When I first moved back to New York a number of years ago, I remember having this very boring and dull thought that you’d expect to hear from some college freshman smoking Djarum’s on the quad after a veggie burger dinner in the cafeteria, thinking he’d just struck intellectual gold and all his professors should probably quit their jobs because he was the new genius now, dawg. But basically I was doing some temp work for this web company that published on-line diets. You’d register for an account and they provided you with recipes for your meals to help you control your caloric intake or some such. And the thing is, this company was doing pretty well: they had a nice office in Dumbo, and the people who worked there seemed very nice. And my dumb thought was just about how everyone came into that office every day and spent a majority of their lives there and a huge part of their experience on a day-to-day level was going into this place to do a thing most people didn’t even know existed necessarily but was completely central to their own idea of the world, and how their nice office was just one of the offices on one floor of this one building in Dumbo which is actually a smaller neighborhood out of all the neighborhoods in New York, and from there you extrapolate to all of the secret, hidden corners of the city, and all the unknown lives they contain, and from there you can branch out to all of buildings in all of the cities in all of America and then out into the world, and it’s very overwhelming and it’s not in any way novel nor does it have any real depth to simply realize there are lots of people in the world and they’re very different from you and they do different things and see everything through different eyes and sit at different desks thinking different thoughts and looking out different windows. But at some point you get to a guy on a porch with a pet raccoon biting him on the arm making a 30 second YouTube video called “Hannah Montana Coon Repellent,” because that’s out there, too, as one of the possibilities.

At lunch, I’m going to fill up a juice glass with every different kind of soda and one for each milk. #DormLife (Via WarmingGlow.)

Comments (24)
  1. If you ask me, it smells just like Miley Cyrus coon repellent.

  2. Well Santa has to finance all of those toys somehow!

  3. “Bite me now.”

  4. Let’s not ignore that fact that this guy is in possession of what appears to be a perfume for young girls.

  5. Even if you’re talking about actual raccoons, why would you not use a less racially-charged word? I’m starting to question this guy’s business acumen.

  6. I’m really disturbed by the fact that his mustache is yellow while the rest of his facial hair is so white.

  7. So is this his pet? He seems REALLY calm for someone getting bit by a feral animal. “Stop biting me” is not a normal response to being bit by a raccoon that is out during the daytime.

    I only ask because two of my friends adopted a family of baby possums and I assume this is the best possible end scenario for them. Actually, I didn’t even know this *could* be a scenario until now.

    Thankfully, as they live in Hollywood, they probably already have Hannah Montana repellent (to repel Hannah Montana).

    • yeah, it’s like, sell us something that gets your skin tough enough to protect against raccoon bites and we don’t need a spray to keep them from attacking us.

    • But then he wouldn’t be risking a rabies infection to make a 30-second fake commerical about a fake product, which if it did exist, would be so specialized as to be virtually unmarketable.

      Where’s the fun in avoiding that?

  8. He had to take his shirt off for this?

  9. This is amazing. Pet raccoons always baffle me. They seem fun, but after they turn a certain age they must be let into the wild, because they will go wild.

    • Or you can just yell at them not to bite you in the same tone that I use to tell my dog not to eat my lunch.

    • After a youth spent in civilization, I can’t imagine they’ll fit right in, out there in the wild…

      YOUR RACCOON: I say, fellows, touch of a chill in the air tonight! We’d best abscond to the shelter of a warm hearth! And you there, quite desist from licking that discarded sardine tin–lest your desire is for a troubled digestive tract and a cut on the tongue. Rather!

      OTHER RACCOONS: Grrrr, krrrrrl, hsssss.

      • MY RACCOON (cont’d): I say, good sirs.Could one of you be a chap and direct me to the nearest bearded man? For the evening is upon us, and the bearded men are surely awaiting our presence to sit upon their laps and dine on the morsels suspended among the hairs of their beards, as we do, eh, what what.

        OTHER RACCOONS: Grrrr, krrrrrl, hsssss.

        • I keep imagining dandy raccoons wearing ascots that have no idea how to relate to their cousins. Partially because of what you wrote and partially because that’s where my mind goes when I haven’t had enough to eat.

  10. My cat is so fat she looks like a raccoon. We try to get her to diet, but if we change her food she starves herself into liver failure. So our choice is either dead cat or raccoon cat. Fortunately she doesn’t bite!

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