Big news for all you Brandamaniacs out there: THE BRAIN OF YOUR FAVORITE ACTOR AND COMEDIAN WITH LONG GROSS HAIR AND AN UPSETTING DEMEANOR MIGHT BE IN DANGER! Tom Cruise, fresh from losing his last alleged Scientology convert, is now seeking out (according to an LA spy) (AN LA SPY!) Russell Brand to help get The Message out and also to be best friends for thousands of years. Oh no oh no oh no oh no! From Celebitchy:

Tom Cruise is hoping to introduce comic Russell Brand to Scientology.

Newly separated Cruise is keen to recruit his Rock Of Ages co-star to be a spokesman for Scientology rehab project Narconon.

“Tom thinks Russell’s battle with alcohol and drug addiction is a way to reach out to the vulnerable,” says an LA spy.

Cruise also introduced Brand to Hollywood studio boss Sumner Redstone, who asked Russell to compere an event to help addicts.

OH NO, RUSSELL BRAND! STAY AWAY FROM NARCONON! EVEN THOUGH THE NAME IS VERY FUNNY AND IT MIGHT EVEN JUST BE WORTH IT, SEEING AS HOW FUNNY THE NAME IS! IT IS VERY CLOSE TO AN ABBREVIATED VERSION NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS, THAT IS PART OF WHAT MAKES IT SO FUNNY! We can only trust that we’ve raised Russell Brand well enough to know the difference between things he should do and things he shouldn’t do. That’s all we can do. Now let’s go to bed and trust that he’ll be in his own bed when we all wake up in the morning. Huh? Let’s do that. Goodnight!

Comments (22)
  1. Maybe they’re just starting a support group for guysx who used to be married to girls named Katie.

  2. Oh no! Not Russell Brand! Take my eyes, but not Russell Brand!

  3. Wow, this news is too good to Xenu.

  4. I reduced my coffee intake recently, but I couldn’t bring myself to quit completely. If only there’d been a celebrity spokesman promoting a group called Caffonon.

  5. he’s recruiting a new partner. someone to share his cockpit. to be his co-pilot… the new Top Gun sequel.

  6. I would pay money to see Russell Brand in one of those Scientology uniforms of navy dress slacks and light blue shirts. I’m not sure how much money, probably like 35 cents. But I would pay it. I’m not sure to whom, hopefully not Xenu, but I would pay it. 35 cents. I would pay 35 cents to see that happen. Unless I need it for bus fare. Then I would pay nothing.

  7. Are there any british scientologists?

  8. Weird, I thought Scientology didn’t give a damn about getting the message out, or any kind of positive publicity. I mean, that’s how they act usually.

  9. Russel Brand is gay?

  10. Didn’t Sumner Redstone talk about Tom Cruise being box office poison when he did that couch jumping thing? I guess they’re talking now. And I can’t believe my brain stores this and yet nothing from algebra.

    • That’s not your fault. That is the fault of souls of trapped aliens that died in a volcano that had a hydrogen bomb explode inside it that are currently crawling around inside your brain. You just need a good old fashioned audit to get rid of those souls, or as Tom Cruise likes to call them, Thetans.

      Thetans are a well-known cause of brain issues. Why Tom Cruise HIMSELF was dyslexic until Scientology taught him how to get rid of the dyslexia-causing alien souls lurking in his brain. Some cause dyslexia, others cause drug addiction. The point is THERE ARE ALIEN SOULS TAKING AWAY YOUR LIFE FORCE and the only way to save them is by extensive classes with e-meters at your local Scientology center.

  11. Could Tom Cruise be hiding his sexuality?

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