Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: you again
Gabe: what do YOU want?
Kelly: Oooooohhhh you know
Kelly: Just to chat
Kelly: Chat chat chat
Kelly: How’s it going?
Gabe: fine thanks
Kelly: What are you up to?
Gabe: i’m just staring at the internet
Gabe: hoping that someone
Gabe: pulls the plug out of the wall
Gabe: and a screen pops up that says “bye forever!”
Kelly: So you’re hoping that you have to get up
Kelly: Plug you’re computer back in
Kelly: And then wait for it to restart before you can continue living what you’ve made of your life?
Gabe: forget it
Gabe: talking to you
Gabe: is like talking to a wall
Gabe: that doesn’t understand
Gabe: what i’m talking about
Kelly: W/e dude
Kelly: Anyway so have you seen this ring? http://fashionablygeek.com/jewelry/the-worm-from-labyrinth-as-a-ring/
Gabe: oh brother
Gabe: do you ever worry that the roof you want to jump off isn’t high enough?

Kelly: I would be lying if I said no
Kelly: But I’m p. sure that’s something everyone has worried about
Gabe: i’ve heard that one of the main issues concerning americans
Gabe: in this upcoming election season
Gabe: is whether or not our roofs are high enough
Gabe: we used to have some of the highest roofs in the world
Gabe: but we’re going to have to build higher roofs
Gabe: if we want to stay competitive
Kelly: Raise the roof
Kelly: Not the taxes
Gabe: read my lips: no more too low roofs
Gabe: so is that the ring your boyfriend gave you when he proposed on vimeo?
Gabe: he was like
Gabe: “I want to spend the rest of this Labyrinth with you”
Kelly: “I’ll never wish that the goblin king takes you away and if even if I do and he does I’ll try to save you from him”
Gabe: “Kelly, will you make me the happiest Skexie from Dark Crystal on Earth?”
Gabe: RT RT RT BIG FAVS RT RT RT
Kelly: “Like”
Kelly: Anyway yeah that’s what he did
Gabe: congrats
Kelly: thank you, you +1 are invited to the David Bowie themed wedding

Gabe: i’m so sorry i can’t make it
Kelly: Oh no it’s ok, I’m sure you can
Gabe: i’ve got a thing
Gabe: i’m getting a thing
Kelly: You and your thing are both invited
Kelly: We’d love to have you
Gabe: she’s sick
Gabe: she’s going to be sick
Kelly: That’s fine, let us know if there’s anything we can do to help once she gets there
Kelly: So anyway Mark Wahlberg is going back to high school
Gabe: WAY TO BURY THE LEDE
Gabe: “Hi, my name is Kelly, here’s a bunch of stuff no one cares about oh PS MARK WAHLBERG IS GOING BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL and I know because I learned it on Gilmore Girls.”
Gabe: that’s my impression of you but imagine, like, the most annoying voice
Kelly: Ugh
Gabe: imagine the most annoying voice you can
Gabe: now DOUBLE IT
Kelly: Well imagine a man’s voice but then it’s like the worst man and you can’t even stand him at all
Kelly: That’s your voice
Gabe: argh
Gabe: that’s why they call you
Gabe: the Comeback Kid
Kelly: AND THAT’S WHY THEY CALL YOU THE JERK
Gabe: you need to go back to comeback school
Gabe: on-line
Kelly: Would I be able to complete the courses in my downtime on set
Gabe: on set?
Gabe: i’m so glad to hear that you have something else lined up!
Gabe: because obviously
Gabe: at the end of this chat
Gabe: you’ll have to clean out your desk
Gabe: because you have been fired
Gabe: by me
Kelly: Well have fun at the police office’s Special Work Cases area
Kelly: Because I’m recording this conversation
Kelly: And cannot WAIT to show them what a hostile work environment this was

Kelly: And then you go to jail
Gabe: so am i
Gabe: “your honor, as you can see, kelly stinks”
Gabe: “CASE CLOSED”
Kelly: “YOUR HONOR NO OPEN THE CASE AGAIN AS YOU CAN SEE GABE IS A JERK PUT HIM IN JAIL”
Gabe: “Never in my long years on the bench have I seen someone who stunk as badly as Kelly. Recess.”
Kelly: “Ms. Honor, as you can tell by his voice this man is the worst. Postpone this case until he is in jail.”
Gabe: it’s nice to see mark wahlberg FINALLY taking his education seriously
Kelly: For no reason
Gabe: sometimes
Gabe: even when you have millions of dollars and an incredibly
Gabe: successful film and television career
Gabe: that is on-going
Gabe: you just need to learn how mitochondria work
Kelly: “The tibia AND the fibula.” – Mark Wahlberg
Gabe: this is like when Tom Cruise got braces on his 40th birthday
Kelly: He did that? I didn’t know he did that
Gabe: yes
Gabe: http://www.bracesreview.com/forums/traditional-braces/5991-what-braces-did-tom-cruise-wear.html
Gabe: bracesreview.com
Gabe: your source for braces
Gabe: http://www.virginmedia.com/images/tom-cruise-wearing-braces-250-by-400.jpg

