When I saw Prometheus this weekend, I went to this new-ish movie theater in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (which, for those of you who haven’t been there, is basically a Girls Theme Park) called Nitehawk, of course. Like, if you are going to open a movie theater in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, it better be called Nitehawk. The thing about Nitehawk, the catch, because kids these days need a catch, is that it has smaller screening rooms, but with big, comfortable chairs, and there are tables in between every pair of seats, and menus, and a waitstaff, and golf pencils, and a bartender in the lobby and a BRUNCH SPECIAL. I went with some friends and we ATE BRUNCH while we watched Prometheus. What a world this is that we live in. Questlove was in the lobby. It was all v. v. cool. Admittedly, the waitstaff spilled an entire drink on my friend because the thing about movie theaters is that they’re dark. And people kept dropping silverware. And maybe the waitress could have picked a better moment to give us all our bills than during the climactic fight sequence between the SPOILER ALERT and the SPOILER ALERT. So, you’re more than welcome to take everything I say in this “review” with a grain of salt, much like I took my breakfast tacos with a grain of side bacon. There were obviously distractions. My friend Jon said that it was like turning a movie theater into a comedy club. But I think I got the gist of it. In space, no one can hear you LOL.

So, look, Prometheus was probably the most beautiful movie ever made. Holy shit. This movie looked incredible the whole time! When I was in college I had this one film class with this theory nerd who I just could not make heads or tails of. One time we were talking about movies and he said that he didn’t like movies where people talked or where anything happened (uhhh) and I said well what movies do you like and he said, no joke, “landscapes.” Well, OK! But actually I thought of him during the opening sequence of Prometheus because I could totally watch an entire movie of just those sweeping shots of incredible landscapes. So pretty! And then you throw a mid-century modern spaceship in there and a beefcake alien sake-bomb? A++ would do business with opening sequence again. So great.

And now we’re on the ship with our robot buddy and the whole thing is very Wall-E and we are ON BOARD. This is going great. This ship looks cool. Our alien buddy seems cool. Lawrence of Arabia is cool. All of it. Fist bump. And now we are arriving at our destination and everybody’s waking up and Charlize Theron is doing push ups which is foreshadowing for how she’s going to be a total BITCH, and everyone else is puking because of the future. The one crusty punk isn’t here to make friends, which seems kind of aggressive, and also who gets into geology “for the money”? But whatever. Let’s see what’s up! What’s up, guys?

Uh oh. We have hit our first SERIOUS PROBLEM! You see, some very pretty 28-year-old “scientists” have found some ancient hieroglyphs and wall paintings that suggest that there were aliens on Earth 10 million years ago, or whatever, and so now that the technology is available to broadcast photorealistic hologram dogs on the floor travel to the distant planet, we’re gonna check it out. All of that is fine. Except, this movie, like lots of potentially complicated movies, establishes one of the movie’s basic conceits by simply having one of the characters say it out loud. “All of the cave paintings are the same, therefore the alien creatures CREATED US.” Wait, what? How did you get that from the mud pictures? I’m willing to believe that you arrived at the conclusion that Earth was visited by aliens a long time ago, but how do you know that ALIENS THEREFORE MADE HUMANS? That simply doesn’t track in any way whatsoever from the information you have presented us in your Minority Repowerpoint. “It’s a map.” “No, it’s an invitation.” How is it an invitation? At the very least it could be a map OR an invitation? Strike one!

And then more strikes. I mean, it’s Monday and the movie made 50 million dollars, so I’m not going to relay the whole plot. The whole point of the Videogum Movie Club in the first place is that we all saw the movie together AS A FAMILY. But there were some problems! For example: we know the robot has his own secret agenda that he’s not sharing with the crew, which is fine, that’s always a fun plot. But WHAT is his secret agenda? It never makes any sense. He wants to poison the one dude with the black liquid so that he puts an octopus baby in the one lady? Why? Why is that his secret plan? (Admittedly, I hated that one dude every single time he opened his mouth–world’s cockiest douchebag archaeologist–so it was fine that he got sick and I’m glad they burned him all up, but still don’t see the actual point of giving him eye worms.) Speaking of the black liquid: sometimes you drink it and it creates an entire species of creatures out of the waterfall, and sometimes you drink it and it gives you eye worms and yucky sperm, and sometimes you get it on your space mask and it allows you to turn into a bearded crab space zombie with face bumps and super strength? That black stuff is more versatile than Dr. Bronner’s liquid soap! (And combining the Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Black Evil Space Soap with the earlier point of people just suddenly knowing something based on nothing that we have seen or heard: how come Idris Elba comes back to the ship after one trip into the cave and suddenly knows that this entire planet was a military installation and that the aliens were making weapons of mass destruction and that the weapons of mass destruction then turned on them? That seems like a pretty good guess out of nowhere!)

And yo, you are in a creepy nightmare cave in space filled with oozing canisters of magic black liquid. SO MAYBE WHEN YOU SEE A SPACE SNAKE IN THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN YOU DON’T TRY TO PET IT? What is THAT all about? They actually do the same thing in the original Alien, which is obviously great and a classic and whatever, but it’s like you are all alone a billion light years from home and you see an entire room filled with spooky dragon eggs and you’re like “Hey guys, I’m going to slap on the top of this spooky space dragon egg, see what it’s all about.” What? No. “Look at her, she’s beautiful.” The fuck out of here with that! THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT!

“Hey, you have one of those ultra-rare self-surgery machines!”
“Don’t touch that.”
“OK, I won’t touch it, and I bet I never touch it for the rest of the movie. There is no way this is a painfully obvious set-up for a later set-piece.”
“ALERT ALERT THIS ULTRA-RARE THREE-BILLION-DOLLAR SELF-SURGERY MACHINE ONLY WORKS ON MEN.”

#OhJeez

As a general rule, and this is a pro-tip to all of the ambitious sci-fi action-adventure writer-directors out there who have ambitions of making great movies: if you’re watching a rough cut of your movie and it features TWO MONSTERS FIST/TENTACLE FIGHTING, you might want to take a step back and work on your movie some more.

“It’s too bad there isn’t a single talented actor over the age of 35. Oh well, let’s put Guy Pearce in terrible old man makeup.” – AHHHH THIS MOVIE SOMETIMES!

There actually was a brief moment where I thought that despite its many missteps (“I’m a black cowboy from the future with a shapeshifting accent of indeterminate origin, but if there’s one thing I love, it’s this antique Stephen Stills squeezebox.” Oh brother) Prometheus was going to redeem itself with a bold and intense ending. Remember after the one ship bumps into the other ship and Charlize and Noomi are running through the sad space desert and the croissant spaceship rolls over and crunches on Charlize and then it hits Noomi and she’s sitting in the dirt and her spacesuit says “Hey man, you’ve got 2 minutes of oxygen left, dude”? Now imagine for a second that what we see next is two minutes shot in real time of Noomi being stuck under this giant ship all alone in the vast expanse of space and her breathing is getting shorter and then she just dies and we don’t get any answers and space is scary and everyone dies. That would be a great ending! (This moment reminded me of when a similar thing happened in A.I. and the little boy robot got trapped underwater and was just going to be awake and conscious underwater for all of eternity or until his hydrogen battery died or whatever, and that would be so interesting and a great ending but instead the ice robots came and gave him a dream day with his fucking mom.) Instead other stuff happened, though.

Your honor, a sidebar if I may. My favorite review of Prometheus is this sentence from some Internet commenter on the thread for Richard Roeper’s review of Prometheus: “This alien concept of all the sticky fluids flowing and sharp teeth are old fashion now nobody will fall for it.” Nobody will fall for all the sticky fluids flowing. Too old fashion now!

Again: There were some really great ideas in it. And Prometheus was just so beautiful. Beautiful to the point of distraction, where it took awhile for some of the problems to even set in because you’re like, I know, but this is nice to look at! But then the problems got impossible to ignore. I think the best summation of the movie’s flaws came afterwards when me and my Movie Brunch Friends made our way down to a nearby bar and were sitting in the backyard having a beer and picking apart the movie as people do and my friend Jon suddenly remembered how the advanced species of space creatures who created all of mankind thousands of years ago and had super-futuristic spaceships filled with holographic security cam footage and everything used a SPACE FLUTE to start the engine on their spaceships, and then he, Jon, started playing an air space flute and went “DOODLEY-DOODLEY-DOO!” and then yelled “FUUUUUUUUCK YOU!” and I laughed until I cried. For real. Tears, my man. #Prometheus

Comments (158)
  1. OH MAN. Where to EVEN begin with this fucking thing?

