OH THANK GOODNESS! It’s been almost three whole months since Kirk Cameron weighed in on the State of the World, but the bitch is back! He’s taking a break from his weird proto-racist-but-then-also-completely-paradoxical complaints that Barack Obama is somehow turning America into Nazi Germany, which is a real head-twister, he’s probably going to have to have a party sub and think through some of the argumentation on that one, so for the time being he’s returned to his old saw horse: gay marriage and how it is going to murder everyone. Klassik Kirk! You do start to wonder where these guys get the time. Like, I find that there aren’t enough hours in the day to do my work and then also, say, LAUNDRY, much less do my work and raise six children and also complain publicly ad nauseum about the private lives of people I don’t know who love each other. I Don’t Know How She Does It 2: Full Throttle: The Kirk Cameron Story. And that one lady said you couldn’t have it all. HA! Read your scripture, Slaughter.

Ugh ugh ugh. We do not need to spend the one millionth blog post debunking how ridiculous any argumentation against gay marriage is, because there is no gray area when it comes to equality, and life is short and for the living so we should spend it talking about farts and butts. That being said, it is particularly egregious to rail against gay marriage under the guise of being worried about how two loving gays would raise their kid. Hey fuck you! Not just because it is so crystal clear that that is not EVEN a problem, but because if you are truly concerned about the welfare of children, which is a totally legitimate and noble thing to be concerned with, then maybe you should actually do something real about it. There are currently 408,000 children in foster care. There are 16.4 million children living in poverty. Every year, 3.3 million reports of child abuse are filed. And these are just statistics for the United States, one of the richest countries in the world, and the country Kirk Cameron is working so hard to “protect.” We aren’t even talking about all the stupid poor ones all over the world. Yuck! Who cares about them?! (Seriously, who cares about them, since we clearly don’t even care about the ones we have?) It’s worth pointing out that these statistics come from the most basic of Google searches conducted by a certified moron. SO COME THE FUCK ON WITH YOUR SANCTIMONIOUS STRAW MAN ARGUMENTS THAT SOMEHOW IT IS A COUPLE OF GAY PEOPLE YOU JUST MADE UP WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT CHILDREN. (The devil’s advocate counter-argument, of course, is that just because those are problems children are facing doesn’t make gay marriage NOT a problem children are facing and therefore worth addressing. The only problem with this argument is that gay marriage isn’t a problem children are facing.) But, no, never mind, I guess the very best way to ensure the well being of our most precious resource is to take every opportunity we have to publicly spew hatred out into the world and to give them the shining example that you should demonize and condemn people for loving each other. That will fix them right the fuck up. (Via ChristianNightmares.)

Comments (46)
  1. ‘ve never heard of this National Organization for Marriage (and frankly, it sounds made up (haha, second Seinfeld reference today, Kramer!)), does Kirk just hire people to interview him? Is he running this thing?

  2. Cameron’s looking awfully shaven for someone who is standing up for god’s word.

  3. I can’t even express how disappointed I am that half of the videos in those fart/butt links don’t work anymore.

  4. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.

  5. Oh hey, well this is relevant!

    Facetaco! More content!

    • YOU DID IT!

      • email your tips and suggestions to yocbsraps@gmail.com.

        Yes that gmail account exists, and yes I will post all raps. What percentage of coffeetable book sales would you like FT? (this will have to wait obviously until Audio Coffeetable books exist)

        • 300% please! (In the future, when we have Youtube-enabled coffeetable books, we will be on metric percentages).

          • Actually, that is a genius idea. Why hasn’t anybody just made a coffeetable with a built-in Youtube-enabled monitor that can be set to different coffee table channels?

          • Perfect, we’ll do a 600/300 split then! Me math same as when highskool!

            I’ll talk to R&D about your next brilliant idea but they may still be upset about the time I had them spend on Oil Tanker Barrels and putting Ketchup and Mustard in the same bottle.

  6. Oh snap Oprah, you can’t compete with God. After that burn I’m sure you wish you were Fireproof.

  7. “Just because you love something doesn’t mean you can marry it. What’s next? A man marrying a delicious, artisan-crafted $5 footlong? I mean, where would I even find someone to perform that ceremony? And where would the wedding ring go? It’s just impractical. Some fantasies are just.. they’re just fantasies…”

  8. I’d just like to know why Kirk Cameron has failed to address the rumors that he wears an Alan Thicke mask and stares into a mirror while he masturbates.

