Guys, this life ain’t gettin’ any easier! (That is categorically untrue. I mean, life is definitely still a brief and confusing meander through a horrifying swamp filled with sadness and despair punctuated by impossibly rare moments of beauty and joy all to some unknown but most likely absurdist non-purpose, but, you know, we have medicine and electric toothbrushes and Spotify and BlueTooth in our cars. As a whole, compared to how life has always been, this life is gettin’ much easier! Here’s how good things are these days: there are entire inventions, like the Zune, and MySpace, that only 15 years ago would have been a revolutionary marvel that we can now laugh off as absolute JOKES. But sometimes we still get sad. Like when our DVR doesn’t record a show that it was TOTALLY supposed to record and it’s like WHY EVEN HAVE A DVR THEN?! Or when our mom is sick. Your Microsoft Surface can’t fix a sick mom!) But, it’s hard out there! You have to find your happiness wherever you can. Nobody’s going to do it for you, and when you’re old and dying and lying in the same bed your poor dear mum was once so sick in, you don’t want to wish that you’d only done the thing that didn’t harm other people but made you so happy when you had the chance. Do it now! Just Nike! If you love to stuff balloons in your shirt because they’re so soft and you love to sleep with the balloons in your shirt because they are warm and it’s “like sleeping on some clouds,” then you go right ahead and you get yourself a whole bed full of balloons. Life is for the living! You’ll balloon when you’re dead!
Oh, I forgot to mention, though, don’t ever talk about it. Do it, but do not go on TV and talk about it. I’m so happy for you to have found a thing that makes you so happy that is so harmless and you clearly get so much pleasure out of it and it’s hard to get pleasure and feelings of safety and comfort and contentment in this scary place. But when you talk about it, it makes my skin crawl. It’s just fucking DISGUSTING when you talk about it. Is that your regular voice? Is that the voice you use to talk about, like, what kind of soup you had for breakfast? Stop talking about it. Don’t ever talk about it. You know what TV is, right? Be more careful. Protect your heart. Have as much concern for the safety of your heart as you do for stray balloons.