    Now, first OFF, I’ll admit to TWO things: 1) Alien is an INCREDIBLE damn movie and EASILY one of my favorites and 2) I WENT into this film with tempered RESERVATIONS and the INTENTION to not judge it against ALIEN because, hey, this isn’t Alien, it’s just SET IN THE same universe. VERY cool stuff! LET’S do it! I thought!

    WELL THEN there was that OPENING scene which, uh, I GUESS was cool. In HINDSIGHT that intro is a FUCKIN Damon Lindelof PRIMER: some mysterious SHIT, kinda cool, AND AN idiotic understanding of SCIENCE that basically equates it WITH FUCKIN magic and shit. DUMB. TITLE. Whatever, LET’S tango with THE ALIENS, COMPADRES. After that, I WAS feeling it FOR A bit! Yeah, I WAS basically WATCHING Planet Space on DISCOVERYFUTURE but holy shit WAS IT awesome in 3d. It was BEAUTIFUL and interesting and then Not-Ripley and the Mexican Non-Union Equivalent of Tom HARDY show up. ZZZ.

    Then David “Bigdick” Fassbot shows up and holy shit is he GREAT! His introduction, y’all? SUPER GOOD! MORE of that PLEASE! And not the bullshit one liner characterization that follows. AFTER that, though, it turns out that in the FUTURE ships named Prometheus are ACTUALLY code named USS Stupid Mistakes BECAUSE WHAT the fuck is ANYONE on that THING thinking? “Oh, HEY thing that SOUNDS AND is acting like a snake! Let’s cuddle!” – THE WORLD’S best Biologist, people. Ugh. That’s just THE beginning of it, too, as the movie starts MAKING characters do WHATEVER the movie needs them to DO IN that second and has no problem MAKING everyone forget about IT afterwards. Seriously, WHERE are the consequences IN THIS movie! No one cares THAT two dudes are LOST in a cavern complex THAT THEY conveniently have A MAP of. THEN no one REALLY cares that they die. No one cares after MNUETH is burned alive WITH A MYSTERIOUS DISEASE. No one CARES when a zombie shows UP AND destroys six dudes. NO ONE cares that Not-Ripley HAS AN ALIEN Abortion (LOL at the MOVIE playing it safe and calling it a c-section, BTW). NO one CARES that Leonard Shelby SNUCK on board, probably still LOOKING for his wife’s killer (I know there’s CUT FOOTAGE of him young but it’s still SUPER fucking dumb), THIS TIME having stolen the TERRIBLE old person’s make UP from Watchmen. Oh, and SOMEONE watched Will Ferrell get RUN over by a steamroller in SLOW MOTION back in 1997 and thought THAT wouldn’t be fucking AWFUL played straight. WHAT THE FUCK PROMETHEUS.

    Now, I KNOW I said I wasn’t going to COMPARE IT to Alien, and, y’all, I really TRIED hard to hold to that, but I couldn’t when IT WAS THE SAME MOVIE! If anything, this MOVIE adhered too closely to ALIEN and fuckin repeated it BEAT for BEAT but just in a less interesting way. And TO ADD insult to injury TO THAT shit, it basically midichlorians the SHIT out of the Space Jockeys (FUCK calling them Engineers). In Alien, WHEN they find the Derelict, the Space Jockey was this mysterious CREATURE THAT seemed drastically different then MAN and ancient beyond OUR comprehension. It set the STAKES early by illustrating man’s insignificant and ignorant role in the GALAXY at large. Oh, but you KNOW WHAT, George Lucas would like to know if you want to downsize your universe and JUST make those FUCKING ALIENS big ol, pale HUMANS. SO then Klaus Haas is running around, wrecking SHIT for no reason (although, WE DO know the reason, but I’ll get to THAT IN a second), and I could not REALLY care less. What A boring fuckin ALIEN. Not to mention, THE IMPLAUSIFUCKINBILITY of having a 100% DNA match with them THOUGH what the fuck does that MEAN? That they have the same DNA make up as us? Because, uh, EVERYTHING on earth has the same DNA building blocks as us. AT(U)GC, BITCH. Not to mention, are we SUPPOSED to believe that these guys started LIFE AND it just happened to evolve to HUMANS over the course of however LONG WHICH just HAPPENED to have the “100% same DNA” as THE aliens? OH right. Space Magic. Damon Lindelof.

    Now, to be FAIR, the film raises some INTRIGUING questions, but then seems to devolve into A FUCKIN WEAK ASS slasher film since, you know, in Alien the Alien killed PEOPLE. The problem, HERE, though is that THERE’S no real tension or ANTAGONIST. In Alien, it was simple. There WAS THE crew of the Nostromo and the Alien. In Aliens, it’s the Marines vs the Aliens. There’s a constant THREAT that allows the TENSION to build. IN Prometheus, THOUGH, they couldn’t think THAT shit through. They just USED the magic black goo to INVENT creatures to KILL off people whenever they needed TO eliminate SOMEONE from the plot. It was WHACK. There’s no TENSION and no real cohesion to the THREAT they face. Instead, it’s JUST random fucking NONSENSE and NOT EVEN getting into THE BULLSHIT mechanics of HOW an Xenomorph ends up GETTING made.

    Again, this could STILL work if the characters weren’t SO fucking stupid or POORLY written. Instead, we have a bunch OF thinly drawn STOCK characters that don’t really DO MUCH but wait to die or take part in two OF THE worst written scenes I’VE SEEN in a long ass time: 1) the eye-rolling “ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME BECAUSE I CAN’T HAVE BABIES!!!” scene and 2) the cringe-inducing LINE READING that was “…FATHER!” Ugh. Someone JUST FACEHUG me and get it over with. This sucks.

    All that SAID, it was a very pretty MOVIE and the CGI was incredibly SEAMLESS (though, what the hell was up WITH THAT Superman-ripping off score?). I’m sure—and I hope!—some PEOPLE really enjoyed this thing. THERE might be something there TO enjoy? It at LEAST had some open QUESTIONS that were interesting EVEN if they are soaked WITH LINDELOF’s bullshit treatment OF FAITH (seriously, does that guy even KNOW what faith IS? OR DOES he just fucking really think he’s softball, unrealistic, movie-safe VERSION of faith is the way PEOPLE roll? READ some fucking Kierkegaard, DICK.) that he fucked up in LOST, too. Still, CONVERSATION can be GOOD! Like, do you wonder WHY the Paliens WANTED to kill us? I did! THEN I remembered that THEY said the remaining PALIEN had been in stasis for a little OVER 2,000 years. Huh, I WONDER what the fuck happened 2,000 years AGO that’d make THESE GUYS so angry?

    OH. Fuck ME. And FUCK you Damon Lindelof (and, kind of, you TOO Scott. I can TELL you wanted it TO BE great but I’M sorry, it wasn’t. Then you CONFIRMED that it was ALL started by JESUS being killed). I used to defend LOST, BUT now it is relatively CLEAR TO me that you are A HACK. Fuck off. I’m GONNA go rewatch Alien now. AND DEFINITELY NOT CRY, OKAY?

    • Oh man, in all my hatred I totally forgot about the introduction to David. The basketball was brilliant, I loved the sound it made. Reminded me a lot of 2001.

      This is very long, but very spot on with pretty much everything. Everything after that scene was David was just a mess.

    • I post so rarely nowadays, but I just had to commend this rant. You are not alone, Patriot, here’s a comforting hug and a commiserating, knowing look from halfway ’round the world.