  9. You know who I had a weird crush on as a kid? Joanna Kerns. Man that was one hot momma.

  10. Dude’s always talking about gay marriage! If he loves it so much, why doesn’t he marry it?

  11. Champion Of Marriage my ass. I believe Zsa Zsa Gabor holds that title. 9 times and with an amputated leg at 97 she’s still married to a German prince.

  12. Fireproof, promoted as kind of a thriller, looks like it is mostly just made up of scenes of Kirk Cameron reading thoughtfully in dark rooms.

  13. I like how Kirk’s not afraid to fail. It’s inspiring to see him carry that message in every thing he does. Otherwise, he’d just be another sad person sitting at home who doesn’t go on TV or interest group websites talking about stuff no one’s listening to

  14. God yeah all these gays having babies out of wedlock that they don’t even want and then abandoning and abusing them. Serious threat to marriage and family.

    By the way, one argument that has been successful in court to deny gay couples the right to marry is the accidental procreation argument. This is how it goes:

    1. The purpose of marriage is to provide a safe legal/social space for heterosexual couples who accidentally have babies.

    2. Since homosexuals never have babies on accident, and are in fact BETTER in this way than heterosexuals, they do not need the institution of marriage.

    Takeaway: terrible people don’t care so much about the rationale – they just know they don’t want gays to marry, and they’ll spew whatever they think will work.

  15. He has this confidence like he’s Neil DeGrasse Tyson talking about stars or something. You will never convince him otherwise.

  16. can we go back to just talking about rape?

  17. I feel bad that our media has subjected Kirk Cameron to an unreasonable amount of scrutiny instead of the reasonable amount of scrutiny, which presumably would have found no holes in any of his reasoning.

    • being Kirk Cameron, all around nice guy doesn’t get you on Piers Morgan. the thing is, nobody cares about Kirk Cameron unless Kirk Cameron hates gays, so why care about Kirk Cameron?

      It’s not like he has any cache with kids where they all want to be like him. My 19 year old cousin doesn’t know who John Candy is, what’s he going to give a shit about this guy for, let alone piggyback on his beliefs?

      getting angry and pointing fingers just keeps the attention on him to say worse and worse things. Its high time these people were marginalized and ignored by the media. it will make their garbage opinions fall by the wayside much faster than they will anyway.

  18. Well, Kirk Cameron and Daniel Tosh have at least one thing in common: they are both paid to be hurtful assholes. The only difference is that Daniel Tosh is aware of this fact.

  19. In related news: TARGET YOU JUST MADE THE LIST (AGAIN):

    Target won’t stock gay R&B star Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange, cites “guest demand”

    source: http://blogs.citypages.com/gimmenoise/2012/07/target_frank_ocean.php

  20. what a fucking yahoo.

  21. I see what you did there by spelling Classic with two Ks. I would have gone with Klassic Kirk Kameron, myself, because all 3 Ks are capitalized.

    Note: I do not believe that Kirk Cameron has actually participated in a cross burning.

  22. “I HAVE failed at the box office, I HAVE failed in my career…” #fixed

  23. Who, exactly, is persecuting Kirk Cameron? And where, exactly, can I sign up?

  24. Sorry to get all #personalgum, but I refuse to let anyone (especially someone named Kirk) tell me that my mother’s partner (stop the presses – a lesbian!) who has been my loving and supportive stepmom for half my life doesn’t love me and that I would have been better off had my mother stayed with my alcoholic, abusive father who kicked me out of the house when I was 19 or boycotted my wedding or told me I was doomed for failure or …

    Pssh.

  25. He sure makes a lot of sense, considering I certainly can’t think of any kids I know whose straight parents have fucked them up…..yeah, no, never mind, he makes absolutely no sense and I want to punch him in his scruffy throat.

  26. Ever since I watched Fireproof, I wanted to save my marriage by reading a book like the guy in that movie did. Except I’ve never seen Fireproof. And I’m not married.

  27. i have nothing clever to say… that is the level of disgust i have for him.

  28. I think it is the strained expression, that seems to be some dramatic imitation of the act of thought, that arouses in me such detestation. It should be pity, maybe, but it’s not. I feel similarly toward all those sad couples trying to save their marriages by letting Kirk Cameron tell them what his fictional character was reading in a movie.

  29. 6-Year-Old Boy Will Give You “10 Reasons NOT to vote for Barack Obama” on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VS0jhoWhqI8&feature=plcp

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