Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: hey kelly
Kelly: What’s new?
Gabe: hmmm
Gabe: new
Gabe: new new new
Gabe: uhhhhhhhhh
Gabe: new new new new new
Kelly: Uhoh are you broken
Gabe: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Gabe: new
Gabe: let me think
Kelly: :-/
Gabe: nothing
Kelly: Oh.
Gabe: well, good talk
Kelly: No news is good news. Have a good night!
Gabe: always great catching up with you
Kelly: Back at ya
Kelly: You didn’t ask me what was new with me, but if you were to ask I would’ve told you that I just found out that my Kindle is broken.
Gabe: that’s more about what’s old with you
Gabe: your kindle
Gabe: is old
Gabe: ?
Kelly: :(
Gabe: that’s so sad, and right when you were going to find out

Kelly: Don’t even remind me, I’m already sad enough.
Kelly: Please do not spoil it for me in case I ever get another eReader.
Kelly: Speaking of books, Joan Rivers has a book. Have you read it?
Gabe: sure
Gabe: no
Gabe: wait, no
Kelly: Sure or no?
Gabe: i misunderstood what you said
Gabe: i thought you said
Gabe: speaking of books, joan rivers has a book, will you never read it?
Kelly: Haha, oh, all right.
Gabe: i like joan rivers
Gabe: but i hate books
Gabe: so choices have to be made
Kelly: That’s just life, I guess.
Kelly: That’s why she made Joan Rivers: Piece Of Work.
Kelly: For you
Gabe: Joan Rivers: Piece Of Work: A Memoir Movie
Gabe: i mostly won’t read her book because i only shop at costco
Gabe: that is where i buy my meat and bullets and books
Kelly: Ahhh, that further explains it.
Kelly: Since Costco has banned Joan Rivers book it would be impossible for you to buy it anyway
Kelly: Unless
Kelly: Of course, this is unless
Kelly: You were at the Burbank Costco the other day where she was selling her book herself in protest and got escorted out by police?

Gabe: that’s how you do it
Gabe: that’s how Charles Dickens and John Grisham got their start
Kelly: Grassroots publicity stunts are the key to any major literary success
Kelly: Her book has also been on the NYT bestseller list for the past 6 weeks
Gabe: hahahahha
Gabe: oh joan
Gabe: i feel like there are a lot of throw pillows in her golden penthouse
Gabe: that say, like, “breathe” and “relax”
Gabe: and she is just constantly turning them over in disgust
Gabe: so she cannot see what they say
Kelly: hahah
Kelly: That sounds right.
Gabe: i feel like everyone is at least a little scared of dying
Gabe: some people more or less so
Gabe: and as you get older you at least come to some kind of terms with it
Gabe: but watching joan rivers hustle
Gabe: makes me more scared of dying
Gabe: she gives me a contact high but for existential panic
Kelly: Oh, sure, I can see that.
Kelly: For me, watching Joan Rivers hustle only makes me scared of not having anyone to keep me from being crazy in public when I am elderly
Kelly: Put me in room and DO NOT give me a smartphone
Gabe: but she’s not being crazy
Gabe: she’s about as calculated as they come
Kelly: She is acting unhinged in a way that is unflattering, I think, even though it is certainly a calculated publicity stunt
Gabe: you’re just ageist
Gabe: i’m sure if your favorite band
Gabe: My Chemical Romance
Gabe: pulled a stunt like this
Gabe: you’d love it
Gabe: i don’t think she’s unhinged, i do not agree with this reading
Kelly: Well, ok, I was wrong to link her being unhinged to her age
Kelly: I didn’t mean that the age led to the unhinged
Gabe: i think she is perpetually for her whole life and now as much as ever
Gabe: desperate for something that doesn’t exist
Gabe: and willing to do anything to get it
Gabe: but can’t get it
Gabe: because it’s a figment of her own imagination

Kelly: And is that not unhinged?
Gabe: no
Gabe: everything she does is with a very clear and obivous purpose
Gabe: what’s unhinged about her?
Gabe: you can say that you find her behavior unflattering
Gabe: but that doesn’t make her behavior unhinged
Gabe: personally i don’t find it unflattering, just mildly upsetting
Gabe: because i want her to get what she wants but i also know that she never will
Kelly: Well her book has been a bestseller since it was released.
Kelly: Clearly that is not what she wants since she still put on this publicity stunt, but the desperate grasping for something that, like you said, will never exist
Kelly: It seems unhinged in a way that often people grasping for a hold on their last bits of their fame seem to become unhinged
Gabe: ok, but here is why i still do not know why you keep using that word
Kelly: Well
Kelly: To be honest I used that word first because I didn’t know we’d be debating about it for a long time.
Gabe: i don’t think she’s holding on to her last bit of fame
Gabe: if anything she’s in a moment of resurgence
Gabe: her book is on the best seller list
Gabe: she was on louie
Gabe: everyone loved that not-totally-flattering-but-fascinating-and-compelling documentary about her
Gabe: and i don’t think this publicity stunt is something she would never have done in the past
Gabe: i think it’s all of a piece
Gabe: you keep saying that word, though, you have never backed away from that word!
Gabe: it’s the only word you know
Kelly: Well I feel like I have to keep saying it because it’s what we’re talking about!
Gabe: and actually, here is why i think you’re being ageist
Kelly: UGH
Kelly: I am so sorry
Kelly: I said the thing about when I am an old lady
Gabe: hahahaha
Gabe: but i think that’s exactly what you meant!
Kelly: Oh do you