    • I really appreciate your review. So i’ll try to piggyback mine onto it! :O

      I thought the first half was fantastic and well structured. For instance, i could have watched David and his solitary idiosyncrasies for at least another 30 minutes. But then things just got disheveled super quick. Like with the sudden, totally forced yet completely casually delivered revelations, that aren’t really discussed at all and are accepted at face value, like “It’s a weapons base, not their home.”, “They want to kill earth.” The pinnacle of this being that even though there never was a ship-wide pow-wow about all the developments and insights, the guys in the end sacrifice themselves without even the least bit of questioning or hesitation. Not only did no one ever prove that the Engineers wanted to destroy earth, i don’t think anyone even cared to explain it to everyone at any point before.
      Which is mostly because there no sense of actual centralized command structure. And only that, but a lack of a basic co-operation. When things go wrong they never have a meeting to share personal insights, figure out what’s going on and how to proceed further, they just go dilly dallying around the ship, dropping their insights into individual smalltalk in a completely “by the way” manner. Another thing, which is a continuation of this, is that off-camera characters would at times be completely inert in their absence, popping up to serve a single scene and disappear again, while it would make sense they were trying to figure things out and act in some way. One glaring instance of this is when they try to put the preggo lady in stasis, she escapes and then during a lengthy scene involving only her, nobody finds her or appears to be searching for her, and when she reappears nobody questions where she was. And too bad, because where she was is an interesting story; she was doing a cesarean on herself to deliver an alien baby. But since no one cares, the alien baby is just left somewhere until it grows into an alien adult. But outside such cumbersome shortcomings, there was plenty of smaller stuff for the nitpickers. Like the guy who is in charge of mapping the tunnels gets lost in the tunnels. But when they ask him where he is, he gives them exact coordinates. Or the med-pod in Theron’s room, which is there because she’s super anal about surviving all eventualities, is configured for operating on men only. Sure, it was probably for the old guy, along with the whole life-pod-habitat-thingy, but why would you EVER program a machine like that for men only, especially if you need constant care from other personnel, which needs to be healthy to take care of you.
      On a closing note, i didn’t like David’s sass. I know the theme with the robots is that their inner life is richer, and darker than we think, but his quips and comebacks were at times downright alarming and too revelatory about his person, yet everyone just brushes them off. I can’t imagine if that’s the case with all the Davids, or even just this one for a longer period of time, that someone wouldn’t have gotten wise about their/hish schtick. And don’t get me started on the whole nonsensical evolution into the first actual xenomorph.

    • Agreed. This movie had so many things I like. Alien. Crazy awesome CGI. Fassbender. I was OK with things until somewhere around the “Are you mocking me because I can’t have BABIES” scene, and then I realized, “Main character with daddy issues… vague religious overtones… blisteringly stupid characters… LINDELOF.”

      The full rage came when I started reading the Space Jesus theories.

      And don’t you just have an awful, sinking feeling that the Space Jesus theories will turn out to be absolutely 100% correct?

      And they totally just turned the Alien franchise into an episode of History Channel’s Ancient Aliens?

      RAGE.

    • Totally spot on Patriot.

      Also, David hates everybody secretly but after he gets his head torn off he wants to help not-Ripley all of a sudden?

      It’s kind of a shocker too when David calls out the movie itself for being stupid and not making any kinds of sense.

      Why the fuck does Not-Ripley want to go to palien home planet to find out why they want to kill her? They just gonna kill her! Why does she want to know so fucking bad?

      “I guess that’s cause you’re a robot and I’m a human.” NO I call shenanigans!

      David is confused because Not-Ripley makes no damn sense! Not ’cause he’s a robot!

      One last thing. After her alien abortion, sometimes Not-Ripley is in intense pain and can’t move. But she can jump across an increasing gap and outrun the bitten doughnut ship that she could have just sidestepped. Fucking Wile E Coytote shit!

    • A question for “American Patriot”: How did you write a post that long quickly enough to be the first one to post? I think you should win a special award just for that. :-)

      There’s an interesting article on religious/mythical themes and archetypes in the movie, it’s pretty fascinating how deep it goes. If you based your opinion of the movie off of the implications of the review instead of the actual movie, it’d be two thumbs up:

      http://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/uswn1/prometheus_everything_explained_and_analysed/

      …But what trips me out is if so much thought and care went into imagery parallels, etc, how could so LITTLE care be put into character development, character dialogue, character motivations, character consistency, etc.

    • Well I thought Gabe’s review couldn’t be matched but holy space poop this matches it blow by blow. Oh the joy. Oh the pain. But I totally missed the Jesus thing. Yikes.

  2. Ok, this is pedantic and I apologize, but do you mean Lawrence of Arabia, as played by Peter O’Toole? I know that movie was a reoccurring theme in Prometheus. Or did I miss something?

    • I really liked this movie! It was gorgeous and creepy and there were aliens killing everyone so the price of the ticket was justified for me. The callbacks to Alien were awesome, and I thought David was really interesting as a character.

      I thought he poisoned Charlie at the behest of Old Man Weyland, since I am like 97% sure that he was talking to him beforehand. ALSO, David kindof sneakily got Charlie’s permission, what with asking him what he would do to find out what the Engineers were up to. Which is why we should all answer every robot question with “Don’t poison me with alien goo, please.” It just cuts down on miscommunication issues.

      However, one thing that confused me was Idris Elba, I know that is Charlize Theron but dude, don’t leave the communication post when two of the crew are stuck in creepy tomb/goop city! There are other problems but all I can think of is man it was pretty.

      • Well, except that Old Many Weyland came to the planet to get cured of being old or whatever. So poisoning a crew member doesn’t really have anything to do with that (and neither does forcing a young woman to carry an aggressive 24-hour octopus baby to term). And everyone picked up on his “how far would you go” stuff, which was about as clear as his oedipal stuff about being mad that your creator doesn’t care that he made you, but that’s not permission nor is it an explanation of his motivation. (If, for example, David just wanted to kill everyone, he had multiple opportunities to do so.)

        • I DEFINITELY think a movie without all the WEYLAND bullshit that just HAD DAVE going rogue woudl be FAR MORE interesting. Yeah, it’d draw comparisons to HAL, BUT it would seemingly justify some of the random shit he did THROUGHOUT the earlier part of the movie, and it would GIVE THE film an actual central antagonist.

        • Wait, Old Man Weyland? I thought they froze old man Johnny Knoxsville from Jackass.

        • Clearly, people in the future have given up on the subtleties of science. When you find an ancient alien head, you stick a large electrode in it and electrocute it. When you want to find out if weird goo has any beneficial properties you just spike someone’s drink with it.

        • I can only assume that David and/or Weyland suspected (at that time) that the goo may not be parasitic. If the goo (which they have a ton of) was some kind of preservative or could extend life, they’d need to test it on someone first.

          While there was a lot of assumptions made by the crew, it was made pretty clear that no one really knew what the hell they were talking about. However, they did know the ship filled with evil space goo had Earth as coordinates. So whether they WANTED to destroy Earth or not … they still had a ship full of stuff that could probably wipe out life on Earth.

          It’s not exactly a good movie, but there is some interesting stuff there. Maybe a Director’s Cut is able to present the ideas in a more cohesive way, instead of the clunky way it was here.

    • David looked exactly like Lawrence of Arabia.

  3. The space flute was very Willy Wonka calling the oompa loompas. Other than that I really enjoyed this movie. The only thing that really started to bother me was how unscientific the scientists behaved. Taking the helmets off? Touching stuff??? Slimy horrible stuff!???!! No no no no no!!!

    • “Let’s just electrocute the decapitated alien head that very clearly has an ancient super-plague. Fuck it! What could happen!”

    • and that Charlie guy getting all drunk while they look at stuff? Sheesh, if he was a real scientist he’d be excited.

    • One of the main things all astronauts hate is having to wear those goddamned helmets and they always take them off the very first opportunity that they get. #SPACEFACT

      • I would like a recut of this where as soon as they take off their helmets they all contract space flu and die. There’s no aliens and it is just a cautionary tale about how you shouldn’t be an idiot in space.

    • I feel like “touching stuff” is the backbone of any scientific method.

