As by now you probably know, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have already finalized the settlement of their divorce just days after it was announced. It surely involves a certain amount of monetary remuneration for Katie Holmes in return for her legally mandated silence. Some people are suggesting that she has been banned from talking about his sexual preference for men, or from disclosing the true nature of his relationship with the Church of Scientology and what happens behind their closed, golden doors. No one, of course, is suggesting that it’s not anyone’s business whatsoever because despite their very public relationship and the invasive nature of modern celebrity culture and just the overall sense that something’s WRONG with Tom Cruise, the two of them are, as far as science can determine, both HUMAN BEINGS in charge of the welfare of a living child and therefore deserve a modicum of decency and a respect for some semblance of their privacy, whatever that even means at this point. No one is saying that we shouldn’t all bury our noses deep into whatever they have going on between them and snort around. So, we can talk about that if we want, just jump right into that swamp of sadness along with everyone else, OR, we can talk about how puppies make messes and how when you come home to find a big puppy mess on the one hand you are like GODDAMN IT, PUPPY, THOSE WERE MY BELONGINGS YOU RUINED ALL OVER THE PLACE, and on the other hand you are like, OH PUPPY, IT IS A SURPRISE TO SEE YOUR FACE EVERY SINGLE TIME I JUST WANT TO PUT YOUR FACE ON A SANDWICH! It’s really up to you guys which one we discuss. Do we douse ourselves in schadenfreude and light a rumor match or do we PUPPPIIEEEEEEES MAKIN’ MESSESSSSSS?! Up to you. 100%.

Comments (25)
  1. Tom Cruise is actually like a puppy in that they’re both prone to jump up on the couch when everyone would prefer they didn’t.

  2. How about we split the difference and look at puppies going ghost protocol?

  3. Can we do both? Most puppies aren’t even Operating Thetan Level 2s. It’s weird, and no one ever discusses it.

  4. puppies hate toilet paper so much:

  5. My puppy has been home for a week and he is cute and I love him but he is sick and has made, to date, 5 messes in the house. :( :( :(

  6. I pick puppies.

  7. When I had a dog, she was smart enough to figure out digging under the gate meant escape. Not so much with the whole “playing-fetch-requires-that-you-give-me-the-toy-so-I-can-throw-it-again” process.

  8. One of my favorite things to do is when a dog sticks its head out the driver’s window of a car, I yell “HEY DOG, EYES ON THE ROAD!”

  9. So the internet showed me this…

  10. I’d like to have both. I am a big fan of this fake news story, but I’m also a big fan of this…

  11. I’m already so over this whole day. Puppies is the only correct choice.

  12. Ugh. What is this? Tom Cruise is a very rich, very handsome, very crazy person, and I demand to know all of his business AND look at puppies! I will not choose!

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