It’s summertime, we’re in the middle of a heatwave that has made it incredibly unpleasant to be anywhere other than the room you have your window-unit air conditioner in, and I know many of you guys are probably headed either to the beach or to your pool or to the pool of someone you’re friends with. That’s just great. That’s really nice for you guys, totally. So nice. And once you’re there you’re probably going to Tweet a few things about how it’s so great to take a swim on such a hot day, or how you really “needed this,” and you’re going to Instagram photos of your legs on the beach, behind whatever book you’re reading, and the beach is going to look so beautiful and clean and the water is going to look so blue and inviting, so much so that some of us may look at the your photos and Tweets from their muggy apartment where they are working for a living like they ASSUMED EVERYONE HAD TO?, and think, “I hate this person.” So searing their hatred will be that they’ll think that you MUST, IF THERE ARE ANY GODS IN THE UNIVERSE, be able to feel it slightly, at least for one passing moment. But you won’t be able to, of course. You, sitting on the beach or sipping on a frozen cocktail near someone’s incredible pool that couldn’t possibly be anywhere near the city so I have no idea where you are or why you aren’t at work — you’ll feel none of it. You’ll only feel the refreshing splash from someone playing a game in the pool, the soothing grains of sand on your feet, the warm sun nicely complementing the cool waters. You’ll feel relaxed. You’ll feel rejuvenated. You’ll feel A SHARK SNEAKING UP ON YOU AND BLOCKING YOU FROM GETTING BACK TO YOUR BOAT, HUNGRY FOR YOUR STRESS-FREE FLESH!!!!!!!!!

Stay out of the water, you guys. Stay in your hot, disgusting apartments. Go to work for what will apparently be the first time in your lives. STOP RELAXING. (Via TheDailyWhat.)

Comments (24)
  1. “Big whoop.” – This dog

  2. Damn it Kelly. On balance, I’m still a little sad I’m not in Hawaii. (When I went a few months ago I posted this exact Instagram:

  3. Is it me, or did that shark seem pretty chill?

  4. “A speargun and a knife were all they had to fend off the shark” UHHHHHHHHHHH

    Of all the things you could be swimming with, those seem to be two of the best you could have in this situation. Better than having any sort of firearm for sure.

  5. If you are wearing water-camo and carrying a harpoon, then it doesn’t count as a “close call with a Great White”!!
    It counts as “you getting up in that endangered species’ business, because you’re a huge asshole.”

    • We all just witnessed an inter-species home invasion, basically.

      • That is the exact example I use to describe why a) I don’t swim at the beach and b) why I’m not surprised why maybe 5-15 out of every 7 billion people on earth get attacked by sharks every year.

        “While sharks kill fewer than 20 people a year, their own numbers suffer greatly at human hands. Between 20 and 100 million sharks die each year due to fishing activity, according to data from the Florida Museum of Natural History’s International Shark Attack File. The organization estimates that some shark populations have plummeted 30 to 50 percent.” (National Geogrphic News)

        Teeth are the shark equivalent of a Slomin’s Shield.

        • Sharks should have a Swim Your Ground law.

        • Some shark populations are down about 95-98%, actually. Also dugong, sawfish, some turtles, and if you’ve ever seen a bluefin tuna in the water, you’re in the same category as people who have seen snow leopards in the wild. In short, people suck.

          This post brought to you by Downer Galaxy

  6. Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but you’re a shark, so spare me maybe?

  7. As someone who has to work in an office in the Summer, I offer your complaint no quarter, Kelly.

  8. “They want all sightings reported to the water police”


    “you’re under arrest, shark”

    “you there! shark! stop!”

    “don’t move a muscle, shark! I’m warning you”

    “I hope you like your cold, dark jail cell, shark. You’ll be here for a while”

    “Give me a reason”

    These are all very funny things I imagine water police (LOL) say often.

  9. So I love sharks, who doesn’t except for a lot of people I guess, but when I look at shark pictures or videos I have to pick my feet up off the floor because what if there’s one swimming around in the carpet. I even rolled away in my desk chair because I didn’t wanna be too close to the screen if he attacked.

  10. This reminds me. I think I’ll go to the beach on my lunchbreak and read for an hour. I’ll try to remember to take a picture for you guys.

  11. The shark circled them 3 times in 3 minutes? I didn’t even know sharks could have OCD.

  12. It was horrible! We just went into the water to kill things and suddenly this beast that could kill us just showed up!

  13. Kelly. My life is in shambles and I’m taking the bar exam a week from tomorrow and my boyfriend just broke up with me, and the only thing that’s kept me going is knowing that in 12 days I will be on the beach. But now you’ve taken that from me. I give up.

  14. Fashion people are always able to lead the fashion of things. Now a popular way of love fashion!!
    Can you accpet a new kind of love !if a man who is much older than you ! will you love him!! I have a BF we meet on agelover.C O M !! I always go to agelover.C O M ! I meet many handsome and rich man here! They like young girl!!I think it is a good place to make friend!!!!
    My boy always gave me a very warm feeling of security and sometimes just like my father!!we meet on Agelover.C O M we fall in love with each other!!!!
    I like this new kind of love !!!

  15. no thanks australia

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