseidon, I Am Legend, Hancock, Angels & Demons, The Losers, Fair Game, Jonah Hex, Paranormal Activity 2, and Paranormal Activity 3
How dare you malign the masterpiece that is Deep Blue Sea??
Ok. A quick backstory on my hatred. So, a couple of friends of mine were reading it, and they kept discussing it when we were at parties. I didn’t want to be left out, so I asked them, “Is it good? Should I read it?” And they were like “Yeah. It’s great.” So I bought the first book. It wasn’t bad. I read the second book. Started to be kind of shitty. I asked them, “Does it get better?” “Oh yeah,” they said. “Definitely.” I read the third. Still shitty. “Trust us,” they said. “The 4th is really good.” The 4th was really good. At that point, I’m a finisher, and I’m over half-way through, so I figure I’ll finish it out. HOLY SHIT. The next three are some of the worst-written pieces of shit I’ve ever read in my life. After the 5th, which is like 1300 pages of nonsense I pleaded with my friends. “Tell me it’s all worth it” and they were like “Yeah, totally.” SPOILER ALERT: it wasn’t. At ALL.
It turns out my two friends hated it as well, they just wanted to force someone else to experience the misery in some sort of awful schadenfreude. Needless to say, I haven’t spoken to them in over 3 years.
Those parties sound wild.
That reminds me, Frank. You know what’s a great series? The Dark Tower. You should really read it.
Was one of those friends the Prankasaurus Rex, George Clooney?
it’s too bad he was in that car accident and started fearing his mortality and rushed thru the last three. wish he had just kept the one book every eight years pace and really thought about if he wanted himself to be a character. cringeworthy.
i’ve only finished the first three myself. i don’t know why i’m putting myself thru this knowing it’s going to disappoint.
Because it’s not and I’m totally those guys at Lawblog’s party and it’s good and just READ IT.
Maybe because everyone knows they can never make a better film than the Orson Welles version.
A Western-style movie about a gunslinger trying to save a dying world sounds awesome, and I have a soft spot in my heart for Stephen King movie adaptations in spite of Thinner and The Mist and Dreamcatchers and Secret Window and and and, and it’s nice to see a movie concept that’s a bit different from the norm and not a sequel or remake, so it’s really breaking my heart to pieces to hear the people who have read this series talk about how shit it is
I’m right with you, fatima. I was like “An epic fantasy western? Sounds awesome!” and believe me, I was even more heartbroken having wasted 100+ hours reading it.
The Dark Tower is an infrequent poster on Videogum who mostly posts when there is controversy and arguments, and who’s rare attempts to comment lightheartedly come off awkward and cumbersome.
The want to make Stephen King”s Bio-Dome instead.
Warner Brothers has forgotten the face of their father
Maybe Warner Bros. is saving their money for the Veronica Mars movie? Please?
Spoiler alert:
The main bad guy in the series turns out to be a senile god with grenades that are basically acknowledged in-story as being lifted from Harry Potter (the Quidditch balls, to be precise).
MORE SPOILERS!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!
Also, he basically looks like Bizarro Santa from Space Ghost.
Also, he is destroyed by AN AUTISTIC KID WHO ERASES HIM FROM A SKETCHPAD!
GOD I HATE IT SO MUCH
Okay, now I kind of want to read this.
No, you really really don’t.
The Dark Tower series is awesome. Maybe it’s not for everyone, and maybe it’s overly ambitious towards the end, and maybe the last three books were written too quickly and edited too little. But it’s still a pretty great seven-book series I think. It’s epic and it’s exciting and its protagonists are interesting characters.
Taking weird details out of context and pointing at their ridiculousness is sort of unfair, by the way. It’s a sci-fi/western/horror/fantasy, obviously it is going to have weird details. That goes with the territory.