Guys, this life ain’t gettin’ any easier! (That is categorically untrue. I mean, life is definitely still a brief and confusing meander through a horrifying swamp filled with sadness and despair punctuated by impossibly rare moments of beauty and joy all to some unknown but most likely absurdist non-purpose, but, you know, we have medicine and electric toothbrushes and Spotify and BlueTooth in our cars. As a whole, compared to how life has always been, this life is gettin’ much easier! Here’s how good things are these days: there are entire inventions, like the Zune, and MySpace, that only 15 years ago would have been a revolutionary marvel that we can now laugh off as absolute JOKES. But sometimes we still get sad. Like when our DVR doesn’t record a show that it was TOTALLY supposed to record and it’s like WHY EVEN HAVE A DVR THEN?! Or when our mom is sick. Your Microsoft Surface can’t fix a sick mom!) But, it’s hard out there! You have to find your happiness wherever you can. Nobody’s going to do it for you, and when you’re old and dying and lying in the same bed your poor dear mum was once so sick in, you don’t want to wish that you’d only done the thing that didn’t harm other people but made you so happy when you had the chance. Do it now! Just Nike! If you love to stuff balloons in your shirt because they’re so soft and you love to sleep with the balloons in your shirt because they are warm and it’s “like sleeping on some clouds,” then you go right ahead and you get yourself a whole bed full of balloons. Life is for the living! You’ll balloon when you’re dead!

Oh, I forgot to mention, though, don’t ever talk about it. Do it, but do not go on TV and talk about it. I’m so happy for you to have found a thing that makes you so happy that is so harmless and you clearly get so much pleasure out of it and it’s hard to get pleasure and feelings of safety and comfort and contentment in this scary place. But when you talk about it, it makes my skin crawl. It’s just fucking DISGUSTING when you talk about it. Is that your regular voice? Is that the voice you use to talk about, like, what kind of soup you had for breakfast? Stop talking about it. Don’t ever talk about it. You know what TV is, right? Be more careful. Protect your heart. Have as much concern for the safety of your heart as you do for stray balloons.

Comments (32)
  1. I’m guessing he has a fear of needles.

  2. You think this is creepy? You should see the way he fondles water balloons.

  3. When the lights are on, the music says “everything’s all right”, but when the lights go off, the music says “this dude will inflate and sleep with the skins of your flayed family”.

  4. There is a name for this disease where people are infatuated with objects but I forget what it’s called. If you’re going to have the disease loving balloons is not bad, I saw a show where a guy was in love with railroad trains.

  5. This guy is a marriage equality opponent’s straw man come to life.

  6. “I’m gonna pop!” — Balloon guy.

  7. without watching this video, was this on Radiolab*? or something like this?

    *I think it’s got to a point where I reference Radiolab at least 5 times a day. I am the worst.

  8. I wonder how he feels about balloon animals…

  9. ughhh his face when he is hugging that balloon under his shirt will haunt me forever

  10. I have to be honest and say that if I had a balloon handy right now it would be up my shirt and I’d be rubbing the stretched cotton very contentedly. Balloons are nice! I’m glad, though, that this guy went out of his way to state that his feelings are pure, because we all know that when you have to go out of your way to state feelings of purity, there is no reason to question them.

  11. In all seriousness though I am sad for whatever happened to this person as a child.

  12. Soup for breakfast?

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