Kelly: oh my goodness
Kelly: Hahahahaha
Kelly: That picture
Gabe: that picture is great
Kelly: It is immediately preceded by “His braces seem to be really invisible compared to other clear braces I’ve seen.”
Kelly: VERY INVISIBLE CANNOT SEE THEM AT ALL WHERE ARE THEY
Gabe: it’s weird that he didn’t just get
Gabe: bright green braces
Gabe: and have the FX guys
Gabe: fix him in post
Kelly: That is weird
Kelly: Wonder why he didn’t think of that
Gabe: mark wahlberg is going to be so smaht
Gabe: wicked smaht
Kelly: Hahahaha
Kelly: ahhhhhhhh
Gabe: he’s going to be like a real life flowers for algernon
Kelly: When he smashes his computer
Gabe: i actually am worried about what this will mean for his acting
Gabe: he’s a good actor!
Gabe: i like him in pretty much everything
Gabe: but if he gets to be too smaht
Gabe: maybe he will be less gooder at acting?
Kelly: You’re bringing up a lot of good points
Kelly: And I think with something like that you’re just going to have to wait and see
Gabe: yeah
Gabe: i guess we won’t know until
Gabe: Ted 2
Kelly: “You’re acting like when the framers signed the declaration of independence right now Ted”
Kelly: At the bottom of the article announcing his return to high school it says, “Are we the only ones that find Mark Wahlberg getting in touch with his inner nerd supersexy?”

Gabe: i like that in this day and age
Gabe: doing a remedial on-line high school
Gabe: counts as
Gabe: being a nerd
Kelly: Super nerdy
Kelly: Trying to find out what happens after 8th grade
Gabe: going to any kind of school whatsoever
Gabe: WHAT A FUCKING DORK
Kelly: Where are your glasses, MARK WAHLNERD
Kelly: BROKEN?
Gabe: hahahha
Gabe: the best part about this story is
Gabe: he announced it?
Gabe: like, i’m pretty sure he could have figured out a way
Gabe: to finish high school on-line
Gabe: with a low profile
Gabe: but this is for his fans, really
Gabe: he’s doing it for us
Kelly: It’s nice to see him succeed
Gabe: and you know what? I APPRECIATE IT!
Kelly: Set a good example
Gabe: seriously, go to school everyone
Gabe: you dummies
Kelly: yeah
Kelly: figure it out
Kelly: Like Mark Wahlberg did
Gabe: mark wahlberg is an inspiration to everyone
Gabe: to just fucking go to school already

Comments (36)
  1. If ‘e’d ‘ave kept on goin’ down that ‘allway ‘e’d ‘ave gone straight to graduating ‘ighschool.

  2. It was really hard for Mark Wahlberg to graduate from high school, he was busy getting his education on the streets and blinding Vietnamese men

  3. When are we going to get to see some more Hunt for Worst Movie and You Get to Make Up The Story type blog posts? Could use some more of those. Chop chop.

  4. “Let me in your HOME EC CLASS!”

  5. So is Catcher in the Rye about to become his favorite book or has it been his favorite book for the last 20+ years?

  6. 
“If I was the one that had to make that tiramisu, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of mascarpone cheese and pudding on that Savoiardi biscuit crust with plenty of coca between the layers, and then me saying, ‘OK, our taste buds are going to explode with ecstasy from this dessert, don’t worry.’” — Mark Wahlberg critiquing another student’s Home Ec assignment

  7. Still waiting for the “friendly” part …

  8. That picture of the Labrynth themed wedding really depresses me. There’s no way your recreation of that scene will ever be as good as the actual movie, but you have to pretend all day that is and that everything is exactly like you wanted it because everyone else is thinks you’re crazy and talking about how “interesting” everything is, and you have to convince them about how happy you are so that you can sway their judgement to “well as long as it’s what she wanted”, but no…it’s not what you wanted. You wanted to live in a world of magic with muppets and David Bowe surrounded by bubbles.

    • I’m not sure that’s a Labyrinth-themed wedding. I think that is a Poison-themed wedding, which would make him CC DeVille, not David Bowie, and she’s Rikki Rockett. Some internet prankster has paired them with a scene from a totally unrelated movie just to make them look foolish. You could do this with any wedding photo, really, to make any couple look foolish.

  9. Frankly, I’m surprised Wahlbergers even hired him on in the first place, if he never finished high school.

  10. I &Hearts; Spelling Bees

  11. I ♥ Spelling Bees

  12. Alex Lane  |   Posted on Jun 13th, 2012 -49

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  13. Holden Caufield has a duck fetish

  14. I can only assume that something, maybe something terrible, is about to happen in whatever high school he chooses to go back to, and he’s going back to stop it. If history has taught us anything–and by history I mean the history of Mawk Wawlberg quotes–it’s that Mawk Wawlberg knows when things are going to happen, and that his presence is enough to guarantee that it won’t happen. Let me be the first to say, God bless you, Mawk.

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