As we all sit around and watch the very notion of true and lasting love die right before our eyes, a lot of attempts are going to be made to understand what happened as if it even matters because what’s the point? It’s hopeless! Lots of relationships go through ups and downs but if TomKat can’t make it work then who can? Nobody, I bet. But, so, in a desperate attempt to keep ourselves occupied while all of our hearts simultaneously break, people want to know HOW and WHY did THE DREAM die, and the answer is: no one will ever know but Scientology was probably involved no duh. Over the weekend, people started saying that Katie was leaving Tom because of Scientology. And then they got more specific: Katie was leaving Tom because she was convinced that he was going to donate (my word) Suri to Sea Org, which is a strict program within the church in which the Sea Org members serve cocktails on a boat and sign a ONE BILLION YEAR CONTRACT to the volcano Engineer or whatever (gets me every time! Sometimes I forget and then this detail pops up again and I remember and I laugh and laugh). Was Tom going to make Suri serve drinks on the boat? Would Suri spend the next one billion years in a volcano? Hard to say. And then TMZ was reporting that Scientologists might have been tailing Katie Holmes in an unmarked SUV. Yikes! (My favorite part of that story is how they point out that there is “a publication” tailing Katie, but that there are also other people tailing her. “A publication.” Could be anybody, right, TMZ? No way to know which “publication” is tailing her. Stay on the case, guys! Crack that scoop! Assholes.) But then the “church” officially told TMZ they were “not” tailing Katie Holmes, so maybe they aren’t, although they didn’t rest their case by saying “we rest our case” so the case is still open. Meanwhile, Rupert Murdoch broke his legendary silence about Tom and Katie’s divorce by tweeting about it. And guess what Rupert Murdoch thinks killed love for once and for all: Scientology. And he would know because he owns the news.

There’s no way for any of us to truly know what goes on in the private lives of others, even when they are the Olympic Dream Team of Romantic Couples who are def in love forever and so sad to see them split apart and it will never be the same but the point of this story is that Scientology has something to do with it not sure what but almost certainly something no duh. No duh!

Comments (80)
  1. I’m scared to comment on this.

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  2. We all know who really broke this marriage up:

  3. There is a Church of Scientology in downtown Toronto, and I went one time because I wanted to see that machine that they put your head into to kill the aliens that cause negative energy inside your brain or whatever, but they wouldn’t let me in without a donation. The only room I was allowed to see was a room full of L Ron Hubbard books for sale. That man was a goddamn genius. It takes such a pair of balls to say “If I wanted to be a billionaire, I’d start a cult.” and then start a cult and become a billionaire. I worship that man, but only because I wish I could pull of that kind of scam.

    • A scam that carries on for decades after you’re dead is truly the Scam of Scams.

      • A scam that carries on decades afer you’ve died and that you full on announce was a scam before you even started it. And that you, I’m pretty sure, intentionally made as bat-shit insane as possible. It’s like Cthulu and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, only people are wearing their Serious Pants for this one.

    • There is a scientology center near me that is housed in what used to be a science museum. That just seems sacrilegious somehow.

    • I’ve seen their “stress test” machine! They had one on my college campus. They were pretty active in evangelizing my campus my freshman and sophomore year, but for whatever reason, I don’t remember seeing them much after that. But they used to sit outside the cafeteria where students with meal plans ate and tried to get them to take stress tests and handed out weird books! So creepy.

      • I always run into them whenever i’m walking on Boston Common. Once, outside the library, my boyfriend and I watched this kid (couldn’t have been older than 20) frantically scampering around trying to hand out pamphlets. He was all dressed up in his finest missionary outfit. My boyfriend talked to the kid for a while, trying to politely gauge why the hell he was into Scientology. He said he’d been in the church his whole life, he really likes the church, seemed genuinely into Scientology (as you would expect when raised in a cult). He looked so nervous when he was talking to us. I always get bummed out when i read about kids raised in Scientology, seeing one in real life was super depressing.

    • I worked in a university law library for a bit and the Church of Scientology actually sent a box of Hubbard’s “works.” Pretty sure they ended up in the dumpster. Even librarians, who will defend books to the death, did not want that garbage.

      • I tried to read his Mission Earth or Operation Earth sci-fi books or whatever they were called when I was 11. I actually enjoyed the first book — it was full of starships and comically nefarious villains and secret prison planets (maybe it had a lot of Scientology symbolism in it that I missed, the same way I missed that Aslan was Jesus). But when I finished volume 1, I considered that there were 9 or 10 volumes to go — and that was that.

        I wanted instead to get to work on honing the short attention span that has served me so well in adulthood.

  4. Why is no one tying the announcement of this divorce to the release of Rock of Ages? Katie Holmes simply realized that she didn’t want to be married to Stacee Jaxx and his monkey. Simple as that.

