“I don’t know that I would even say that I know what I look for in a man, because if you say what it is that you think you’re looking for, then you’re potentially eliminating the possibility to meet all these other great people who don’t fit your criteria. If I knew what I was looking for, I would like to think that I would have found it by now, so maybe I don’t even know who the right person for me is. There are definitely characteristics I like and dislike, and there are a few that are total dealbreakers for sure, but I try to keep an open mind. That being said, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I do know that one thing I really enjoy in a man, and this isn’t, like, a MUST, so if the next guy I’m with isn’t like this, I’m sure he’ll be great in other ways, but ideally, I really like a man who if we were to get married and divorced and then years after our separation I was to hire a local hit man for an embarrassingly low rate to assassinate my ex-husband, I want him when the plan falls apart and my hit man turns federal on me and the plan blows up in my face and the reporters descend on his house, I want him to be so chill about it. I want him to talk about it like it’s Friday afternoon traffic. I want him to talk about it like it’s a takeout dinner. Oooh, I just love that quality in a man!”

- You

That’s your assassination target! (Via BuzzFeed.)

Comments (24)
  1. I feel like the fact that he is so chill about this is somehow linked to his familiarity with the going rate for a competent hit man.

  2. I really hope the FBI makes it a habit of revealing terrible news like it’s a question on a game show.

    FBI: “This person hates you. Remember, answer in the form of a question.”

    Beardy McChill up there: “Um, who is my ex?”

    FBI: “THAT IS CORRECT! You win a foiled murder for hire plot!”

    • Even though he’s a used car salesman, I feel like his first guess should have been his ex-wife. He just looks like a guy who would have a horrible relationship with any ex.

  3. What was she thinking, $2k can’t even get you the new MacBook Pro Retina.

  4. Damn, man! Stop standing around and jawing at the camera and start making toys. It’ll be December 24th before you know it.

  5. Great to see Walter’s still doing well, wonder if him and the Dude are still bowling

  6. The hit man had every intention of doing the job, but somehow he found himself walking away from the used car lot with the receipt for a skidoo and the job undone.

  7. Wasn’t this more or less the plot of The Whole Nine Yards? I’d be pretty chill, too, if I knew that Matthew Perry was playing me in the movie.

  8. Guys! Let’s play a game: sweat stain or terrible shirt pattern? Place your bets.

  9. My boss’ wife has offered me 10k to kill him, and he just bitched her out for overpaying.

  10. And here I thought someone was trying to assassinate Chill

  11. Listening to George Cascone describe an encounter where he was nearly assassinated one can’t help but understand, as perversely as it might seem why he was the potential target of an assassination attempt on his life. The man breathes cooler than thou, his whole demeanor reeking of ‘yeah, so I might be a bad ass so why not take your chances.’

    http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/08/meet-the-worlds-chillest-potential-assassination-victim/

  12. he’s all like, “where’d you get that hit man, whores for less?”

  13. Kenny Powers in 25-30 years?

  14. GOOD HELP IS HARD TO FIND.

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