    • I disliked how the “scientists” behaved as well. I mean, They were archeologists. Essentially scientists touching and finding really old fragile stuff. You don’t want to compromise anything in order to preserve everything. Yet they just pranced straight into that room once David started touching shit and opening doors (why did no one ever yell at him to fucking stop touching shit!?! That bothered me so much). I am no scientist, much less archeologist, but would you just fucking walk into that room as if every step you are taking isn’t disturbing everything? ESPECIALLY with the thought of “this will explain all of man-kind” running through your dumb brain on a distant planet you were brought to by cave evites?

      • NOT to mention HER FUCKIN stupid DNA match. No one WOULD EVER believe it. You know why? BECAUSE THEY’RE all around that fucking alien without helmets, touching shit. WHO ISN’T to say a fucking hair fell onto it AND CONTAMINATED the results? NOT THAT the results still made any sense but WHATEVER.

  4. I could watch Idris Elba do and say anything, sooooooo yeah. Nice squeezebox. Nice accent. Nice faces he’s making at his co-pilots while he’s talking nonchalantly over the radio to the two, very scared and soon-to-be-dead men stuck in the croissant of horrors. Also, he boned Samus Aran, soooo yeah. I would love to put Idris in all the movies. Sign him up for the new ones, green-screen him into all the old ones.

  5. I’ve been to that theater in Williamsburg Gabe. I was sort of hipper though because I saw a Miranda July movie and you can’t get much more hip than watching a Miranda July movie in the heart of Girlsville. I mean c’mon.

  6. I mostly am behind this, although I still loved it, but I’ll say that the whole “why does THIS mysterious space weapon make zombies and THAT mysterious space weapon make wombsquids” is a ridiculous complaint. It’s like if a bunch of cavemen found like an abandoned National Guard weapons cache and started saying “why does THIS one throw pieces of metal really fast and THAT one set me on fire?” WHO KNOWS! In space nobody can hear you understand ancient alien technology!

    • Related: The existence of the phrase “why does THIS mysterious space weapon make zombies and THAT mysterious space weapon make wombsquids makes me never want to leave my house again.

    • “Ridiculous complaint.”

      • I think my biggest problem with the black goo (and by extension, the movie as a whole thematically) is that its revisionist history of the xenomorph origin sort of spoils, almost ruins, the dramatic impact of future Alien films.*

        The success of ‘Alien’, what makes it such an outstanding and affecting film, is the elemental mix of Chronenburgian body-horror, otherwordly Gieger design, and the taut, suggestive, direction of Ridley Scott. The violent, sexual, imagery of the various stages in the Alien life-cycle are pretty well raked over in discussions of ‘Alien’ – but I think the most disturbing, and persistent, quality of the creatures are their parasitic nature. The alien is this unknowable, unassailable, utterly ‘other’ creature that systematically rapes and infects the members of the crew. There’s nothing of its origins. No explanation. No rationale. Pure, unadulterated, psychosexual fears manifested in the form of a lubricated, rubberised, fiend. All we know is that it came from the intestines of the egg.

        But what Prometheus SPOILER ALERT establishes completely nullifies this. Not simply in the practical sense that we now know clearly and unambiguously where it comes from, but in a deeper, symbolic, sense. The xenomorph is revealed to be a failed, or uncontrollable, creation of a super-weapon by the ‘engineers’. Bear in mind that the ‘engineers’ are essentially proto-humans. The human race was born out of their own genetic material. In fact, it’s stated categorically that humans share a 100% match of DNA. More than simply Proto-humans, the film posits that, philosophically speaking, the engineers are logically equivalent to humans. They ARE humans.

        What Ridley Scott has done is reduce one of cinemas most enduring and horrifying phantasms into a boilerplate ‘science experiment gone wrong’ space-opera plot. When we remember the general plot thrust in the original films, that the Waylan corporation were surreptitiously attempting to weaponise these creatures; suddenly the motives of the Proto-humans resemble almost exactly those of humanity. And the xenomorphs now more closely resemble the monsters in a Resident Evil film than a Chronenburg one.**

        * I’m not actually of the opinion that prequels/unauthorized sequels/additions/recuts…etc genuinely cause real detriment or harm to original films – that something can actually ‘ruin’ the original.

        ** I suppose you could argue that this adds some sense of logic to the xenomorph reproduction system having characteristics of human sexual organs (the face vagina) if, in fact, they were manufactured by humans.

        • All i know that going in i was thinking “please don’t let them make a cheap xenomorphs are/come from humans scuzz-shocky twisty thing”, and going out i looked at that elegant idea with fond melancholy.

        • For the record, “Cronenbergian” body-horror, if that’s even a thing, was established AFTER Alien because Alien came out in 1979 which was pre Scanners, Dead Zone, The Fly, Dead Ringers and most of Cronenberg’s real films. But that’s not the point you were trying to make so forget it.

        • However, the thing is, there are some weird anomalies. While it ‘seems’ like this could be explaining the evolution of the aliens (as we sort of see the process by which the goo become something resembling a Xenomorph by the end of the movie), there is the whole issue of the shrine to what looks like an Alien Queen already existing inside the ‘jar + giant head’ room. Also, there is some weird issues with this ship and moon/planet not being the SAME ship/moon/planet from Alien (and Aliens). So, it’s possible that the Engineers found the Xenomorphs and the good is a result of reverse engineering them.

          Also, I’m not entirely sure what was happening in the opening scene, but it almost seems like the goo was being used to rip apart Engineer DNA and somehow that was how the Engineers ‘created’ humanity?

    • Your response is very funny, my deconstruction of it won’t be, so hats off to you sir. My problem is that no one in the movie ever says “This shit is super weird and crazy!” then i would be like “Yeah, see, that guy gets it!”, but no one seems to be phased or perplexed by the fact that it’s a magical goo with an apparently random mechanism of action. Another thing is that at the very start it is hinted that what to goo does is beef up things into super scary things. The worms in the chamber turn into super scary snakey worms. You don’t put that kind of thing in the beginning if you don’t want to set a theme. But they don’t respect that theme at all. Even though the goo turned all the worms into the same new organism, it turns one person super sick and the other super violent. And then it just goes weirder and crazier from there.

      But like i said, your response was funnier. :(

      • The guy that got sick (and transfered something via his sperm) got the ‘pure’ goo. In that case, the goo wasn’t bonding with the guy, but with stuff inside his body (like his sperm, and probably bacteria, etc) That made him sick (similarly, it made the head explode). Of the two guys attacked by the snakes, one just outrighted died, and the other came back as a crab guy. Neither one ‘just’ swallowed some goo, they had a snake go down their throat. Similarly, the squid wasn’t just a ‘person with good in them’, it was sort of a ‘second gen’ creature created by a good creature. That, in turn, created a proto-alien as a ‘third gen’ creature.

        • The guy that got sick got the same goo that the worms got, the worms that implied the goo had a theme, which was beefing things up into super scary things. But instead of making him into a super scary thing, it just made him sick, yet the guy who got the “impure” goo (ay yayay) turned scary (though not really beefed up), and like you said, the third guy, instead of turning crabby, just died, so it’s not really following any logic and there’s not any kind of “gen”-orientated sense to it. I’d like to note that at this point i feel like talking about the goo is infecting me and making me sick and weak, while it turned you into a crusading zealot fighting for it’s cause, so even here the goo lacks consistency.

          • “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
            – Some Guy Whose Name I Can’t Remember

            Well, I hope that clears everything up. In order to understand the mystery of the black goo, we’ll just have to wait until we invent something similar that replaces our boring old nuclear weapons. Then we will surely understand why some weird, inefficient tar-like substance that changes people into zombies and makes them pregnant with nightmare babies is a good idea to weaponize and mass produce.

            “I say we black goo the site from orbit…. It’s the only way to be sure.”
            –Cpl. Hicks from Aliens, New Revised Standard Version

        • “That, in turn, created a proto-alien as a ‘third gen’ creature.” WHICH is an insane FUCKING life cycle.

      • Sick dude gets original goo, everybody else gets infected either through mouth-sex or boring old missionary position style sex by goo that has already gone through some kind of mutation. That big old alien in the end had mouth sex with something that had mutated from a dude that went into a lady and mutated into a sperm squid, which then got that alien dude’s….ugh. I give up. I’m about as good at science as that geologist that had mouth-sex with that mutated goo worm who turned into a space-crab. Anyway, I was really glad that Idris went out like a boss and not through mouth-sex.