Gabe: i think there is something about this that bothers you
Gabe: because you don’t think old people should act this way
Gabe: or you think it’s particularly unbecoming
Gabe: when she does it because of her age
Kelly: No I don’t think people people should act this way.
Gabe: yes, of course
Gabe: but
Gabe: i think this has more impact
Gabe: on you
Kelly: I don’t think it’s flattering to have to make something you’ve worked on into a forgotten publicity stunt
Gabe: well wait, now what are we even talking about
Gabe: a forgotten publicity stunt?
Gabe: i mean, the book is still the book
Gabe: and it is still on the best-seller
Kelly: Right
Kelly: I just mean that I don’t think this Costco thing is going to go down in history as an “oh that joan, what a card” moment.
Kelly: I think, like, TMZ is going to talk about it and then everyone is going to forget
Gabe: you’re being very weird about this
Gabe: but i think it’s because we are circling the same idea
Gabe: which is that there is something in joan rivers’ unapologetic and unrelenting desire for attention that makes us uneasy
for me it makes me uneasy because what i see it as is an unending source of sadness and disappointment
Gabe: for you it makes you uneasy because you think publicity stunts should stand the test of time and that all old people are “unhinged”
Kelly: oh jesus
Gabe: “if only her publicity stunt wasn’t such a throwaway stunt, and had been built to last, like Improv Everywhere.”
Kelly: I quit!
Gabe: i accept your chat of resignation
Gabe: happy 23rd birthday
Gabe: good luck in law school!

Comments (27)
  1. Guys, I don’t want to speak out of turn, but I think Joan Rivers might of had some work done.

    • “of” is a preposition. “have” or “‘ve” is an auxiliary verb. How do people confuse these two?

      - a flabbergasted non-native speaker.

      • It’s because people always say “might’ve,” “must’ve,” and “could’ve” but they rarely seem to write it. And “of” is spoken as “uv.,” just like the “‘ve” in those words.

        • I knew that. Still, it just seems odd to me because the sentence doesn’t make any sense. It’s about as weird as saying “I could care less” when, in fact, you couldn’t.

  2. That was a roller coaster. But enjoyable nonetheless. Nay, it was enjoyable NEVERTHELESS. As in it will never get old. Unlike Joan.

  3. going into a Costco and trying to sell your own book is like going on a pop-culture blog to do a live interview to promote a really awful movie you made 9 years ago. sad…..just. sad.

  4. The only good reason to get kicked out of a Costco is that you tried to make three square meals out of samples in a single day.

  5. Wait, Joan Rivers has a book out? I really need to get that google alert.

  6. And that’s what she wore to her protest? Terrible!

  7. I think both theories might be correct. Her hustle is therapy for her lack of hinge.

  8. I will always love Joan for Girl Most Likely To

  9. That was like when your mom and dad fight and dad makes mom look like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and then mom gets frustrated but she just accepts it because “let’s not fight in front of the kids!”…

  10. More like Moan Rivers.

  11. Gabe is right, Kelly is wrong. Imagine being talented but saddled with a Richard Heene-level desperation for acknowledgement. That’s not ‘unhinged.’ That’s calculated and desperate. That’s Joan Rivers.

    She’s one of those people (see also Jiro Dreams of Sushi) that truly might die if it weren’t for the work. She can’t be separated, even in her most private moments, from the overblown job of being Joan Rivers. That’s what makes her so counterintuitively lovable.

    • I don’t really understand why what makes Robin Williams seem obnoxious and exhausting to a lot of people makes Joan Rivers endearing. Is it because she’s totally unapologetic about her need for validation? Because she’s a woman or she’s old (or both) and so there’s more of a “let’s root for the underdog” thing going on? I’m not saying that I don’t find Robin Williams exhausting but I also find him immensely sympathetic because he wears his flaws so openly. Maybe it’s just a matter of time until someone makes a documentary about him and he gets his own resurgence.

  12. I just spoke with someone the other day who very recently ran into Joan Rivers in a lobby where she was going about her business, and she apparently was very friendly and affable like she needed attention or somethin’.

  13. Apparently Joan Rivers is going to be in my office tomorrow afternoon to shoot something for her reality show (she has a reality show? of course she does!). This is one time that I’m glad I work nights.


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