Oh boy. So, congressional representative Todd Akin (R-MO), representing Missouri’s 2nd district, appeared on The Jaco Report, whatever THAT is, over the weekend and finally broke his legendary silence about the legality of abortion in cases of rape or incest. Hubbub ensues. (From now on, I am referring to all news, scandals, disagreements, political skirmishes, celebrity entanglements, and abortion debates as “hubbub.” Cool.) The majority of the fury is directed at a comment he made (video posted after the jump) about “legitimate rape,” inherently classifying some rapes as “illegitimate.” Yes. That’s bad news. Although what is clearly even more upsetting is the fact that there is anyone in the world who has any kind of opinion about abortion in the case of rape and incest other than YES, PLEASE, YOU DO YOU AND GOOD LUCK SURVIVING IN THIS WORLD OF PURE SUFFERING. You have just got to be kidding me. “What kind of cake do you want for your birthday party, Timmy?” “The kind where my mother wasn’t raped by my grandfather, creating me and sending her into a chronic, endless depression because every time she sees me she is reminded of the most horrible secrets of her life.” “Sooooo, Tonka Trucks?”

I was talking to a friend a few years ago about the abortion debate in general, and he helped to clarify the whole thing for me, which is that people who have the religious (or whatever) belief that life begins at conception genuinely do see abortion as legalized mass murder, so even if they are wrong, and even if you disagree whole-heartedly with them on a multitude of levels, you can at least wrap your mind around someone vehemently disagreeing with the institutionalization of what they consider to be mass murder. It’s true! I get that. I don’t agree with it at all, and am happy to mix it up on this subject, but the fundamental belief system behind it, however flawed, is at least consistent to some degree. One of the ways I disagree, of course, is that there are plenty of instances in which the “precious life” you believe you are protecting would not be precious in any way whatsoever, but rather a life doomed from the very beginning due to the impossibility of the careless “parents” of this precious baby being in any way capable of taking care of or providing for it, and in no situation is this more painfully evident than in cases of RAPE AND INCEST, so then it is like WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! Oh, it just burns me up. And while I am sure that there are lots of people of all colors and shapes and genitals who believe that abortion should be illegal in all cases, how come it does really seem to only be OLD WHITE MEN who get out there and make noise about this? Just hush it right up, old white men. Put a dick in it. Someone should rape Todd Akin’s face so that he is unable to talk about abortion on television anymore. (Hat tip to the brilliant Daniel Tosh on this last “joke.”) So, that’s the part that gets me is that anyone is even talking about the rape and incest thing in the first place. But wait until you hear WHY Todd Akin was referring to “legitimate rape.” It’s going to bother you!

Some doctors, and it could be any doctors, let’s just say most doctors, will tell you that in the case of LEGITIMATE RAPE, the woman’s body SHUTS DOWN ANYWAYS, so if you get pregnant from a so-called “rape” or “incest” it probably wasn’t even real and your body clearly WANTS THAT BABY! Holy moly. Like, it would have been so bad if this guy just went on TV and started talking about “legitimate” versus “illegitimate” rape, we all would have made a lot of hubbub out of that no matter what, but for him to explain the medical TRUTH behind pregnancy as proof of SEXUAL DESIRE just makes you really want to burn the whole house down. What good is this house if we can’t even fucking live in it?! (Via Gawker, BoingBoing, TheDailyWhat, Politico, GotchaMedia)

Comments (125)
  1. That guy has an engineering degree. Mull that over for a second.

  2. AS SOMEONE who’s had a FAMILY member to whom this is HAPPENED, I would like TO KNOW WHERE to write a kindly worded letter to MR. AKIN so he can KINDLY go FUCK HIMSELF right the FUCK over.

  3. He was probably just confusing ladies with female ducks: http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/12/muscovy-duck-sex/

  4. I realize that the female reproductive system might be mysterious to some, but you know, if you want to legislate my fucking ovaries, maybe you could, you know, read the fuck up on them.

