Oh, girl. The truth is — and I don’t want you to think that we’ve all been talking about you guys behind your back all this time, but I do just want you to know the truth — none of us have EVER liked him. He’s not that handsome, first of all, I’M SORRY, and the way he always pays for dinner seems more condescending than anything else. You know what I mean? I know when you met him in the elevator at work or when you were both in line at Dairy Queen and ordered the same thing or when you were in that traffic jam or WHATEVER he seemed like the man of your dreams. And I’m sure he has his sweet moments, hell, I’m sure he seems great sometimes. You must’ve married him for some reason other than fear of being lonely for the rest of your life. But girl, remember on your wedding day when your entire wedding party fell into that lake, LOL, and he swam to safety without even looking back at you, leaving you to be helped by one of your bridesmaids who eventually had to yell at him to come over and help you up onto the dock because she couldn’t do it herself? You must remember that. Here, let me refresh your memory a bit.

Dump him, girl. (Thanks for the tip , Werttrew.)

Comments (25)
  1. Gabe, is your phone working now or did you have to get a new one?

  2. Ahhhh the bride was the ONLY ONE who was completely submerged! She just went 100% under the water! Goodness gracious. (I really, really hope this was post-ceremony.)

    Y’all, I just got asked to be a MOH yesterday, and I had no idea part of the MOH responsibilities might include fishing the bride out of a lake when the groom high tails it with little to no concern for his new wife! I thought my only duties would be getting everyone food poisoning and having a mental breakdown on a plane/at the shower. #obligatorybridesmaidsreferences

    • I’m going to be a MoH in September! My duties are pretty light as I live in a different province about 9 hours’ drive away from her. So basically, her poor sisters are doing all the work while I sit back and take all the glory! If I had to rescue her from a lake I guess I really couldn’t complain, is what I’m saying.

      • Videogum MoH Club!!

        I live 2 hours away from the bride and 2 hours away (in a different direction) from our hometown where she’ll be getting married. I foresee a lot of money spent on gas in my future.

    • Also, you are to act as a decoy should any ruffians try to abscond with the bride, and should the groom and best man be unable to fend off any threats (I can only imagine that bridal dresses are not very convenient for hiding shivs or cudgels for one’s own protection)

    • I blame the dress. She was wearing the most fabric and was therefore the most waterlogged.

      • Yes, poor thing! You know that thing took FOREVER to dry out. She was probably so damp and uncomfortable at the reception, and I bet the bridesmaids dresses were dry in a flash.

    • Oh guys, can we talk about wedding disasters now?

      I was a bridesmaid a few years back and the mother of the bride BURNT A HOLE in my bridesmaid dress with the iron!!! We then had to take some random fabric that was close to but not quite the same color as my dress and sew a fake ruffle on to cover it up! Fun fun fun! We also forgot the guest book and the pillow for the ringbearer when we left the hotel. Wooo!

      • I have SO MANY stories but this is not going to be that Tuesday. I fucking hate weddings. I have been a bridesmaid too many times to count. Even normal people turn insane. Insane people turn totally insane. Elope and have a party, that’s what I say.

        Then watch the Man Stroke Woman wedding episode. It is very funny.

      • My friend’s father-in-law surprised them with an open bar as a wedding present. The wedding was in a conservation area and the entire wedding party got kicked out because they kept pushing each other into the lake. The groom’s sister’s strap broke during Van Halen and she finished the air guitar solo before pulling her dress back up. I was swaying drunk before the speeches were done, tried to walk home, and woke up with a used band aid on my foot (I was not wearing band aid that day). I got in a screaming fight with a guy at the next table because I thought he was giving my friend a dirty look, which ended up with us frantically making out on the wedding party’s table. I don’t remember a thing past like 8 pm, but neither does anyone else so at least if I did anything too embarrassing it is lost to the world and my dignity remains (sort of) intact…

      • Yikes! I do not have any wedding disaster stories (most of my friends are as unloveable as I am), but that is a doozy.

      • My favorite wedding stories is the one where the groom hit the bar a bit too hard before the ceremony and when the wedding party was standing at the top of a grand staircase for pictures, he lost his balance and fell, grabbing hold of her skirt as he went and ripping it half away. And then when they went up to their hotel room after the reception, he passed out and she had to call her mom to come help her get out of her dress. I saw them again at his brother’s wedding a month later and she still wasn’t speaking to him. Wedded bliss, y’all.

  3. Some kind of joke about ‘taking the plunge.’

  4. Weddings are hard.

  5. This is why Vegas weddings were invented.

  6. fake….and gay, depending on the state.

  7. Oh. LORD. Dump him, GIRL. “Sorry, Katherine, but this is going on Facebook.” Hahahaha. ahhhh.

  8. This has happened several times, no? Can we all just agree to not stand on anything over water ever – but especially when dressed in formal attire?

  9. “At least she found someone who wanted to marry her.” –my mom

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