Many of you have probably been following the Chick-Fil-A news lately, but for those of you who have always been kind of annoyed at the presumptuous way in which a blog will just breathlessly launch into something in media res as if everyone has already read every other blog post on the subject, therefore denying the new reader any kind of entry point into the story, let’s do some quick recapping! Chick-Fil-A is a popular fast food chain that sells fried chicken sandwiches and that’s about it. Everyone loves it. But everyone does NOT love the restaurant chain’s corporate managers long-standing vocal support of conservative Christian values (they are even closed on Sundays). Things have gotten more heated lately when one of the restaurant’s franchises was criticized for directly helping a group that is vocally anti-gay marriage, to which the franchise’s founder responded that OF COURSE the restaurant helps groups that are vocally anti-gay marriage, because gay marriage is gross and wrong and life is precious and God and the bible. People are mad, I guess. Naturally, any large fast food company that openly espouses a rigidly homophobic belief system based in scripture already has a questionable PR strategy, so it was particularly hilarious this week when the company (or someone else, but probably the company, even if they deny it) created a fake “teenage girl’s” Facebook page to help defend the restaurant on-line using a stock photo. And on and on! It’s a whole thing. But it’s probably about to blow over, because the Internet’s own Antoine Dodson has FINALLY broken his LEGENDARY silence and spoken out on the topic of Chick-Fil-A and the gay community. Everybody go home. It’s over.

Oh lord. Hahahahha. HIDE YOUR SUBWAY, HIDE YOUR BURGER KING, HIDE YOUR CARL’S JR, BECAUSE THEY EATIN’ ERRRBODY OUT HERE. Antoine Dodson has aunties and uncles who don’t support gay marriage, so he is going to eat a Chick-Fil-A sandwich. This, of course, is a ridiculous argument. I’m not actually saying people shouldn’t eat at Chick-Fil-A. I think the whole thing is much less cut and dry as the angry people are making it out to be. But your aunts’ and uncles’ begrudging but hate-filled “respect” for you is not the same thing, Antoine Dodson. Because you’re not giving your money to your aunts and uncles with a clear understanding of how your money will then be used to fund programs that are directly opposed to your own self-interest. At least I don’t think so? Maybe every time Antoine Dodson sees his aunties and uncles he gives them eight dollars, one dollar of which goes directly into the Destroy Antoine Dodson Fund.

Personally, I do actually almost agree with Antoine Dodson in that I think you can eat Chick-Fil-A if you want. I also think gay people should be allowed to get married. Maybe don’t eat Chick-Fil-A all the time for A LOT OF REASONS. I care about you and I don’t want your heart to turn into a throbbing ball of liquid fat waiting to EXPLODE. But, we now live in a complicated world run by the shadowy forces of a global economy. The fact of the matter is that a solid portion of the money you spend every single day probably goes towards something that you disagree with politically. Do you smoke cigarettes? Do you put gas in your car? Do you ever let a single bite of industrially produced meat or dairy pass your lips? Do you pay your taxes? What I’m saying is that while I totally find it honorable and correct to refuse to do business with a company that openly opposes gay marriage (or anything that you don’t like) and while that is a totally valid political statement to make, it doesn’t ultimately have that much effect on the terrible things of this world, of which there are an almost infinite number, and your political choice doesn’t give you the right to give other people a hard time for making different, potentially less political choices. (Full disclosure: I don’t eat at Chick-Fil-A. But less because of the gay stuff and more because of the I want to live stuff.) So if you want a homophobic chicken sandwich, have one! NOM NOM NOM, right? Maybe feel a little bit guilty while you’re eating it, again, FOR A NUMBER OF REASONS. But life is hard and we’re all going to die and nothing about your lunch or that asshole Dan Cathy’s opinions is going to change that. NOM NOM NOM. Hahahahha. NOM NOM NOM YOU HATE-MONGERS! (Via Gawker.)

Comments (33)
  1. I do like that at the end it just turns into a Chick-Fil-A commercial. WAFFLE FRIES!

  2. Boycott Chick-Fil-A. Have Raising Canes instead! (NOTE: I HAVE NEVER HAD CHICK-FIL-A, BUT I CAN ATTEST TO THE DELICIOUSNESS OF RAISING CANES. I AM NOT PAID FOR THIS COMMENT, BUT IF ANYONE FROM THE RAISING CANES FRANCHISE WANTS TO THROW SOME DELICIOUS FOOD MY WAY, I WILL NOT COMPLAIN)

  3. The voice that says “What about the waffle fries?” sounds suspiciously like Mitt Romney.

    Listen to it again and see if you hear it.