    • Or at the very least check out some bullet points on WebMD, whatever.

    • And the doctors who told him that must be laughing their asses off right now and saying, “HOLY SHIT! HE THOUGHT I WAS BEING SERIOUS! A WOMAN CAN SHUT DOWN HER OVARIES IN TIMES OF RAPE?”

      One can only hope his next move is to lop off his own foot, since a doctor told him it will grow back.

    • My boyfriend does keep hopefully wishing that I had an On/Off switch. You know, like in The Sims, where you can either just Woo Hoo (for shits and giggles and oh yeah sexy time) or you can Try For A Baby.

      And honestly, why isn’t that panning out? Where’s the medical research for that On/Off switch to my ovaries? I’m sure these doctors are working on it, very diligently. Come on THESE DOCTORS. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

    • If this belief catches on, at least it will reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies in the US. Cause they clearly wanted it.

  5. Ahhh yes, I took a “human rights and the law” class in university (FELLAS) and heard about this nonsense there. In medieval times, people thought women’s genitals mirrored men’s internally, meaning women and men both had to have an orgasm in order to make a baby. These doctors he’s talking about are either time travellers from 1648 or they are “doctors” in the sense that they have PhDs in Archaic Pseudoscience. It would be sort of like if he started talking about the ways in which doctors can determine if a woman has used her witcheries to transform into a cat recently.

  6. I’m a practicing Buddhist, so I try to believe in and practice compassion. Each of us, no matter our nature or background, is flawed. Compassion comes from being able to see our shared flaws–even in a man like Todd Akin. Our shared failings, and our ability to recognize and rise above those failings, make us most fully human. That said, fuck this guy.

  7. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m a human being. And not a duck. At least, I don’t think I’m a duck. Last time I checked…

  8. *go away* *go away* *mmmmmmmmhmmmmm* Thinking good thoughts…like this:

    • THAT douchebag is THE opposite of good FUCKIN thoughts.

      • I was about to say… those are ONLY good thoughts until he opens his mouth or tweets. Even then… MUH.

      • If you’re so american and a patriot why are you dissing a gold medalist?

        • CAUSE NBC wouldn’t shut the FUCK up about his narrative as the NEXT MICHAEL fuckin Phelps EVERY FIVE seconds while I’M TRYING to watch the US OF GODDAMN A crush it in every OTHER CONCEIVABLE SPORT on the planet, but NO NBC wants to spend 5 MORE MINUTES dicking around with a fratty fuck THAT SPENDS 25 fucking grand ON A WHACK ass grill and GOES ON about his fuckin pissing in the POOL AND ONE night stands in the village WHILE OTHER competitors are performing FUCKING SUPER human feats–but since NBC CAN’T market their fucking backwards cap BRO LOOK, no one gives A SHIT OTHER than showing a 5 second goddamn CLIP late in the EVENING.

          AND DON’T even get me started ON THAT Women’s Final VBALL travesty.

          • I almost cried when the US lost to Brazil. AGAIN. I don’t wanna talk about it.

            Also, I would watch Lochte if he were the new Bachelor. Never watched that show in my life and I have to listen to my mother talk about it CONSTANTLY when it’s on air and I refuse to watch it.

            But that douchebag? As a Bachelor candidate? I’d watch that shit-show.

          • NBC’s coverage was the worst, but you should have streamed from other sources to avoid all that crap. Also that’s not gorgeous Ryan’s fault! but the WORST part of NBC’s coverage was Tom Brokaw’s offensive masturbatory piece about WW2. I get so sick of the fucking greatest generation shit and they didn’t really get into the whole antisemitism in Britain bit, did they? Just sort of skipped over that.

      • he’s pretty.


    seriously though, this makes my heart hurt. i want to show these men what true pain is. having people in power completely diminish the anguish of being sexually violated is pyschologically taxing. there is no excuse. college educated individuals should be smarter than this. i am sick and tired of waiting tables while these assholes control my rights. (sidenote, don’t live in d.c. if you don’t want to come across this type of asshole on the reg.)