    • Except it wasn’t This weapon and That weapon. It was all the same goo but it did whatever to whoever according to what they wanted to happen next in the movie.

  7. My biggest problem with Prometheus was that it would be impossible to find a cave painting in Scotland from 35,000 years ago because it was covered in two miles of ice until about 15,000 years ago.

  8. I would think it’d be hard to eat breakfast tacos with 3D glasses on.

  9. So I saw the movie yesterday and I’ve spent a good 24 hours mulling over it. And honestly, I’m super angry. This was a super beautiful movie! So pretty and well-designed, there were some beautiful shots. Now why the heck couldn’t they have spent the same amount of time on the plot and characters? There was so little character motivation, I really have no idea why anyone was doing anything. David, escpecially, was super annoying. How did he know the black gunk was going to empregnate the scientist lady? Why the eff did he even want to do that? Granted, Charlie was annoying as hell and deserved a gruesome end, but I do not understand why David did that, at all. I know he was all “how far would you go,” but how is eating black stuff going to show them the origin of life? Derp.

    Everything was just so jumpy, it made no sense. Why would you just leave those two guys in the caves and then not monitor them? Couldn’t they go back and watch the video feed to see the dudes getting killed by alien creatures? You’d think that technology would exist.

    I am just going to avoid any Lindelof-related projects, since this had all the same problems as Lost. Too many loose ends, weird religious references, and no character development.

    The only thing that makes me happy is that wasn’t, in fact, Tom Hardy as annoying scientist guy. It’s apparently his american doppelganger. Good choices, Tom Hardy.

    • David didn’t know what would happen. That was the point. He had a dream-conversation (!?) with the not-dead-guy (!???!??) and the not-dead guy said “fuck it, go try something CRAZY.” And then he asked not-Tom Hardy whether he was willing to drink mysterious alien fluids for science, and not-Tom Hardy was like “SURE!” and then glug glug ejaculate impregnate wombsquid.

      • But that IS FUCKING stupid. Why would HE POISON one of the TWO PEOPLE who actually BELIEVE in the shit. AND IT’S not like he knew what WAS GOING to happen. AND DON’T tell me a TRILLION dollar space vessel WOULDN’T have any equipment to TEST shit. I mean, FUCK, put it under a MICROSCOPE first. And why WOULD Weyling say “Hey, SEE if it kills a dude!” when his sole defining TRAIT is he wants to live forever. What? Was he TELLING DAVID to spike someone’s drink and check back WITH him in 30 YEARS and see if he still FELT YOUNG? Or was he TOTALLY cool with potentially getting everyone killed, EVEN himself while he fucking slept? BECAUSE THAT’S also super dumb!

      • but see, the problem with that is we didn’t really get that? We didn’t know David was talking to not-dead dude (i mean, i pretty much guessed it, but still wasn’t said). And we didn’t know not-dead dude was there to find everlasting life. So David just feeding him makes no sense and just seems really sinister. And then David is like “oh, you’re pregnant! no worries.” It was just bizarre.

        • I spent a lot of time thinking about this movie too (still am!) and I agree. They could have drawn some really interesting parallels with Liz Shaw and David about how they both were not able to create life (broken lady parts / robot parts) and yet were very interested in how life is created. Then somehow this ends up with them becoming the weird causal parents of proto-aliens.

          It could have been really interesting… instead they have David deciding to spike someone’s drink with goop because why not, eternal life maybe?

          • (i responded to you already and it got lost, so apologies if this double posts).

            The “i can’t create life” would’ve been great! Except it was very rushed and basically just thrown in to lead to the awkward sex scene. If we had known Liz couldn’t make babies and that was her reason for wanting to find the creators the movie would’ve had more drive. Or at least, I would have more empathy for the character.

        • I thought he spiked the drink to find out what would happen, so he could figure out what that stuff did. Once figuring out the alien proto-soup was a death drink, I assumed that he knew the aliens, “our creators”, were not what the stupid humans where here to discover. Him being chided constantly about not being human, no soul, etc, he wanted to get back at them. So he brought old man winter to what he thought would be his savior, but it turned out that they just wanted man-kind dead. So our answer for “why are we here?” was as meaningless as his, just ’cause!

          • I agree! I do wonder what he said to the Engineer before it ripped his head off. That is one helluva greeting.

          • “he wanted to get back at them. ”

            BUT HE’S a robit! They don’t feel THAT! THAT’S THE POINT! HE DOESN’T have “a soul.” In the words OF THE movie. I agree, though, that A MOVIE about the ability of an ANDROID TO start to feel human emotions would BE VERY interesting BUT WHOOPS, Ridley Scott made that movie: it was CALLED BLADE RUNNER and boy is it great. This movie, however, DIDN’T address that at ALL. All the characters CONTINUE to act like he’s this COLD, OBJECTIVE thing even when he KINDA seems to be SHOWING SOME emotion, but then IT ended with Shaw MAKING A distinction between the two of them “WELL you don’t feel cause you’re a robot! Duh!” Whatever theme THEY WERE trying to establish with his character was just SO WILDLY inconsistent. SLOPPY.

          • I attribute the “getting back at them” to a glitch or bad android or something. Like in the first Alien where Ash broke protocol and all that stuff. Since David is technically an older model or android, he isn’t perfect or fine tuned yet. Unlike, Bishop, of course, you guys, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

          • They say he has no soul and can’t feel. The same people that just casually say “well obviously these aliens we never met made us” and “well, they’ll be able to tell us why” and “they’ll tell us how to live forever, etc”. The people saying he has no soul are the same STUPID people who get nearly everyone killed on this mission. And their assertition that he has no soul seems to be just as ‘because we say so’ as anything else. Hell, they make a very clear parallel about how the Engineers created humanity and humanity created David. Also, they show that, while it’s possible that David lacks certain emotions (he is quite sociopathic), he is definitely ‘more’ than just a robot. Why bother spying on people’s dreams? Why bother with Laurence of Arabia?

            Ultimately, the ‘getting back at them’ thing is more likely just a screw you to the old man. Just like the daughter just wanted her daddy to die, so too did David, especially since pops is so willing to just throw out how souless and inhuman David is. Or, vindictiveness aside, David is at the very least curious. Curiosity is pretty much an inate property of AI, since the whole concept of AI is built around learning without needing to be programmed. So, this curiosity is “what does this goo do?” or “what would a gooman baby be?” and so it’s not malicious as much as uncaring about the effect it has on the other parts of the crew. His genuine curiosity, free of any soul, ethics or care, is a perfect reflection of the general theme of the Alien movies. “Just because we can doesn’t mean we should” could be the tagline of all the Alien movies, and thus, David’s curiosity at all costs fits into that. The inclusion of OldManMakeUp does force him to curb his curiosity, but his actions are likely motivated by the one human trait he’s allowed to have.

          • @Ryan Alarie

            I would AGREE with you if the film didn’t END ON A LINE that so clearly DELINEATED THE difference between HUMANS and robots as the ABILITY TO feel and believe. So unless we’re supposed to BELIEVE that’s also wrong then FUCK, I DON’T know what to BELIEVE.

        • It was also weird that after she had the alien caesarian she didn’t like run to anyone screaming “I just gave birth to an alien squid!” She even passes a couple guys who just look at her covered in blood like, “oh, hey.”

          • Yeah whatthefuck? It was like, “oh I didn’t know your survival instinct was that great”. Not, OH WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE IN YOU!?!?! Or “You just did WHAT to yourself and there is WHAT in that surgery space pod?!” It was super casual. Because, you know, helping out a crusty old man that everyone thought was dead, is waaaay more important to call all of your attention to rather than some bloodied up chick that the android man said there was an alien baby inside of and was suppose to be in hyper sleep or whatever. No cause for alarm here, this old man needs to put on his space crutches.

          • OH HAI, bloody lady. Did Lisa tear you apart too?

        • one of they only things I really remembered about Alien going into seeing this film was that ripley never trusted the androids, and that actually clued me into a lot of what was going on. everything david says or does or perceives has to be extremely literal, so when he asked holloway how far he would go, it seemed obvious that he was trying to identify if it was okay to follow through on his idea to give him the crumbleface dna juice.

