It’s funny how life is kind of the same for everybody, you know? You think some people have it all figured out, and then you learn that maybe they don’t. Nobody really knows what they’re doing, everyone wants something they don’t have, people’s idea of how the world sees them is almost never accurate, we are none of us safe from the pain of disappointment. Take this quote from a 1982 documentary about the director of the second greatest film of all time, Orson Welles, in which he talks about going to a birthday party:

I went once to a birthday party for [MGM boss] Louis B. Mayer with a rabbit in my pocket which I was going to take out of his hat. On came Judy Garland and Danny Kaye and Danny Thomas and everybody you ever heard of and then Al Jolson sang for two hours and my rabbit was peeing all over me, you know. And the dawn was starting to rise over the Hillcrest Country Club as we said goodnight to Louis B. Mayer and nobody’d asked me to do a magic trick. So the rabbit and I went home.

Preach, brother Orson! Isn’t this just the way, though? Any time you leave the house saying, “this is going to be the best,” get ready for the worst. (Especially if you thought a magic trick was going to be involved.) You jinxed yourself! Buy yourself a Coke! Enjoy that Coke! See? It’s not so bad. We’re all in this big, dumb boat floating on Whoops Ocean together. (Via RatsOff!)

Comments (29)
  1. I feel like I’ve lived this story, only there were no celebrities and instead of a rabbit it was a condom.

  2. How big was his pocket?!

  3. “Al Jolson sang for two hours.”

    A two-hour rendition of “Mammy” in black-face sounds really horrible.

    (And no, I will not look up any other Al Jolson songs. He’s only famous for the one, so that’s obviously the only one he performed. For two hours straight.)

  4. If by “today we are all Orson Welles” you mean shitfaced on Paul Masson wine, I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay fucking ahead of you.

  5. I have nothing to add here other than that I’ve played Hillcrest Country Club a few times and I’ve eagled the 8th hole. Also, the only story I remember is that George Burns was a member, and when they celebrated his 95th birthday, they changed their “no smoking” policy to a “no smoking for anyone under 95″ policy.

  6. Gabe, I do not care if you are my agent or not, I AM NOT DOING VOICE OVER WORK IN A FUCKING TRANSFORMERS CARTOON. I will, however, promote frozen peas.

  7. True story: Freshman year in college, I got assigned to a jock-filled dorm floor, where everyone thought I was disturbed because I didn’t spend all my free time watching and talking about sports. Very rough first semester–except this one night, when I was awesome.

    I led the group to an off-campus party, I deftly talked us all in, I swung a couple of girls temporarily into our circle, and when we left, we all left together, shouting and singing. They were practically carrying me home like I was king. The part that is most vivid in my mind is that I grabbed a traffic cone off the road and put it on my head like a hat. They literally fell over from laughing so hard, and I wore it for three blocks.

    The next morning, I woke up thinking, “Okay. I’m never going to be best buds with any of these assholes. But at least last night I wasn’t just a fucking weirdo to them; last night I was the most fun. funniest, most brilliant among them; I was their leader, and I fucking killed.” I was happy with that.

    Well, business carried on, the semester ended. Then we came back from Winter Break and everyone sat around reminiscing about first semester–and all agreed Cone Hat Night was the best we’d had. I was stoked… until one of the jockiest dudes said, “Man, who wore that cone? That was fuckin hilarious, that was the funniest shit of the year, bro. Was it Gary?” I figured Gary would correct them, but he said, “Gosh, maybe it was me.” Then the biggest jackass–he talked constantly about being a football hero in high school–said, “That musta been Gary, man, that was the funniest shit EVER. You’re fuckin GOLDEN, Gary. You’re the BEST.”

    Oh and I should mention that during this conversation everyone but me had a ball and was throwing it up in the air and catching it the whole time. God I fucking hated that dorm.

    Anyway. That was my magic rabbit.

  8. Happy birthday!

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