HOLY SMOKES! I’M SORRY IF YOU LIKE TO START YOUR WEEK OFF CALMLY, GENTLY EASING YOURSELF AWAY FROM THE INTENSE WONDER OF THE LIGHTENING-FAST WEEKEND AND BACK INTO THE DRAGGING GROOVE OF THE WORKWEEK, BUT THIS IS NEWS THAT JUST CANNOT WAIT! BUT PLEASE MAKE SURE, FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, THAT YOU READY YOUR BODY AND MIND FOR THIS SHOCK BEFORE YOU READ ON. I WOULDN’T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR AN ANEURYSM OR BURST KIDNEY OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT JUST BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T PROPERLY PREPARE THEMSELVES FOR INCREDIBLE NEWS. AND ALTHOUGH IT COMES WITH THE TERRITORY (KRISTEN AND ROBERT RELATED NEWSTELLING), I WOULD RATHER NOT HAVE ANY HUMAN BLOOD ON MY TWILIGHT HANDS THIS MORNING. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I WOULD NOT LIKE YOUR EULOGY TO READ, “SO AND SO WAS FULL TO THE BRIM WITH LIFE AND A LOVE OF TWILIGHT, UNTIL SO AND SO GOT THE SHOCK OF THEIR LIVES ONE DAY WHEN THEY READ VIDEOGUM; AT LEAST THEY DIED DOING WHAT THEY LOVED: READING ABOUT KRIS AND ROB’S IRL RELATIONSHIP THAT ALMOST ALWAYS SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, EXCEPT IT IS TRUE.” I WOULD NOT LIKE TO INVOLVE MYSELF IN YOUR OTHERWISE PERFECT EULOGY. PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME. I TRUST THAT YOU HAVE PREPARED YOURSELF. WITH THAT IN MIND, HERE IS THE NEWS, FROM CELEBITCHY:

In rare unguarded moments for the fiercely private couple, they let themselves imagine life as parents. “They would talk about how they would raise their own children,” a set source tells Us Weekly. “Kristen would say, ‘Well, I’d never do this or that.’ Sometimes it would start off as a joke, but you knew they were really thinking about it.”

AHHHHH! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. “BUT WAS THERE EVER A TIME WHEN THEY WERE AT A FRIEND’S WEDDING AND KRISTEN STEWART TOUCHED SOMEONE’S PREGNANT STOMACH TO FEEL THE BABY KICK BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT IT WAS ‘SO COOL’?” WELL ACTUALLY IT’S FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT, BECAUSE…

And, when the couple — who has been together for three years — attended a friend’s wedding on June 23, they seemed more interested in what comes after marriage: the baby carriage.

“Kristen was talking to a pregnant guest and told her that she would love to have a baby with Rob,” says the source. “She thought it was so cool — at one point she touched the woman’s belly to feel the baby kick.”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! BUT WHAT DOES ROBERT THINK ABOUT THE WHOLE BABY SITUATION?

Pattinson, for his part, has long known that Stewart is the mother of his future children.

“He is over-the-moon in love with Kristen,” says a Twilight source. “For him, she’s The One, so it’s just a matter of when they decide to have kids.”

NO. FREAKING. WAY. YOU. HAVE. GOT. TO. BE. KIDDING. ME. ABOUT. THIS. NEWS. I. CANNOT. HANDLE. THIS. RIGHT. NOW. I. HAVE. TO. GO. SIT. ALONE. FOR. A. WHILE. TO. SORT. OUT. MY. FEELINGS. GOODNIGHT.

Comments (25)
  1. I can only assume that they are working with an attorney to hammer out future wee Stewart-Pattinson’s betrothal to Taylor Lautner.

  2. More like “Breaking Yawn”

    Sorry, Kelly.

  3. They should practice with an egg, 90s sticom style.

  4. Get ready, world; the world’s blandest baby is on its way!

  5. Twilight schmalight… where’s our Breaking Bad recap!!!

  6. “‘He is over-the-moon in love with Kristen,’ says a Twilight source.”

    Look I didn’t go to AP school but I’m pretty sure you can’t count the Twilight books as a source.

  7. Sometimes when I talk to my Mom about pop-culture kind of stuff, she’s blissfully unaware of people I somehow are forced to think about, even for a microsecond, every day. I used to think she was woefully out of touch, but now I’m realizing maybe I’m the one who has lost focus.

    For example, she’s getting ready to raft down the Colorado River, through the Grand Canyon for a week with my father. Meanwhile, I just read a whole post about how two knuckleheads want a baby. Game. Set. Match, Mom. Game. Set. Match.

  8. ‘It would be like, just the best thing ever, because they are so in love. I can tell, because I’ve watched all the movies so many times, and you just can’t fake that sort of chemistry.’ – my wife’s friend

    ‘You are f@#$ing mental’ – me

    • I legitimately thought they were each other’s beards/just doing this to promote their films together, until your wife’s friend made that moving cri de coeur.

  9. no wonder Andrew Garfield can’t stand them.

  10. Kristen Fucking Stewart – would you kiss your baby with that mouth?

  11. “And, when the couple — who has been together for three years — attended a friend’s wedding on June 23, they seemed more interested in what comes after marriage: the baby carriage.”

    Do they have a specific Pulitzer for Journalism and Poetry, or will we just have to award this guy the two separately?

  12. Their spawn would look like an untalented Danny DeVito.

  13. Haven’t they made enough shitty things together?

  14. so cute. My boyfriend thinks the same as I do. He is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at agelover“.c-0`m a nice and free place for younger women and older men, or older women and younger men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

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