  5. Scientology is really scary, Gabe. Don’t piss those people off. I did a tour out of curiosity and asked a lot of weird questions about Xenu and volcanoes and afterwards kept getting harassing emails (because they were scary and threw me off and I accidentally gave them my real spam email after they asked SO MANY random questions about my identification in a closed, hot room). All I wanted to know was the history of the building and why they all wear itchy-looking navy polyester pants.

    TMZ is garbage, but those Thetans are super creepy.

    • There is a really good article about Paul Haggis and Scientology (http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/02/14/110214fa_fact_wright). It is scary. And by scary I mean very handsome and I would never, I mean never say anything disparaging about that charming cause so, you know, no need to start a file or anything crazy like that.

    • The organization of Scientology is actually truly frightening. Have you ever read up on Sea Org? Scary stuff! They are like our generation’s Illuminati or something.

      • I took a stress test once (pre-tour). They keep fucking with knobs and dials and ask you the dumbest questions i.e. “Do you ever feel sad. Think of something that makes you feel sad.” My friend and I did it on a lark a few years before I moved to L.A. and the really scary stuff about them was not public knowledge. (My tour was pre-scary info too.) Then they spent 10 minutes trying to sell us a copy of Dianetics.

        Stay the fuck away is my point. Tom will be auditioning a new war bride soon.

    • Have you guys read the story of Xenu? It’s HILARIOUS!!!
      In summary:
      This dude Xenu, ruler of the galaxy or whatever, was facing revolution by the 178 billion people in the galaxy or wherever, so he summoned them together under the guise of “income tax inspections”, paralyzed them, put them all aboard a (presumably hilariously oversized) space plane that looked almost identical to an old Douglas DC-8, shipped them off to planet Teegack (now called “Earth”), dropped them off around the craters of several volcanoes, and DETONATED HYDROGEN BOMBS that had been placed there at some time in the past, killing MOST of them! Not all of them, because, of course, it’s perfectly reasonable that one could survive A HYDROGEN BOMB DETONATION ON THE SIDE OF A VOLCANO

      Haha WHERE DO I SIGN UP

      • You forgot to mention the part where the tortured souls of the explodey guys fused together and now inhabit our own bodies, blocking us from achieving spiritual purity or happiness or whatever.

  6. “Yo Holmes, smell ya later!”
    -Tom Cruise

  7. Guys, I have a confession. About a month and a half ago I had a dream that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise split up. And now they did. I am not saying that I am either prophetic or have the power to control the world through sleep, but I definitely think we should all maybe be careful because there is like a 75% chance that Dinosaurs are coming back, and boy are they pissed. On the other hand, there is a 25% chance that all my teeth will fall out which will suck for me but not really affect anyone else.

  8. So I thought that when you said a one billion year contract you were being hyperbolic, but then I clicked that link and IT’S ACTUALLY A ONE BILLION YEAR CONTRACT. Mind = blown.

  9. i heard it was the bird shit facials that were the last straw.

  10. This is just the plot of Ghostbusters 2.

  11. So I went to visit a good friend of mine about ten years ago in LA (she now works in Hollywood on Mad Men!) but back then she was taking me on a tour and said she wanted to show me the most ridiculous place in town: the Scientology Celebrity Center. So we stopped by around 10PM. There was a party on the grounds, but the actual “center” was open and fully staffed by a woman in a ridiculous uniform. L. Ron Hubbard’s office was supposedly as he left it – you could look in and peer past the velvet ropes. The woman asked us – at 10 PM mind you – if we wanted a full tour of the facility. Now I don’t know about you, but a group that keeps a facility staffed 24/7 with people in weird costumes and asks people if they want a tour at 10PM is very, very weird to me. Granted, most religions have people dress up in silly costumes, but I got a really weird vibe from this woman. We left, laughing…

    • The ceremony is to congratulate people on making it to the next OT level. You learn this on the tour. Also, they do NOT think it is funny if you ask where they keep L. Ron’s body.

  12. Did you guys see that Tom Cruise has been married three times, and each one ended in divorce when his wife was 33? Usually I’d say it’s coincidence but who the hell knows with this guy

    Here’s the article that mentions it http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/saga-of-tom-and-katie-may-be-as-much-about-showbiz-as-about-a-failed-relationship/2012/07/01/gJQAQIikGW_story.html

  13. Also, this:

  14. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • For every one successful Scientologist actor, there are 50 poor Scientologist schmucks building Tom Cruise a new tennis court.

    • Just because it’s not more ridiculous than any other religion doesn’t mean that it’s not ridiculous.

    • While an atheist, I do see Scientology as definitely more ridiculous than all of the other religions like wo.

      • The thing with Scientology as opposed to, let’s say, Christianity or Judaism, is that they claim the crazy stuff happened relatively recently, but what they claim is not any less far-fetched than the sh-t you will find in any section of the Bible.

        I guess that when some text has survived for thousands of years, like the Bible has, people give it a pass but, at the end of the day, it is all the same of magical thinking with zero basis in reality.