          • And wasn’t Ian Holm’s Ash character in Alien murderous in that he was to get the xenomorph back to earth by any means necessary? (I ask having only ever seen blips and bloops of Alien, one part being where Ash is revealed to be what he actually is)

            So David could hurt people if they got in the way of his programmed mission objectives.

    • HA you said a LOT OF WHAT I did in a really ANGRY/WAY too long post that IS CURRENTLY stuck in the MODERATION ether. But yeah, THIS MOVIE is pretty shitty. And it had Lindelof’s bullshit ALL over it.

      • “Lindelof’s bullshit”

        OK, here’s what I don’t get, everyone in the world: THE GUY DIDN’T DO IT ALONE. HE HAD A CO WRITER, AND YOU KNOW THEY WORKSHOPPED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS SEVEN MILLION TIMES, SO WHY ARE WE STILL BLAMING DAMON LINDELOF FOR EVERY EVER LOVING ELEMENT OF THE FILM?

        I wouldn’t normally shout on the Internet. But I had to.

        • HE had a cowriter. John Spaihts. I KNOW this. But John Spaihts wrote IT AS a standard and DIRECT Alien prequel. Lindelof rewrote IT AS “a separate thing” and ADDED in “all the big ideas.” THOSE are the claims he HAS MADE. Facts. That is why HE GETS that kind of blame. IF the FILM didn’t so clearly harp on stuff that was so present in LOST, IT’D BE easier to say “Hm. Maybe it wasn’t him.” But when HIS PAST WORK and own interviews LINE UP with a lot of the THINGS THAT are direct problems in this film, he is the one I’M GONNA blame.

          • Actually, Spaihts claims they toned down his big ideas, and in interviews Lindelof and Ridley have said that Lindelof wanted to provide more backstory and explanation, but Ridley wanted to leave things vague. Also, consider that Spaihts single other produced screenplay, “The Darkest Hour,” is one of the most godawful movies of the last year. So maybe his draft wasn’t shining and perfect and he might deserve some of the blame?

          • @Spaihts AS far as I can tell, the initial things TYING the Space Jockeys to OUR PAST in some way is DEFINITELY Spaihts doing, but everything AFTER that supposedly LINDELOF’S work. I’m not doubint SPAIHTS is shit either. I mean, they brought Damon LINDELOF on to do rewrites.

    • I thought David gave the black goo to Charlie because of that conversation they had about creating life, where David was like “Why do you care about creating life, why did you guys create me?” and Charlie was like “because we could.” And then David was like “Hmmm, you have planted an idea in my head, maybe *I* can create human life because I can communicate with the Engineers, I’ve got an edge over you humans, so now I’ll keep snooping around, checking out the black goo and other parts of the caves without the group, and then I will feed the weird goo to Charlie because of how I saw it replicate things in the cave, maybe that will do something.”

      I thought that was pretty clear? That was David’s motivation, not ~immortality~. That’s dumb! Which is why the thing he said to the Engineer at the end made him angry. He wanted to know how to make more people/people-type things, which the Engineer guys were very much against doing because of JESUS. Or whatever.

  10. What I enjoyed most was jumping between amazed and afraid, usually about the same thing, to the point I wasn’t sure which one I was feeling at a time. It was cool. Cool movie.

  11. One of the thoughts I had afterward was that I would pay decent money to see a new editor get all the raw film and cut this into an amazing silent film – or at least one with very sparse dialogue, ala portions of 2001 and, yes, Alien.

    Hell, stretch out a lot of those landscapes, star field, alien architecture shots as long as possible. Leave the plot a little more cryptic and evocative (e.g. cross necklace can stat in as a symbol, not something every damn character mentions in every scene?). And keep the MedPod scene as is, because holy shit.

  12. This critic has some pretty cool theories about the film. He gets into Jesus metaphor that I think is a stretch, but everything before that is pretty well thought out. http://cavalorn.livejournal.com/584135.html

    • I MENTIONED it in the comment THAT is still “Awaiting Moderation” or WHATEVER, but the entire reason THEY’RE so pissed at us is BECAUSE we killed Jesus, who was AN ALIEN. Scott mentioned IN AN interview that THAT was the original idea, too, but THEY LATER cut it. The remnants of IT STILL remains as the dates all PRETTY MUCH line up to them getting pissed off around 33 AD.

      • Yeah it does make a lot of sense, but then like you said they cut it. So what is it then?

        • COULD be a sequel HOOK. Lindelof has said the FOLLOWING when asked IF THERE was a reason they TURNED on us:

          “Golly, I’m all for ambiguity, but if we didn’t know the answer to THAT one, the audience would have every right to string us up. Yes. There is an answer. One that is hinted at within the goalposts of “Prometheus.” I’ll bet if I asked you to take a guess you wouldn’t be far off.”

          I ALSO read somewhere that IT WAS Fox, not Scott who MADE THE DECISION to cut the Jesus bit. Whether for sequel or STORY purposes, I’m not sure.

          But imagine HOW FUNNY the film would have BEEN IF, when Shaw is screaming why, the dude just turned AND SAID, “Because you killed Jesus.”

          • Also, Jesus was very shy about being huge and bald, so asked that anyone wrting about him not bring it up. Luckily no one bothered to start painting him until he was long dead, and then they basically just made up how he looked like, mostly making sure he looked like the people they were trying to covert at the time.

  13. I hate it when any film acts like it should get big pats on the back for asking “big questions.” I hate it even more when a film raises those bigger questions and does absolutely nothing with them.

    Also, that is not how DNA works, Damon Lindelof, did you learn nothing from Alien: Resurrection?

  14. omg i’ve been waiting all day for this and now you’ve said all of my thoughts, as if you were reading my stasis dreams from my hybernation pod.

    I read this interview (http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1687022/prometheus-secrets-damon-lindelof.jhtml) where Damon Lindelof lets us in on the movie’s “secrets” LOLOLOL.

    I was confused as to why, after only being aware of a substance for a few hours, the robot would want to poison that alcoholic scientist with it. And Lindelof’s answer is basically that a hybernating nonagenerian ordered the robot to poison the scientist in the hopes that the scientist would impregnate his girlfriend with an alien baby. BECAUSE WHY? I don’t get his end game, really. Guy Pearce is like, “WHATEVER, I’M OLD AND I CAN’T WAIT AROUND TO SEE WHAT THIS SHIT IS OR WHAT IT DOES, JUST GET IT INTO SOMEBODY ALREADY.”

  15. Charlize could have ran in any other direction and lived. Dumb way to die, robot.

  16. heyyyy ladies.

  17. I think the reason behind most of these complaints is simply a misread of the film’s tone. Had the film been titled “Indiana Astronaut and the Temple of Goo,” there would probably be less confusion. It’s straight faced pulp, specifically 1950s sci-fi pulp, and the characters fit the tropes of the genre very closely. It’s a little surprising, given that it comes from a series which tends to lean toward the Very Serious, but there are a lot of visual and audio quotes of classics from the genre that reinforce that read, and the film becomes much more enjoyable when you watch it with that mindset.

    • I THINK you’re reading IT WRONG. Both the directors and WRITERS have been very adamant about THIS BEING a big serious SCI-FI that asks big SERIOUS questions. You can WATCH it as a kinda dumb, pulp MOVIE, BUT don’t mistake YOURSELF and think that was IT’S INTENTION.

      • agreed, the trailers and promotions definitely set the tone of this movie as serious and deep. Also, it really annoys me when great visuals do not match with great storytelling. The visual tone of this movie is serious and dark, the story should be too.

      • They aren’t mutually exclusive concepts though. Making the crew a bunch of naive golden age sci-fi scientists allows them to represent the idealism and pettiness of humanity. And then when you slam them against Lovecraftian pulp tropes which trade in a brutal and unknowable universe an interesting picture comes out of the juxtaposition. It’s a way of using the pulp genre to say something bigger, and isn’t far from methods explored by Michael Chabon and Margaret Atwood, although it is new to cinema.