  10. It also seems like an internal contraction to appeal to authority by saying “some doctors” say one thing but then not care about what doctors say when they are talking about WHEN LIFE BEGINS. (This is by no means the most infuriating part of this whole hubbub, but its one of the many infuriating parts!)

  11. What part of the female reproductive system exactly did these “doctors” tell him has sentience and judgement I wonder? Do my ovaries spend a lot of time having philosophical debates about the modern definition of consent in this scenario and trying to agree on a treaty to not drop an egg (watch out, I think the one on the right is a Tosh fan!). Or is it just like my cervix in general cast as a radfem bouncer at an all-female anarchist safe space meeting. Just wearin’ a sleeveless flannel vest and bouncin’ all the rapey-seeming sperm. “SAFE SPACE! Your kind is not allowed!”

    Please note: I retain animation rights to all my reproductive organs listed herein.

  12. I really don’t even know if my comments are funny or interesting or whatever I am just so very fucking pissed.

  13. Dude, being a lady is very confusing.

  14. Todd Akin is a legitimate creep.

  15. I would just like everyone to know: earlier this month (specifically the first Tuesday in August) I hauled my ass out of bed and drove all the way downtown JUST to cast a ballot against this guy.

    This is slightly disturbing though and hopefully his latest “spoutings” help change the climate of this thing:
    Conservative Republican challenger Todd Akin is 11 points atop incumbent Democrat Claire McCaskill, 51% to 40%. Akin leads 7:1 among Tea party members.

    McCaskill holds 80% of the Democratic base, compared to Akin, who holds 91% of the Republican base. Independents favor the Republican by 16 points. Akin leads materially among the less educated; McCaskill ties Akin among college graduates.

    Akin leads among rich and poor voters. Akin, who is a U.S. Congressman from suburban St. Louis, manages to come within 5 points of McCaskill in the Democratic stronghold of greater St. Louis. Elsewhere in the state, the Republican leads. McCaskill has a 10-point advantage among the youngest voters, but Akin leads among voters age 35+.


    • i read somewhere that our favorite videogum politico, pat buchanan, just released a book that outlines the republican strategy for the next handful of elections. and it was basically saying that the republicans are losing the demographic battle- everyone’s getting a lot more brown, a lot more educated, a lot more queer, a lot more female, and a lot more young- and that’s precisely the groups that they loose against. so realistically the republicans can only win as the party that they now are for a very finite amount of time before the numbers just don’t add up. so what they are basically doing is throwing an eviction party- the democrats will eventually ascend, so they are just trashing as much of the polity as the can before they are forced to regroup. so they are grabbing as much money as they can, privatizing as much public goods as they can, and disenfranchising the opposition as much as they can because the bigger hole they make, the harder it will be for the democrats (or whomever, because in my little fantasy world the democrats eventually split into a center and a left party) to restore bulwarks against unmitigated capitalism and restore things like even basic equality of opportunity to minorities.

      • i have this theory that if a couple of the more sexist/racist/homophobic generations die of than we will have something much better in government. it is less of a theory and more of a burning hope.

      • Althought it would be lovely to have a more left-leaning option, unless the right also breaks up you need to reconsider that dream… In Canada, the left leaning parties get about 60% of the vote, but the Conservatives have a majority because there is only one (legitimate) option on the right so they get to consolidate all the small “c” conservative votes within the big “c” Conservative party. It’s lovely to be able to vote for one of three legitimate left of the centre parties (I say legitimate because there are dozens of parties who are too small to ever have a chance at a seat), but if we only had the Liberals and the Conservatives we would have a near-constant Liberal government and although it wouldn’t be perfect we would be signifiantly better off than we are now. A multiparty system is the monkey’s paw of governments that don’t have proportional representation and coalition governments, basically.

