This show is like a screensaver for your TV. It’s mildly hypnotic and nothing actually happens. It’s like flying toasters, if all the toasters were snipy bitches with status anxiety. Man, remember flying toasters? Defined an era. What do you have, Greatest Generation? Tom Brokaw? Good luck.

Anyway, Cuntess DeLesseps is having a birthday party for her dog, because that’s what being rich is all about. Well, maybe not being rich, but that’s definitely what having the mentality of a spoiled three year old is all about. Birthday party for your dog. Biiiiiiiitch pleeeeeeeze. If you want to have the other melting nightmares over to neglect your children and drink gin fizzes just have the other melting nightmares over and neglect your children and drink gin fizzes. No one is stopping you. Obviously. (Speaking of, where IS child services?)

Meanwhile, Simon and Alex go to their favorite store. It’s their favorite, because no one points their finger at Simon and shouts “YOU ARE GAY. YOU ARE A GAY MAN.”

It was either these green suede loafers, or the hot pink suede loafers. As if you can even see the color of the suede loafers through the glory hole. Later, they also neglect their children and go to the beach. I NEED AN ADULT.

Yeah. When in Rome do as the Romans and take off your shorts to reveal a horrifying Speedo but then put on a normal bathing suit? Rome stuff. Taking off your pants in public and then putting on some new pants two seconds later when clearly you probably should have just been wearing the second pair of pants in the first place but then how would people know that one time you went to Greece is just something normal that human beings do.

“I am not a homosexual alien from Planet Awkward here to melt your mind with my insane behavior.”
–Simon McCord

Ramona and Bethanny go out to lunch, and Ramona does some pretty impressive showing off.

Whoa, STOP THE PRESS, VICKI VALE. You’re telling me that in the early-to-mid-90s you CONTRIBUTED to not one, but TWO articles in Cosmo? Were you a pallbearer at John Updike’s funeral, because you’re fucking brilliant. On Ramona’s resume it just says “Experience: Executive 1847-Present.”

And she paperclips this picture to the cover letter:

AHHHHHHH. Incredible. Even from a young age you could tell that Ramona was an absolute horror.

Back to the Cuntess. She and her husband, the Count, are being honored by the American Cancer Society. This is good news and bad. It’s good news because The Cuntess loves attention, but it’s bad news because her slave is in the Philippines visiting her family and the Cuntess has to order the pizza for the children herself. She actually tells the pizza person to write “Countess” on the delivery slip. I hope the way the American Cancer Society honors people is by shooting them.

This is seriously why they invented the guillotine. Look it up. Bethanny is like “Um, you need to chill.”

Ha, Bethanny.

The Count can’t be there to accept the award because “he’s in China.” Of course he is. When you are married to this woman, you travel often, and you travel as far as the plane will take you. Even in the pre-taped video they made together, he sits literally as far away from her as possible.

“Do I need to be in this? I have a plane to Siberia to catch in five minutes.”

After the awards, or whatever it is when the American Cancer Society gives you a thing, Bethanny decides to get her groove back. For cancer.

Whoops. That fan has apparently seen the show!

Not much from the new girl this week.

She went to a fashion party on her own, which was literally filmed in the same Hamptons party garden as the Gossip Girl season 2 premiere.

After the party she went and fucked Nate Archibald. Forget it, Jake, it’s Cougar Town.