        • The thing with Chabon is he makes his pulp homages obvious and then turns them into high art. I feel like Prometheus was a bit backwards. It’s a summer blockbuster aiming for higher that turns around and, in the end, is just a summer blockbuster again. Granted it’s a novel with more time to work, but Chabon develops dimensional characters in his “pulp” novels. This movie didn’t do that and that’s where it failed. The crew can be naive and bumbling, but they have to be believable and sympathetic. It can be a giant metaphor and contain lots of symbolism, but it needs to be contained with a story. A movie is visuals + story, and the good ones have a balance of both.

          • Well I suppose I would argue that Prometheus does make its pulp stylings apparent and that it does turn them into high art. The vehicles and the spacesuits harken back to golden age pulp, (the suits specifically being slicker versions of the ones found in Planet of Storms – they even stuck a couple mercenaries in replicas of the original Planet of Storm suits to communicate the homage), the music sounds like something out of Star Trek and is used ironically at several moments, the characters play out their genre roles to the T, and there are several shots for shot moments lifted from camp classics like Contamination (The electrocuted heads, the dreamlike ghosts coming down the hallway). I disagree that the characters need to be psychologically believable, I actually think that would run contrary to the films intentions, but I do think they are sympathetic. As futile as their naive desires may be within the brutal Lovecraftian world they’ve stumbled into, those fears and desires are all still very relatable. In fact the juxtaposition makes them even more relatable, because who doesn’t fear that our optimism and hopes are delusions within a cold and uncaring world?

  18. I was actually part of the audience of the Kevin Smith show Spoilers on Hulu and when participation time came, I made sure I was first to voice my distaste. Like how one second Halloway is taking off his helmet Mr. Cool Guy and then five minutes later he is freaking out about how opening a door is breaking protocol. I was extra excited about the fact that since the guest was Damon Lindelof he had to listen to us deconstruct the failings.

  19. Gorgeous, worth seeing in IMAX, buuuuuuut the whole second half of the movie. Oh boy. “Big plot set-ups have small pay-offs if any” – Fichael Massbender

  20. I think the best possible ending would have been if Noomi Rapace had reached the “lifeboat” and peered into the “operating” room and seen that her aborted alien fetus had grown into an xenomorph (Alien) and the movie just cut to black right there. The whole thing with her lying on the ground screaming and then carrying David’s head around for the rest of the movie was kind of ridiculous and unnecessary.

    Plus, aren’t xenomorphs born out of humans? Why did it have to explode out of the Engineer? I would understand if humans and Engineers didn’t have the exact same DNA, but they do, so why would Noomi “produce” a giant face hugger and the Engineer produce a xenomorph? And why didn’t the scientist with the glasses who got facehugged early on produce a xenomorph? Or did he and that’s how their species propagates and survives?

    If Engineers and humans have the same DNA, why do we look so different? Blergh.

    • I READ somewhere that IT MIGHT be that men CREATE the xenomorph and WOMEN make FACEHUGGERS? Despite, I think, THE OLDER movies not really going inline with THAT. Or, you can just ASSUME THEY have the craziest dumb LIFE CYCLE ever that requires A PERSON TO get infected, quickly have sex, IMPREGNATE said person, LET SAID PERSON cut out the ALIEN, allow alien to grow, ALLOW ALIEN to bodyhug ANOTHER alien (or HUMAN?) and then ADD WATER AND wait! Viola, you now have a PROTO-XENOMORPH? Are you disappointed?! Cause I sure AM!

      • I kinda hated that they HAD to show a fucking Xenomorph at the end. I mean, do movies let you extrapolate anything these days? Does EVERYTHING have to be handed to you?
        If they really HAD to show the Xenomorph, it should have at least looked better. I thought it looked muppety. I am a firm backer of using animatronic with effects, looks better than this straight CG shit. Also since when do they grow huge in point two seconds? Give it at least two FULL seconds.

        As for the alien in her body, I didn’t expect it to be a Xenomorph, I thought those only happened when you make out with a face hugger?

  21. ***MINOR SPOILER***

    I’m pretty certain this was the shittiest group of scientists. So, they find a decapitated alien head and take it back aboard their ship for analysis. It turns out it is a head inside a helmet and they then take the helmet off–OK pump the brakes there a second. If we find a mummy’s sarcophagus here on on Earth, we take a bit of extra time before cracking it open. Still, I’ll suspend my disbelief, maybe they have advanced procedures that have trimmed out the steps in between finding an artifact and busting it open to take a look.

    BUT THEN they decide hey, you know what? We can stick an electrode stick into the damn brain stem. Hmmm. Nope, nothing yet, keep cranking it up. Oops, hey its gonna explode. Do you know why it exploded? What were these aliens doing here? I dunno! I’m just not a good scientist at all!

  22. What I gathered from the reactive properties of the life-giving black, I guess, semen is that it reacts differently to each host. It adapts to it’s environment on a microscopic scale, which kinda plays into the theme of mythology vs. biology. There’s a buttload of mythology in the film – Prometheus, the motif of the bursting torso, Shaw’s beliefs, etc. I saw the black goo as a stand in for the element of change and evolution as presented in various creation myths.

    Scott and company bent over backwards to marry mythology with science and that’s where I feel most of the inconsistencies are. Shaw retains her faith even after having physical proof that her beliefs are wrong. That’s both a strength and a weakness in the philosophical narrative. Putting modern science aside, either it’s a poorly written character, or it’s a comment on the hold that faith holds in the face of evidence.

    Characters made seemingly stupid decisions, as does anyone placed in extreme circumstances. The one I couldn’t forgive was Vickers running not running sideways. But even then, if I heard a giant spaceship-from-the-gods crashing behind you, I would just fucking run and not look back.

    With any film of this ambition, you will find flaws. Imperfections that you want to pick apart. What did the film do well? It built a visual world to get lost in, it had some incredible set pieces, and it presented some important existential questions to an audience that otherwise would have non of that.

    There’s a slew of other stuff – the mythology, metaphorical imagery, the Alien universe canon – that I don’t have time to get into, but I kinda loved it for its audacity. I wish it did better. I wish Madagascar 3D: I Just Farted In My Madagascar hadn’t snagged the #1 spot this weekend because that might encourage more studios to take a chance on huge projects like this that ask questions instead of shitting out Spiderman 22: Fuck, Let’s Just Start Over Again, We Need to Hold On to the Rights.

    I hoped hoped hoped that Inception would have reversed that trend, but if I’m left with just one intellectually stimulating summer blockbuster every couple years, I’ll be fine.

    • THE THING is, I don’t really FIND THIS THAT intellectually STIMULATING, and I think TO CALL IT such isn’t warranted. IT DOESN’T really run with those IDEAS. It just spells them OUT FOR you. Literally. Like having A CHARACTER explain the PROMETHEUS myth because DUH. And then it drops them. CAUSE LINDELOF. The characters themselves are shoved aside for THESE big questions THAT ARE SUDDENLY dropped when the film decides it needs to START KILLING people. And the questions aren’t EVEN THAT big to begin with! They’re big of the vague and fuzzy undergraduate DEGREE kind, but they NEVER become tangeable IN ANY way. I want INTELLECTUAL films, but I STILL want some damn PLOTTING and CHARACTERS. Not just references TO THE various book covers OR DOCUMENTARIES the writer has seen.

      Specifically, though, IN REGARDS to Shaw’s faith, I’m pretty SURE IT’S just bad writing. Knowing Lindelof from LOST, terribly underdeveloped AND OVERRELIANCE on faith in the FACE of whatever is pretty much WHAT THIS man does.

      • The thing is, I agree with you. These aren’t big questions for most decently educated people. I defended a few missteps in the script (Or who knows? Editing?), but I guess my larger point was that I appreciate that something like this had a huge release. It clears the field for other filmmakers (with BO clout) to explore what they truly want to.

        These are the films I want to see in the summer. Whether they’re flawed, thematically, philosophically, in plot or character has become irrelevant. For me. We need ballsy films that initiate conversation, even if that conversation is slightly above “Holy shit, that part was awesome” or “That was a good scene”.

