tonka_truck

You may have already heard the great news, but here’s the press release:

TONKA, the Hasbro brand that for 65 years has stood for its line of toy trucks for children, will bring its TONKA toughness to the big screen in a fully animated motion picture to be produced by Sony Pictures Animation, Hasbro and Happy Madison Productions.

Commenting on the announcement, [Sony Pictures Digital Productions president Bob] Osher said, “In its 65 years, TONKA has become more than a toy or a brand – TONKA trucks are a rite of passage for kids all around the world. Time spent with these toys creates memories that last a lifetime as kids are inspired to play using the boundaries of their imagination. We look forward to creating a family friendly motion picture that brings the TONKA experience to life.”

No official announcement on who will be directing the Tonka truck movie yet, but I’ve heard MIRANDA JULY is in TALKS. She’s the only one who can maintain the integrity of the Tonka artistic vision. Either her or Joel Schumacher, but someone like that. Someone like Miranda July or Joel Schumacher. Anyway, the news is great, pop champagne, and then follow the jump for our EXCLUSIVE look at the Tonka Truck screenplay!

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – DAY

The joint chiefs of staff are standing nervously in the oval office as President Tonka Truck stares out the window, his hands clasped behind his back.

DEFENSE SECRETARY JONES
Mr. President, we only have a few hours left until impact. We need to evacuate now, sir.

PRESIDENT TONKA
Vroom vroom!!!

VICE PRESIDENT DAVIES
Mr. President, if I may–

PRESIDENT TONKA
Vroom vroom!!!

President Tonka opens a desk drawer and pulls out the Presidents’ Book of Secrets. He throws it in the garbage can. Hidden beneath the Presidents’ Book of Secrets is a BOTTLE OF WHISKEY. He pours some into a glass and stares into the glass.

SECRETARY OF STATE HILARY CLINTON (AS HERSELF)
The Vice President is right, if you don’t act quickly–

PRESIDENT TONKA
(quietly)
Vroom vroom.

The joint chiefs of staff leave the room. A lone tear falls down President Tonka’s face as he pulls a photo of his wife and children from his breast pocket. His tears fall on the picture. “Life Is a Highway” plays in the background.

CUT TO:

EXT. PLANET EARTH – DAY

The asteroid barrels towards the Earth. 5…4…3…2…our world as we know it has ended. The quiet expanse of space is ambivalent to our destruction. There is only nothing. Then: Beep. Beep. Beep. The sound is getting louder. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

Tonka Truck wakes up and hits the snooze button on his alarm clock. He’s going to be late for work at the hospital.

MRS. TONKA
Did you have the dream where you were president and the world was ending again?

TONKA
Go back to sleep, dear.

INT. BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

Tonka Truck splashes some cold water on his face and looks at himself in the mirror.

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

Tonka Truck eats a banana and a Nutragrain bar standing up at the marble island in the center of his well-appointed suburban kitchen. He pulls on his white lab coat and loops a stethoscope around his neck. We see him pull something from his coat pocket and press it to his face. His wife is leaning against the door frame in her neglige.

TONKA TRUCK
How long have you been standing there?

MRS. TONKA
Long enough.

Tonka Truck turns and kisses his wife. He’s got a big red foam clown’s nose on his face.

MRS. TONKA
I love you Dr. Patch Tonka Adams.

An asteroid hits the Earth and everyone dies. We hear a shaman’s voice.

SHAMAN (O.S.)
The prophecy was truuuuuuuuue!

Fade to black.

What a great movie. Can’t wait to see how Hollywood honors it.

Comments (15)
  1. Remember how they made movies based on tv shows, and we all made jokes about how one day they’ll start adapting video games into movies, and then they started adapting video games into movies, and we all joked about how one day they’ll start adapting board games into movies, and then they started adapting board games into movies, and we all joked about how they’ll start adapting toys into movies, and then they started adapting toys into movies, and I joked about how I was going to commit suicide and then it turned out I wasn’t joking?

    • I am going to take this opportunity to once again joke about Tilda Swinton and I going on an international art heist spree with our trusty assistant James McAvoy, who makes us sandwiches and reads aloud from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy every evening.

    • I don’t want to blow your mind even more, but did you ever notice how most of the cartoons you loved as a kid were pretty much just daily half-hour commercials to sell toys?

    • They will make a movie about anything because someone somewhere (a lot of someones actually) will go see it. And I don’t limit shitty tastes to Americans because even if it fails here it’ll probably be popular in Russia or France and I blame those countries in particular for sequels to especially shitty franchises.

    • That’s kind of like how when Guitar Hero came out I was writing a story in which I had my character playing a Guitar Hero-type game but I wanted it to be super-ridiculous so I thought DJ’ing would be a good candidate for a rhythm game. Then four years later DJ Hero came out and I was like, “Really?”

  2. Miranda July’s Tonka:
    Preston stared wistfully at his old tonka truck. He wanted to play with it, but between debate and trying to get into Yale there was no time for fun. No man ever made it on fun his dad always said.

  3. Needs more trucks.

  4. Transformers 4: Tonka Trucks vs. Constructicons

    When the Decepticons unleash their newest creation, the Constructicons, there is only one force on Earth with the know-how and digging capacity to defeat them – The Tonka Trucks.

    Forged by combining the DNA of a captured Tonka with energy from the core of Cybertron, the Constructicons were designed to destroy the very same things they build. When brand new office building begin to collapse all around the world, the president of the UN’s Secret Council on Extraterrestrial Robot Affairs (Morgan Freeman) is forced to call the Tonka Trucks into service. It is a tale of man vs. machine, and brother against brother – with the fate of the world hanging in the balance.

  5. As long as they keep Damon Lindleof away from this movie I would probably go see it.

  6. Did Hasbro really learn nothing from yesterday’s post on Battleship?

  7. Jonny Tonka was a successful construction supervisor who had it all… only problem is, he’s about to become… a Dump Truck!

  8. Wasn’t DIE HARD 3 the Tonka Truck movie ?

  9. this makes me totally lose faith in just about everything… just…. just game over man. game over.

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