Photos
I have to admit that I was a little nervous about taking on this whole “guest editor” thing, not because I’m not totally sweet at guest editing (cuz I am), but because recently I made a tough decision to downgrade my cable service. And- this being a site about movies and TV and all that- well, I’m sorry, but that’s just a hard thing to admit to all of you right now.
Wait, wait- hear me out.
“But, Dave, why would a famous millionaire like you ever have to downgrade anything? Clearly yours is a life of upgrades at every turn” you scream like a goddamn crazy person?
Well, of course you do, because it is a life of upgrades at every time for me, even in public restrooms (I swear it just don’t stop with me). But the fact is I started noticing something recently- every time I turned on my TV it was tuned into Manhattan Time Warner Cable’s Channel 35. If you use the same cable service, you know that that’s not just the sexiest channel on Time Warner Cable, but it’s also- I am mildly ashamed to say- the sex channel. Not porn really, mind you, but just, you know, skanky, skanky sex.
For the most part, Channel 35 (Note: I’m guessing there’s a more official name for it, but I have no idea what that might be) airs commercials for still-operating escort services and massage parlors as well as no-longer-working sex hotlines (I know this is true because I called all of them to see which ones are still working. After all, I am a journalist and I needed some goddamn answers. This I did for you). But Channel 35 is best known, of course, for The Robin Byrd Show, which- in case you haven’t watched it every night for a really long time like I have at various points in my sad New York life- is pretty much a talk show, only instead of having actors and stuff on as guests, they have porn stars and strippers on to talk about everything and nothing at all. Also, they take their clothes off, which is great. In short, it’s the best, best show. It airs every night but I don’t think a new episode has been taped in twenty years, which almost makes it better because everyone knows porn stars and strippers had much better hair back then. And- not to be gross- but I mean all the hair.
Getting back to my cable downgrade, however, I realized that I- like a lot of people in these modern times- had taken to watching most of my non-porn star and stripper-related television on the Internet instead. So basically my monthly cable bill all went to paying to have Robin Byrd and her open-minded/not-exactly-opposed-to-good-times-all-the-time friends keep me company while I washed the dishes, did a shitload of crunches, or slowly drifted off to sleep, where I’d inevitably dream we (meaning Robin and her clothes-hating pals) were all real life friends. Reluctantly, I called Time Warner Cable one day and told them to bring it down their barest of bare bone plans. Oh, sure, they tried to talk me out of it, but dammit I wouldn’t take no for an answser and they eventually gave in.
As I sit here typing this, I have about as many channels on my cable service as whatever you get when you stay in a really shitty hotel (and I would know). Basically, it comes down to all the major networks, C-Span, Telemundo, PBS, and then that one channel with the irritable old nun who is somehow on all the time. Oh, and I also get Channel 35. In short, life is crazy but sometimes everything all totally works out perfectly. It turns out that irritable old nun was right, the more I think about it.
Unfortunately, I can’t post videos of anything that would really show you what’s so darn great about that Robin Byrd Show, so you’ll just have to settle on this video I found on YouTube in which Robin gives instructions on how to use a dental dam (Yes, the show has a message sometimes too. After all, what good is all that frosting if you don’t ever get a little cake along with it. And so what if it’s really, really skanky cake? Cake, like pizza and explosives, is still always pretty good no matter what and you can ask anybody). Watch it now and see if you still have your job by the time this video finishes.
Just doing my part,
Dave Hill
P.S.
If this posting didn’t satisfy whatever urge you might have for sleaze, please read my friend Giancarlo Ditrapano’s disturbing review of the few remaining Times Square(ish) porn video booths here. Also, remind me to never shake that guy’s hand again.
 |
 |
Leave a Reply
Sign inSign in with FacebookYou must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.
I love you, Dave Hill.
Thanks, Godsauce!
Dave Hill, you are not safe for work!
I know! That’s why I ain’t got a job!
Well, I tried to upvote you Facetaco, but VG keeps telling me that your comment doesn’t exist. ARE YOU GHOSTFACETACO?
Nope, because I was fired for reading about naked people, and now I cannot afford to live, so I died. Dave Hill killed me. Totes worth it, though.
Dave Hill, 800 plus words on Robin Byrd and not one reference to “Baby, Let Me Bang Your Box?” Shame on you.
You raise a good point, Frank. But dammit, I’m under the gun! I feel like Lou Grant over here. This guest editor business is hard! Plus- aside from the part where she fakes getting her eye poked out by a nipple or a donger, I hate that song. But I realize that’s not your point. You are right.
Hey, at least you’ve got Kelly to help carry the burden. Back in my day, guest editors had it really rough!
It’s true. But you gotta understand- I don’t even have a goddamn microwave!
You should totally get one. I have a microwave, and I use the fuck out that thing!
Apologies, but this post stimulated a needed vent session:
Fuck Comcast.
Upon figuring out that they arethe only provider of internet/cable to my apartment (cool apartment; hashtag firstworldproblems), Comcast decided to jack up my total internet/cable bill by 40%. I negotiated with a real person. I negotiated with a chatbot. I negotiated with several people that may have been people but may have been bots. They were willing to offer me a few bucks here or there but not enough. So I cancel cable.
But they are giving me 5 days to return the cable box/remote to a Comcast location nowhere near where anyone lives in this city–I bet it’s on the 25th floor with no stairs–and get this, because I’m cancelling cable they’re
1. charging me a change-of-service price (for a downgrade!)
2. jacking up my internet price so I’m paying the same I was before for internet+cable for just internet.
Fuck Comcast.
I actually have not had cable for over a year and a half, just because I REFUSE to use Comcast and there are no other providers available in my area.
We need to take back the night on these mofos!
How many crunches are we talking?
This is Dave Hill we’re talking about. If he told us how many, we would all give up, because we could never live up to that shit.
It’s, like, a LOT of crunches.
The Robyn Bird show is kind of like HBO’s Real Sex. A titillating show about sexi tymes starring people you never want to see having sex ever.
And that, my friend, is life in a nutshell.
http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi1344183833/