Where has all the time gone? It seems like just eight hours ago I was strapping myself in for what has turned out to be, well, basically the craziest eight hours of my life. There I was, this naive, pantsless, and unshaven young upstart from Cleveland who thought he knew everything, sitting down at my laptop to take the reins at what is easily one of the top (Note to Kelly: Please insert appropriate number here as I honestly have no idea) [Ed Note: Not sure but if I had to guess I would say 5.] most popular websites on the entire Internet (including Canada. Fuck it- especially Canada!). I was just a kid then, dammit. And what was I thinking with hair? And- as long as we’re on the topic- what happened to all the duct tape, cough syrup, and Nilla Wafers?!
Anyway, if someone would have told me that I’d still be sitting here somewhere around 6pm EST guest editing the fuck out of Videogum (this website), I would have told them they were a goddamn crazy person (I would have also tried to make out with them, but that’s my own hangup that honestly has little or nothing to do with any of this). And yet I’m still here, a bit older and wiser, sure, but still every bit that hungry kid with the remnants of morning wood who reported for duty this morning, a time that somehow feels a world away to me now.
Did everything go as I’d hoped or planned today? Yes and no. I mean, did I get to use the F-word as much as I wanted and not even get in trouble for it or anything? Totally. Did I get to finally write a hasty and nearly 800-word entry on the Robin Byrd Show and the impact it’s had on my monthly cable bill? You know it. Did I do those things and a lot of other things today while wearing a sea captain’s uniform from the waist up? You’re damn right I did.
And for those things I’m grateful. But even so, it’s hard not to wonder whether I really succeeded in guest editing the fuck out of this website to the level I’d hoped, that magical, magical level where Gabe returns to work Monday only to find out that his ass has been fired, he will never have sexual intercourse again, and also there is a new sheriff in town and his name is Dave Hill (me). I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s just a waiting game at this point.
But, the fact is, maybe it didn’t have to be a goddamn waiting game. I mean, would it have killed me to talk about that Breaking Bad show (or maybe some of the other popular shows I’ve never seen) in some capacity while I was here? Or should I have talked about a movie that is in theaters right now or something, maybe even one that stars that Robert Pattinson guy (Is he the one that just got raped by that Kristen Stewart? Is that what even happened? Again, it’s these sort of questions that lead me to think I may have been ever so slightly unqualified at captaining this ship today)? And did I have to do all of the cocaine already? These are just a few of the questions that rattle around my head as I type this, mocking me, giving me the finger, and just being total dicks when it comes right down to it.
What really matters here, however, is just one thing- I had a nice time. And I hope you did too. Also, did you see that one video of the little goat that’s on the Internet? What happens is there are a bunch of goats but then there is this one goat who is basically out of his fucking mind, running around, jumping over all the other goats and sometimes even just imaginary stuff that only he can see. Also, he jumps on top of some other goat twice and knocks his ass completely over and the other goat doesn’t do a goddamn thing about it basically because it’s like, fuck it, Why mess with some obviously fucking insane goat? And this all happens in just, like, a minute of footage! I can’t imagine all the other crazy shit that must have happened when the camera was off. I mean, if this is the kind of shit that crazy motherfucking goat pulls while he’s being videotaped, imagine the fucking no-holds-barred kind of shit he must get up to when the cameras are off. I honestly don’t even want to think about it because it seriously stresses me out too much. Anyway, watch the video below and see what I’m talking about. It’s like Where did this fucking goat come from, am I right? Also, I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this all day, but I wrote a book and I want you to buy it. I’m saving up for a goat for myself and, with any luck, he will get up to all sorts of crazy shit too. And even if he only got up to, like, half the crazy goat in the video does, he would still basically be the best goat ever. Seriously watch the video- it’s 100% fucking nuts.
Together we can make a difference,