        • oh, i’m willing to bet the farm that the republicans are going to split in the next 10 – 20 years. the grand coalition they built is completely collapsing, and what we’re witnessing here is the death spasms. they have run on a predatory relationship between their two main factions, the oligarchs and the dispossessed white working class, tying it together very tenuously with nationalism and religious fundamentalism, and that cannot work for very long. it will split between the tea party and the established fiscal conservatives. it’s just a matter of when. and i totally understand that having multiple parities is also complicated and problematic, and i think that we couldn’t even have multiple parties here without first addressing the electoral college, BUT i think that it would be super nice, especially at the local level, to be able to have a more nuanced debate and different policies to choose from.

          • “they have run on a predatory relationship between their two main factions, the oligarchs and the dispossessed white working class.”

            this is so spot on. but it is applicable to both parties, not just right.

    • Thank you for this. I am going to make sure the people I know in Missouri (I think just my cousin) are registered this fall to keep this jerk out of office.

      Also: THIS MAN IS A REP IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND IS SAYING THE SAME GARBAGE THERE. He also wants to repeal federally regulated voting and enact a mess of other awful stuff. This isn’t just some local Missouri weirdo trying to make it big. This is a House Republican who is trying to become a Senator. AHHHHHH!!!!!

  16. I also heard you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex.

  17. He’s on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology. In other news, I am going to drink forever (until I die) (in probably like three hours) (that or mail him all the farts)(but I might have tipped my hand by writing that)(whatever, I’ll be dead, I won’t care).

    • Oof, really, he’s on that committee? I will help you drink us dead. I think we can get this done by lunch. Remember how Ted “Series of Tubes” Stevens was the chair of the Internet Commerce committee? Or that idiot on the Energy committee (Joe Barton; I just googled it) who told a Nobel-Prize-winner that all his college-talk about plate tectonics and oil was a real hoot? Jiminy, why don’t we just put a kitten on the Robots committee and a bucket of sand on the Sex committee and Joan Rivers on the Total Serenity committee? (I am assuming these are all real committees.)

      • I’m not saying drinking yourself to death is a bad idea, I’m just saying we also need to reconsider the ice floe idea before they all melt away… or not as climate change is a myth, according to some House Republicans (this guy, very much this guy. HE SAYS IT ALL THE TIME).

  18. “McCaskill ties Akin among college graduates.”

    I’m guessing Akin’s supporters weren’t biology majors.

  19. What’s the science on whether or not a woman can get pregnant if she’s raped while wearing revealing clothes?

    • Well, duh, if she’s wearing revealing clothes then she clearly wanted it, and ergo it’s not rape and she is just a slutty slutty whore slut whore strumpet harlot whore. That’s just logic.

      • perhaps we should make a law requiring women to wear clothes that cover at least 85 percent of all skin at all times. that way we can stop asking to be raped with our clothing choice. in fact why don’t we make it so women must be accompanied by male family members at all times, otherwise some poor unsuspecting male might think they are asking to be raped for some other silly reason.

    • Well this is true because according to some doctors, women unconsciously wear whore clothing when they are ovulating. So obviously we are whoring it up when we are most likely to get pregnant because — duh — we all just want to be pregnant ALL THE TIME. So not only are we asking for it, but we’re waiting and hoping for it because no woman is complete without a baby.

  20. I just had a thought. He seems to be under the impression that vaginae are self-aware. Does that mean he thinks that they are skynet? Because if the tea party though that ladybits were skynet, their horrible terrible policies might make more sense. Also, it would explain my vagina’s tendency to go back in time and try to kill Sara Connor. I had been wondering about that, and my doctor just told me to eat more vegetables.

  21. “It couldn’t have been ‘legitimate rape’ your honor, the alleged victim became pregnant as a result. I move to have this case thrown out of court.”

    • can you imagine though? rapists having the ability to file injunctions against abortions and using the resulting pregnancy as evidence that they committed no crime? if we follow with the logic of this senator that is where we arrive. it’s so hilarious it’s INSANE.