  4. I can’t even listen to “Army” by Ben Folds Five anymore.

  5. If there’s one thing I don’t get about this riveting controversy, it’s the impassioned argument that Chick-Fil A is too good to live without. I’ve had it, and it’s…fine! But if you have a Chick-Fil A near you, you probably live in the south. And if you live in the south, you probably have access to all kinds of delicious fried chicken sandwiches that are better and are made by small business owners who don’t contribute vast sums to any political cause at all. Eat there, you guys!

    • But that’s exactly the root of it; I’m pretty sure the only reason people care is because it’s so goddamned good.

      To clarify, if Yoshinoya Beef Bowl announced its stance against gay marriage and its many contributions to anti-gay organizations, I don’t think anyone would bat an eye.

  6. Does this mean I have to stop eating at KKK Khicken Shak* too?

    *You guys know the jingle: “We put the ‘Clucks’ in Ku Klux Klan”

  7. antoine dodson made the same argument I made a few days ago…maybe last week? yeah. and then gabe did too.

    it’s inescapable. unless of course we go get a farm upstate. who’s with me? i’ll bring my guitar.

  8. I’ve never been to a Chick-Fil A, and I wish I could say my principled boycott is making at least a $5 difference but it’s not.

  9. The guy who asks about waffle fries: his voice is really weird! He kind of sounds like an old Jewish man?!

    Yup. This is a very good comment.

  10. Oh darn it. I got spider darko’ed on this one.

  11. “But less because of the gay stuff and more because of the I want to live stuff.”

    Oh come on, Gabe, there is no Chick-Fil-A in Brooklyn BUT I SEEN YOU AT POPEYES.

  12. My favorite dipping sauce is hate…

  13. I agree with Gabe that we should recognized that a lot of the money Americans spend on a daily basis directly or indirectly funds horrible, horrible things (our foreign policy probably being the worst of them), but I disagree with the thought that maybe we should just go ahead and continue eating there anyway because “it doesn’t ultimately have that much effect on the terrible things of this world.”

    When the corporate turds come out of the bowl as openly about being assholes as Chick-Fil-A’s president did, I think that’s exactly when we should all stop giving them money, hopefully so that they will lose enough of it to either reverse their positions or go out of business completely. If we can work together to make one tiny corner of our world less awful by not eating chicken sandwiches, I think we should.

    • This is where it gets tricky. Which is the lesser of two evils? Being completely open about their beliefs and owning up to the fact that they give money to these anti-gay organizations or being secretive about it and then issuing fake apologies when busted? Chik-Fil-A has been pretty open about their religious beliefs since the day they opened their doors. Are we really that surprised that they give to these anti-gay / pro family organizations? They are closed on Sundays for Christ’s sake! Any company willing to give up a whole day of profits in order to worship the Lord is most likely going to take this stance.

      I am more offended by the use of the Bible (yet again) to dismiss their disapproval of something. At this point, the Bible argument is tired. We all know that there is not one person on this planet that follows that thing 100%. They’d be in jail. I would have been less bothered had he stated that his religious beliefs don’t approve of homosexuality and as a human being living in America he has every right to believe that. As a human being in America (gay or not), I have the right not to visit his establishment because I don’t agree with their views. I kinda wish all companies were more honest about this stuff. You gotta admit that this guy has some balls. And if there’s one thing that gay guys like myself love…it’s balls.

  14. The problem I have is, there are a lot of people who work for Chik-Fil-A who probably DON’T feel the same way as the corporate folks. Boycotting them hurts the company, which will cause a lot of lost jobs and damage to innocent individuals. You’re going to hurt a lot more people than that one asshole on top.

  15. As a person living in the south (but not raised in the south), I will say this: Chik-fil-A has the most polite drive-thru attendants in the country. This is a documented (by me) fact. I’m not saying I WANT those kids to have to find jobs working at other establishments, I’m just saying that with that kind of training, SHOULD Chik-fil-A go under, we could get ourselves a lot of really polite drive-thru attendants in the near future. FOOD (amirite?!) for thought.

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