The Wall Street Journal reports that there are currently three different movies about Wikileaks that are in various stages of development, but that each of them is waiting to see what actually happens before writing an ending. (Well, one of them, the Universal one, is a documentary, but still.) That’s a lot of movies, so this ending better be GOOD. All eyes are on Julian Assange. Shhhh! HBO has a director lined up, but that’s all we know. Dreamworks has a writer and stuff, but as the president of production points out:

“We’re still waiting to see what happens with Julian,” Ms. Bario said. “And if you’re going to invest in this story, you’ve got to have a satisfying ending.”

You’re telling us, sister! SATISFY US! It’s like that scene in Gladiator. “Are you not satisfied? ARE. YOU. NOT. SATISFIED?!” Remember? Gladiator? When is the Gladiator reboot, by the way? No! Stay focused. Oh how will it all end?!?!?!?! JULIAN ASSSANGEEEEEE! Here are some ideas:

  • True love brings Julian Assange back to life and now he can control the bullets with his mind because he is the chosen one.
  • Morgan Freeman walks up the beach of Zihuatanejo in his bare feet and there’s Julian Assange, working on some old boat.
  • It turns out Julian Assange was Kaiser Soze the whole time, man.
  • It turns out Julian Assange was Julian Assange and Tyler Durden the whole time, man.
  • Kevin is reunited with his family on Christmas morning but Julian Assange did not take it easy on the Pepsi.
  • The dog dies at the end.
  • Julian Assange wakes up and it had all just been a wikidream.

Next summer: Channing Tatum IS Wikileak.

Comments (38)
  1. You’ve seen Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, right?

  2. Just as long as Bill Hader plays him

  3. Umm, did you know that they actually did plan a sequel to Gladiator? It was written by Nick Cave (presumably with his red right hand), and they were going to make Maximus immortal and show him throughout history. I think we need to get Nick Cave to write the Wikileaks movie, and at the end SPOILER ALERT Julian Assange was really Maximus the whole time!

    • Sorry we couldn’t get Nick Cave, but Nick Cage has agreed to play Julian so it’s all good

    • Ok, I am actually intrigued by this because Nick Cave wrote The Proposition, which I really loved. Also does anyone have a gif of Julian Assange doing his terrible goth dancing?

      • That was suuuuuch an excellent movie!! I lent it to my boss over a year ago and he still hasn’t watched it. And every time I ask for it back, he says “I’m going to watch it this weekend and bring it in on Monday!” LIES!!

  4. It was earth all along? You blew it up? Damn. Damn you all to hell.

  5. Judge: You’ve been sentenced to life in prison at an undisclosed location.

    Assange: Jokes on you, Judge. The location has already been leaked. Now where’s the bathroom, I gotta take a wicked leak.

    *Rolling Stones “Under My Thumb” plays over credits*

  6. Wikileaks is people!

  7. Julian Assange is really Dick Whitman. …and he turns into a zombie RIGHT AS CARL WANDERS AWAY FROM THE GROUP!

  8. Is Sophia Coppola directing one of the movies? If she is, I suspect it will end with a mistrial.

  9. it should end with the same final exchange as ‘Eyes Wide Shut’

  10. Julian Assange breaks his leg falling off a horse. He knows he’s done for, and chooses to stay behind to hold off the enemy, giving his allies time to escape. The closing shot is him, on the ground with a gun, waiting for the fascists to come.

  11. “wrap partyyy”

    judging by his current incarceration, mr. assange has never wrapped anything.

  12. Julian Assange stops his love interest from getting married, and they escape on a bus, but it’s just like, what now, man?

    • Then after the credits is a scene where they go to the front of the bus, and it’s being driven by Keanu Reeves. AAAAAAAAAAAH!

  13. I hope it ends with Assange getting a damn haircut already.

    • Scooby and the kids unmask him and it turns out Julian was actually Old Mr Finkleman, the groundskeeper.

      It ends with him saying “I would have got away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids”.

  14. If it ends with him going to jail, then I think we can assume he will also be holding on to his butt.

  15. They should just focus on his Ibiza exploits and ignore the wikileaks scandal completely, with jj doing the soundtrack.

  16. It turns out, Julian’s house is on an ancient Indian burial ground. And they do NOT like wikileaks.

  17. Julian looks over at Helena Bonham Carter and says, “You met me at a very strange time in my life.” Then they look out the window at all the bank businesses and they all collapse. In economic terms, I mean. Because he leaked all their secrets. The buildings are still entirely intact.


  18. It ends like this, with Assange lying down next to his dog and telling us we just wasted hours of our lives watching this piece of shit:

  19. Either he busts some sweet moves in an Icelandic dance club or he rapes a few women and proclaims he’s actually being prosecuted for his political beliefs, not the whole rape bit.

  20. But now word is their definately talking Xmen 4 which is something the director of the first 3 said he’d never do but now he wants to.

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