I know we never even asked for anything like a zebra and couldn’t have a zebra because I mean even though we did have a backyard and it was probably big enough for a zebra we didn’t have a cage or anything and I don’t know if they have to be in a particular climate or need to have some special kind of stuff to eat or I don’t know what and it’s not like we had any other animals that the zebra could play with other than the dog and I don’t even know if zebras and dogs make good friends or anything like that but like I just thought birthdays were supposed to be like special days for a person and I thought their dads were supposed to get them gifts to show them that the loved them you know not just gifts that were stupid, and like I’m not trying to sound ungrateful but I don’t know I feel like if you really cared about me you just would’ve spent a little more time thinking about what would’ve been a perfect birthday present to get me and it just kind of ruins everything and BRETTANY GOT A ZEBRA FOR HER BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Oh, he was in commercials too? Oh, you feel really excited and really special because no one else has a zebra? I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU, BRETTANY, I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY CONGRATS ON THE DUMB ZEBRA WHO EVEN CARES. (Via Abroath.)

Comments (50)
  1. The fuck you even gonna do with a zebra? You’re a kid! Look at it every day for 2 weeks and then get bored and just leave it out there alone forever?

  2. Now that she has a zebra she can, um…I got nothing. Why would having a zebra be cool again?

    • because you don’t. that’s why.

      • It’s kind of (but not really) like when a girl in my (suburban) high school tried to make everyone jealous of her family’s chickens. No. I am not jealous of your chickens. I have been in chicken coops and they are disgusting. I just feel great pity for your neighbors.

        The best part was there were no chickens. The chickens were a lie to boost her cred. Because apparently if there is one thing to make 15 year olds stand in awe, it is chicken ownership.

    • They look like horses but they make kind of a chirping squeal when agitated. What’s not boss about that?

  3. I heard that that zebra’s favorite Jack White band is The Dead Weather because he’s above obvious punchlines.

  4. I bet she’s as jealous of my dad’s regular dad (non-ponytail) haircut as we are of her zebra.

  5. oh yeah? well my mom died and we bought a zoo.

  6. There’s a market for rescue Zebras? Also the dad has the same haircut as my best friend in 1987.

  7. She got a zebra? All I got was this lousy okapi.

  8. I am too confused to be jealous, to be honest. Why a zebra? Is it even legal to own a zebra? Are zebras fairly calm and good pets, or is this going to end up like the news stories where the pet chimp eats its owner in a fit of pique? Can you ride a zebra? Would you want to? Why not just get a goat? Goats are adorable and they prance and sometimes even faint. That seems much more sensible.

  9. My only two significant thoughts while watching this video:

    “Wait, her dad is David Beckham?”

    “Holy shit, look at that donkey’s penis!!”

    • PS, am I the only one who thinks Posh Spice has put the Becks in speech therapy? He used to sound like a Monty Python sketch, these days he’s like a member of Her Majesty’s secret service.

      PPS, can we get a NSFW tag for that donkey’s penis???

      • I had no patience for this amateur video, so I kept sliding it ahead a few seconds. I too stopped on the redneckish David Beckham and the donkey penis, which made me wonder where the zebra’s penis is (the donkey’s penis made me wonder that, not David Beckham). Is the zebra a girl? Can a donkey and a zebra get it on? Then I wondered if you could saddle up a zebra and ride it like a horse. That might be kind of cool Is that cruel? If it’s good enough for horses, why not this zebra?

        This post narrowly sets the record for the most times I’ve used the word “penis” in a single paragraph.

  10. One time we got Kelly a bid for her birthday. It didn’t end well.

  11. I see a real live giraffe in this girl’s future.

  12. I think it’s fairly obvious that the dad is the one who wanted a zebra and used his kid’s birthday as an excuse to get one. Kind of a genius move. You get a pet zebra and you get to be the dad who got his daughter a zebra.

  13. …Brettany?

  14. I’ll trade her for my goose that lays golden eggs.

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