Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: hi kelly
Kelly: How’s it going?
Gabe: pretty good, thanks
Gabe: how are you?!
Gabe: how are you?!?!??!?!?!?!?!
Gabe: r u ok?!
Kelly: WHOA.
Kelly: I’m fine!
Kelly: Why, what’s up? Do you know something I don’t?
Kelly: AM I NOT OK?
Gabe: i think you’ll be fine
Gabe: don’t worry about it
Gabe: i’m sure it’s nothing
Kelly: But wait
Kelly: There IS something then? GABE
Gabe: NAH
Gabe: DON’T EVEN SWEAT IT
Kelly: Well, ok. I trust that you’d let me know if it were something I needed to know.
Kelly: Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Kelly:
Kelly: HAVE YOU SEEN KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS LATELY?

Gabe: sure
Gabe: probably?
Gabe: i mean, i’m just going to assume that i have
Gabe: i’m a grown man in america 2012
Gabe: how could i not?
Gabe: oh no wait!
Gabe: is SHE ok? are her boobs OK?!
Kelly: ARE THEY EVER!
Kelly: There were pictures released a few days ago from Comic-Con in which she wore a yellow skirt and some sort of short white shirt
Gabe: right, “the pictures” we all know
Kelly: And the public is just starting to realize that in those very photos
Kelly: Her boobs
Kelly: look
Kelly: BIGGER
Gabe: WHAT?!
Gabe: first of all, GET THE KIDS OUT OF THE ROOM
Gabe: and now DISH
Kelly: OK SO. A DOCTOR was quoted as saying, AND I QUOTE
Kelly: “Her breasts have gone from what looked like a large A cup to a large B cup.”
Gabe: hahahahhaha, GOOD DOCTOR!
Gabe: do you know if he’s accepting new patients?
Kelly: He’s a Michigan-based plastic surgeon, so you might be in luck
Kelly: Also I know what you’re thinking
Kelly: “Could this be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra?”
Kelly: WELL NO BECAUSE LOOK HE ALSO SAID THIS
Kelly: “While this might be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra, it’s most likely the result of a breast augmentation,”
Kelly: Case closed
Gabe: i actually hate to have to be the one to say this
but that’s actually A TOTALLY DIFFERENT DOCTOR WHO SAID THAT
Gabe: i feel like this is an important story
Gabe: and we are journalists
Gabe: so to get something like that wrong in our REPORTING
Gabe: where you attribute two separate quotes to the same “source”
Gabe: is just appalling
Gabe: and that’s why
Gabe: you are fired
Kelly: No way, is it?
Gabe: JESUS CHRIST YOU’RE DOUBLE FIRED
Kelly: OH DANG YOU’RE RIGHT
Kelly: The first one was actually New York City-based.
Gabe: yes
Gabe: you’re seriously off the rails
Kelly: Ok, I’m fired! See you later!
Gabe: you’re basically our generation’s JUDY MILLER
Gabe: go to jail
Kelly: Have fun talking about Kristen Stewart’s boobs YOURSELF
Gabe: I ALWAYS DO
Kelly: I’M SURE.
Gabe: GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER YOU DO NEXT
Gabe: OBVIOUSLY I CANNOT WRITE YOU A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Gabe: “TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I CANNOT RECOMMEND THAT YOU DON’T HIRE KELLY STRONGLY ENOUGH.”
Kelly: WELL FINE THAT’S JUST FINE THEN GABE
Kelly: I CANNOT IMAGINE THAT WHATEVER I DO NEXT WILL REQUIRE A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Kelly: FROM A BULLY OBSESSED WITH KRISTEN STEWART’S BREASTS
Gabe: YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT
Gabe: I AM NOT SURE HOW TOUGH THE HIRING POLICIES FOR
Gabe: AIRPLANE BAGGAGE HANDLER
Gabe: OR MIDTOWN NIGHT CLUB BATHROOM ATTENDANT ARE
Gabe: MAYBE THEY ARE TOUGH, NO OFFENSE TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO DO THOSE JOBS
Gabe: IN WHICH CASE YOU STILL CANNOT GET A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Gabe: SO YOU PROBABLY WON’T EVEN GET THOSE JOBS
Gabe: YOU’LL PROBABLY JUST WORK AT YOUR PARENT’S HOUSE
Gabe: DOING CHORES FOR AN ALLOWANCE
Gabe: LOLOLOLOLOL