        It’s one of the reasons I defended the debacle known as Southland Tales to so many people. That thing was a mess, and it had a very limited release. Southland Tales provoked discussion and very few people saw it. This thing had a wide release and was #2 at the BO.

        Prometheus is a summer blockbuster that has people talking. I’m on board.

        • Southland tales is a good point. But only about how these days it’s enough for movies to simply associate themselves with grandiose philosophical ideas to receive accolades, not actually build off them or create something sensible and new. Sure, it gets people talking, but it doesn’t lead them anywhere or show them anything new or significant. It doesn’t take much to get people talking, people like to talk a lot, i want something that gets people to go quiet.

    • The theater I saw Prometheus at played the first 20 minutes of Madagascar 3 by mistake which was apparently too much for other audience members’ child-like attention spans since they were all talking during the opening sequence. I can’t imagine how much more distracting it would be to have people ordering and eating food at the same time.

    • Wait, I have to take umbrage with the implication that “Prometheus” is a big, risky chance on something new and exciting when it’s from a franchise that has something like five different sequels.

      I’m not trying to say that’s a slight against it since I myself watch plenty of big blockbusters with 2s and 3s tacked on to them, but I just have to point it out.

      • I also forgot to mention that the co-creator of ‘LOST’ (which not only had critical acclaim, but huge audience share AND grabbed a significant place in pop culture history for a spell) being involved also slams down this idea that “Prometheus” was some risky venture.

  23. So, wait, Predator is in this one too, right?

  24. I’m never eating calamari again after this movie.

  25. Am I the only one who was bothered by the fact that Charlize Theron’s personal life-escape-pod-ship had an operation-vending-machine that was for MEN ONLY? I know they were trying to make her out as a cold bitch or whatever, but that might have been taking it a little far.

  26. Why didn’t anyone prod David a bit further when it came to his understanding of the alien language? “Can you translate this” “yeah, maybe” “Oh, ok, then continue opening doors and randomly touching hieroglyphic light-switches and whatnot, without elaborating on anything”.

    • I definitely took issue with this. Especially when he found those little jelly-egg-buttons on the control ship and jabbed them really hard. They could’ve popped! At least I, in my state of complete alien technology ignorance, thought so. Clearly his 2 years of Rosetta Stone: Proto-Indo-European told him to expect differently.

  27. It was also the worst put together scientific expedition ever. I think Roomey Rapace and her boyfriend were the only ones with any expertise related to the reason they were going to that place. Why did they need a geologist? For shits and giggles? He sure didn’t seem too interested in studying any geology.

    • Also, why did everyone other than the two scientists have any idea what they were signing up for? Two years sleeping on a a far away planet that was funded with trillions of dollars and they get a sour-puss, mo-hawk, punk rocker? That is also putting on a bad ass front, he is first to want to leave the cave area because rocks aren’t scary.

  28. This movie was made much worse for me by the fact that the IMAX projector broke. So as they’re racing back to Prometheus with the storm cloud on their heels, the projector crapped out and we were sent home with free passes.

    After eight hours of flipping out over how gorgeous and thrilling and immersive Prometheus was, my girlfriend and I headed back to the theater to continue this excellent movie! But this time, we got to watch the whole thing. And we discovered that the projector broke around the point the movie stopped being good… I left that theater very angry.

  29. After walking out on the avengers movie around the point where samuel l. jackson fires a rocket launcher at a photoshop jpeg image file of a jet, I decided I’m really not down for any more of these so called “movies” any more. give me some woody allen jammers or some herzog and errol morris dock-you-men-TERRY shooters. or re-runs of the deadwood. not interested in any more cgi 3d gifs.

  30. This movie is the most compelling when you stop thinking of it as the prequel to Alien, and start thinking of it as the prequel to Metroid.

  31. Once again we see that a flawed movie can still be an entertaining movie, even a good movie though I wouldn’t call it a great movie. No one will talk about ‘Prometheus’s plot decades from now the way people talk about ‘Alien,’ though students of film are probably going to discuss its visuals and cinematic techniques to some length. PRIMORDIAL EARTH SURE IS PRETTY.

  32. Is it just me or has the recent sprawl of superhero movies dumbed us down to accepting cheap looking, toy-like costumes? I mean, look at that photo up there. Those don’t look like utilitarian, high tech space suits. They look like cheap, plastic superhero outfits, like something Action Man would wear. Like some silly, high fashion view of the future.

    I remember used to hating stuff like that, but watching the movie i thought they looked cool. I think i’ve been brainwashed.

  33. After reading through this thread, the word “xenomorph” has lost what little meaning it actually had.

  34. Also, I don’t know if anyone has asked this yet, but if not, can I just get a verdict on what the deal is with the Emergency Procedures for the Prometheus? Is it the case that there is a special life pod escape capsule that, in an emergency, automatically detaches itself whether or not you are in it, and you have to get into a rocket and shoot yourself at it and hope that you find it? Is that actually what happened there?

  35. Well….. I liked it.

  36. And why are people (Gabe) calling Charlize Theron’s character a bitch? She seemed like the most reasonable, sensible character in the film to me.

  37. My friend said it best when he said “It’s everything I loved about Alien and everything I hated about Lost”. Someone needs to sit Lindelhoff down and get him over his parental issues and end his struggle with agnosticism. These two themes are boring and it pretty much ruined the movie. At some point they need to take him off the set, give him a sedative and thank him for his ideas and then tone them down.

  38. I liked Prometheus, but it’s not my favorite ‘Alien’ pseudo-prequel #AVPR

  39. I highly recommend this recap video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-x1YuvUQFJ0

  40. Andri Iskandar  |   Posted on Jun 12th, 2012 0

    Interview with Lindelhof & Spaits AFTER the movie was released – an insight to their script

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf8FkE45gqc&feature=player_embedded (part 1)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvI_kYY2PLA&feature=player_embedded (part 2)

  41. Andri Iskandar  |   Posted on Jun 12th, 2012 0

    i dont get why people are upset that the medpod is meant for men only. It pretty obvious why in the movie.

  42. Interplanetary spaceships with stasis pods? Sure! Flying laser balls? Standard stuff! Nihilistic humanoid robots? Yep! Automatic medical pods? NUH-UH!!! VERY RARE!! VERY SPECIAL!!! BIG DEAL MR. JIM!!!

    C’mon son.

  43. I guess I’m way too late for anyone to still read this, but I really need to say one thing.

    The part of the movie that pretty much symbolizes, for me, what was wrong with it, was the moment when they were testing the alien DNA, and the machine said it was a “match.”

    WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, MACHINE? A match? Do you mean that the DNA is identical? Does it come from the exact same person? No it doesn’t, does it. You’re not a very exact machine.

    So ok, I suppose I can accept that it means that the DNA is human. Like, 100% human. Well, that’s where I lose the entire plot of the movie. Because I thought those “aliens” were our designers, that they “made” us. But if they already have the entirety of our DNA, what is even left to design? Snappy clothes? I guess by “they created us,” the movie meant “they got pregnant.” THAT’S how you create a lifeform if you already have their exact same DNA. Nothing left to design or engineer. Or am I missing something?

  44. First rule of Prometheus Science Club… is fuck protocol take off your mask and touch stuff.
    Second rule of Prometheus Science Club… underutilize Charlize Theron.
    Third rule of Prometheus Science Club… if it’s your first night here, you must science!

    - side note: i kinda liked the movie, but only because it’s the first movie in a long time to make my usually good natured boyfriend yell “are you fucking serious?” at the end of the movie. (this from a man who sat through “Immortals” and tried to make the best of it)

    - Also, when she was getting the face hugger thing pulled out of her stomach, the scene where they show the extraction claw, i leaned over and whispered to my boyfriend ” i bet you they pull out a stuffed animal.”

  45. Upvotes for EVERYONE!!!

  46. So much disappointment for one movie.

  47. I have some issues that need to be addressed too! Why does a robot need to dye his hair? Did he just discover David Lean films on the way to alien town? Does he need to shave too? Or clip his nails so his feet don’t make dog on hard wood floor noises when he walks through the spaceship in his space Birkenstocks? Lastly, if Birkenstocks survive that long into the future, there is no hope for mankind.

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