Hey, you! You, the one with the sad, sunken eyes, seated in a hunched over position at his non-ergonomic office desk chair, who has to bend his knees to reach even the TALLEST something that has been set on the floor. I want to tell you that YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE! You might think that the only way to improve flexibility, circulation, and overall wellbeing is to practice the devil’s ritual — Yoga — and up until recently you were correct. Thousands, possibly millions, of otherwise good souls are burning in hell as we speak because they failed to listen to what God was attempting to communicate to them about the way they were spending their couple of free classes they got when they signed up for their gym membership. But not you, friend. You knew to wait, letting your muscles atrophy in a way almost prayer-like itself, until their came an appropriate Christian solution. And today you will know that your wait was not in vain. Today we can offer you the first and only method of practicing yoga approved by God for Christian practice, available on probably DVD and, I’m absolutely sure, VHS: Praise Moves.

Sure these might LOOK like regular yoga moves, but it is well known that there are only a few ways — probably around 15 or 20 ways — a human body can move, and the devil has gone and scooped almost ALL of them up before we could get to them ourselves! Luckily he forgot a few, though, which you’ll only be able to get here. Not too clever now, are you devil? Not too clever indeed. (Thanks for the tip, jwormyk!)

Comments (25)
  1. I’m sorry, but this brought me closer to Satan.

  2. “Hey god, is Yoga leading me away from Christ?”
    “What??”
    “Yoga…is Yoga going to lead me away from Christ? I need to know for PraiseMoves.”
    “Huh? The…the fuck you talking about?”
    “Well I was doing Yoga and a lady who makes these PraiseMoves videos told me that it would lead me away from Christ but that I should ask you if that’s the case and so here I am and I’m just wondering if that’s true or not.”
    “Holy fu…kid, I do not give a single care about people stretching. For the love of me!”

    • How do you get such detailed responses from God? He always just tells me “outlook not so good.” Which, I mean, whatever, it’s not like Lotus Notes is any better.

  3. But, you guys, a number of health professionals recommend practicing Praise Moves! A NUMBER! Like 50000! or 1! We’ll never know.

  4. I’d give this a try. Jesus has been holding the same pose for almost 2000 years and doesn’t look a day over 33.

  5. Downward Facing Dang that’s dumb.

  6. The possibilities are ENDLESS. This is better than the confession loophole.

    I’ll explain later. Right after I have me some Worship Pre-marital Sex.

  7. Don’t tell her that the virgin birth was borrowed from an old Persian legend. She may break in half!

  8. I’m always amazed at how many Christians out there choose to believe in a version of Jesus who’s kind of an arbitrary dick about things. There are so many more sensible takes on Christianity, you guys!

  9. The testimonials on the website are great: http://praisemoves.com/

    “PraiseMoves relieved my back pain and strengthened my relationship with Christ”

  10. Salute the Son #praisemoves

  11. I love the testimonials on the website:

    “PraiseMoves relieved my back pain and strengthened my relationship with Christ”

  12. these christians are just jealous people found something better to do on sunday mornings.

  13. In what verse does Jesus poo-poo yoga? Is it in one of those Catholic-only books?

  14. This is funny content. Let’s see more of it.

  15. “After just two weeks of Praise Moves, I found I was able to be more full of shit than ever before!”

  16. This does nothing to clarify how I should feel about spin class.

  17. So glad I saw this. I want to get fit, but my local Y only has Pontius Pilates classes.

  18. I’m going stop sinning and start referring to premarital sex as horizontal homage

  19. yay for this… because who knew every time i did a downward facing dog, i was giving up some of my soul to satan and his hellish legion of darkness. Nice try, lucifer, nice try.

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