This is just a great way to start the day AND get ready for the beach. We all have to make sacrifices, men and women. (And also boys ranging from 8-15.) Are push ups sacrifices? Let’s just say that they are.This isn’t 100 argues 4 purity. In order to get yourself right with God, just do 100 push ups a day, or no push ups whatsoever like that one dude who couldn’t even bring himself to do one goddamned push up 4 purity. Come on, dude! The lady who thanked, like, 10 different people for helping to make Push Ups 4 Purity a reality (sure) and then proceeded to not even do any push ups as far as I could tell, and what is a Beach Body Instructor anyways? But that lady said you could substitute in some exercises here and there if 100 push ups over the course of a day (which is not even that many push ups if you’re spreading them out, but OK, we all make sacrifices to look great in heaven and at the beach) seemed like too many push ups, as long as your intention was clear, but I don’t think she meant substitute other exercises for push ups before even doing any push ups. What kind of example is that setting for the CHILDREN? Although my other question would be why are the children doing push ups? They should be smoking weed and stealing cars! Did you HAVE to put that guy in the video? “You know, Jerry can’t even do any push ups, maybe we shouldn’t put him in the push up line for the Push Ups 4 Purity video since the video is suggesting people should do push ups for no apparent reason other than something to do with the inherent filthy evil of sex but he won’t even do one push up whatsoever.” “Are you kidding? Jerry is ESSENTIAL. Because life is precious, and God, and the bible.” “That’s why they call him One Take But Zero Push Ups Jerry.” “WRAP PARTY!” (Via ChristianNightmares.)

Comments (33)
  1. Hey, I was under the impression that the point of Push Ups for 4 Purity was to not do in and outs (gross lilbobbytables. you are gross).

  2. In and outs for purity sounds good to me.

  3. Happy Monday! Planet Earth is a nightmare, still!

  4. I’ve always felt that the best way to avoid impure thoughts and activities is to make sure everyone’s chests, arms, and backs are toned and muscular.

  5. Beach Body Instructor is kind of like a Bikini Inspector or Muff Diver – it’s just something funny you put on a t-shirt that’s like, a profession but ha ha it’s not really a profession if you catch my meaning. Ha ha it’s just really funny stuff and helps meet sexy chicks on the beach check out my site

  6. So someone explain this one to me. You want to do push ups for purity, and also so you look more attractive with less clothing on? How are both of those things the goal here?

  7. Hooray! It’s Gabe! It’s Gabe, it’s Gabe, hooray! Look, I missed you guys so much over the weekend so I’ve decided to have sex with all of you. Because! (Definitely not for purity!) You are all great and fun, which is something that I find attractive! Sexually so! But, actually, now that I think about it, at least some of you are not my type, so I don’t want to have sex with THOSE types; let’s be fair. Like, you’re probably pale and fat and acne-ridden, and you smell and I hate your politics! Why are you always on the computer? Do you work? Is that a hair coming out of your face mole? Your shoes are stupid. Are you crippled? I don’t need some mongoloid drooling all over me, you disgusting pervert! So, after strenuous deliberation over the past length it took me to write this comment (thanks, coffee), I have decided I only want to have sex with the versions of you I have in my head. Because that would be better. Because you’re all gross.

  8. I know i shouldn’t find the misfortune of children funny, but those kids complaining about the difficulty of the push ups towards the end of the video made me laugh – a lot.

  9. Those two need to just give in to their obvious sexual attraction and do it already.

  10. Nothing says “celibacy” and “purity” better than getting on the ground, grunting and moving your waist back and forth!

  11. I thought push up bras were required for this particular exercise until i realised they were a much more effective substitute for it. Now i’ll wash it and put it back in my girlfriend’s drawer…

  12. When I was young and sweet and in love with teeny bop stars and angsty poetry, I watched the movie “Total Eclipse” about Arthur Rimbaud starring Leonardo Dicapprio and there’s a bit where he’s having him some gay sex and at first it looked like they were doing push ups together and we thought it was the funniest thing we’d ever seen because we were like 12.

    So not only are push ups inextricably linked with sex, but they are linked with sinful artsy fartsy misunderstood poet French GAY sex. Try something more appropriate next time, like squat thrusts 4 purity.

    • Or maybe, in push up sex, the push up and sex parts cancel each other out ? So you can sodomize french poets without going to hell ?

      • Very interesting. I have a friend from Iran who explained to me once how when Ahmadinejad says there re no homosexuals in Iran he’s sort of technically right because Persians don’t consier it gay as long as you’re a “top”. And you can consider yourself a top if you’re a top some of the time. So basically every gay man in Iran can say he’s just a straight dude who likes to fuck other straight dudes and there’s no problem with that. Push ups are just the American version of this rule, I guess?

        • Unless your knees touch the ground whilst doing push ups… then you’re definitely gay.. whether or not there’s a body between yours and the floor… official ruling of the Push up federation of the universe

  13. “What is a Beach Body Instructor anyways?”

    Obviously SOMEBODY isn’t familiar with a Mr. Tony Horton, because that SOMEBODY most like hasn’t illegally downloaded P90X and done four and a half of the 90 workouts and then that SOMEBODY didn’t start to feel awful about his/her physical form and then illegally download the 10 Minute Workout only to do four and a half days of that 30 day program!

    C’mon get with it Gabe.

  14. Kegels 4 Purity. Am I doing this right?

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