Speaking of Tom Cruise (as usual), the world has JUST RECEIVED some life and afterlife-changing news from childhood friends of Katie Holmes, regarding prayer and the existence of God and His willingness to grant the wishes prayers of children, regarding specifically, but perhaps not limited to, the celebrities they have crushes on and their future marriage to those celebrities. Celebuzz has the eternal scoop:

Angela Domschot, a former classmate of Holmes at the $18,000-a-year private Catholic school, Notre Dame Academy, said that Holmes used to pray for Cruise — years before she ever met him.

“In religion class, when we were about 16, we would have to say prayers to keep a certain someone safe and out of harm,” she said. “Katie would say it for Tom Cruise. We did that every day, so she would have said thousands of prayers for him.

“She also had a secret picture of him hidden in the inside of her text books. It’s crazy to think she married him – it was her dream come true.”

“Jesus said to her, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’ That’s the base-level of how many times you have to pray for Tom Cruise if you want Me to consider your marriage with Tom Cruise. More times would be better. Hidden pictures are a plus.”- Matthew 18:22. I hope you guys have been going to church regularly! And if you’re going to start now, clearly you should BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR! God’s like a genie! He just grants it and you have to deal with the consequences! Be safe out there! AMEN! AMENAMENAMEN!

Comments (33)
  1. I think now is the time to admit that Ive been praying to marry Natalie Portman since I was like 4….Does that mean we can annul her actual marraige? Its not too late! Right guys! Right?

  2. I used to pray to marry Mark Hoppus of Blink-182 when I was 14, and we are totes not married. WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW?!?!

  3. Can someone explain this “praying for people” thing to me? When my wife’s brother was in the hospital, people kept saying they wre pra ying for him. Like maybe God will spare his life, but only if he gets enough signatures on his prayer petition?

    • Even God’s caught up in this kickstarter craze. Prayers fully FUNDED!

    • As someone who comes from a background where people routinely pray for people (and pass around rosaries and other prayer accessories to ease the prayer process), it’s often about expressing empathy and letting the person know that he or she is in your thoughts. It’s about creating positive energy that often can help to motivate or soothe a person during a rough time.

      And I don’t know – when I pray for people it’s often not about sparing lives, but about making difficult times a little easier, like being able to die at home surrounded by friends and family.

      • Thank you for this response. It was spot on.

        My mom prays a lot and I think for her it really is a sign of empathy for the person but also helps her calm down in really bad times. It’s not necessarily about wanting miraculous recoveries so much as it is about showing you care. It’s like a “hey, I know you are having a shitty time, I’m here for you and you’re on my mind.”

        • I get that, but these people are actually saying her brother recovered because their prayers were with him. THAT is the part that I don’t get.

          • Maybe they just need to believe they weren’t entirely useless in a situation completely out of their control. Not saying I agree, but I can understand the sentiment.

            Of course the praying for someone to marry you thing is also called making a wish, same thing you do when you blow out candles on a cake.

    • Hannibal Buress has a pretty good bit about that


  4. Does this mean that god will grant your prayers, but they will turn out to be terrifying nightmare situations? Is…is god like the Monkey’s Paw from that W. W. Jacobs story? That’s unnerving.

  5. So I should be about five Hail Marys away from my marriage to Zak Bagans from Ghost Adventures, then. Excellent.

  6. Well if it worked for Katie, maybe it’ll work for me.
    (puts hands together to pray)
    Dear god,
    It’s me Profoblivion… sorry about that thing with the bottle rocket and the neighbors cat when i was nine and sorry about the bullfrog baseball games, but that wasn’t my fault. Well all i want this year for my birthday is a Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Henry Cavill man sandwich with a little bit of Taylor Lautner on the side. Amen.

  7. As far as I know Jared Leto is still Jared Leto and NOT Jordan Catalano, and Jordan Catalano doesn’t really exist but still totally ruined my expectations for high school so whatever, god.

  8. My god just smites people.

  9. Sweeeetttt. Lance Bass and I are totally getting married then, because I prayed for that shit *hard* when I was 12. I think the whole ‘gay’ thing is just to throw off the other NSYNC fans.

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