Bret Easton Ellis is apparently hoping to write the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey, because I guess that is the world we live in. If it’s not the world we live it, it is AT LEAST the world that Bret Easton Ellis has suggested we live in on Twitter, which is DEFINITELY an attribute of the world we live in. (The kind of world where Bret Easton Ellis tweets about wanting to adapt the E.L. James mommy sex thriller, or whatever, Fifty Shades of Grey, and then tweets about casting Lena Dunham in it.) Read the tweets for yourself! We have some important things to get to after you read them, so just read them. Here, from Movieline:

Reporting on Ellis’ Tweets — which should be taken with a sizable grain of salt, obviously — Orange UK noted that the Less Than Zero author speculated that Scarlett Johansson or Kristen Stewart would be the likely victors to play the novel’s Ana opposite a theoretical Gosling as Christian Grey. “I would love it if we lived in a world where [Girls actress] Lena Dunham could be Ana in Fifty Shades of Grey but I don’t think we do,” Ellis wrote. “Hope E.L. James doesn’t think I’m being a prankster. I really want to adapt her novels for the screen. Christian Grey is a writer’s dream…” The novel’s Christian Grey is a wealthy man tormented by demons and a need for control who begins a BDSM affair with college grad, Ana.

Haha, actually maybe do you think that E.L. James is just Bret Easton Ellis’s nom de plume? “Ahh, I guess I can take a stab at adapting this novel. What did you say it was called again? 50 Shades of what? Hmm, sure. Sounds fine, I guess. I guess I’ll try to do it. No promises, but I’ll try.” That was Bret Easton Ellis pretending like he didn’t originally write 50 Shades of Grey. Anyway, Lena Dunham as the girl character and Ryan Gosling as the boy character? PRETTY GOOD! That almost sounds exactly like anything that any of us would’ve said! So much so that it almost demands us to say more things. Right? Who is your Fifty Shades of Grey Bret Easton Ellis movie adaptation dream cast? Just, like, in the past when you’ve thought about it — who did you imagine? My picks would be Elisabeth Olsen and Vincent Gallo, NO DUHS. Hahah. What a horrifying movie that would be. Now that I picked the grossest pair, who are you going to pick? C’mooonn.

Comments (33)
  1. Jack White as Christian Grey?

    And Justin Beiber as Ana?

  2. Gabe and Gwyneth Paltrow

  3. I’m gonna say me and Joan Holloway.

  4. Betty White and Obama

  5. Jim Gaffigan and Kristen Schaal

  6. Chet Haze + Kreayshawn.

  7. me and the first girl to answer my craigslist post….oh you mean hollywood version?

  8. Isn’t this book Twilight fan fiction with the names changed? Pretty sure it has already been cast…

    • It is! Therefore, my dream cast is a shovel and a hole in the ground. The squeaquel will have a surprise guest star of dirt covering the books, and maybe a cameo by salt covering the ground.

    • I had heard that too, but a friend recommended them to me recently (I was as polite as possible, but it was a deeply uncomfortable conversion on many levels) and outlined the plot, and I don’t know how that would work?
      Did she just change the names and remove the vampire bit? Or were there revisions to the plot but all the poorly-written sex bits were originally about vampires?
      I would appreciate if no one answered these questions, because I really don’t care enough to know and the whole idea grosses me out. (Not the idea of bdsm; the idea of bad writing).

      • I’m not sure how it evolved, but it has definitely been confirmed as starting as a Twilight fanfic.

        It makes me sad for humanity that this is a bestseller.

        • It’s probably what they call an “AU” aka an Alternate Universe. So basically you take some characters and do whatever the fuck you want with them no matter how outside characterization or canon is might be.

  9. What’s this about grey Dreamcasts?

  10. So I take it Andy Serkis is on vacation? Good on him, I bet he needs a break.

  11. Birdie and a rubber toy with peanut butter inside.

    • I dunno, if Birdie is anything like my dog then I’d replace the rubber toy with a stuffed toy.

      Then again Birdie is a girl so I don’t know how much humping she’d be getting up to. Maybe a bully stick instead?

  12. Off-topic, but is anyone else having a problem where the comment system thinks you voted on a comment even though you didn’t?

  13. Dream cast:
    Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, Alison Brie, Kristen Stuart and Jim Gaffigan.

  14. Of course Christian Grey is a “writer’s” (Bret Easton Ellis’s) dream.

  15. Brad Goreski as the lead.

  16. How about Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader?

  17. Tyler Perry’s Madea and Martha Stewart… they can alternate roles.

  18. WIthout a doubt the dream lead roles would be a career skyrocketing move for any actor/actress. In reading the trilogy myself and with the descriptions of each character in the book and their ages my dream lead cast would be Tyler hoelich (Derek on MTV’s Teen Wolf) and Ashley Greene (Twilight Saga).
    Tyler is the apitomy of all that is Christian Grey and would glide into that character almost effortlessly and Ashley has the schoolgirl, sweet charm as well as the quick-wit, sarcastic sexiness about her also.
    Those two together on the big screen protraying Chrisitan and Anastasia would be a 50 Shades fan DREAM CAST!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. My vote for Anastasia Steele is definitely Analeigh Tipton, no doubt about it! As for Mr. Grey, I think Matthew McCaunahay would kill that role BUT he is too old, so I’d say Christian Bale. He’s hot and has an air of confidence that’s undeniable.

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