        • Except that even by the most generous reckoning possible, billion-year contracts and blackmail and galactic warlords who blow up planetary penal colonies and, oh right, a complete basis in a moneymaking scam aren’t anything close to a rich, complex, historically problematic and influential tapestry of faith and tradition and cultural identity.

          Scientology is not a religion, even when looked at through the most soft-focus lens possible. It’s at best a self-help movement, and at worst a dangerous cult.

          • Crazy, ridiculous stories + 5000 years = rich, complex, historically problematic and influential tapestry of faith and tradition and cultural identity.

            Crazy, ridiculous stories + 200 years = Mitt Romney is weird

            Crazy, ridiculous stories + 50 years = Ha ha, Tom Cruise is crazy

            It’s just a matter of time, really.

          • No. It’s really just not. Parables are not the same as brainwashing, no matter how anti-religion you are. Forcing members through “auditing” to cleanse their “negative thetans” while using the sensitive personal information gathered in that process as a blackmail tool is not a religious practice. God does not charge you to take the OTIII course. Scientology is not, and never has been, a religion. It has verifiably nothing to do with faith. It is a cult ginned up by a sci-fi author based on his self-help book in order to scam money from people. The Catholic Church does not claim it can cure your dyslexia and will tell you how if you’d like to make a modest donation in order to take a course. Judaic law does not require you to cut non-Jewish friends and family members out of your life entirely as “supressive persons.” Mohammed did not publicly state that Islam was merely a moneymaking scheme. And on and on and on.

            In conclusion: nope. Nope nope nope.

          • The Catholic Church, which any Catholic can tell you, runs on donations of all sizes claims that it can cure leprosy.

            Orthodox Jews claim cheeseburgers are evil.

            We should really have this conversation in 7012.

          • Oh good grief, give me a break.

            YOU should go have this conversation on a Ricky Gervais fanboard. Maybe they won’t roll their eyes at the idiocy of you equating kosher tradition that’s based on a symbolic separation of symbols of life and death with fucking nutjobs who lease spaces in malls so they can assault people with e-meters and tell them “Scientology can help with that” and then fleece them out of thousands of dollars while ensuring that by the time they’re told about clams and Xenu and controlling the universe with their minds, they’ll be so brainwashed and implicated by all the information they gave while “auditing” that they couldn’t get out if they tried. Give. Me. A. Fucking. Break.

          • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • Is that supposed to be clever or pithy? Is it supposed to make sense? You seem to think this is a debate about the merits of religion. It’s not. It’s a discussion about the validity of Scientology as a religion, even if one thinks all religions are bullshit (and for the record, I’m an atheist). They may very well be, but that doesn’t make Scientology a religion. SCIENTOLOGY IS A CULT BASED ON A SELF-HELP BOOK BY A SCI-FI AUTHOR. He initially tried to promote it as a therapy tool but the medical community rejected it. He then turned it into a money-making scam. It has a fucking Navy. IT IS NOT A RELIGION, NO MATTER WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT RELIGION, PRO OR CON. Ice isn’t fruit just because you put it in a smoothie.

            For your sake, I hope they have reading comprehension in 7012, otherwise you’re not going to have any luck then either.

          • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • I hear you, but Christianity and Judaism are premised on basic, very prevalent themes: an omnipotent god, and a virgin birth. That’s not exactly aliens and space ships and hydrogen bombs and aliens in your bloodstream.

          • Sorry, but other religions are money-making scams. See: Catholic church.

    • Most religions don’t sue you and threaten your life when you try to leave. MOST.

    • “Crazy made-up religion? I smell a Tony!” – Trey Parker

  15. That’s an actual picture of what Katie Holmes looks like now??? Good lord. Don’t marry Tom Cruise, ladies.

  16. rupert murdoch’s face looks like a sleepy nut sack… just sayin’.

  17. Why is “because he is batshit crazy closet case” never mentioned as a possible reason for the divorce?

    Yes, I know, all those hacks fear the wrath of Tom.

  18. The “auditing” process goes on for six, seven, 10 hours at a time, for like days and weeks at a time. During the whole process they barely let you sleep and you are constantly reminded of how shitty you are. No wonder Katie looks like she’s in her mid-forties. Also, this: http://gawker.com/5487629/life-inside-scientology-physical-abuse-psychological-torture-and-billion+year-contracts

  19. I’m glad Scientology is the only weird faith, otherwise this world would be supes messed up.

  20. Of course there is also that long-running rumor about Tom Cruise being sterile, his children with Kidman were adopted, and Katie Holmes– after making it past the interview process– was inseminated with L. Ron’s frozen sperm.

    EWwwwwww

  21. ost religions don’t sue you and threaten your life when you try to leave. MOST.

  22. Actually, most religions do threaten your life. Most.

    If your own full brother, or your son or daughter, or your beloved wife, or you intimate friend, entices you secretly to serve other gods, whom you and your fathers have not known, gods of any other nations, near at hand or far away, from one end of the earth to the other: do not yield to him or listen to him, nor look with pity upon him, to spare or shield him, but kill him. (Deuteronomy 13:7-12 NAB)

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