Kelly: :’(
Gabe: ALSO, I’M NOT “OBSESSED WITH KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS”
Kelly: HAH
Gabe: I’M OBSESSED WITH PROPERLY ATTRIBUTING REAL DOCTORS WHO SEEM SO REAL AND LEGIT AND LIKE GOOD DOCTORS
Gabe: THOSE PEOPLE WORKED HARD TO GET WHERE THEY ARE, KELLY
Gabe: UNLIKE YOU
Kelly: LISTEN. I KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT. I KNOW DR. MATTHEW SCHULMAN AND DR. ANTHONY YOUN HAVE COME A LONG WAY TO MAKE THESE CLAIMS ABOUT FORMER AND CURRENT BREAST SIZE BASED ON RED CARPET PHOTOS.
Kelly: BUT I AM GOING TO LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE IMMEDIATELY, UNLIKE YOU
Kelly: WHO WILL ONLY LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE
Kelly: ONCE
Kelly: SOMETHING HAPPENS
Kelly: AND I AM IN CHARGE
Kelly: OF EVERYTHING
Gabe: THIS IS A GREAT THREAT
Gabe: LET ME KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER
Gabe: THIS THREAT IS GOING TO TAKE
Gabe: I MIGHT NEED TO MOVE SOME THINGS AROUND
Gabe: ON MY SCHEDULE
Gabe: BUT I WANT TO MAKE SURE AND HEAR THE WHOLE THREAT
Kelly: IT’S PROBABLY GOING TO TAKE A WHILE
Kelly: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW
Gabe: YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO WORRY ABOUT, I TELL YOU WHAT TO WORRY ABOUT
Gabe: WORRY ABOUT THIS
Gabe: http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/07/18/worsening-drought-puts-food-supply-at-risk/?ref=us
Gabe: AND ALSO THIS
Gabe: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/18/world/africa/jidhadists-fierce-justice-drives-thousands-to-flee-mali.html?ref=world
Kelly: SO WHAT, AM I SUPPOSED TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE THINGS OR AM I FIRED?
Kelly: MAKE UP YOUR MIND, GABE
Gabe: NOW YOU’RE TRIPLE FIRED
Kelly: JUST IN TIME
Kelly: CAUSE I JUST WENT FROM A “LARGE A” DON’T CARE TO A “LARGE B” DON’T CARE!!!!

Comments (42)
  1. Ok you two, go to your rooms. Don’t make me come down there!

  2. They’re just bigger because she and R-Patz are having a baby, right?

  3. I don’t think we’ll get to the bottom of this before somebody goes to have a friendly chat with Dr. Drew.

  4. Mom I need breast implants so I can be like Bella. Also have you found a vampire or werewolf for me yet? No? You’re the worst mom

  5. Hasn’t she been doing shit constantly for the last several months? If she got a boob job, her surgeon must be incredible. Guys, do you know how boob jobs work? They cut you open and like stuff boob bags into your body through your nipple or bellybutton! (I’m pretty sure this is how it works, though I admit I didn’t look it up to double check.) It sounds painful as hell!

    • I think it’s through your armpits. Or your boobs. Either way, you can lift your arms for weeks. WEEKS.

      • This is off topic but I used to work in a plastic surgeons’s office and there was a drawer full of breast implants of varying sizes. Sadly, no one wanted to get into a breast implant fight with me :(

        On the upside, they offered me free botox. On the downside, I was 20, and have had a paranoia ever since.

        • When I was in the Navy, I had to wash dishes in the kitchen for 4 months. The cooks would often open large cans of ham (gross) and slice it up, but they wouldn’t use the ends, so we’d have big end slices. Nobody ever wanted to get in hamfights with me, and surprise-slapping people with end slices of canned ham never started the food fight I was after.

  6. Are they the ones in the ‘Celebrity Bikini Bodies’ ad?

  7. What this dynamic is a calming Sam Waterston type. Birdie, why don’t you bring Gabe a nice calming tumbler of scotch and tell him he’s still got it?