    • You just blew my mind. I would love to have asked this guy if he thought a baby could be entered into evidence at a rape trial. I mean, he’d have to think that, right? Unless somehow he hasn’t really spent any time thinking? About his own ideas? That he plans to write laws based on? Nah…

      • who has time for thinking when you can just do whatever the fuck you want. no one from the house of representatives tips, and they expect to be catered to. he has a case of doritos level willful ignorance.

        • It would be kind of awesome if news reporters did stuff like interview waitresses to find out what our congresspersons are really like. Why the hell don’t they?

          • because then you would no longer have a job. my life is downton abbey.

          • *than, i forget to edit.

          • Write an article under a fake name for HuffPo or something, and change the names of the restaurants. Establish a Climate of Fear or even a Reign of Terror when all these idiots go out to eat, such that they are afraid to tip below 15% at least.

            (Sorry, this is the high-school-aged rebel idealist in me. He is still rattling around in the basement of my brain somewhere and occasionally shouts unsolicited advice from under a trap door.)

          • stuff like this reminds me what life was like before i had to pay for shit and i was able to live idealistically and had a job that actually mattered and helped others. but now i am a food prostitute…ummm, shots?

          • Shots all around.

  22. I’m late to all the hubbub, as usual.

    Good comments section, you guys.

  23. This man is bad at his job and he needs to be fired.

  24. When I was a kid, someone told me that babies breathe through the tops of their heads (that’s why their scalps are mushy) and I just kind of never questioned it and kept it as part of my worldview for years. My freshman year of college, I repeated this stupid fake factoid in front of friends and they made fun of me forever. But! I was not on TV, and I was not a politician, and my bad science didn’t reveal a latent, boiling hatred of babies.

    • My mother was infallible on a Pope level to me when I was a kid, so everything she ever said was just The Truth. She used to tell me so many ridiculous things that I never questioned until saying them out loud in my late teens and immediately being like “well, that sure wasn’t true.”

  25. Also, remember when Ron Paul was running for president and he used the phrase “honest rape”? Our country is scary, you guys.

  26. And guys, I don’t know if you saw the correction where he says he misspoke because he didn’t mean to say legitimate rape, but forcible rape? OH MY OVARIES HURT SO MUCH AT THIS DOUCHEBAGGERY.

  27. Legitimate, although probably quite stupid, question from a foreignor here; are most Republicans/conservatives just holding their noses on fuckwitted beliefs like this because they like the economics policies of the GOP that much? Or are they sincerely in agreement with this woman-hating crapola?

  28. So, all the millions of dollars, from women and their families who want to but can’t get pregnant, spent on any other method of fertilization (IVF, etc.) is just a waste? The “moralism” argument of “the sufferer is at least partly to blame” seems to point that way. Which, of course, is just so much standard bullshit.

  29. I can’t agree more with the sentiments expressed here. rape is rape, and a woman’s right to choose is a woman’s right to choose.

    i just got a little upset with gabe saying this guy should be raped (in his face/mouth?). I know it is probably meant to be funny and I am probably a humorless feminist, but I think it is wrong to use the word “rape” as a punchline, or as a metaphor for how much someone is wrong (which he obviously is) and how someone should shut up. Rape is hurtful, and seeing the word tossed around for the sake of rhetorics can be hurtful, too. At least that is my opinion, and I would like to hear yours.

    but otherwise – great writing, and thanks for addressing this asshole’s hateful bullshit.

    • ok, i am only now registering the obvious daniel tosh reference there. still that somehow doesn’t it make it feel right to me, or something. but I’ll stop whining and check in on the awesomest breaking bad review of the whole internets and that will make me feel so much better (I hope it has pictures of Jesse tearing up)

    • ALSO great Barth/DFW reference, yay!

  30. Damn it. Now I’m going to be at a meeting, with somebody going on and on about something important to them, and I’m going to start laughing inappropriately because, “Put a dick in it.”

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