To tell you the truth, the Jennifer Aniston VS. Angelina Jolie one-sided feud is my favorite tabloid-fueled feud, possible EVER. “Really? How did you manage to pick a favorite when they’re all so good and none of them, not even the one you mentioned, are fabricated, malicious wastes of time that are so maddening, even just to have to scroll through on your Google Reader?” you’re probably wondering. That’s a fair question! To answer it I’ll say that I love this one specifically for how it has persevered over the years, and how it has painted Jennifer Aniston, a beautiful highly-paid actress with a handsome boyfriend, as a disgusting, lonely hag who is fixated on a boyfriend she had a million years ago. Hahaha. It’s a very powerful feud! And it is the best. And I love it. And anyway LOOK AT WHAT JENNIFER ANISTON SAID TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT ANGELINA JOLIE! From The Enquirer (perfect), via Celebitchy:

Chit-chatting with a coterie of girly-pals on the Beverly Hills circuit, Jennifer Aniston triggered hysterical giggles when she gored Angelina Jolie over that scary-looking set of horns she’s sporting for the horror flick ‘Maleficent,’ sniping: “Those horns suit her perfectly… she’s always been a horny bitch!” Jen went on to call Jolie a “she-devil.”

Classic Jennifer Aniston. Ah, to be a fly on that brunch — to be a member of that coterie of girly-pals on the Beverly Hills circuit. What would you have said? How would you have chimed in? This is how I would have chimed in:

  • More like Angelina Jol–EEK!
  • It’s very brave of her to be filming the entire movie without makeup on her head to cover up her natural horns!!
  • How many horny toads did Brad have to kiss before something something Angelina Jolie was one of them?
  • Those behind-the-scenes photos of Angelina filming her stunts are weird because why doesn’t she just save the production some money and use her own awful witch powers to fly?
  • Angelina Jolie is a goblin.

Ahhhh! INVITE ME TO BRUNCH, JENNIFER ANISTON!

Comments (28)
  1. “Hey Angelina – Hell called and they’re running out of horns!”
    “Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!”
    “What’s the difference? You’re their all time biggest seller!”
    “Yeah? Well I had sex with your husband!”

  2. “I bet she only makes $5 million from that movie, rather than $10 million! Hahaha!”

  3. Wait, is coterie what a group of ladyfriends are called? And all this time I thought we were an unkindness of ladyfriends.

  4. “Could Angelina be any more of a bitch?” – Jenandlerston Bong

  5. Jennifer Aniston: another satisfied customer of Bruce Vilanch’s Brunch Jokes Boot Camp.

  6. This should be called Reynolds-Taylorgate 2.0

  7. Can you imagine making your living off of writing about this “love triangle”? I would want to blow my brains out. No wonder they’re resorting to making up blookheaded phrases like “coterie of girly-pals” to amuse themselves.

    • I was looking for a job a few months ago, and saw on mediabistro that US Weekly was hiring content writers. I applied to that job so fast. They never called me back.

      I think I’d rather that job than most jobs. You get to just make stuff up about nightmare garbage monsters! All day! Every day! And then you get paid!

      • I interviewed for that job about 7 years ago. It’s the written version of paparazzi and paid close to minimum wage… Plus your job is stalking celebs in nightclubs, befriending bartenders for “inside scoops” and generally living like an a-lister on an entry-level reporter salary with no help from the magazine. I called them from my car after the interview was over and literally told them I was too old for that shit. (I had 5-6 years experience at that time.) Oh and no bylines bc you’d just be “reporting” the information to editors. I stuck with the local news as covering chases and stand-offs seemed less dangerous than driving around Sunset Boulevard waiting for the Lohan of 7 years ago… Who was probably also Lohan.

  8. “Shit, I dropped my fork on the ground. Waiter…excuse me, waiter? Yes, sorry; I dropped my fork on the ground. I know you’re busy–your salad bar is a hit!–but when you have a moment, could you get me another one? Sorry for the trouble. Yes…yes, thanks so much. Sorry Jen, what were you saying?”

  9. Wait, what? Either this edgy (lol) re-telling of a fairy tale is going to be way more scarier/gorier than I thought, or “scary-looking set of horns” and “horror flick” are exaggerating things a bit.

  10. She probably still has Billy Bob’s entire discography on her iPod. That guy’s music sucked, huh. Freaky bastard.

    • This turned into just a mean-spirited comment towards Billy Bob with no joke. Ha, sorry Billy Bob! Didn’t realize I hated you so much!

      • Billy Bob is the joke. (With zings like that, he’ll soon regret calling my country bland 2 years ago!!!)

        • Billy Bob is history’s greatest monster. On the day he was conceived, the sun went black and the last of the unicorns died. If I had a time machine, I’d go back to that day and lock his parents in separate rooms for the duration. Then I’d kill Hitler. Then I’d go to whatever whatever period of time it was when people called each other hepcats and I’d call someone a hepcat. Then I’d come home because that would be enough stimulation for one day.

  11. How does one go about getting a place on the Beverly Hills brunch circuit? Do I need to qualify in smaller market brunch circuits? Can I eat brunch independently, or do I have to join a larger brunch team? Do I need to be sponsored?

  12. “More like Devil-ina, amirite guys?!” -Jennifer Aniston after 3 mimosas

  13. CALLING ALL THE BASIC WITCHES. CALLING ALL THE BASIC WITCHES. There is a new announcement: *You’re basic.*

  14. “Tomb Raider? More like Home Wrecker.”
    “Angelina Jerk-lie.”

    Also, it’s weird to mock someone because they’re horny? LOL, you have sexual desires! In. Your. FACE!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.