When I was a child, I desperately wanted to change my name to either Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake. Both great names! Rainbow Brite is certainly a more “ordinary” name than Strawberry Shortcake, but they’re both beautiful in their own ways and I am still on the path to forgiving my parents for not allowing what would’ve been a life-changing — FOR THE BETTER — adjustment to my given name. I’m sure the decision to forbid this change was rooted in some belief that giving your child whatever they want, forever giving in to even their most reasonable demands, would throw off their ability to grow into kind, generous, patient, understanding, and reasonable adult humans. I guess? I still don’t really get it, mostly it makes no sense. But SHOCKING video evidence was recently released PROVING that when parents give their kid whatever they want, even if it’s super ridiculous and actually seems very dangerous, EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FINE AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY AND EVERYONE IS SURE THAT THEIR PARENTS CARE ABOUT THEM AND NO ONE IS SAD FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

But, well, really, maybe you should put at least a helmet on your daughter while you’re making all of her dreams come true? Not to rain on the parade! But also maybe you should put arm and knee pads and like a neck brace just to make sure that in case she falls off she doesn’t get hurt? And maybe put a bunch of pillows all over the lawn? Just some safety precautions. I mean, you’re doing great! I don’t want to take anything away from what you’re doing! It seems so fun! But maybe also just put her to bed? She seems tired. Carry her to her bed and tuck her in and put pillows on the floor next to her bed in case she falls out at night. Babies are fragile, I think! Good job, dad! (Via Gawker.)

Comments (30)
  1. Where’s her zebra supposed to sit?

  2. I don’t know, Kelly. If Louie has taught me anything, it’s that if you give your kid whatever they want, they’ll end up pooping in the bath tub.

  3. The positive message here is that the dad decided he wasn’t going to play Roller Coaster Tycoon 4 anymore and wanted to build his own backyard roller coaster. And that kid is just enjoying the ride.

  4. So at what age do you start screaming as you go down the big drop? Ten? She screams at the end of the ride, but is otherwise eerily silent.

    • I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty sure I don’t scream going down the big drop because I hold my breath in terror. Fun terror, but terror nonetheless.

      • I have some ranting to contribute:

        I’ve had dads. Dads who say they can’t go on roller coasters because they get nauseous or lightheaded afterward. And I keep thinking a number of things. 1. Isn’t that the point? To get nauseous and lightheaded afterward. Isn’t that why you did coke in the 80s? To get nauseous and lightheaded afterward. 2. I’m sorry, you get “nauseous” and “lightheaded” you ADULT MAN WHO WON’T GO ON THE RIDE WITH ME AND THEREFORE I CAN’T GO ON A RIDE WITHOUT AN ADULT. I donate blood several times a year and I get nauseous and lightheaded when the needle goes in, but I recover, because I’m doing it for someone else so it is worth it. 3. Why did my mom choose to marry such wimpy men?

        Thank you.

        • Excerpt from my fan fiction version of Diary of a Wimpy Kid 4: Wimpsicle.

        • If you’re old enough to donate blood, you’re old enough to ride a damn roller coaster by yourself.

        • Ugh what made me sad about this is that mommy probably chose to marry such a wimp because he was probably really into roller coasters when he’s younger but he’s old now and so roller coasters probably hurt. I know this because I’m old now and “have to take a break” between roller coasters.

  5. Six Flags Overindulgent

  6. I really feel like this whole thing is a not-so-subtle jab at Kate.

  7. When I was a kid, I wanted to build a go-cart to race down the hill we lived on. My dad had mentioned he’d done that when he was a kid, and I’d seen Little Rascals, so it was feasible. But when I asked my dad for help, he said, “Keep your eye out for discarded baby carriages. They have the best wheels.” This led me at age 9 to scour our neighborhood for old baby carriages put out with the trash, but apparently people didn’t do that as much as they did back in 1928 or whenever my dad was a kid. So what I did then was me and a friend climbed the fence to get into the town dump, where we spent the day throwing rocks at the hulks of old cars, and we found a dead dog that we poked with a stick, and then we got chased by a guard dog and had to run back to the fence. Eventually, a neighbor actually did throw out a baby carriage, but it had only two useful wheels. So I never built a go-cart, and my childhood was a mixed bag.

    It never occurred to me that with two wheels, I could have built a bicycle.

  8. WHY IS THE CURVE RIGHT NEXT TO THE TREE???? It wasn’t dangerous enough for her to potentially fall onto the ground? We have to put the tree in the mix?

    Speaking of kid’s names and names that you’d think kids would like, I once met a girl whose name – the one her parents gave her, the one on her birth certificate – was Cinderella. She hated it so much, because everyone at school made fun of her about it, she actually had it legally changed to Cindy. I guess my point is for every little girl who wishes her name were Rainbow Brite there’s another little girl out there named Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii who contemplates parricide.


    • I had a dream about him last night. Actually it was more like this morning and for some of you, this afternoon.

      The dream I had last night was that the Cain Train still existed, was a real train, and was going to Hogwarts. We had to defeat Voldemort, but I can’t remember who that was… Herman Cain was a Snape-like figure.

      The lesson is DO take Benadryl before bed.

  10. This is a case of child abuse. That baby is shakin’ all over the place.

  11. I pride myself on being able to tell a Gabe post vs a Kelly post very quickly without looking at the tag. But I gotta admit I was stumped by the first sentence in this one.

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