  8. You know, sometimes when I see something like this, I wonder for a second how many words are written about the subject. Like, how many words are written about whether or not Kristen Stewart’s are bigger now compared to a few weeks ago. It’s usually just a fleeting thought and then it’s gone. It’s like the internet has turned everyone into a writer, but instead of becoming Howard Zinn or David Foster Wallace, we just write about whether or not Kristen Stewart’s boobs are bigger now compared to a few weeks ago. I mean, a lot of people grow up being told that if they just work hard and apply themselves, they can achieve greatness. But the fact is that now, everyone is applying themselves, but we’re just working hard on talking about whether or not Kristen Stewart’s boobs are bigger now compared to a few weeks ago.

    Like, right now. This comment that I’m writing on a blog post making fun of people writing about people writing about whether or not Kristen Stewart’s boobs are bigger now compared to a few weeks ago. By the time I’m finished writing it, it will have taken me probably two minutes. I could be learning another language or calling an old friend or reading Howard Zinn or David Foster Wallace. But I’m writing about people writing about people writing about whether or not Kristen Stewart’s boobs are bigger now compared to a few weeks ago.

    Her boobs look good, I guess.

    • And if you had accidentally written this with facebook connect, you would forever be linked to Ms. Stewart’s boobs and the resulting cultural dialogue. Not just in spirit, but in name.

      Of course, it’s a very smart statement. So being linked to the above pontification isn’t necessarily a negative thing. Unless you’re looking for a job with people who hate boobs, Twilight and K-Stew. And seriously, who hates Twilight? NO ONE. THAT’S WHO.

    • It must have felt good to get that off your chest!

    • Yeah, but if the internet is around long enough (i.e. forever), eventually we’ll write the collected works of Shakespeare.

    • I’ve always thought that about my brother, who runs ridiculous amounts of miles each week. For no reason! He’s not even being chased! I once calculated the amount of time he spends running and told him how many other languages he could have learned by this point. Which really makes me wonder: why does everybody use learning other languages as their go-to for an example of how we could be better using our time?

      • You haven’t lived until you’ve read a blog post on celebrityboobs.ru about Kristen Stewart’s boobs in the original Russian text.

      • Could he listen to language lessons when he ran? Boom. Done.

        True story: My dad worked in France for a year and some change. He knew NOTHING of the language and only picked up random phrases and idioms from working with engineers and trying to eat on his own and getting weird things when he thought he was getting normal pizzas. Anyway, his language skills were so bad (plus he spoke French a suburban Chicago high school Spanish accent) that the people around him started messing up their French to communicate. Native speakers! It was actually fascinating to watch a language get corrupted by one man. He kept in touch with some of the people he worked with and apparently his weird fake phrases that became shorthand at his factory were still used like 5 years later.

        The point is my mind wanders when I need a snack.

      • Well I guess, ironically, because it’s the accepted go-to and saves us time on coming up with original examples.

        Here’s an interesting (probably not interesting) thought: How much time did it take you to calculate how much time your brother spends running and then cross-reference it with the amount of time it would take to become fluent in a language? I guess the subjective value we ascribe to our extremely limited time is just that, subjective.

        I guess your brother could say about the time you spent calculating his time spent running, “You could have spent that time running!”

        I dunno, I don’t have any real points here, and my first comment came off as more heavy-hearted than I intended. It’s just interesting to me that I’m now talking about you talking about Gabe and Kelly talking about someone else talking about whether or not Kristen Stewart’s boobs are bigger compared to a few weeks ago.

        WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER.

  9. I’m just glad that I can go out in public without people taking pictures of me for the purpose of finding out if any of my body parts are bigger than the last time they saw me.

  10. I heard somewhere it was calf implants. Good thing because her calves were DISGUSTING!

  11. Not to be outdone, reports have come out that Courtney Stodden’s lucite heels seem to have gotten suspiciously bigger, says source close to the Stodden camp…

  12. i don’t mean to be a logicasaurus, and i don’t know how big anyone’s boobs are (I’m sure you all have really nice boobs!) but…why would someone spend the crazy money (even if you have that crazy twilight money) and go through surgery to achieve the same effect as an expensive bra?

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